Saturday December 4 - End-of-Semester Performance Reflection

That's me (and all of us). On stage. Woahh...... (you can listen here)

So ummmm..... It was fine.... I can really only speak for myself and my own impressions of myself (which seems obvious, but I tried really really hard to get other people's opinions and they wouldn't tell me in a way that felt truthful, so I got nowhere and now it's just me). I don't feel compelled to make any assessments of the group as a whole, like who cares really--and that never really felt like a point of any of this anyway. (I think we did well)

With that being said, I actually lied, and I think it went very well. My own performance fell within the bounds of an acceptable degree of mistakes I randomly made up retroactively for myself just now. All in all, I think I had like one mistake I think! Of the whole thing! Which I was able to recover from without it being anything too serious! Basically, I forgot where I was in the piece for a moment (like I said I would, Lol) but I regained my composure and rejoined very quickly. Other than that, I think I performed very well (given the circumstances) and I'm very pleased with the overall result.

In terms of personal impressions regarding live performance--it is NOT fun. I was trembling literally the entire time I was on stage and, if you watch the recording, I literally don't look at the audience once. Like truly I cannot get over how harrowing it all felt, like really threatening--like how I imagine it feels being prosecuted for something really serious. I assume live performance gets more enjoyable when you're more familiar with your instrument, but obviously that doesn't pertain to me..... I will say though, when it came down to needing to perform when the time came, my brain did switch into this insane single-minded mode of fake-confidence that made being nervous not really a factor anymore--which was very crazy to experience. Being a performing musician on stage really is a unique kind of conflict.

And now I'll make some notes on learning sitar as a whole. I found the entire experience very enriching! I think in all possible realms (in regards to both doing it as part of a whole, and as a personal practice) I enjoyed myself and found a lot of value. I won't say much about how it felt to be a part of the ensemble (because maybe it'd be a bit too sentimental for our purposes...), but in terms of an experience of prolonged practice in training an instrument.. God it owned so bad. Like so so so bad. Like maybe one of the better experiences I've had in my life... It felt nice to have a prolonged relationship with something.... And to feel a tangible sense of improvement. I think I made fun progress and it'd be nice to continue towards something that feels more comprehensive/internalized. anyways that's everything Lol

[some of] Us.

December 4th 2023 was the ensemble's concert, the culminating point of this journal's entries. The intention was to have a record of preparation for this moment rooted in the candor of unfolding moments in time. By necessity, the full relevance of each entry, and indeed the project as a whole, has only come to be revealed insofar as time has allowed, the most momentous incident towards this end being the performance pictured in posts below. This incident was so momentous, in fact, that by consequence of its occurring this project was simultaneously granted all of its significance, yet robbed totally of the motive force of its active life. And, like all living things deprived a motivating force for life, it now lays dormant.

Below you will find this process documented, with its culmination made quite clear at the very top. Please feel free to make your way through at your own leisure--however, as a plea of courtesy, do keep in mind that you enjoy the gift of knowing the result in the course of its recorded process. This is a pleasure I did not enjoy, despite it having served me more than it does you (annoyed). Show a bit of grace, and humor the me you see in each entry! Pretend you don't know! And maybe then you might also know what it was really like to have been me instead of just reading about it..

Wednesday November 15

This is the second to last practice session (hopefully) and I think it shows some promise! This entry includes the call and response, scale, and bandish portions of the performance--the whole of what were actually going to be playing basically. I messed up a bit obviously... wrong notes, misplayed notes, I think I also skipped an entire section Lol, but these are mostly a case of accidents or incidental lapses in presence (accidentally forgetting where I am...) as opposed to not completely learning the pieces--which I have learned! These are really my biggest fears going into the actual performance because its not something that necessarily can be helped! I can spend more time drilling the pieces and improving familiarity, coordination, muscle memory--but accidents are accidents, and the only thing I can really do is reduce risk. In this respect though, I think that maybe my newness to the instrument makes the likeliness of no accidents very low.. (not being fatalist, just real...). Even thinking so, I do feel very confident at this point in time. I don't feel as though I've slacked in my obligation to learning the piece, and I even still have 2 weeks to keep practicing. It's looking okay, to me.

I'm still dealing with the tension in my right shoulder/arm which makes playing a bit uncomfortable though. As it's been an ongoing issue I'm aware of but can't seem to relieve I'm sort of confused on how not to have this pressure.? Like, enough to hold it in place but not enough to cause strain..? I'm just weak maybe.

I plan to have one more practice session before the concert, but well see what happens given its Thanksgiving break and then last week of classes, and things like that.

