hbd piss five you godforsaken disgrace /insert screenshot of my ps3 save files from 2017 ect ect/

A Gift For You On My 30th Birthday

IT’S MY 30TH BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

This is an accurate portrayal of how I felt this morning when I woke up! 30!!!! WOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!! I have lots of feels so I made a playlist. Naturally. So here are 30 songs (+1 for good luck) that I love and a little bit about them.

Knockin on Heaven’s Door by Bob Dylan - My mom says that this is the first song that came on the radio when we left the hospital. Imagining that it’s the first song I heard is nice.

I Love Your Smile by Shanice - When I was a baby child, this was my song! Every night when my dad got home from work and walked into our apartment in Queens I would run to him and ask him to play my song and I would sing it. HARD! Mind you I was like 2 or 3 but it didn’t matter.

Fly Like An Eagle by Seal - Can we talk about the Space Jam soundtrack!? It was vibe to my 6 or 7 year old self and it still goes! I feel like this album was the first time I really heard music. And felt it.

I Wanna Be Down by Brandy - Ok so my dad got those Columbia House cds for 1c or whatever and the first one he gave me was Brandy’s self titled album. You couldn’t tell me nothing!!! Hairbrush karaoke on a million!

Bills, Bills, Bills by Destiny’s Child - When “Writings on the Wall” came out, I really tried to convince my friends to do a backyard performance with choreography and everything. They said no but it was then at 9 that I knew I wanted to be an artist, a director specifically.

We Can’t Be Friends by Deborah Cox - Another in the Columbia House cd collection, I played this album out and knew every word. I played it last summer after not listening to it for at least 15 years and still knew every word and every riff.

My All by Mariah Carey - “I’d give my all/ To have/ Just one more night with you” I had no real context for what I was singing but I used to sing this song so hard! I miss classic Mariah.

Kick Your Game by TLC - That Crazy, Sexy, Cool album was so classic and it was hard to pick one song but this was my jam!

I’ll Be There by The Jackson 5 - Now that I am older I question if I really want someone to be there with that much fervor after a breakup but when baby MJ sings “just look over your shoulders honey, oooh!” I feel it in my soul!

Dirty Diana by Michael Jackson - This song sends me. From the very beginning, to the beat drop. And when she grabs the phone from him and tells his baby “He’s not coming back/because he’s sleeping with me!” thats a moment. No one wants to be on the receiving end of that call but Diana gets what she wants.

That’s The Way Love Goes - JANET! Queen of the Whisper Sing! Duchess of Tight Choreo! I was way too young to be singing this song but I blame my dad. It’s a sexy jam and I don’t regret it.

Are You That Somebody by Aaliyah - When I was 10, some friends and I danced to this song at our elementary school. My mom choreographed it, we got matching outfits and we performed it. Another group of girls (who were admittedly more popular) danced to “Maria, Maria” and they wore matching cowboy hats. Naturally, there was a showdown on the playground over who was better. Naturally.

Just a Friend 2002 by Mario - Westbury Middle School! It was the best of times and the worst of times. Mainly the worst of times cuz middle school is hellish and there is nothing you could do to make me want to relive those years. But one of the sweet moments was getting a mixed cd from this boy that had a crush on me and this was the first song. Swoon It worked. We dated for a while. It was cute.

My Life, My Love, My All by Kirk Franklin - This is the first song I ever choreographed and it changed my life. I was 10 years old. I showed my mother the choreo and she said teach me. It was in that moment that she validated my artistry. That’s why can’t nobody tell me nothing. I have been doing this for 20 years!

Healing by Richard Smallwood - My mother choreographed this piece for the church dance ministry, Choresis, at Memorial Presbyterian Church in Roosevelt, NY. It was one of their most popular pieces and it gave my mother the outlet she needed to dive headfirst into her artistry. I learned how to lead, facilitate and hold healing arts-centered space from my mother and the women she danced with. Their labor made me possible.

Air Force Ones by Nelly - Back to Westbury Middle School, this song is to honor the Air Force 1s wearing preteen I was. Ooh girl…

Ready For Love by India.Arie - When this song came out I thought I knew what it meant and sang it as such. Girl. Girl Girl Girl Girl Girl Girl… 15+ years later and the only thing I know is that I don’t know very much at all. Also this song is very hetero and I am indeed very queer. lol

I’ll Write A Song For You by Earth, Wind & Fire - Family road trips were not complete without this song. We still sing this song like it’s our job. I knew we were getting older when my brother Jordan couldn't hit the high notes.

