05/31/2024

How I wish my phone conversation went with my dad.

“Hello”

“Hey Pa, how are you?”

“Hey babygirl, Im hanging in there how are you doing?”

“ Doing good! Sorry I couldn’t pick up the phone yesterday, I was working at the grocery store.”

“It’s ok, I know you were probably busy.  I was calling to see if you wanted to come down today for Memorial Day, you and Mason.  Your sister and her family will be coming over for some burgers and it would be nice to have you guys there too.

“That sounds nice, Mason is with mom because I needed someone to watch Mason yesterday.  I am going to pick him up and I need to figure out dinner for the week.”

“Stop by for some lunch at least?  We will have burgers.”

“ I’ll see pa, I cant make any promises.”

“Ok, I understand. How is the jobs going?”

“Grocery job is ok and Drexel job is fine too.  I cant complain.  How is work going for you?”

“A job is a job.  I requested them to give me three days a week but for some reason they are giving me 4.  But it will be nice to get the extra money so I am not complaining. How is Mason this week?

“Mason is fine, but we did lose a rabbit this week.  I have been ore sad then Mason but he is sad as well. “

“ I’m so sorry to hear that.  It is very hard losing a pet. I remember when Mona died.  I didn’t know what to do with the emotions I was feeling.  Are you ok?”

“ I’m ok now, I felt very sad the last few days.  The rabbit died on Thursday.”

“ I’m so sorry.  More reason for you to come over today to be with your family so we can hug you and show you love. I know you like pinkie, I'll buy a big jug just for you.”

“Thanks Pa. But I don't know if I can today.”

“What happened, are you ok to talk about it?”

Alla explains what happened.

“Wow, rabbits are very sensitive.  Im so sorry babygirl. If you need anything let me know.”

“ Thank you pa, I am ok.  Today I have a few things to do so Ill be keeping busy.”

“Alright love.  I will call sometime this week to check in with you.  Maybe we can plan to have a dinner or lunch together soon. Call me if you need anything this week.”

“Sounds good, pa.”

“Love ya”

“Love ya”

Bye.

Writing this fantasy conversation made me realize I want my dad to show me love. Nicknames like babygirl, love ya.  Anything in the conversation to make me feel like I am talking to my father and not some old stranger.  It also relieved me to hear fantasy updates on Ellen.  She has a family.  They are going to do something together on a holiday.  My dad can cook burgers. My dad is sending me his condolences in a way that makes me feel warm inside.  Not joking about how now I can make soup with my rabbit’s dead body or reminding me in detail what happened with Mona and how he didn’t do anything to help us bring the cat to the vet.  It reminded me how I paid for the cremation for Ellen and she never even said thank you. Memories of how stupid the family is. 

02/06/2024

I don’t know where to start. Today was an overall fine day. Mason and I had a normal morning. I took him to school, caught my train, listened to a podcast on the ride, rode the trolley, and sat at work. Everything was fine, and I even liked my outfit... kind of. I think a man was trying to talk to me on the trolley subway today. He was cute - good height, had work clothes on, and I stood next to him. I felt he liked me. It's crazy how energy works that way. But he started complaining about waiting for 15 minutes for his trolley, and that turned me off. My mind is already tormented with negative energy, and then I have to listen to him complain about the trolley? I suggested he walk to where he needs to go if he can't wait longer, and he said he can't walk there. So I'm like, what is the point of complaining then? I really don’t want my man complaining all the time, especially about things that just don’t matter and are seriously a waste of breath to complain about because there is nothing to be done about it, so why complain and waste your energy? I would like my man to be positive. I wish I could learn from someone. I haven’t learned something from someone ever. I wish I had a person in my life where I can just be around them and learn something just by being around them and seeing how they act. Lord, I had a blessed, peaceful day, but I feel sad, and Mason annoyed the crap out of me today because of his ADHD. I even said he was acting inconsiderate. I couldn’t contain myself. I’ve been telling him all night to stop moving so much, but every second he is jumping or moving. I was patient, even though every movement annoyed me. Even though I had my patience, I was warning him. “I can feel it in my bones that if you continue to move, I might explode.” I knew I would, I just didn’t know when. He tried not moving at one point and laid down on the other side of my couch, which I appreciated, but then he got up. It was fine; I felt like I could contain myself, so it was easy to be patient. Then I decided to make us cocoa. I went into the kitchen and made cocoa. I brought the cocoa out onto the couch. The way Mason was moving while holding the cup was getting me annoyed. I could see the cocoa spilling, and I told him, “Watch the cocoa, I can see it about to spill.” Anyway, my warnings were a waste of breath because he ended up spilling a whole bunch of cocoa on his blanket, and like I promised, I exploded. Once I exploded, I couldn’t stop being mean. I started having word diarrhea, and I said he was acting inconsiderate by how much he needs to move. I told him I gave him a fair shot because I warned him about how annoyed I was, and he should have taken the hint to do something to make sure he doesn’t annoy me. But he failed, and only after I exploded does he get upset and start saying I hate you. It's like I’ve been patient for an hour with you, explaining to you I am getting annoyed, I feel like I will explode if you keep doing this, and he is in la-la land. Then when I do what I said I would do, he is surprised and acts like I am being belligerent when I was telling him this would be the outcome unless something changes. I didn’t want to talk to him for the remainder of the night. I was so angry. But I am grateful for my baby, and I feel terrible for how my emotions made me feel.

I was feeling sad the last few days because I was excited about this one guy who seemed like he liked me. It's so rare for a man to show a good level of interest, even by text/phone, and when I experience it, as I should, I get excited. I start thinking about sharing a life with someone. What it would feel like to have a man with this person. His voice was nice, he was decent looking, he seemed like he had a nice family, his ex didn’t seem like a threat. He was perfect. But he started showing signs of being a loser. He lives in an apartment above his parents. He says it’s a townhouse. He got the apartment upstairs, and the parents have it downstairs, so that tells me he is technically still living with his parents. But that wasn’t the main sauce of my decision. Then he tells me his job. He doesn’t really work... he helps his mom with the online store she has… which is fine if it was a second job, but to count it as your primary job tells me he really has no ambition. He lives in the same building as his mom, he works in his mom's online store… like, fly the coop already. It's flexible hours; he could easily work a full-time job during the day and work this other job at night. But he is content with handling online orders as a full-time job. I can't imagine the little he gets from that. He says he can pay his bills with that… This confirms he is not paying rent. I am judging this. It's awesome he is helping his mom with it, but he shouldn’t be looking at it as a primary source of income. Sales depend on how they market the shop. Their marketing is so bogus; it doesn’t make sense how he can live off of the amount he gets from the online shop. Yesterday, I asked him how work was and if he was working on anything. He said he was tagging people on a new product… I knew since yesterday if he is content with this as his adult job, there is no way it's what I am looking for. I want a man who has a profession at this age. I feel like I deserve that given I have a profession. Can you imagine me settling with a man who doesn’t have a real job, and I am maintaining a profession… the imbalance of that is cringeworthy. He said he was working this job as a primary source of income for three years, talking about “This is my income for now”. This is your income for life... what do you mean 'for now'? If it was temporary, you would have found something else already. He said he has an orientation for NJIT on the 18th. That is a sign he does have goals… it's crazy how either stupid he is or how used to women he thinks are. You are 32 years old; shouldn’t you have already graduated from NJIT, but you are not even enrolled; you are visiting the school on the 18th. I was upset yesterday and today, and I made the decision to cut it off with him today. He texted me how my day was going, and I answered with some depth. I asked what he is up to at 1 PM. He told me he is hanging out with his cousin for the day. It was over for me at that very moment. Me working and he is hanging out… not working. I can just imagine the next few months with him. He has a day off here, gets fired or quits the job, something doesn’t work out with NJIT because he paid to get enrolled and they took his money and ended up giving the slot to another person but took his money anyway, looking for a job, and I am supposed to be dating him. He is supposed to be dateable. I couldn’t breathe, and I left it. Didn’t say anything bad. I was feeling my feels and really thinking about what to do on my way home. I was supposed to FaceTime him today, and I was definitely not trying to waste my time FaceTime him. I decided I am desperate but not that desperate, and I am content with being single instead of pursuing this. I told him I was concerned he was hanging out and not working. I already told him my experiences with loser men, so he understands I am triggered by lazy people. He was talking about how he is doing the best for him and his daughter and sorry it was not enough for me.

Anyway, I felt relief, and I still do, that I stood by my standard, but I also feel lonely again since I am not talking to anyone again. I feel hopeless I will get excited by another loser, or I won't get excited about someone for another 10 years. I feel hopeless in this, and I don’t think I will find a man who has a decent job, who is kind-hearted, and is interested in me. Which really isn’t a lot to ask for, but I don’t get these men interested in me. The men with the decent profession are looking for a particular woman, and I don’t fit that mold.

