Lilian Koek

Baby highland cow gets scritches.

Is there still a place for me here?

After years of watching movies and reading books I've noticed that I'm usually going through just about the same things as the characters. Perhaps that's proof enough that we're in a simulation, but I digress. Is my life so pathetic that I've never had my own unique experience that so many people go through the same situations enough to have written so much about it? or is my life simply so grand that it inspires people to write about it. I'm sure it's just that I've never had a unique experience in my entire life, although I guess I should be happy that I'm not alone.

I started re-watching SIL and after my break up I find myself relating to a few of the main characters. I see myself in Sam who would rather be cynical than be hurt by love. I am also like (insert moms name) and how she regrets leaving a man who loved her for a man who gave her momentary happiness from gratifying sex and is now currently having arguments/fights with him. and yet I feel vicarious relief towards the end when she goes back and apologizes for getting lost and how she realizes now that she in fact made a mistake. I see myself in Rusty who is a hopeless romantic. And although I said I feel cynical, above, it's as though I feel both. I want to love and be loved and yet I don't want to go through any of what I had endured the last 4 years.

Which brings me to Bill and although he's waiting, hoping for his ex wife to come back, he's still getting laid with his neighbor and eventually even himself starts dating. Dating again means you have to get to know a whole new person and find out what tugs at their heart strings... do I really want to do that all over and maybe even chance getting hurt? I don't really know what I want but I suppose it being only three weeks since our demise I shouldn't really be thinking about finding someone else. Maybe I haven't really changed as much as I think. It is true though how women will stay even while they're falling out of love and then when the leave they don't really mourn the relationship bc they had already started weeks before.

Maybe I have it all wrong and have no idea what I'm actually talking about. Five years ago I thought I knew exactly what I was doing, little did I know that I was making a big mistake. and yet I still find myself making excuses trying to convince myself that I stayed bc of love. Now I realize that I stayed because I wanted so badly for it to work out, I wanted to be right. That the choice I made was "my path". What I didn't know was that I was about to put myself through a lot of shit just to prove something to myself. but I was a teenager and I suppose all teenagers assume they know what they're doing at that age.

Although there were good times, most of it wasn't. Now thinking back I feel like I got my karma from hurting the person I should've been patient with. I got cheated on, which I deserved. abused emotionally, mentally and physically. I never want to be in a relationship again where we're constantly fighting and saying horrible things. Him leaving bruises on my arms to keep me from leaving the front door and taking my phone away. Constantly going through my phone making it seem like I was hiding something when it was really him. Being told I was starting a fight when really I was just talking about my feelings. Never being heard, never changing in the ways he said he would, apologies that didn't mean shit. There was a time where he wouldn't even let me get out of the car because he knew I would leave and not come back. Thinking about everything I haven't even written about makes me sick that I allowed any of that to happen.

I kept telling myself and people that I was in love and that everything was okay. Most people don't even know everything that happened. But I suppose now is when I'm supposed to "heal" as they say. Do you ever really heal from something like that. Will I always get scared when my partners drink around me wondering if they'll go into a fit of rage and start hitting me. Will I be tempted to check their phone to see if they'd rather watch naked women online than have sex with me.

I don't think I will be like this forever. I'll learn from this experience, make something positive out of this and channel it into my work, whatever that ends up being.

I left. I actually packed up 90% of my stuff and moved back to my parents. I no longer feel nausea as soon as I wake anymore. I think that feeling I had was just a feeling in my gut that I shouldn't be there anymore and I'm glad I listened. He wasn't going to change and I knew that but hope was what was keeping me there. In a way I wish it did work out but now that I see him trying to do better it kind of just makes me feel bitter...why couldn't you do that while I was there?? I'm kind of dreading going back there to get the rest of my books and plants. I should've just taken them. He wants me to go visit him for his birthday and I really don't want to. I just wanna move forward. I deserve to put myself first, so I did just that. Moved out, got a haircut, bought tickets to a concert and now I just have to look for a job while I enroll in school. I made a new playlist that's helping me when I'm overthinking. In a way I feel guilty for leaving him alone, but he was putting himself first and I knew I had to do the same for myself or I'd be stuck there. I feel better but then there are those moments where all I do is analyze everything. We still talk but this morning after another night of bad dreams I wasn't so eager to message him. I really think we're only going to be friends if I'm honest. We both had four years to try and fix what we had and yes some moments were lovely and sweet but there was far more shittier memories and that's what makes me feel like I made the wrong choice. What we had was nice while it lasted but I knew it wouldn't last forever and the next week we would go back to fighting and arguing.

I literally just posted the exact same shit I typed out In January....it's about to be June dude. Nothing has changed in 5 months ....I have to call it unfortunately. I love him but he's not going to change, not for me at least.

There's only a few thousand ways this could go about....I could stay here and see if things work out (like we get an apartment, work better on our relationship, and he starts cleaning after himself and cooking, taking care of himself basically) and omg typing all that out is so crazy to me that i've waited on him for this long yk? but I feel so bad and selfish for wanting to leave. anyways that could totally happen...Then there's if it doesn't change and I'll have to leave where i'll most likely quit my job and move across the country...lol. sounds dramatic but like why the hell not. I have family there anyways. I could move there find a job, go to school for the librarian thing, I could get a car eventually and just do shit on my own or make friends. I feel like throwing up lately, am i pregnant or just sick of this repetition. It's hard leaving someone you've lived with for three years. cause we really know each other. but when am I supposed to do fun stuff???? and yk what i'm not even going to tell him about the first bc if he wanted to he would've remembered and told his boss not to schedule him but i doubt he will. Maybe I should leave it to that yk? if he does it without asking maybe i'll give it a chance and if not and I go all alone then so be it, and i'll leave. I have to take care of myself and not him anymore. I deserve to see so much more than the inside of this city. I am also not going to be dating for a year if i do leave. Relationships or at least only the ones i've been in have not been good. I can be a better person to myself than anyone else.

I decided to stay. I have had plenty of time to clear my head and think about things and well I can't just leave right now with no money and I'd rather die than go to my parents house. So while I'm figuring things out I will just be saving and building my credit some more. I also plan on going back to school since I finally know what I want to do. I'll be reapplying in March and then in April will be my 24th and I'm planning on getting 2 tattoos on my leg maybe even 3. I've been working out at home and I plan on keeping that up as well but holy shit I've been so sore! I think I'll be moving out with or without him eventually, I'm kind of just going to see what plays out will our relationship grow stronger or will he continue to be inconsistent..

I haven't cried today, but it's only 12:16 pm so there's still plenty of time.

Naturalia