As by Stevie Wonder - This song. Whew. When I was 10, my mother and I were asked to dance to this song at the funeral of a baby that died. We did and afterwards I was tore up. I kept thinking about my baby brother, Aaron, who has just been born and how I would feel if he died. I didn’t listen to this song for years. Until I really listened to the words and thought about a love that transcends space and time. This song inspired me to write a musical based on Stevie Wonder’s music. And it is my favorite song by my favorite singer.

Breathe from In The Heights Musical - Fast forward, my senior year of college my parents gave me tickets for In The Heights for Christmas. My best friend Lana and I sat in the second to last row in this Broadway house and when this song started I wept. I mean completely lost it. Because she was singing my story. I was flunking out of college my senior year and hadn’t told my parents. I had been a top student in high school and graduated #5 in my class. But I didn’t have words to name my anxiety, depression and fear that I had no idea what to do with my life after school. “And what will my parent say?/Can I go in there and say/"I know that I'm letting you down” This song still makes me cry.

I’m Here from The Color Purple Musical - I’ll let the song speak for itself. “I believe I have inside of me /Everything that I need to live a bountiful life/And all the love alive in me/I'll stand as tall as the tallest tree/And I'm thankful for every day that I'm given/Both the easy and hard ones I'm livin'/But most of all, I'm thankful for/Lovin' who I really am

Back That Azz Up - Ha! This is my favorite transition. This song is for my undergrad club days at A&T and the Blu&White fam.

Boogie Oogie Oogie by A Taste of Honey - But I don’t actually club for real because I am a grandma that missed my era. I could dance to disco all night actually.

Seasons of Love from RENT Musical - What can I say? I’m a theatre kid. This is for A&T’s theatre department that taught me so much and made me so much of who and how I am as an artist. And Rest in Peace to the mother of our theatre department, Frankie Day.

Screens by Zoocrü featuring Al Strong - In 2016, I met a woman named Margaret A. Brunson who changed my life. (She has that effect on everyone) The first time we hung out she took me to an Kickstarter kickoff party for a band named Zoocrü. I had never heard of them before but as soon as they started playing I was like Who are these boys? I offered my administrative assistance for their campaign and it turned into more than I ever imagined. That offer is what pushed me into consulting and it’s been a joy to work with artists and creatives. I am grateful that our paths crossed.

Sunday Candy by Donnie Trumpet - My grandmother, my Nanny, Evelyne Marie Laisure Marshall passed away on September 29, 2017. Her living made me possible and her passing changed my life. I talk about grandmas so much because I dont know who I would be without her love. I miss her so much but I find her everywhere; in my red fingernail polish, in my card shuffling, in my baking, in my political analysis, in my care. And yes, in the candy dish in my living room.

F.U.B.U. by Solange - Last year I created a show called “Buy My Soul And Call It Art”. I had no idea what I was doing but my Nanny had passed and my cousin Michael had passed and the Universe was telling me to “do it scared”. This song was featured in the piece because I never wanted anyone to forget who this is for, who this is centering. “All my niggas in the whole wide world…”

I Want You by Erykah Badu - The second show in the trilogy is “Buy My Body And Call It A Ticket” and that show almost killed me. I had to go somewhere deep inside myself and that place is dark and scary and I wasn’t sure that I was gonna make it out. But I did. And what brought me back was this. “I want you.” I want my body. I want my life. I want my love. I want myself.

I Need You To Survive by Hezekiah Walker - Show number 3 (which will be rebooted) is “Buy My Art And Call It Holy”. Though I don’t consider myself a Christian, I cannot separate myself from my Christian upbringing and this is one of my favorite songs. When I sing it I am singing it out to my people. I am singing to you. “I need you/ You need me/We’re all apart of one body”

Never Would Have Made It by Marvin Sapp - Yall there have been times when I wasnt sure if I was gonna make it to 30. Seriously. Depression and anxiety is real. Sometimes it zaps the desire to be right out of me. But I am here. And I am so grateful. Here’s to another day, another week, month, year, decade!