Anyway, so as I was sad about this, Mason is over here making me repeat myself, making a mess doing exactly what I’ve been repeating not to do. I also have been on a hunt to find something nice to wear for my birthday dinner with my mom, and I can't find anything. But as I was thinking about it last night after getting mad at Mason, I was thinking why am I even trying to find something to wear; my mom might cancel on me anyway. She hasn’t canceled on my birthday yet, but I am still pretty traumatized with what happened on Thanksgiving. I can imagine my mom not looking forward to going out for my birthday, and leading up to the event, she will be completely over it. In my new life, I don’t want to waste my time with people that don’t look forward to seeing me or spending time with me. I want to be around people who are excited to see me. But that is subjective because my internal battles won’t allow me to see people’s excitement; I will always think they are just being nice and don’t really want to go out with me even if in reality they are excited. I'll keep looking, but if I don’t find anything, I will cancel my dinner with mom. For my birthday, I want to act like a rich bitch. I want to wear a really nice outfit, feel like a million dollars, and buy whatever I want from the restaurant. I can't do that with my mom there judging me for being fancy. I could see it now. I find a beautiful outfit that makes me feel good inside and rich. With that feeling, I will feel confident and be that personality that most people want to punch because I act like my shit doesn’t stink when I have this personality. I hate that personality, but I deserve to be happy, and unfortunately, I am truly happy when I feel like acting like that. My mom will drive over with her black leggings and drapey cardigan thing with her black eyeliner and bald-headed ponytail. She will look at me and judge me for looking fancy. When she comes over, she will probably be judgmental and irritated because A) she really doesn’t want to go to dinner or B) she will know I spend $100 on my outfit, and she feels some type of way when she knows I spend money because I owe her for the car she bought me. She told me herself, she feels annoyed and disrespected when she sees me spending money because that money should be going to her for buying me the car. So she would like me to be broke until she dies or pay her back… I don’t want to pay her back, and I don’t want to feel like I'm being judged for trying to look like a rich bitch.

Anyway, we will go to the restaurant, and I will feel fancy and buy whatever Mason and I want. My mom will be judging like nobody's business. She will also feel like she needs to pay for dinner. Since I know this, I will need to hold back my desire to buy whatever I want. I don’t want to hold back on my birthday. I want to get whatever I want. I wish I met someone who shared my interest in trying to be rich and spoiling myself. Anisha used to be that person, but then she had to go and get married to a fucker who took her to the other side of the country. She is also dependent on him and can't even get fillers because he won't approve. Who is she?! Where is my independent bitch that will get fillers no matter who says what. How I want my birthday to be. I wish I had friends. I want me five medium-looking women who are my friends to dress up like the women on Sex and the City and go out for the night. As much as I love Mason, I would like to go out with him. We would all dress up, dresses, makeup, and look the best we can because we are celebrating me, and they love me to pieces! We hype each other up and are all excited to be going out. We go to the Riverhouse restaurant and enjoy dinner. I don’t need them buying me dinner, but we would all just order whatever the fuck we want and get drunk. After dinner, one of my friends knows exactly which club to take me to, and we take an Uber there. We dance, and at the club, they buy me drinks because they love me. That’s how I want to spend my birthday. Being loved on with drinks, dancing, eating rich bitch food, and feeling myself without feeling like I am being judged as annoying or trying too hard. It's been my goal to meet people, but I can't seem to do it. To meet people, I would need to get into hobbies, go to groups, social gatherings. I don’t have money for that because for social gatherings, I would like to buy a new outfit for myself to feel good. That takes money, and then looking for an outfit is hard because I have to be mindful of my stomach, what my Spanx will look like in that, skin-tight pants. I hate skin-tight pants. My perfect outfit is a mini-dress where I don’t feel constrained with tightness. But a mini-skirt on me would make me look like a target or a prostitute. Now I am considering cosmetic surgery, but I don’t have the energy to think of how much debt I'd be in and anxious. That feeling alone makes me not consider cosmetic surgery. Anyway, thinking about what I want my birthday to look like reminds me of Janeth and how much she judged me for wanting to be loose on my birthday. Ugh. I'm so happy I stopped talking to her. I can imagine spending my birthday with her, and it would be boring as hell because it's just the two of us since I have no other friends, and I will want to drink. Then when I drink and start feeling myself, she will be telling me I drink too much. Fuck off. Nothing is worse than being with someone who will kill the mood for you in an instant. I'm not saying I am an embarrassing drunk, but it's my birthday. Let me live my life without you judging me. This reminds me of how embarrassing I was on Halloween for the druggie bitch. She doped me up and then thought I was embarrassingly high. Which I was, and I understand, but you drugged me up; what the fuck do you expect? I am so grateful it was still a safe night, and she didn’t ditch me or hurt me while high and leave me in an alley in Kensington or something. I feel like if she could, she would. I was completely not safe with her being high. But I am glad I was protected that night because who knows what could have happened.

I have to be out of bed in 30 minutes. I don’t want to work out. I don’t want to be in my feelings either. I want to plan for the future, but I have no vision. The vision I do have costs money and no time with Mason. Mason deserves my time at this age. I need to focus on my baby. I want to find the puzzle I belong to like in Oliver's book. Where I fit in, and people just get me. People want me around, and I want to be around them. I want to meet people I want to be around. When I am around people I want to be around, doors open for me, and I have more of a chance of finding a man good for me. I know in my soul I will never find a man on a dating website. I wish I wasn’t responsible so I can move Mason and me around to the location where I feel more like what I want to feel. But that requires a new job, security with family around, and I won’t have that because my mom will be far.

I was thinking about all the people I let go in my life. I am still happy I let them go. It's just I am losing my skin faster than growing it. In a normal life, people lose people from their lives while meeting new people. People outgrow one another. I am outgrowing people faster than meeting people, so now I am lonely, but I would much rather be lonely than be close with Janeth, Haydee, Brittany, Damilola (negligent friend completely), Krystin, Eman (ugh), and whoever else I decided I don’t want to be around. I would rather be lonely, and I would leave them all again if I had the chance to do it again.

01/29/2024

Today was challenging for me. It's becoming increasingly evident that I need therapy, yet I haven't taken the necessary steps to find a therapist. The process feels daunting, involving numerous calls and voicemails with little response. Despite making dozens of calls, I've only received one or two callbacks, and the available appointments are either not suitable or are weeks away.

Today was also the day we were scheduled to meet with the guardianship attorney. Unfortunately, her insights mirrored what my dad has been saying - nothing can be done unless my sister poses a threat to herself or others. Despite her understanding, I found myself becoming increasingly upset, especially with my dad's dismissive attitude. Our conversation started with discussing the next steps, but his reluctance to take action infuriated me further. I suggested that he move out and allow my sister to fend for herself for a few months to awaken her sense of responsibility. However, he insisted that she's not a burden and expressed his willingness to spend the rest of his life caring for her. This only fueled my frustration, as I couldn't comprehend his lack of foresight regarding the future.

I expressed to him the harm he's causing by not preparing her for independence, emphasizing that she needs the chance to thrive when he's no longer around. Despite her verbal abuse towards him, he insists on remaining by her side, citing her illness as justification. This cycle of enabling infuriates me, as I fear it will only worsen our situation.

During our conversation, he attempted to guilt-trip me, comparing me to my mother and questioning my anger towards him. I stood firm in my decision to distance myself from my sister, declaring that she's dead to me. His response was filled with threats and manipulation, further solidifying my resolve.

Reflecting on the day, I've realized several reasons behind my frustrations with my father:

Negative Nancy: His constant negativity, particularly regarding politics and America, irritates me. It's infuriating to hear him criticize the country he brought us to, especially considering the sacrifices we made to leave our homeland.

Repeating Everything: His refusal to address his hearing problem by getting hearing aids aggravates me. It's exasperating to have to repeat myself constantly, especially when he knows it's an issue.

Inappropriate Remarks: His lack of protection and inappropriate comments, such as suggesting I date women, have led to a breakdown in our relationship.

Insensitive Jokes: His dark sense of humor, especially regarding serious matters like my sister's behavior, is intolerable. His casual attitude towards her actions only exacerbates the situation.

Unfortunately, it seems my sister's behavior won't change until something drastic happens. I fear my father's unwillingness to take action will only lead to further stress and potentially harm. Despite my efforts to intervene, he remains adamant in his decision to stay by her side.

Feeling hopeless, I've considered reaching out to local social services or adult protective services for assistance. Additionally, I plan to involve law enforcement if necessary to ensure my father's safety. However, his refusal to cooperate leaves me feeling frustrated and helpless.

As I contemplate the events of today, I realize the need to prioritize my own well-being and establish boundaries with my family. While I remain open to maintaining a relationship with my father, I refuse to tolerate his enabling behavior any longer.

