enki eisner (custom byleth) hc:

killing/feeling.

bc of the crest experimentation/influence of sothis, enki does not feel anything for all of her 19 years leading up to the start of the game. she has dreams---in which she feels the closest thing she has ever felt to feeling, when she sees a little girl she wants to hold in her arms and ask a thousand questions---but when she wakes up, those questions no longer feel so pressing, she is left again, alone, only with the absence, the stagnation, and the philosophy (but not the feeling) of self-pity that comes with it.

but there are divets, plains and valleys, that come with her lack of emotions. she does not feel---but she thinks, and often thinks too hard.

she thinks that something is wrong with her, that she must be bad, or evil---to feel nothing when she kills except adrenaline, and the soothing warmth that rubs itself against her skull&spine when the job is done, and especially when it is done particularly well.

she does not feel. but she likes. and she she likes a blade in her hand. she likes blood at its tip, she likes it lodged inside a ribcage, or cracked through a skull. she does not feel---but she thinks she is impressed with herself at such feats of strength, always aiming to strike a little harder---a little faster, a little more swift and delicate and raw on her feet.

it’s the only game she plays with her father, it’s the only lessons she’s ever taught by him, besides the books she requests he brings her (but does not read to her, does not want her head getting ‘filled with that stuff’ though he continues to bring them). he teaches her to kill and how to care for him, and killing becomes a kind of bonding, a kind of merit, something to be proud of if she could only feel proud.

there is only shame to be had in caring for her father. the embarrassed looks he gives her tells her that as he wakes up still drunk, a bucket by his side, cleaned twice by his daughter during a particularly long night. she didn’t have to do that, he says, again and again, when she is six, and seven, and eight, and nine, and ten. she’s just a child---and then with his guidance, she becomes the ashen demon, at eleven, and twelve, and thirteen, and fourteen, and fifteen, and sixteen, and seventeen, and eighteen, and nineteen, and she wonders if she was ever a child at all---and not just a monster in waiting, in a child’s body---and she does not like to look in mirrors because of it, lest her skin grow dull and grey and pale in her mind’s eye.

he never tells her how old she is. he says he does not remember.

would the girl in her dreams tell her? would the girl in her dreams give her the answers---teach her right from wrong, give her a family and a life beyond her father?

she does not feel. but she thinks. and she knows. and she wants. and she wants to be good, to care for others until she feels she is worthy of being cared for in turn. however long it takes, no matter how deep she has to bury herself in pretending to care, pretending to feel. it would be worth it to feel love.

muse to add (eventually) : custom f!byleth (enki byleth eisner)

i’ve decided i’m gonna put a f!byleth on this blog. she’s not a teacher tho---she’s a teacher’s assistant. her whole thing is BASICALLY that because of her lack of emotions and her own father’s alcoholism & the violence she always faced, she has enraptly consumed psychology and philosophy textbooks her entire life.

her thing is basically the psych student from hell. the kind of person who both thinks the human mind/trauma is fascinating (bc she doesn’t know how else to cope with all the death that she’s seen), and who Just Wants To Be A Therapist bc She Wants Therapy lol.

she’s always observing u with eyes too narrowed and a voice too hushed. she performs what is now widely regarded to as ‘emotional labor’ for others, a kind of one-on-one therapy with the rich students of Garreg Mach who are roughly her own age---bc she desperately wants someone to take care of her with the same precision and accuracy she psychoanalyzes others with. she wants someone to tell her how she feels---and if she’s okay, because she doesn’t know if she is, and she doesn’t think this is how okay feels.

u can never tell if she’s really agreeing with u or just telling u what u want to hear. she doesn’t seem to mean it, she has too much of an emotionless affect---but she’s always there for u when u need her, always helping u. it wouldn’t be right to doubt her.

her name is enki & her fc is ze/ndaya (anime fc yoruichi shihouin bleach foreeverrrrr) bc i’m basicccc lol.

her mother IS a nun but she’s a nun from duscur who immigrated to the monastery after rhea saved her life during a hurricane some 40 years ago. she swore she saw rhea as the goddess of legends in that moment, and she converted on the spot.

so her and patricia are my ‘canon’ muses that are really ocs lol

enki (pre-timeskip)

enki (post-timeskip)

@honedblade [ many muses ] :  ♡ and the word is 'dessserts!' for any one or more of your muses you like bc I only just recently followed you so i gotta know MORE

(thank you for the ask sorry its taken me so long to respond i can’t wait to interact with u more!!!!

edelgard: edelgard has the sweet tooth to end all sweet tooths. she loves sugary sweets and confections, especially if those sugary sweets and confections have a certain AESTHETIQUE to them, whether that be cutesy & pink or dramatic and gothic. (she especially likes halloween treats.) she’d like to spend all day in bed eating sweets and reading her books (historical accounts, political treatises, and philosophy, of course), but she has no time for such things.

dedue: dedue is fond of making sweets. he doesn’t have to worry about most sweets being ‘too spicy’ for his faerghus peers, so he’s free to experiment as he likes with old recipes he’s learned. he also enjoys making the more tightly rigorous desserts of the andrestian empire--he likes experimenting with different kinds of macarons especially when he feels particularly anxious. all his desserts are wonderfully tasty, but he doesn’t have much of a sweet tooth himself, prefering savory and spicy foods.

enki (f!byleth): enki has no sense of taste or smell, and cannot tell if a dessert tastes ‘good’ or ‘bad.’ because of this, she prefers foods with ‘good textures’ that suit her sensory needs. that means she prefers chunky, crunchy, soft-in-the middle cookies that are the perfect degree of warmth. she does not enjoy hard candies as they hurt her teeth---but she does like lollipops and chewy candies that she can chew and stim with.

dimitri: dimitri also! no sense of taste! but he does have a sense of smell. he loves the smell of baked goods and fruity teas mixed together especially, and he likes, for lack of a better description, food with a texture similar to melted cheese, such as taffy he can pull apart with his mouth.