Crazy, Classic, Life by Janelle Monae - Did ya’ll think there wouldnt be some Janelle Monae on here!?! This is my theme song! Let’s ride this thing til the wheels fall off!

so I got in a screaming match with my grandma

It started with me not being interested in a video of a priest singing Hallelijah on FB considering catholicism made me suicidal, ruined my life and i’m still recovering form it. She doesn’t know this because it’d break her heart if I wasn’t catholic cause KLAUS’S ARE CATHOLIC, full stop end of sentence. Anyway i took the trash out, came bck  in and she was crying. of course when i asked her whats wrong it was nothing. i’m fine. no. nothing. everythings fine. Because Klaus’s also show no negative emotion, ever. Finally she starts sobbing how i’ve CHANGED, how she doesn’t undrstand me anymore, how she just DOESNT GET ME and i’m like thats because we aren’t allowed to talk and actually share feelings and emotions and I ask what about me she doesn’t understand. She went on to say I’m bitter and I think everyone in the family who spent my whoel life loving and supporting me, actually hates me and i’m just makeing up stories, and how aunt mary is SO HURT that I just dont TALK to her. Ok, I say. Aunt Mary looked at me, 11 years old at HER HOUSE on Christmas Eve and said, why would I buy you a christmas present, you dont belong to me makeing me the only child at christmas who didn’t get a gift (i willnote here that her HUSBAND bought me a gift the next year because he thought, you know, prepubescent kids shouldn’t be sitting alone on the floor watching all their cousins unwrap CD’s and makeup and Barbies when they got nothing.) Aunt Mary did nothing about her youngest daughter, the cousin closest to me in age, bullying me our whole childhood because SHE was blonde and wealthy and pretty and, Sorry, ‘Chelle, but you’re just really ugly, I don’t think anyones ever gonna marry you, no you can’t play with us, you’re not special, you’re not pretty, why are you trying  out for cheerleader girls liek you aren’t cheerleaders. AUnt Mary never did shit for me And the rest of the family all loves and supports me? When? Was it during Thereaseas bachelorette party when all these much older cousins had a blast talking about the movies and music of their generation amongst themselves and with their younger (younger than me) sisters, yet when I tried to join it I was smacked away and told I was too young, I woulnd’t understand, I coudln’t talk with them? Was it during all the holidays where I watched them collect eggs or film home movies or play party games or learn cooking lessons and I was told no machelle, you’re too young, you’re in their way, only to wait my turn for years only to then watch my YOUNGER cousins collect eggs and film home movies and play party games and learn cooking lessons and be told NO MACHELLE YOU’RE TOO OLD, you’re in their way. How loving and supportive was it to throw a graduation party for an older cousin on my 13th birthday and SHAME ME for haveing the BLATANT AUDACITY and SELFISHNESS to ask if i could have my name on a cake on mY BIRTHDAY at a party being held ON MY BIRTHDAY at MY HOUSE. No, no, selfish Machelle again. Where was this supportive family when I was being teased and beaten and whipped and locked in rooms at school? Oh, yes, that’s right. they went to school to raise hell...about their daughters only being in the yearbook 12 times, that’s obviously the REAL tragedy that happened the year a bunch of older girls took a fucking ROPE TO MY BACK. That’s priorities. Get over it, this supportive family told me. ZIgnore the bullies. Stop dressing weird. Be nicer, and boys 4 years older than you won’t scream at you in the hallway, steal your glasses or taunt you abotu being diseased. Clearly my fault. Yup. Also my fault that this SUPPORTIVE FAMILY yelled at a cousin 13 years younger than them for being SELFISH and SPOILED because, wait for it, my mother ABADONED ME, tried to KILL ME AT BIRTH, and now I “got” to live with grandma. Grandma shoudln’t buy me or do anythign for me that she didn’t do for them. FOr these teenage beauty queens who HAD their mothers. My fault I never TOLD HER i had problems, even though, ya know, i did. I told her i was depressed when i was 8 but that was “for attention” and only for kids with REAL problems. I told her I was cutting when I was 15 and she just said WELP i can’t help you, you’re pathetic, you’re beyond hope. go away. I told her at 16 that I felt like dad didn’t treat me right and i asked if I was really his, and she BAWLED and screamed that i was a brat and of COURSE i was his, and I just wasnted an excuse for a NEW dad. She lied to my face. I wasn’t his and he let it show. Of course she finished todays tirade with IM JUST A BAD GRANDMA I GUESS AND IM NOT WORTH ANYTHING which is always how she ends an argument, so you’ll comfort HER and console HER, like I’ve been doing since I was 5 FUCKING years old and her life started eating away at my childhood and i became her full time fuckign caretaker. Homecoming dances? prom night? going on rides with friends? ALWAYS under the tears of grandma asking how will i get by without you for a few hours? do you NEED to go to prom? are you sure? I really need you here to BRING ME AN ICE CREAM CONE, I need you here... FUCK YOU CUNT I need you out of my damnb life