01/10/2024

It's the next day, and I find myself with a clear mind. I'm feeling remorseful for the things I've said, but I realize that inserting a 'but' in this context doesn't reflect well on me as a person. I shouldn't be expressing such sentiments. Ellen is going through a difficult time with her depression. While she's still with us, the thought of her passing fills me with sadness. I might not shed many tears initially, but I'm certain that in a few years, I'll mourn deeply for her. My wish isn't for her to perish; rather, I long for her recovery. I want her to progress, to take small steps towards healing. However, I'm frustrated by her apparent lack of effort in doing so. Yesterday, I found myself consumed by hatred towards her. As I dropped Mason off, I couldn't contain my emotions, resulting in a loud, ugly cry born from the overwhelming hatred festering in my heart. I felt embarrassed by my feelings towards Ellen, my family, and even harbored a fleeting resentment towards God. As a consequence, I feel distanced from spirituality. Mason is older now and capable of looking after himself. This morning, I reached out to Ellen, expressing my concern about her recent behavior. I urged her to seek professional help for her depression and incessant crying. I refrained from confronting her earlier, knowing she'd likely become defensive and push me away. Despite wearing earplugs, her cries still reached me as she sobbed for hours into the early morning. She slept throughout Monday and remained awake all night, caught in a cycle of despair. I implored her to seek help, emphasizing that life holds more than this perpetual cycle of sorrow. Do we want to spend the next forty years merely existing, trapped in a cycle of tears and solitude? I anticipate her response will be dismissive or defensive, but regardless, I've resolved to distance myself from her struggles. I no longer require her assistance, and I'll refrain from entrusting her with Mason's care. Instead, I'll arrange for him to stay with Erika when necessary, compensating her accordingly. I've realized that I become a hateful, bitter person in Ellen's presence. She disturbs my peace of mind. To ensure Mason's safety and privacy, I've installed curtains on the balcony windows. According to my research, children are typically deemed old enough to be left alone between the ages of ten and twelve, and Mason falls within this range. Despite my financial concerns, I hope to assist Ellen in finding her own apartment, though living together is out of the question, as I've previously explained. I detest the person I become when faced with her challenges. I'll still provide my father with any necessary information, but I've resolved to avoid Ellen unless she shows signs of improvement. I'm curious about what a brighter future might entail for her. I've considered using AI imaging apps to visualize her transformation into a happier version of herself, though I lack sufficient photos for this endeavor. Recently, I stumbled upon some of her old pictures on Facebook, reminiscing about our younger days together.

01/06/2024

I woke up at 2 AM today and I hear my sister sobbing in the living room.  I could tell she was trying to keep it down.  It could be worse; she could have been hollering murder. I have so much hate for her right now.  It would be different if she was open to getting help but she gets too defensive when you bring up going to the doctor/seeing a therapist/working towards not crying all night and sleeping all day. Basically, we must just deal with her crying and sleeping all day, doing nothing with her life and being depressed. I don’t understand how she is OK living this way- never worked, no hope for any future with any anything/anyone, dying alone.  How can she not naturally try to work on herself.  This is what angers me.   Hearing her cry will forever haunt me.  It’s the most annoying ass cry I will ever hear.  She cried for over two hours last night.  Even with the earplugs on, I still hear her stupid cry.  I suppose you get used to it after a while, but I don’t want to get used to it.  I want her out of my life.  I want this whole family out of my life.  I don’t want to be a part of them.  I want to rip my genetics out and throw them into the wolves.  I get angry at GOD too.  I feel like if I don’t help my sister not be homeless once my dad dies, I will go to hell.  I feel like a monster for hating her cry and not being compassionate.  But to be fair, I was compassionate when I first heard her stupid cry.  I ran to help her.  My heart wanted to comfort her and be there for her but her response to my compassion made me want to throw something at her face so she can be unconscious and shut up! For the last two hours I’ve been researching the cause of crying for hours, how to find compassion for someone who annoys you but is hurting, how to get someone help if they don’t accept it.  I tried resting and then 20 minutes after she stopped crying, she’s back at it again. 

She slept all day yesterday.  She drank the night before, cried for 3 hours in the early morning and then slept from 5am to 10pm. I can’t deal with this now and I can’t deal with this when my dad dies and I am left with making a decision to support her or not. I am making this about me, I understand, and I feel like a monster, I do.  But I am angry.  I am angry at how depressed she is and how there has been no progress or regress in the last 20 years. I can’t find sympathy for her in my heart.  She is choosing to be like this.  This is a choice for her.  She doesn’t care how much it hurts my dad when she’s cursing at him or how much pain she brings to people with her defensiveness when are trying to help her. I believe she is content with her life and she does just enough to make it seem like she is too crazy to work but not crazy enough to cause an episode that will get her evaluated. I’ve offered help for her.  I ‘ve offered to go with her to a disability organization that helps people find jobs, I bring up going to the doctor, I’ve talked to her about her future and it led to some stupid fights that made my heart harden for her entirely.  She deserves someone to come to the house and force her into the car to get help since she spent 37 years not doing anything at all.  Not helping anyone and just rotting in her room.  

I’m listening to her cry. Cant you cry like a normal person?  No because you are not anormal person. I don’t know what to do with this person in my life who will be in my life forever.  Who will probably outlive me because she doesn’t do anything with her life. IBut I will feel terrible for the things I’ve thought about so I need to pretend like I know Ellen will die soon.  Will this make my compassion appear?  Will my heart soften for her knowing she will be dead in 5 years?  I wish something would just happen to her.  Her getting sick? Or her getting high?  Just something to make her brain busy. She literally has NOTHING TO CRY ABOUT.  She has everything given to her.  She gets to scream and shout, sleep, and sob all she wants and no one will stop her. Her brain is so deterioted, I remember a dream I had of her as a pre-teen. I know that was a dream of Ellen’s soul, her real soul leaving my life.  I don’t know wtf is in her now but she used to have a personality. She used to have a future.  She used to be a person to me. Now she is just a shell with some alien in it. The dream was the sister that had hope she started getting skinnier and skinnier right before my eyes.  She was deteriating right before my eyes.  I cried so much in that dream.  I woke up crying.  Then my brain made me dream another dream saying this was just a dream, don’t cry. Everything is ok.  But it wasn’t ok, Ellen was gone after that.  She got worse and worse and now this is all of our life. Ellen used to be smart.  She used to edit my papers for me, I remember.  I used to trust her grammar and I would be so thankful she was there to edit my papers. We used to laugh together.  This is of course when she was an older teen, and I was a pre-teen. After Ellen was like 18, she was gone. I hate this Ellen so much.  You know what would kill me.  If I was given the chance to speak to the old Ellen and really see the difference of what we have now.  That would be the most beautiful thing and saddest at the same time to see what she was and maybe have an image of what she could have been? Talking to GOD feels like I am not heard.  It literally just feels like I am talking to myself, and the words are going into thin air and thats it.  Its 6am and I must start my day. Why was I born into this family? This family impacts my whole being.  I feel less value because of the family I am from. I know I don’t need to give my family this much power but for every failure I feel or rejection, I can’t help but get the confirmation I feel from the devalue I feel of being part of my family.  Every failure and rejection reminds me of where I came from.  I came from nowhere; I came from a retard father and mother that have no meaning in their lives.  The fact that I am single confirms it all.  I am just as loser as these stupid people that I was given as a family. I wanted to take matters into my own hands. I had dreams as a young girl that I will make my own family and I won’t ever need to look back at my train wreck of a family.  God must have been laughing me dreaming that dream because I can’t get a date/ keep a man interested in me for the life of me.  So there goes my dream of having many children so they don’t have to live this depressing life alone.

