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Words & Wordless
winterywitch
i got nothin' cept that dame up in wires
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what did i do to make you so horrible
what happened to you that you wont tell me
i wish one of us were dead but i know that she relies on both of us to entertain her
which makes me hate her too but i cant imagine what the fuck her psyche has been through
living in fear forever it seems like, when she tells me a story
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the love is in vain idk which direction but it is
i hate being on hold
i know its selfish but jesus christ this is so hard this is ridiculously hard
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life so far
my childhood dream was to be a pop star
i loved more than anything singing in the car and i started writing songs when i was 12.
i was nervous but i set up a stage in my parents bedroom and asked them to watch but they never did and when i would sing karaoke, they told me to quiet down from the other room so that they could play video games or watch movies.
but anyone who ever heard me singing in choir or in the car complimented me, and my mom did pay for lessons for two years in high school even though I’m sure she couldn’t afford them.
i was introduced into electronic music production in high school, and was proud of my work, and did well in class. i’m still writing songs in my room with a guitar that my uncle gave me, though i dont know how to play it.
from 4th grade until my senior year of highschool, my parents were separated. I didnt care about eating cheap eggs and bread and frozen food everyday. i didnt care about watching trash tv and wearing thin clothes that ripped easily. this is normal. i cared that i saw explicit images in places that were supposed to be safe, that i was around immature men fifteen years older than me, that my mother was helplessly depressed, that my father drank to much.
i escaped as soon as i could to hang out with other random teenagers to do anything. i came home in the middle of the night and smoked weed all the time anywhere, which i was completely not allowed to do. so one intense incident happens and im still unpacking it almost 10 years later, but i know it isnt even that bad when you consider everyone in the whole world.
i went to rutgers new brunswick for an undecided degree, fell in love with the first person who loved music, looked nice, and talked to me. he was too afraid to comit to me but i’m an intense and clingy person in a relationship, and i didn’t get along with his friends much because im horrible at meeting new people.
my heart was broken but i decided that i would eventually transfer into the art department at rutgers to study music or acting or both. then i decided that an art history degree would give me the information i wanted and the piece of paper to make it worth it. then an old friend told me i could live like a television show and move to new york city without a degree.
i met someone who i thought would only be a friend but who opened my eyes to a world of possibilities. i hung around him more because of the things he showed me, and the way he looked at me, and the way i felt safe and far away from my life before. i told him about my dreams and my traumas and he seemed to fall more in love with me and i had cocoons and cocoons of butterflies weeks after week falling again and again and deeper and deeper.
we live in new york, he gets me a job, i get fired, i get another job. we travel around europe from time to time for concerts and art shows. I make an EP, do three shows in three years, score two short films of his, and make one music video. I am proud but i never took the time to network or gain an audience. my impatience and depression inhibit me completely. i am uneducated and overweight.
i wonder what would have happened to me if i stayed in school. i wonder, did this person save my life? did i waste my potential by being in love? is it all the same because i never really made a decision for myself and never acted out of courage? i guess i chose to drop out of school....
now i live with my parents in NJ because both of our depression and anxiety grew to an uncontrollable mass, convincing us that the city is dead or evil or both. he has to take care of his family and i need to start my own life without any of the guidance that i had before. no school, no person that really knew me and the world i saw, to see me every day anymore.
I try to find a community online and i find one, but still feel inferior, but still drink in their opinions of the world. i read books and occasionally press buttons on my computer to make cheap sounds and push out sounds from inside of myself like a meditative chant.
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ana mendieta: el ritual, el entierro sin cuerpo? para el final
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my head says no but my heart is melting when i look at you
i want to feel your warmth
i want to know its mine forever
i thought that my heart was broken
but you put it together
my body is an object and means nothing to me
i felt an emotion that led me
to believe that it meant a lot to you
i would give all of my flesh to know that i was saved by you
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Postage stamp art by Slovenian artist Rudi Španzel (1995).
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you
bad: exhausted/easily annoyed
good: morals, carelessness, smart
me
bad: sensitive, insensitive rage
good: fun, ?
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I thought I was preparing for something greater than myself
something greater at all
I thought my mind was a seed, and it still is
the nothing that is happening is better than the everything that was supposed to happen to me in my movie
how i dont think of hunger pleases me
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Otto Piene (German: 1928-2014), Waves, 1975. Oil and soot on canvas.
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Francis Bacon (UK 1909-1992)
Oedipus and the Sphinx (1983)
Lithograph (128 × 90 cm)
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