Friday November 3rd

This is another run through of the performance piece trying to loosen myself and make it come more naturally... I spent the majority of the practice committing it more-so to muscle memory and I’m pleased by the result (as much as I can be at this point). Obviously it’s still very rough and you can tell i have a lot of tension (like last week), but it’s a notable improvement that makes me confident for the concert. I’m very glad I spent the time to learn the piece on the timeline I did (documented here) because scrambling to learn this along with everything else I’m scrambling to complete would be a nightmare...

Most notably, I still get a lot of tension in my right shoulder/arm when I play which makes the playback a little uncomfortable... I think it may have gotten a little better (?) but it remains to be seen and is something to be mindful to work on in the coming weeks.

Everything is going very well in this respect and the concert is in 3 weeks! Spooky..

Friday October 27

First official run through of the concert piece, it’s very rough! But I’ve learned it and I have a foundation to improve on! I’m experiencing most difficulty with an insane amount of tension in my right shoulder/arm which it makes uncomfortable/a little unbearable to play for any extended period of time (like 5 minutes for the piece). Obviously the playback itself is very choppy and I had mistakes but they are fixable in the coming weeks and I am confident it won’t be a major issue by the concert itself. The concert is about a month away and having made it to this stage is very relieving..... It will be okay.... (affirmation)

Friday October 20

I can actually see the progress now—which is very exciting! The note transitions are still extremely rough and i have an extremely bad habit of leaning on my support arm as i play, but in general I’m a lot better than i was! This is the first section of the piece for the performance and I spent this practice commuting it to muscle memory. I can get through it fairly consistently now.

I’m noticing that I’m extremely tense when zi play, though. And it makes playing uncomfortable to the point that I can’t play for more than a little bit without getting a little exhausted. I think for next practice I should try to focus on playing more loosely, more relaxed, nonchalant, etc.

My dexterity has gotten better as well, but the speed at which I can play things is hardly impressive at all. I wonder how long it takes to actually get notable quick when playing. And also I’m wondering how slides and bends are performed. I’d also like to learn how to improvise.... I tried but it was a little embarrassing.

I’m very enthusiastic for the future!

Friday October 13

Friday September 22 Today I think was very good! In our ensemble meeting I was struggling with the coordination of strumming the Chikari, especially when playing the more complex exercises (and was very frustrated) so I came to this practice session with the intention of focusing on improving this coordination. I think I made satisfying progress! As you can see from the video I was able to strum the chikari with relative reliability, though I still clumsily accidentally hit the lower strings by accident. I also notice my form is slightly better in regards to the two areas I mentioned last post—the closeness of the fingers on my strumming hand and looking over the neck at the frets—both are noticeably better, I think.

Moreover, I was also able to improve the 2 step exercise you see in the video, and my muscle memory is improving in general. I was able to retain the muscle memory for Yaman and the normal scale from last week—this is very gratifying! I’m enjoying drilling fundamentals and could maybe do it forever, but a little daunted by starting to learn the piece (which I’ll start trying to learn next week? If I feel time and my form allows it? We will see.) I’m anxious of being someone representing it, and would like not to mutilate it.

Things I still need to spend time improving are my form (forever, probably), my coordination—which i think will improve over time naturally, and also my timing when both playing and releasing strings. I think starting to play with a with a metronome or tabla drum machine (preferred I assume) would help with this and I’m making a note to download it for next week.

I like to ask Dr. Kharod for criticism of my form/playing at some point, because I don’t feel like I’m able to judge those things myself. I think it’s very important that I try as hard as possible to be as good as possible, solely just to represent the instruments and piece well.

Friday September 15th This is my journal entry #1 basically it’s my 3rd week learning to play the sitar and today after class I took it upon myself to come to the practice room and commit to muscle memory both the normal scale (SRGMPDNS) and Raag Yaman (I'm not sure of the scale notation of this because I’m not ear trained literally at all... Future note to learn how to notate Raag Yaman..) as you can see it’s been okay! I’m slightly affirmed on my ability to commit to memory the raag as I had trouble grasping how it’s played on the sitar at first... it’s minor notes are always surprising when i hear them, and i couldn’t seem to remember where in the scale they’re placed and which frets correspond to those notes but i have it now i think. A critique i have of myself though both in terms of playing and form (watching this back i realized how awful the form is Lol...) is to figure out how to let notes ring..? when i hear my professor play the notes draw out without a silence inbetween.... How Do you Do That. I'm making a note to ask. Also i need to keep my fingers more together on my playing hand. I also need to keep in mind not looking over the neck at the frets and strings, It’s getting better but i still notice myself doing it.

A hope i have for the near future is to improve the smoothness of the scales, and also increase my understanding by any amount of how sitar composition works (how other strings are incorporated, timings conventions, etc. etc.). and also to understand what to expect of myself by the time of the performance.

My finger hurts too much to practice anymore, so I’m ending the practice session after ~1 hr... which is neat amount of time according to Me.