Now I have to get out of bed and pretend like she doesn’t annoy me.  I will go out and start getting ready for my day while she gets to rock back and forth with her stupid scarf around her eyes listening to me walk around. I’ll have to say, thank you to her for doing absolutely nothing but preventing me from sleeping and overstaying her welcome as I leave and say have a good day when I just wish she would make a day out of it.  I get to see her ugly milk downed coffee on the counter in a mug that is placed on my small plate. Wtf does she do that.  She uses a mug to drink her nasty sugared up coffee and places it on a plate.  And adds a spoon on the side like it’s a tea party.  She probably ate another launchable.  She literally has cooked food in containers in the fridge and chooses to eat processed food that isn’t even a real meal with her coffee. This will haunt me even after she dies.  I could have helped..how I don’t know…but I didn’t use my time to help her while I could.  I chose to stay away from her because she brings out an evil person out of me.  A hating person.  How can I help?   I have snot all over my t-shirt because I used that to blow my nose writing my thoughts out. I have so much to do…figure this crap out for my sister and dad, figure out my life insurance since it is expiring soon, figure out my stupid goals for this job to tell Karen and it still won’t be good enough for her because I am me. Nothing wrong with being me, but Karen had higher expectations for me which I cannot meet, call masons health insurance because they are saying I’m past due on a payment when they just took 1800 out of account…a few other things I cant remember. When will I have time to do this?  Students keep making appointments with me…like yesterday my schedule was empty and today, the whole week is full.  This is my job and it’s annoying me. This is the scenario that will happen if I go out there.  I think my voice is annoying to her so I’ll come out and says “Ellen?”  She will let out this most annoying noise that resembles a ‘huh’ but not really a huh.  I will say, “I hear you are crying, can I help you.”  “NO! leave me alone.”  OR she would say …hgh…make some noise like a neanderthal while still rocking, “im ok, leave me alone”.  If I push it, let’s say.. I sit down on the computer chair and say, “ I would like to stay here with you.  I am here if you need to talk.”  She will rock in silence for whatever time.  Of course, I can’t stay long because I need to get ready for work.  And so that was the scenario.  Didn’t help a thing, annoy the shit out of me, and she will be off to crying for hours stop and then cry every 20 minutes.  It never leads to anything.  It either leads to a fight or nothing at all. And that is what is frustrating.  Hearing her..hhgh.. noise will irk me.  I will say, “can I get you anything”. Ellen: “hghh”…If I even bring up help….”Im fine!” she will say while rocking like a whale out of water. Your obviously not fine you moron.  Stop saying your fine and get help!!!! I hope she doesn’t wail during the day with the neighbors listening. 

10/15- Old Testament is a trip.

I am still reading the bible.  I thought I was going to enjoy my time reading the Bible and eating a spiritual message from each chapter of each book. Then I would write about every message that I get, but that is not the case. Most chapters are lead on chapters that set the tone of the message that will come in a few chapters ahead. I’ve skipped half of Genesis because the stories of the people and what GOD allowed to happen to some people was making me very sad and angry.  I finished Exodus and I briefly skimmed Numbers.  I am on Deuteronomy.  I am still learning some of the not-so-amazing characteristics of GOD.  I am confirmed with every chapter he is impatient; he is quick to judge and kill, he is highly emotional, he will get angry if you do the slightest thing wrong or not up to his standard of how to do things and the bible tells us a lot he is jealous.  Old Testament says GOD is not approachable.  He is not merciful based on what the chapters read. He is merciful if you pray though. He gave the people spiritual leaders, and the leader would speak on the people's behalf and they would pray on their behalf which kept the Israelites alive for the most part.  This tells me he loves us so much that it hurts him so much when we are not with him that he is quick to anger.  If he didn’t care, he would just leave a long time ago, but he cares so much.  This kind of sounds like a domestic violence situation where the man loves the women so much that no one can have her if he can’t.  But these are just something we need to accept.  This makes it so hard for me to read because I always thought GOD was like Jesus.  My life understanding of him was he was a kind, fair, nonviolent GOD.  The bible is telling me repeatedly that this is not the case.  GOD is violent, he is scary, and he is not peaceful if you don’t fear him and honor him.  God is possessive and if you do not follow his direction to the T, you will be hurt or spiritually abandoned in an instant.  What I think I find beautiful is the role of Jesus.  GOD gave us Jesus because he knew he is all of these things, but he wants to give us a chance to approach him.  He made Heaven for our souls, and he knows that we will never be the souls that deserve heaven which angers him.  It frustrates him so much.  He gave us Jesus so we have a higher chance to walk how GOD wants us to walk so we can go to heaven.  He gave us Jesus and I find that beautiful.  I feel bad for the souls before Jesus, but I am grateful GOD loved us enough to give us more help, more resources to be able to walk with him. I am excited to read about Jesus and learn about him because he knows how scary GOD is but he loves GOD so much and he will teach me to love GOD like him even though the negative sides of GOD make me sad and angry.   The Old Testament teaches us the importance of prayer because if you are not praying to GOD asking him for forgiveness, GOD will spiritually abandon you in an instant because he is quick to anger.  But if you pray for forgiveness, that is the open door for GOD to forgive you.  The Old Testament teaches us why Jesus was so important.  I can assume why Jesus was important but if I didn’t read the Old Testament, I would never know to what extent I should be grateful for his existence and death. If Jesus never came, I think people would be extinct and GOD would have just shared heaven with animals. But GOD saw that there is potential with the people.  Since he has had a good handful of chosen people that talked for him and wrote the bible for him.  He saw we have potential, and it angers him when we are not reaching our full potential.  GOD is stubborn, he knows what we are capable of and get angry when we fall short.  When people fall short GOD has NO mercy unless you pray to him and you ask for forgiveness.  

Exodus 1-4

I couldn’t take Genesis anymore, so I decided to move to the next book. Exodus is a breath of fresh air. I read it without feeling disappointed and sad. I felt empowered and excited about God's plans. I recognized my GOD in Exodus.

It’s been a couple of generations since Isaac.  He made Jacob.  Then I met poor Leah through Jacob’s horrible story.  #Justice4Leah. Anyway, A few generations later Isaac’s descendants lived a wonderful life but then a new king of Egypt came into the world and he put all of Israelites to slavery because he was scared they will take over Egypt.   Enslaving them was his plan to stop the Israelites from growing or to get them to run away from his land. The Israelite’s kept making babies and stayed, the pharaoh said that all Hebrew babies must be killed. God has changed in this era.  He is seeming more fair. The pharaoh made his women who helped other women deliver babies kill all Israel boys at birth.  The women had a heart and did not do what was ordered because they were scared of GOD and they knew not to kill God’s people. They also had a heart for unconditional love for children.  Out of fear of the what the pharaoh will do knowing they purposely did not kill the children, they lied to the Pharaoh about why they couldn’t Kill all Israel boys. GOD blessed those women. In Genesis, I feel like the old GOD would punish the women for lying to the Pharaoh.  That’s how unfair he seemed in Genesis.  But in Exodus era, he blessed them even though they lied because they did it to protect his people and protect helpless babies. Every baby has a purpose in this world so to kill them means we are rerouting Gods plan. since huge percentage people who are born to contribute to whatever his plan is are being killed off.

The pharaoh made it a law for all families to kill their sons instead of counting on the women he initially counted on. Isreal people were required to throw their boys in the Nile River or they would probably be penalized in a terrible way for not obeying their pharoah. My question is why didn't they just move to a different land then have to put up with this geneoicidal ruler. My idea is the dynamic with the people and pharaoh is probably the same dynamic as a domestic abuse case. They were dead for leaving and dead for disobeying. They may have felt like their hands were tied. Or the pharaoh may have been a charismatic ruler who was able to persuade the families that killing these babies is the right and noble thing to do.

Moses was the descendent of Jacob’s son Levi.   His mother kept him as long as she could but eventually, she needed to put him into the Nile River to have him die. The day the mother set him up to float on the Nile River and the pharaoh’s daughter came and saw him. She felt sorry for the Moses baby. Eventually, the pharaoh’s daughter adopted Moses.  Moses is now a prince of the Pharaoh. 

Moses was for Hebrews at heart, and he had compassion for what was happening them. The abuse they had to deal with every hour of the day.  He saw an Egyptian hurting a Hebrew and he ended up killing the Egyptian.  People found out about what he had done and brought it to the Pharaoh.  The pharaoh tried killing Moses and Moses ran away to another land. God seems more forgiving because he still blessed Moses even though Moses killed a human. He showed up to Moses telling him he must save the Israelites from slavery. 

He ran to Midian and caught himself a wife who was the daughter of the priest of Midian.

I think I just figured something out.  Moses saw GOD in a land called Midian.  Midian was one of the sons of Abraham who was named by God. His name means Strife.  The land of Midian was the land where Moses settled in and GOD told him what his calling.  The midian people were named after a Hebrew word that means judgement/ covering/strife.  Moses is a character that has a lot of things to judge him of.  He killed a man.  Did God name Midian after judgement because he knew that eventually Moses will come to Midian in that state?  Feeling judged and feeling like he needs to cover the sin he’s made. It would be kind of cool if the names and places are interconnected in a way that contributes to a greater purpose or plan. That they have deeper connections in the grand scheme of things. 

Like for example, if I had a lot of descendants and land.  I was named after something horrible but only because decades later a prophet that has been dealing with whatever that relates to the meaning of my name will be called by GOD to complete his purpose in my land.  So, somehow my name is linked to something that will happen in the future. Like I wasn’t named randomly by my mom.  My name was given to me by GOD and without my parents knowing they just listened to God when naming me. Idk what I’m talking about. I am having a hard time explaining it. Basically, I am saying my life is little, tiny spec of something huge that will happen generations after my death.  A little spec that will contribute some way or another to something huge. Without my spec of contribution, the huge thing that will happen would never happen if I was missing. That’s beautiful to think about.  Sad that I will never know what my purpose is but maybe God will let me know while I am in heaven since I won’t know what my purpose is as a human. For the people who do not have descendants, their purpose may be fulfilled during their lifetime they are on earth?