1-200 :))

omg hate you ahahaha

200: My crush’s name is: a very nice name199: I was born in: 1997198: I am really: an idiot197: My cellphone company is: verizon y’all196: My eye color is: blue195: My shoe size is: 9194: My ring size is: 8? 7? idk193: My height is: 5 foot 7 inch yo192: I am allergic to: certain hand soaps191: My 1st car was: 2001 monte carlo190: My 1st job was: face painter ahaha189: Last book you read: You Deserve A Drink by Mamrie Hart188: My bed is: a giant marshmallow 187: My pet: the cutest lil rattie186: My best friend: hilariousness 185: My favorite shampoo is: whatever cleans my hair184: Xbox or ps3: I'm more of a nintendo ds gal myself183: Piggy banks are: actually kind of inefficient 182: In my pockets: you will find various items181: On my calendar: things to do 180: Marriage is: legal now179: Spongebob can: officiate my wedding178: My mom: is the best woman 177: The last three songs I bought were? oh gosh idk. Probably the 1975176: Last YouTube video watched: shane dawson singing175: How many cousins do you have? a billion174: Do you have any siblings? the best sister in the world173: Are your parents divorced? no172: Are you taller than your mom? yes171: Do you play an instrument? i play a bunch170: What did you do yesterday? bought a milkshake ;)

[ I Believe In ]169: Love at first sight: hells yeah168: Luck: eh..preparation meets opportunity 167: Fate: depends166: Yourself: most of the time165: Aliens: HELLS. YEAH164: Heaven: well I'm not sure 163: Hell: not sure but ik if i end up there at least i’ll be with my friends162: God: im not sure but if she exists i hope she’s looking out for my gay ass161: Horoscopes: they’ve been on point before160: Soul mates: maybe 159: Ghosts: yeesss158: Gay Marriage: of course157: War: why does it exist156: Orbs: never seen one but 155: Magic: ehhhh nah

[ This or That ]154: Hugs or Kisses: depends..both 153: Drunk or High: high off life man152: Phone or Online: I do both simultaniously  151: Red heads or Black haired: both are nice150: Blondes or Brunettes: both are nice149: Hot or cold: depends!!148: Summer or winter: ahhhgggg depends147: Autumn or Spring: autumn 146: Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate145: Night or Day: night144: Oranges or Apples: oranges143: Curly or Straight hair: in between142: McDonalds or Burger King: mickey d’s for sure141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: milk chocolate140: Mac or PC: mac mac mac139: Flip flops or high heals: flip floppers138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: oh god137: Coke or Pepsi: coke136: Hillary or Obama: obama135: Burried or cremated: either is fine i guess 134: Singing or Dancing: both 133: Coach or Chanel: walmart      aahahhahaha132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: kelly clarkson131: Small town or Big city: both130: Wal-Mart or Target: depends what i’m trying to buy129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: neither128: Manicure or Pedicure: manicure127: East Coast or West Coast: aw both 126: Your Birthday or Christmas: christmas125: Chocolate or Flowers: both124: Disney or Six Flags: disney123: Yankees or Red Sox: yanks

[ Here’s What I Think About ]122: War: why121: George Bush: whhhyyyyy120: Gay Marriage: can’t wait to get gay married119: The presidential election: traumatizing 118: Abortion: let the individual woman decide what’s best for her 117: MySpace: i wish i was born earlier so i could've been a part of it116: Reality TV: AMAZING115: Parents: can't live with em can't live without em amirite114: Back stabbers: why 113: Ebay: amazing112: Facebook: past its prime111: Work: find a job that doesn't suck110: My Neighbors: i don't talk to them really109: Gas Prices: skyrocketed i tell you!!108: Designer Clothes: love me some gucci107: College: i applaud people who do well at it106: Sports: sports!105: My family: love them to death104: The future: don’t even wanna think about it

