When I started this semester, I felt like I could handle teaching, despite how unsafe the university is right now (per my existence being labeled devisive & regular messaging via emails, trainings, etc around that), because I'd only be there 2 days a week. And work (where I am 3 days a week) and home was safe. But now work isn't safe either (per signals of my "specialized population" needing to be hidden away whenever I leave), so 5 days a week I have to wade through knowing I'm places I'm not wanted and where if I make the slightest mistake or do the wrong thing (read, anything they don't like while existing) I'll find myself quickly in a really bad scenario. The stress is making it hard to function. And this just really, really sucks. Especially because it put me in a double bind where I just had to pick the least awful path forward, but for which they could still find fault with.

Silver lining wise, I essentially broke down to my CFT advisor and was very clear that I have hit my limit of what I can deal with. It's just been constant new ways to discriminate, minority stress, etc for a bit now and after multiple things this week, on top of just physically not feeling well, I have nothing left to draw on to manage it with.

I literally just sat in my campus office and cried yesterday, didn't manage to stop crying in time to make it to my second class (after dismissing the class I teach early), and just not being ok.

Luckily, he agreed that things are just not okay or safe, and that it's not me over reacting/just being too stressed. Which was validating. We are going to meet Monday and discuss adapting a project I was already developing to fit as the second study for my dissertation, so I can get done as quickly as possible and gtfo.

Not going into the office today. I feel like my boss will want to check in that we are okay, and we aren't. And I'm not up for making a cis/het/endo person feel better about them making me feel like I and my population is less than.

I've gone over the convo and request a few different ways, and any way I look, it is discrimination disguised as compromise. Which we aren't talking about compromise when the other person is not expected to actually do anything (cause reminders of their existence doesn't make anyone uncomfortable) and which wouldn't be requested if I wasnt queer/worked with queer clients.

I'm just so tired of having to navigate being "professional" while others see it as completely okay to devalue and treat my very existence as being problematic.

I know my boss doesn't even realize she did that, because she's so welcoming (just ignore that Harry Potter stuff in the waiting room...). I also know that if I push back, I will be labeled as the issue, so there is no way forward that isn't me being a problem just because I and my clients exist.

I'm just going to stop accepting new clients and let my client list die off. Hopefully there will be minimal need for care disruption by summer. I'll defend my CFT dissertation, do something for the EMS thesis/comps, and just gtfo.

If you say everyone is supposed to do the same thing, but in reality the only ones affected by a rule are minorities, then you aren't being fair. You are being discriminatory. If you see it as reasonable that reminders of a minority population's existence are uncomfortable and should be hidden, then you are prejudiced yourself.

And if, when you tell a minority person you have authority over about these things, you find yourself complimenting the minority person on how professional they are when they don't push back, know that you just outed yourself as a bigot. Be aware that their careful reaction isn't about being professional. It's about them protecting themselves from you.

To do Today

Grant Review Write-Up

Measurement Construction Presentation

Client Notes

Email responses

Trans cat stitch markers.

I cannot help but feel like they are plotting something.

Around 2 AM, my lungs had locked down so hard I was trying to decide at what point I either cancelled Friday's clients, or offered telehealth only. I couldn't get my fever below 100°, my spO2 rates kept dropping despite increased musinex, nebulizers, decongestant, antihistamine, etc.

Around 11 AM, the fever broke and my lungs are noticeably loosening up. My spO2 is firmly in the 90s, and the bug seems to have passed. Pretty sure it was the same 2 day cold Trace had, but I think I'll not need the oral steroids he ended up needing.

Also very glad I'm not going to be sick for Christmas again!

Poly manuscript is drafted.

Goodnight

Today I need to remember to:

Sign teaching contract for spring

Print forms for Friday

Finish poly manuscript draft

Contract signed, forms printed for Friday.

Manuscript will have to wait for Saturday.

Today I need to remember to:

Sign teaching contract for spring

Print forms for Friday

Finish poly manuscript draft

Today I need to remember to:

Sign teaching contract for spring

Print forms for Friday

Finish poly manuscript draft

The kitten still enjoys my crocheting.

I've got a contract for teaching T/Th this spring semester, so that's nice.

Need to complete my paper about competencies in poly couples/partners therapy, have completed the Integrative Couples Therapy recorded training, attending the consultation group for Integrative Couples Therapy on Tuesday, then I'm done with this semester's stuff.

Gonna try to take it a little easy until January, though I'll still be seeing clients M/W/Fs.

I finished editing/reviewing the draft of my second chapter. My brain is mush but it's drafted and sent off to my advisors. Yay.

I meet with my dissertation chair Monday and hope to figure out next steps for dissertation stuff.

I feel a lot less stressed bout where I am with the process. Going to take a break and then either reorient to couples stuff or reorient to Statistics stuff. Not sure which.

I finished the initial draft of the second chapter of my dissertation. My goal this weekend is the go over it entirely and make it legible (aka, read it out loud and rewrite so that it makes sense), then do a final sweep to add anything I realize I left out, and send it out to my advisor's for suggestions.

This week has been rough. My lungs are doing poorly, but I'm still avoiding going to the doctor from all the frustration with meds and insurance and just not having the bandwidth.

One of my kids vomited at school on Monday, was sent home for 24 hours. Then today, Thursday, got punched in the face from a scuffle (he was not involved in, just sorta got fallen onto during, idk- but that's what the school and he both say). So, chaos.

I did manage to complete the draft of my first dissertation chapter between parenting chaos, tons of nebulizers, and everything else.

AND

I turned in my article on time. Which, I wasn't sure was going to happen after my lungs tanked. So, yay.

So happy dad came home.