Moses heard God’s calling to him.  Moses calling is to save Israel people from slavery. God told him specifically what he wanted him to do. 

Genesis 21- 22

So, GOD tells Abraham to abandon Hagar and her son, Ishmael.  My GOD told a man to leave his child fatherless.  GOD tells Abraham that he will protect Ishmael because Ishmael is Abraham’s son.  Abraham left them to die and never looked back.  This makes me sad. Ishmael did get to be the father of different nations, which is nice.  There are more terrible things coming from God.  God testing Abraham and told him to sacrifice Isaac.  Without a doubt and thought in Abraham’s mind, he moved and planned the sacrifice.  Abraham was ready to burn his child to death, kill a child, no question and go back home.  Luckily it was only a test.  My GOD tests people to that extremity.  After Abraham has already tied up his son and laid him on the alter about to stab him, only then an angel comes and says don’t hurt the child. This was only a test.  Meanwhile, the child is already traumatized. I am embarrassed of my GOD.  I woke up this morning dreading to read these chapters because I knew it would make me sad.  And without a doubt, it did.  I am disappointed with my GOD, and I feel so lost spiritually.  I am officially going to hell because I have doubt in my heart for GOD and I am scared.  This GOD practices favoritism, he tests his people with horrible tasks, and he calls for men to leave their children fatherless.  This GOD has no regard for people and most importantly children.  He has no regard for children.  He makes promises, yes but he doesn’t give those promises without a long-dragged wait.  By the time he gave Abraham the child he longed for, Abraham was an old man and Sarai died 27 years after finally giving birth to her child.  I am disappointed and I do not know where to turn.  I am going to keep reading the bible, but this isn’t going how I imagined it would.  I would imagine, I’d be falling in love with my GOD.  I am dreading to keep reading this

Genesis 14

Abram was called to leave his country with his immediate family.  GOD made many promises to Abram for following him. Abram was a teacher of GOD for years.  Abram left his country and stopped at Canaan. GOD appeared to him in Canaan and told him he came to the right place and that the large canaan land is his along with the promises he made him. Abram built an alter in every area he stopped at to honor GOD. Years later a famine struck at Canaan.

My bible tells me the famine forced him to go to Egypt.  The pastor I watched interpret this passage as him leaving Canaan to get away from the famine by choice, without GOD telling him too. Either way, GOD wanted him to stay in Canaan and act to his calling there, but now Abram was in Egypt instead. As soon as Abram changed the plans, he became very scared, and he acted on his fear. He didn’t know how the Egyptian people were, but he heard they were scary.  He did not pray about his fear or make the time to talk to GOD.  He simply made his own decisions without consulting with GOD first.  The first decision he made and acted on was to lie to the Egyptian people about his beautiful wife being his sister.  He was scared the Egyptians would kill him to have her. This lie resulted in Sarai being approached by the My thoughts is why does GOD punish those who are doing the wrong without knowing they are doing the wrong.  The pharaoh didn’t know his was doing wrong by pursuing Sarai.  He didn’t know she was a married woman.  Adam didn’t know where that apple came from, he just listened to his wife and ate it. So far GOD curses two people that were truly innocent.  I think that is unfair.  Why didn’t GOD curse Abram for not listening to him and fleeing Canaan?  But God chooses to curse the pharaoh because he is pursuing a woman who he thinks is single because Abram lied. 

I read a little about it and someone made a good point that GOD had plans in bringing in a Jesus.  Jesus is the descendent of Abram and Sarai generations later.  God protected Sarai because Abram wasn’t doing it and he needed Sarai to be the mother of Abrams decedents so eventually Mary will be born and have Jesus. Basically, everything that happens. Everything is part of GOD plan- the unfortunate things is part of the plan and the great things.  We must just have faith that every bad thing or good thing that happens is a moving part to whatever plan GOD has for whatever person.  I just had an even worst thought.th worst of the worst to happen to someone, she should just get back up and say, “This was part of God’s plan?” This is making me feel worse. This is the Old Testament. Before Jesus. Let’s Keep reading and see what answers we get for the questions I am getting and the things I am learning that are making me sad. 

GOD sent curses to the pharaoh’s house for taking Sarai and the pharaoh confronted Abram asking him why he would lie.  The pharaoh kicked Abram out of Egypt and Abram went back to Canaan. I do not know if he knew was back in the same place he started or not. He felt better in Canaan and the bible didn’t day there was any fear there. Abram, his wife, lot and all of their possessions stayed there a while.  Abram’s possessions started getting into Lot’s way and vice versa. Abram decided they should separate.  Abram set Lot free and allowed him to choose which direction he wanted to flee at.  This was whatever the direction is, Abram would be in the opposite direction, so they have space.  Lot was led by beauty and chose the direction where the land looked green and nice. Later to find out the people of the land were not nice.  Once they parted, GOD spoke to Abram and told him the entire land of Canaan is his. He told Abram to explore the land.

For years Canaan has been in battles between kings of the city lands.  The main king that keeps conquering every city was King Kedorlaomer. Some cities rebelled against him which led to a big war.  The big king won that war and took all the possessions of the rebel cities.  Lot was in one of the rebel cities.  The big king took Lot as well. News broke out and Abram was told about Lot’s city being captured. Abram had a lot of men with him, and they went to go find king Kedorlaomer.  They found him and they defeated him.  He brought back all the possessions lost to the cities that lost against them. Melchizedek-king and priest on a city to war didn’t touch- he was considered the high of priests- blessed Abram for battling the bully king and winning back everything for the cities. The priest asked Abram to keep everything except the people. Abram didn’t want to take anything.  But he asked that the priest share food with his allies.  He said “I will not take so much but a single thread or sandal thong from what belongs to you. Otherwise, you might say, I am the one who made Abram rich.”  Listening to the interpretation of the man pastor, he made it seem like Abram was giving the glory to GOD and humbly declined the rewards so that glory would go to GOD. It was a story of selflessness.  Reading the bible, it makes me feel like he didn’t accept the rewards because he didn’t want anyone but GOD to bless him.  He said, I don’t want anything from you because then you can say you played a part in making me rich/ blessing me.  He wants to only have GOD bless him.  He has faith that everything he needs God will provide so he didn’t accept the richness from the priest.  He battled the evil king without wanting any rewards. He did it because he had too. Its just weird to say, no because then you can say you helped to bless me?  Its kind of rude to say that. The bible could have said anything but that as a reason why he didn’t accept the gifts. 

Genesis 12/13

Genesis 12:

This is the story about Abram and his experience with following GOD.  Unlike Noah’s patience, Abram did not wait to listen to GOD’s instruction. He listened this first time but when things got rough, he lost faith in GOD’s ability to deliver him from anguish and he allowed his own wisdom to lead the way instead of being led by GOD.  GOD told Abram to leave behind his country and travel to Canaan.  He does that. He stays there for a bit, built a church, and taught the word of GOD. Then a famine struck Canaan and instead of staying like GOD asked him to or waiting for GOD’s answer to overcoming the famine, he moved to Egypt. 

Abram felt afraid and didn’t know what would come out of moving to Egypt.  He started preparing for the worst. He didn’t know the kind of people in Egypt but he assumed that the men would try to kill him to take his wife, since she is so beautiful.  As a result of that fear and that unknown, he walked into Egypt with a plan to tell people that Sarai is his sister.  This plan led to Sarai being pursued by the Pharoah and it led to more problems. GOD sent plagues to the Pharoah’s house and the pharaoh realized that he took a wife from a man.  He kicked him out of Egypt. Abram ended up going back to Negev and ended up going back to Canaan, where he started. But he came back with a surplus of food.  Canaan was still dealing with famine I think and his fear, though led him to some bad experiences and risky experiences, he met his goal in having food be provided to him and the group he was with.  But I guess if he consulted with GOD first, he would have had an easier time getting food for his group.

When you have the feeling of fear, this is an open door to consult with GOD and ask for help instead having your next step be self-led. 

Genesis Chapter 13:

They settled in the same place he started.  With all the livestock and herdsman that Abram and his nephew Lot had, there started to be some problems between them since there was not enough room to fit in the possessions.  Abram told Lot that he does not want any problems between them.  He asked Lot to choose a section of the land and he will leave him there.  Lot chose a section that looked good but without him knowing had people in it that were corrupt and not GOD believing. He walked by sight and not by faith. I don’t think Abram knew the type of people in any of the areas, so I don’t think he did anything according to an evil plan.  It just so happens that what looked amazing holds terrible things and risks for the person choosing that thing.

Lesson learned:  Take time before finalizing a decision to pray about it and consult GOD about it. 

Genesis 9 and 10

Genesis 9:

I am so tired.  I could only have slept one-hour last night and I feel dead.  This stinks because I have a full long day ahead of me.  