[ Last time I ]103: Hugged someone: today102: Last time you ate: just now ;)101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: the other day100: Cried in front of someone: yesterday lol99: Went to a movie theater: I saw beauty and the beast 98: Took a vacation: 2 years ago i think97: Swam in a pool: IT’S BEEN TOO LONG96: Changed a diaper: i don't think i ever really have95: Got my nails done: lol94: Went to a wedding: its been years93: Broke a bone: been yeARS92: Got a peircing: YEARS!91: Broke the law: neverrrrr90: Texted: like just now all the time constantly 

[ MISC ]89: Who makes you laugh the most: every single friend, my sister, my grandma88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: craft sunday87: The last movie I saw: gosh idk86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: seeing The 1975 ;)85: The thing im not looking forward to: adulthood84: People call me: B83: The most difficult thing to do is: isn't everything difficult 82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: nope81: My zodiac sign is: libra80: The first person i talked to today was: I'm not sure79: First time you had a crush: probably the first day of my life78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: i hide things from everyone because I'm secretly a spy77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: ALL THE TIME76: Right now I am talking to: me fwends75: What are you going to do when you grow up: probably die sometime74: I have/will get a job: both73: Tomorrow: is friday72: Today: is not friday71: Next Summer: gon be lit70: Next Weekend: ton be lit 69: I have these pets: 1 rat68: The worst sound in the world: PEOPLE CHEWING 67: The person that makes me cry the most is: no one makes me cry, I'm a spy66: People that make you happy: my family and my friends 65: Last time I cried: yesterday or something idk64: My friends are: amazing 63: My computer is: the shit62: My School: what is school61: My Car: has the best snack bin60: I lose all respect for people who: don't respect others59: The movie I cried at was: like every single movie58: Your hair color is: blonde57: TV shows you watch: supergirl, wynonna earp, nerd stuff56: Favorite web site: this stupid one55: Your dream vacation: london54: The worst pain I was ever in was: when my first lil rat buddy died53: How do you like your steak cooked: i don't eat steak currently52: My room is: calming51: My favorite celebrity is: demi lovato. she has my whole heart50: Where would you like to be: california, england, or ireland49: Do you want children: someday maybe48: Ever been in love: you betcha47: Who’s your best friend: got a bunch 46: More guy friends or girl friends: girl friends45: One thing that makes you feel great is: music44: One person that you wish you could see right now: my dad43: Do you have a 5 year plan: yeah kind of42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: kind of41: Have you pre-named your children: not really but there are some names i like40: Last person I got mad at: i don't really get mad a lot 39: I would like to move to: socal, nyc, and london38: I wish I was a professional: writer

[ My Favorites ]37: Candy: twix36: Vehicle: 1984 jeep grand wagoneer35: President: obameerrr34: State visited: california33: Cellphone provider: verizon i guess..why is this a question32: Athlete: the fab five 31: Actor: fred armisen30: Actress: currently katie mcgrath 29: Singer: demi lovato 28: Band: the 197527: Clothing store: love me a good thrift shop26: Grocery store: weis i guess25: TV show: the office 24: Movie: labyrinth23: Website: this one22: Animal: rat i guess21: Theme park: disney world20: Holiday: halloween19: Sport to watch: water polo18: Sport to play: softball17: Magazine: british vogue 16: Book: the curious incident of the dog in the night-time15: Day of the week: friday or saturday14: Beach: cape may13: Concert attended: the 1975 and demi12: Thing to cook: cereal because its quick af11: Food: do cheetos count?10: Restaurant: moe’s, cyber cafe, red robin9: Radio station: the indie/alt station8: Yankee candle scent: probably a nice autumn scent or a nice mahogany 7: Perfume: ck2 or lacoste 6: Flower: rose and peony 5: Color: black, white, light pink, lavender 4: Talk show host: ellen, j fallon, james corden3: Comedian: tina fey2: Dog breed: whippet1: Did you answer all these truthfully? best i could