never forget the shadow the hedgehog the game ending where shadow is convinced that its his fault that all those people on the ark died and hes talking about how he should have never been created and vector is like Nooooo haha dont kill yourself ... YET !

Wlrs; V

It’s a frustrating limbo being conscious of the traits you want to change in yourself but fearful enough of them to try and dodge and avoid the thoughts and actions you need to make to do so. It’s definitely started to help writing things down because you have to be real with yourself, you’re watching the words as they flow, you know if they aren’t true or if the effort behind them is hollow. I didn’t write at all for months and it showed, as soon as I did I came to new lights where I had been previously struggling against myself in darkness, a brawl of the shadowy brain Alston’s came to halt. I wouldn’t say I had a new years resolution, because I don’t agree with giving otherwise mundane and normal days value by saying it’s a special day, especially since nearly all of them are religiously based(Although I can’t lie I enjoy having excuses for parties and to get spooky in the fall, so I still kinda acknowledge them, but just to spend time with my pals). I’ve really found that any day can be those days and it means so much more to think about someone for a reason rather than that you’re supposed to. Like I brought my dad home some Jams and a fresh strawberry rhubarb pie, his favorite, from an amish market on camping trip I went on, and he was happier than he was on fathers day when I gave him a card and a hug, and now his shelf's are overflowing with preserves. When I think or dream about someone and I share that they were important enough to me to casually pass through my brain and stay their long enough for thought, it makes them feel warmth, something I feel like is harder to find when your actions don’t come from the soul.

I sidetracked, but I got a journal/planner in early January and tried making an effort to write down things I was feeling when they were overbearing me, lyrics I thought of that I constantly fucking forget, and trying to keep a schedule of my time along with not forgetting about important dates, as I often lose hold of time. Shortly after I began, I found that I was fearful of the things I was helping myself understand, because they were contrary to much I’ve been doing for myself, I’d fallen into comfort, in my job, social setting and lifestyle. I was slaving myself for a job where I was earning someone else a ridiculous ratio of money as compared to what I was making, like if I ever have big money and need people to work and hold things down for me, they will be compensated graciously. Back when I was working at Sonic, I don’t remember who said this to me, I think it was one of my fave higher ups and friends, he had asked someone to clean the bathroom I think or do some kind of outside work, and they didn’t want to and said something along the lines of “you don’t ever have to go clean the bathrooms” and obviously a manager can just do whatever they want there but instead he cleaned the bathroom, and told them “I wouldn’t make you do anything I wasn’t willing to do myself, we’re a team.” And that shit strikes through me, pisses me off when I’m serving, dudes with great hearts getting disrespected just because they are bussers, busy as fuck while a server is doing nothing. When I bring bus pans back to the dish pit or help the bussers they act like I’m water to their ten days in the dessert just for fucking respecting them. Capitalism is some shit man, makes ignorants think they tread a pedestal because they make 10k more a year than someone working at the same place they are, and if I ever find my way up I’m giving everyone who’s shown me love and respect on the way a chance to be there with me.

Back to the journal thing I sidetracked from, I’d realized how much I fell into comfort and I was like omg this is not me wtf Alston. My social life was dazed I wasn’t hanging out with anyone really, bless Nick for coming over so much but apart from him I was just selling to people and chilling smoking and gaming setting myself up to never get enough sleep. I would and still do sometimes sell to friends, people that I loved and desperately wanted to interact with, and try to be quick as possible just so I could make more sales or likely hole back up, I like when people come to me to pick up for that reason, sometimes they hang for a decent amount of time impromptu, feels nice. I started the Tuesday bowling around that time and it caught on, like 6-12 people show up every week and it’s nice, I’m getting good again too and honestly I fuck with strategy sports heavy, bowling, pool, ping pong, etc. I’d like to have a strategy sport center in my home, damn I could sidetrack so easily into a ramble about this. 

Along with my realization of over comfort, I had noticed how often I was thinking and looking back on someone that I dulled out of my life, only to realize I had only been hiding a lot of thoughts the whole time, they were still there I just wasn’t accepting them, I vetoed them from reality as they floated through. It was scary to realize this, because I know how much pain they could cause, and I was so tired of hurting people, so I hid them back away, I stopped journaling any thoughts and feelings even though they popped up everyday, and fell off the scheduling. I started to fall deeper into a hole so soon after I had become conscious of the realities behind the holes existence, why does it sometimes feel like knowing your pain makes it harder to face. I hate it when I feel miserable, I’ll do everything to not feel that way, but when I’m consciously miserable I’ll just be like eh fuck it lets just lay here nothingnessly chafeel. So I was seeing a bunch people every Tuesday which was nice, I was hanging like one other time a week with Nick or someone else, I was more hang outish when I sold, Justin and I hang every time he picks up which is nice, Isaiah as well, great conversationalist. But I was still holding a lot in, and I would bring up to friends that I needed to talk about something, but I was so afraid of causing trouble and hurt that I would dodge it off go somewhere else with what I needed to talk about or tell them it was all good or ignore it entirely sometimes. 

It went on and it felt like time was standing still, weeks past and I came back from a small trip and I finally broke and just wanted to talk to them so bad.. So I started to write, and it was so fucking freeing, and I just asked myself why I always let everything build up before I address it, it’s my worst trait, yet the one I’m most conscious of, why it be like that. I wrote and wrote, but as I did I knew it would be at someone’s expense.. It pained me, between each letter I argued with myself whether to send them, or let it pass in anguish, and continue to hide all that I had felt, but I finally broke after consoling myself in the fact that I literally was thinking about it nearly EVERY day, after 3 letters built up I asked them if I could send all the letters, and they replied blatantly, which I think was important, and I’m thankful for. They closed a door, one I couldn’t close myself.

At first I thought I would just revert back to my hole, but I didn’t, it was incredibly helpful to have that shut on me. I knew my thoughts and dreams wouldn’t seize, in fact I even thought of a line to add to one of my sad boy songs “I dream of a queen that want nothing to do with me, speaks with her heart and I know that beat fluently”,that and others, plus thinking about making music about how I was feeling, helped me come to realize that writing and exporting these feelings was helping so much, and I can still do that peacefully and respectfully from behind a door. So I continued to write in peace, knowing that I was working more and more towards processing my feelings, but, deservingly, I was asked to burn all my writings, and in turn burn how I was trying to process myself. I was asked to do so again today, but these writings are powerful to me, it doesn’t feel like burning paper, and it’s intimidating knowing that avoiding that fire will incite another fire. Smokey fuckin hates my ass right now, I hate myself right now a little bit, but I’m aware of how not to. Which is like where I started this post, I hate how aware I am of things I don’t like about myself, or how I’m feeling but I just wanna avoid it. I would be well off if I just processed rationally months ago. It got so bad for a few weeks I didn’t feel real, brains are fucking wild but I’m happy I have the one I do even if it’s a troublemaker. This was a ramblefest but it felt great.