Chapter 9 is the chapter that tells us GOD’s first covenant with us. He said we are not allowed to murder anyone.  If a person murders another person, they are subject to be killed. He said he will never flood the world again to wipe out the race. He said the rainbow if made to remind him of his covenant. 

Noah did something silly and got drunk + some that left him lying naked in the tent.  His youngest son exposed him by telling his brothers.  His brothers covered his father with a cloth and helped him. Once Noah recovered he felt embarrassed and he courses his youngest son for seeing him naked and telling his sons about it.  So he curses his son’s poor baby.  The baby is named Canaan.  He was cursed to be a serpent.  His family would also be serpents or at least have too work very hard to reach the top. 

This of course, makes me sad. I don’t understand why Noah cursed his younger son’s child.  His younger son didn’t even do anything wrong. Noah should not have exposed himself and he is mad that his youngest son saw him naked?  Don’t get naked then…So I don’t believe that his younger son’s family should have gotten cursed. He didn’t do anything at all. So this makes me mad at Noah and God for allowing such a curse to affect a child who didn’t do anything and has a parent that is only guilty of seeing his father’s poor decision. This makes me feel that people can be cursed for no reason at all and that is that.  These generational curses is what brings struggle to our daily lives and people live with these curses probably for no reason at all but they do. I am learning that GOD is unfair, or he allows unfairness. This makes me sad. I feel like our family’s curse is dying alone.  This is unfair because I didn’t do anything to deserve the curse to play out in my life. I am expected to accept it and my child needs to accept it as well.  This is crap and it makes me very angry. This is unfair. Reading other people’s interpretations, it says that Ham did something that was wrong and that’s all we need to know. I still think he should have had a curse on him not his innocent baby who literally didn’t ask to be in the world. Now the baby has to hold this Burdon all his life for nothing that he did. #injusticetoCanaan. Reading a bit further on google, Canaan’s whole community gets wiped out by GOD.  GOD is wiping out people again.  OMG.  He promised he wouldn’t though, right? I skimmed through it a little but I do not know if this is for real or not.  

Genesis 10:  Today was a rough day and mostly it was because I was getting sick this morning.  I could not sleep the night before and I was exhausted.  I read Genesis 9 this morning and I had so many questions about why poor Canaan was given the short end of the stick.  I was doubting GOD and wondering how GOD could allow Noah to curse a child and his descendants.  I’ve been reading about other people’s interpretations of this, but it didn’t help. I felt so disappointed and sad all day. I decided to read more tonight as I allow the tea that I drink earlier to go through my intestines and out my body.  As I read chapter 10, it told me that Canaan had multiple children and each one formed their own clan.  So, it’s not that every single child of Canaan had the curse. He was the ancestor of 10 different clans including the Canaanites who were wiped out by GOD later in the Old Testament.  There was one thing I read from a guy’s interpretation, and he said that it wasn’t a curse that Noah set out on his grandbaby, it was a prophecy.  Chapter 10 does support this since the other clan weren’t wiped out entirely. He knew that one of Canaan’s clans would fall behind and be wiped out by GOD.  I feel like as I continue to read and keep this story in mind, it may make sense?  I feel having faith is believing those things that don’t make sense.  GOD didn’t call us out to make sense of his word.  He calls us out to have faith and trust him. Everything that has happened in the past and that will happen in the future, there is a purpose and that’s all we need to know. Chapter 10 talks about the descendants and family tree of all of Noah.  It talks about how language became different.

Genesis 8

The first time I read this chapter, I felt sad that the burning aroma of a poor little animal brought happiness and pleasure to GOD.  “Without shedding of blood, there is no forgiveness.”  I googled it to see why GOD would enjoy such a thing. I learned it was a temporary covering of human sins.  That’s so scary. I still feel bad for those babies. GOD expected people to slice animals and it brought him happiness.? That sounds so demonic. This chapter is hard to read without getting upset, one way or another.  But the last few chapters, I stopped my study feeling good about GOD, so I am sure the same thing will happen here. 

The first thought that I get is what if sacrifice was a people made up thing.  Like they might have thought the sacrifices would make GOD pleased and they wrote it in the book.  But the bible is GOD’s word that he spoke to the prophet, so it must be the truth. I must have faith the animals died for a reason and the reason is they gave people GOD’s forgiveness for their consistent sinning. This is how people made right with GOD.  I am assuming the people that died in the flood have had decades go by without bringing sacrifice to GOD.  They forgot about GOD completely. Children never learned about GOD, they never worshipped him or prayed for centuries and generations. Or maybe they did but the way they interpreted GOD’s generational stories were completely steered left that as a result it drifted the entire race away from GOD entirely. My question is by the time Noah was born; how did he learn about GOD if no one really brought that information to him since people stopped talking about GOD/ spoke out wrong interpretations decades before his birth?  This is me overthinking it.  I need to just know that there was a time where people stopped thinking, learning, and acknowledging God’s presence and his teachings for decades upon decades. Their sins grew larger to the point where GOD was fed up because the world is covered with the devil, and he saw that no one will go to heaven. GOD wants humans to go to heaven.  He made this place for our souls, and he wants people to join him for eternity. I must just get used to the talk of animal sacrifice because GOD told the prophecies to emphasize that is how GOD was shown that we are always working on cleansing our sin and to show him that we are working on ourselves. This is what people did  (before Jesus)to ensure GOD will not be fed up and wipe out the entire race again. 

With the flood, it shows us that GOD does want to kill people who are sinning and not washing away their sins or working on themselves to walk with him. GOD has killed and would continue to kill if Jesus did not come along/ sacrifices were not made.  The slaughter of innocent animals died in place of the sinners.  Sacrifice is important to make sure GOD doesn’t wipe out the world again. Thank GOD for Jesus because can you image the number of cases in this day in age where people say GOD is speaking to them and they must slaughter an animal for sacrifice.  They would be so coco and dangerous to the community. Barbaric. 

I don’t think that GOD enjoyed the slaughter of the animals, and it didn’t please him to see the death.  I think the slaughter represented that people are still acknowledging their flaws and trying to serve him and trying very hard to wash away their sins that they keep doing. I cant imagine how many people did whatever they pleased knowing they will just slaughter an animal later to wash away that sin though. I just wish there was another way people could have showed him they are working on cleansing themselves from sins. I’m trying to make this sound right but it’s giving me a headache. I’m not going to overthink this.  That is the way GOD forgave people for sinning, end of story.  The death of those poor animals was the security that GOD will not wipe out another race again because it represented, we are working on ourselves, and we need to be forgiven often.  The sacrifice of an animal was representation that we repent of our sins and would like to be given a second chance/third/fourth millions of chances to try again. Yes, it stunk to be animal back in those days, but animals are made for human consumptions and needs. It is what it is.  What is important is that we don’t need to sacrifice animals anymore, because Jesus was created, and he was the ultimate sacrifice.  We repent our sins by accepting him as our savior.  It is an upgraded way of repenting. I am so grateful for that because I would never be able to kill an animal or watch an animal to be slaughtered. Or be in a church where they kill animals.

You know what is scary.  The bible is very interpretative and different pastors interpret the bible differently. Each church is being taught something different by their pastors about what the bible is saying and that is very scary.  How do I know if how the Levittown pastor is interpreting the bible is how GOD wants us to interpret it? The pastor has so much power in bringing people to GOD and bringing them away from GOD.  It is sad for me that there are some churches that are leading people to the devil.  Those people think they are coming into church to bring them and their families closer to GOD but they are being steered a different way. This is why it is important for all people to read through the bible and make their interpretations themselves.  GOD will speak to them doing that.  This way when they come into a church that is interpreting the bible in a way that is off, people will be alerted. It makes me sad that there are people that corrupt the church willingly.  I think the Levittown church is good. I hope I don’t find something fishy with them on how the pastor interprets things from the bible. 

So, this chapter talks about how long it took for the flood to subside and allow Noah to dock the boat on land somewhere.  This story shows that when GOD asks you to do something to serve him, he will give you specific tasks.  In Noah’s case, GOD told him exactly when to make the arch, what to put in the arch, when to put the living things into the arch, and exactly when it was safe to dock the boat and finally let the living things out.  This was a long time coming and with the amount of time that passed by between each task, any other human would either start doing the task on their own term/thoughts or complete forget the task.  For example, after Noah bult the arch, I am sure a bunch of time went by before the actual flood came.  This would lead anybody to think that GOD isn’t going to do the flood anymore or I think GOD forgot about this task. Noah was patient and he did not listen to anyone until GOD told him the next step. Another example is,iIt took a couple of months of sailing after the water stopped flooding,but Noah was patient. Noah knew that GOD would not forget about him and he just waited for GOD’s green light.  I feel like people are impatient by nature.  I feel like if the flood water stopped, I would start looking for a place to dock sooner rather than waiting on GOD.  It’s an instinct to start getting where you think you should be going quickly.  But this chapter tells me that if you spend time with GOD to the point where you can hear him, he will tell you exactly when it is the time to do what.  He will tell you when the perfect time is to do whatever.  I must practice Noah’s patience.  Because I am sure if he wasn’t in a mindset where he was able to hear GOD, he would have docked the boat way sooner than the number of months the bible said and if he did it his way, he would not be serving the purpose GOD wanted him to serve. The story of Noah is a story of a man who successfully fulfilled the purpose GOD set forth for him by listening to GOD no matter how much silence there was between tasks.  Noah waited for GOD’s next direction.  He must have prayed every day, ringing GOD to see if this is the day, I can let the animals out of the boat.  He waited patiently and eventually got all the answers.  The first script of this chapter is GOD remembered Noah.  Noah new GOD would remember him and not leave him on the boat for the rest of his life.  He believed in that, and he was correct. Though it took a long time and there were probably days he felt “does God remember me?  Should I just start trying to dock this boat now?”  But he continued to pray and continued to keep his ears open for GOD’s next step declared.  Noah is a prime example of patience that humans must have with GOD. Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to understand this chapter. 

There is a third and final part to this chapter.  I will need to write about this another day because I need to get ready for church.  It is amazing how one chapter will bring so much interpretation.

Genesis 7

This chapter described the flood, and it sounds very harsh.  GOD flooded the earth so much that it surpassed over the highest mountain.  It flooded for 40 days and nights and GOD waited until every single human died.  His children died.  GOD killed his children for being disobedient. Here comes the devil telling me “How can this be a loving GOD with grace.  Some people were probably dying slowly, and GOD didn’t give them grace.  If this is what happened, they probably were praying to GOD asking for help, but he didn’t help because his mind was made up about them.  I also think about the children of those people. Genesis is a hard book to read and have faith in GOD’s love. If this is true.  If GOD did wipe out all the earth. This chapter leaves me to think that GOD does not play. Maybe that is the point of the story.  To tell people in its own way that GOD is someone who gets angry when we do not live the life he calls for us to live which is serving him and finding his grace.  It is either you follow him and abide by him, or you don’t.  If you don’t, he will disown you. We won’t be in his group anymore for eternity. I am hoping this story’s purpose is for readers to know how serious GOD is and when you die, and it is time for judgement, he will be harsh.  I feel like if I die, he will judge me as not loving him enough right away and not give me any opportunity to convince him otherwise.  This story tells me he is a strict father who does not mess around when it comes to our love for him and our unconditional faith in him.  This story tells me he left behind a pool of people once for not finding him and he will do it again if we continue to not live the way he wants us to live. The way he made us to live like. I feel like GOD still loves me, but he is fed up with chasing me.  At this point I believe I would have been the person who was left to drown if I was alive in this era and if this was real.  I feel like GOD is always there when I decide to take this seriously and walk with him but when I am half into, he has a quarter of an eye looking at me to see when I am ready and the other is focusing on something more important. He can tell if I will continue with practicing my faith and he knows if I will commit to learning the bible every day. When I pray, I know he listens, but maybe it with only one ear. With the strict character trait he has (based on this story), I think he is frustrated with me. This is why I think I feel so alone when I do enter church.  I feel like he is with me, but he doesn’t listen to my worship because he knows I will be going in and out of church and staying consistent with it. God is speaking to me, and he is asking me to show my commitment to him by actually stepping out onto the stage when the paster says “If you want to claim GOD and Jesus as your savior, come onto the podium so we can pray for you.”  This will be very hard for me. This alone will probably make me not want to come to church because I am scared to do that.  I fear the after math of it.  I will get prayed on and then what…I stand up and awkwardly walk back into my car? I dread awkwardness completely. I think in that moment GOD will walk along side of me because he sees that I am showing him that I will commit to him.  I hope so.  I mean I can do it, but I need to lead up to it.  I won’t be able to do that tomorrow when I go to church.  I need to take small steps.  Reading the bible every morning, attend church regularly, make friends if I can, join a bible study?  Little things like that and then I will be ready one day.

Genesis 5 and 6

Genesis 5 & 6:

Chapter 5 spoke about all the descendants from Seth.  I can’t imagine why this information was brought down from generation to generation by families.  Why did we need to know all the descendants from Seth? A) to show the world how many years have passed until Noah’s Arch and flood. B) to give a visual of how many humans were on earth.

As human population increased, sinful acts increased in number and level.  Which I believe.  We are all flawed as humans and with the devil being here, this was an era where he was winning.  GOD became very angry at the amount and level of sin that was being made.  People started forgetting about GOD and even though GOD was calling out to them, no one listened.  GOD was becoming very angry.  I believe that 100% because people can be so cruel, disgusting and just plainly animal like.  I can imagine the kind of things they were doing then.  They may have been doing the same things as humans are doing now (trafficking, being corrupt for money, killing people violently for no reason, people harming helpless people and animals for no reason at all). The only person that found favor in GOD and listened to GOD despite the sin chaos that was going around was Noah.  GOD had enough with how stupid people were and called down to Noah asking him to prepare for the flood that GOD create to wipe out human and the sin that was around.  GOD wanted to start all over with Noah. My literal lens is very hard to turn off.  But I do believe in a being called Noah and him building an arch.  I just don’t know if I believe the entire race was killed. I would also wonder why GOD thought about killing the poor animals that had nothing to do with human sin.  This tells me GOD is an emotional energy? I mean he has to be if he feels love for us and grace? But from what I know that will happen in the future, he gets frustrated with us often but he still loves us because he createsJesus for us. To die for us so we can live and have second chances when the devil wins over us again and again. Human beings are a huge disappointment, so I understand GOD’s frustration. We are weak and the Devil takes advantage of our weakness for sure. I think the point of this chapter is just to learn about one of the first times GOD was angry with us because of how sinful we became and completely stopped thinking about GOD.  It teaches us that GOD does get frustrated with us to the point of declaring us dead for the level of sins we commit.  He will give us grace but after a while if no one finds that grace and does better with the chance they are given, GOD gets fed up.  OR at least during the earlier life of earth, he got fed up easily.  This makes me more thankful for Jesus and the suffering he felt for the humans that want to repent their sinful nature. My literal lens also thinks this narrative could simply mean that GOD allowed the sinful humans to be dead from him. So maybe there was no flood, but the devil observed people were left behind by GOD at that point in time. GOD asked Noah to be the person who builds up GOd's earthly empire and started from scratch with Noah and the generations he will create. So now there is a population of people who are dead to GOD (but still living) and the population that found Gods grace. This story could be telling us one of the first times where people of the devil separated from the people of GOD. Then why didn't GOD ask the person writing this chapter to just say that?

Genesis chapter 4

This chapter describes the family tree of Adam and eve up too Enos and Lamech’s family. It makes me appreciate giving birth to my baby mason.  I am so grateful I have one child. I would still love to have more but I am thankful to GOD, I have at least one. Adam and eve’s first son killed his younger brother because he was weird in the head and jealous of him. I feel bad for Adel. He lived such a short life, and he did nothing wrong. It shows me how sick people can be.  Not everyone kills for a reason.  They can kill for no reason at all and that scary.  It makes me be thankful I don’t run into many people in my world because people can be crazy.

I just realized Cain and all his children had sex with their siblings…I’m sorry Lord, but this sounds ridiculous to me. This sounds like a fairy tale story.  Man was created out of dust.  A women was created from the rib of the man.  They lived for hundreds of years, making hundreds of babies.  The babies end up marrying/having babies with one another, the babies not coming out genetically weird from a miracle but then all of a sudden, a few hundred years later, incest begin to have babies come out weird looking.  Then it’s the whole presence of incest in the early years that makes me feel ehh. GOD would see the children having sex with one another and they are somehow related.  During Cain’s era who ever his wife was she could have been a sister or a niece of a sibling.  Wth? This truly sounds stupid.

People are saying to never take genesis literal and that makes me feel better because if we were expected to take it literal, I would think someone if making a fool out of me. God’s prophecies wrote the bible.  The book was passed down for thousands of years as more prophecies add on to it.  We are missing a low of context because people are flawed and I’m sure they missed lots of parts.  But how is that Christians are reading genesis and having studies on the book when we know we are missing so much information.  Making a woman from a man rib?  That is crazy to believe but GOD told the prophecy to write it down? The book literally says that Adam was the first human being. He could have been the very first creation but maybe god created more beings after him but the bible is missing this part. It annoys me how there is not enough information to make this sound legit.  The way genesis is written makes me feel many people steer away from the bible because it’s like wth kind of crap is this? Something tells me this is man’s flaw on paper. God could not have written this he wanted the man to write it.  He’s probably looking at this chapter like wth?  But it is all we have so he expects us to just go with the flow with it.  I will do that, but it makes it hard to defend if someone asks me, as a representative to GOD, to explain this book and how I can possibly believe this is true. This is man-made, how do we know if this version of the bible is even the version where GOD really put truth into it. I don’t trust people and I feel like millions of years ago someone decided we should not know the truth and burned the book and wrote this mumbo jumbo instead. I feel like the devil wrote this chapter because it really makes you question what you are representing.  How can GOD allow the devil to speak to a prophecy and have this be written down and put into the bible? Every time we read this scripture we are being tested and that’s not fair at all! I’m just going to take the first few chapters of genesis and take it with a grain of salt.  I believe in Adam and eve and the sin they created but the other information I will just take it with a grain of salt. This book makes me angry even. I must just remember that the information in the bible are stories made by people.  I must look at it as symbolism to explain real truths.  For example, chapter 1 is a story that was passed on from generation tp generation that simply says GOD made earth and everything in it.  How he made earth could be fiction.  Creating a man from dust, making a woman from his rib.  All of that could just be a fairy tale narrative just to emphasize that God is all mighty and he is the creator of all. The details of this book could just be extra things people made up to just add to the story.  But we need to look at the broader things.  How the first sin started.  It wasn’t from an apple and a snake manipulating a woman.  This story was made to let us know that people are easy to manipulate, and the act of sinning has been on earth since GOD first made it.  The snake is a symbol for the devil.  There were no talking snakes in the world.  Thank you lord for helping me understand

Genesis 3

Genesis 3:

In this story GOD learns/ confirmed how flawed human are.  We are easily manipulated and will do things we shouldn’t do be doing if left alone.  GOD had a lot of trust for Adam and Eve by giving them their own autonomy and thinking just by telling them the tree is bad, that they will listen.  They listened for a while but then something happened where they decided to not listen.  I have a lot of questions.  First, why did GOD lie to the man and women saying if they eat from the tree, they will die?  He knew how easily they can be manipulated, that’s why he said that so he knew that eventually they will not listen.  GOD made the serpent that was manipulative.  Was he testing Adam and eve and just waiting to see how long it will take for them to eat that fruit?  Once they are the fruit, he gave them harsh punishments.  The snake was punished. I don’t understand how. the women will create life in pain…but tolerable pain.  Man will be the reason the world dies?  Why did the man have the worst punishment of all when all he did was listen to the women.  The women didn’t tell him it was from the tree.  She just presented him a random apple. He thought it was a random apple and he wasn’t given the chance to decide because he didn’t know where this came from.  So, I think this chapter is a little unfair. God set them up to fail. He gave them freedom to walk next to the tree he doesn’t want them to eat from, he made a serpent who is manipulative in character and put them together.  Of course, eventually, the serpent will manipulate them to do something they shouldn’t do.  GOD made us so he knows that we are easily manipulated and flawed.  He didn’t set up Adam and eve for success.  That makes me sad. GOD wants to test us all our life.  He is playing with us then. And if we fail the test, we go to hell…

I think it’s the logistical lens I am reading this that makes this more complex than it is.  God knows everything.  Do we know this for sure?  This chapter would make sense if GOD didn’t know what eve’s choice will be.  He knew that she will be tempted by the snake, but he wasn’t sure what choice she would make.  But the setting up for failure is what is convincing me.  If GOD knew that one day Eve will need to make a choice, couldn’t he have educated both Adam and Eve a but more about the things in his world that may manipulate them one day? Then again, this is the only 4th chapter of the entire beginning of life section.  It would make sense that GOD told them do not listen to the serpent.  But Eve chose to allow the serpent in her head. Adam and Eve did not know good or bad before the apple was eaten.  They were essentially dumb, as many times as GOD would tell them this is bad, or this is good. It goes from one ear and out the other because they have no clue what he is talking about since they don’t have the experience.  It’s like at my job they made me watch all these videos on how to navigate degree works but I was still lost because I needed to handle degree works to learn.  

GOD is huge on freewill.  He doesn’t want to force us to love him.  He wants to be chosen. Humans can relate to this.  We want to be chosen by someone.  If we are chosen, we know we are valued more than if someone just put us together.  GOD wants to be chosen and wants us to value him and not take him for granted.  This chapter is a story of when GOD gave humans the ability to choose.  He gave Adam and Eve the knowledge of good and evil, so they can be on their path to experiencing the world and their earthly desires, in hopes they will choose the right thing at the end?

GOD wants us to choose loving him.  He doesn’t want to make us love him.  He wanted us to know good from evil, experience good and evil ourselves because that experience has a good shot of leading us to choose GOD. Heaven chose us but we must choose it. This is why he allowed the snake to slither around his precious humans.  He knew he would do his job in making them disobey GOD because otherwise they wouldn’t.  They received the gift of knowing good from evil.  But this leads me to the next thing. why wouldn’t GOD just allow them to eat from the tree then…Why did this have to be such a dramatic event?  Plus, he punished them for disobeying him really harshly.  What is the point of that?

Genesis chapter 2:

God rested on the seventh day.  It is important to rest from working hard.  What are you supposed to do on Sabbath day? Google says on the seventh day, you devote your time and energy to GOD.  GOD wants me to devote an entire 12-24 hours worshipping him and talking to him.  I feel sad because I only give him an hour in the morning 

This speaks to me because it tells me GOD wants to spend time with us and he asks us to give him at least a day so he can talk to me.  My dream is I can spend my seventh day with people and we can devote our hours to GOD together.  I don’t want to do things alone. That would be something I would look forward too. Like if I found a church where I felt like I can trust them and I belong, I make friends and connections.  We plan to meet or do something together to worship GOD or learn about him together.  That would be so nice. I mean, church does do that.  You go to church gathering and this is why church normally has events after service so people can be together and talk about GOD together. Talking to people is so hard for me.  I am thinking about if I stayed after church and was open to meeting people in the event they hold, what do I say?  I start remembering the moments I have with people where they did come to me and speak to me but I just couldn’t keep the conversation flowing to be a nice interaction.  IT quickly becomes awkward, and I see they decided to move along and stop the interaction. Politely of course.  They excuse themselves somehow.  That make me sad because it is a subtle rejection. When people talk, there is some kind of connection made from the interaction.  I don’t experience a connection with people which makes me wonder if I have a form of autism or something. I don’t think I am autistic because people with autism can’t connect emotionally.  I can connect with people emotionally; I just can’t connect with people socially.  The interactions I contribute to aren’t always pleasant.  I keep thinking about the word awkward.  I use that word a lot to the point where I am labeling all my interactions this way.  I think I need to stop saying these words and affiliating that with the interactions I make.  I would like all my interactions to be good but that puts a lot of pressure on the conversation for me and maybe that’s where the problem starts.  Next moment I have with a human, I shouldn’t put pressure to make it a pleasant one and I would like to let it flow and see how it turns out. But I don’t know how to do that. Do I just keep repeating my head, let this flow.  Do I say to myself, it ok if the interaction is not pleasant? I know when I talk to someone, I start thinking in my head, I hope this person will like me.  I hope a connection will be made somehow. Then something happens in the air, and I don’t usually make that connection.  How do I refrain from thinking that?  Maybe instead of me saying, I hope this person likes me.  I can say I hope I like this person?  This way the pressure is gone for me to perform and be fake.  I think with that thought I will start acting entitled like I am the queen, and the people must persuade me why I should give them the time of day. I want to be humble, so I won’t think that.  Maybe I can think GOD placed this person in front of me.  I want to learn why GOD placed this person in front of me.  I can ask what the purpose of this interaction is because with GOD, everything has its purpose. I think this thought would relieve some pressure on my part and the flow would be there.  I feel like when I don’t feel the pressure of “ Alla don’t be weird, Alla don’t do something that will make the person not like you, Crap you did something that made the person give you that look.” I will be able to have a better experience talking to that person.  If my experience is good, then it will all fall together. 

I think I used this moment to use God on how to make my life better.  I don’t want to have a session where I think about how I can use my faith to better my quality of life.  That’s not the point.  The point of this is to learn how I can serve GOD and fulfill my godly purpose in this world.  When talking to people I can think about how can I obey GOD with this interaction?

I’m very selfish and I don’t know how else to think.  It’s not about me and how I feel in an interaction.  It should be about GOD but all I could think about is how can I make the interaction pleasant for me. This is where I am struggling, and I will think about it the whole day.  I will revisit this tomorrow. 

This chapter is about God creating Adam and Eve. God created man to take care of the beautiful world he built.  God created women to help the man take care of the world. God wants us to be around people and be in a community.  He does not want me to live this world alone. It makes me wonder why I have been alone all these years and why I continue to be alone.  But I am not alone in him and he wants me to follow him so he can put me in front of the community I will grow in.