sunriseintropicisle
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We all self-conscious. I'm just the first to admit it.
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THR Money
Menjelang idul fitri tahun ini, di Twitter lagi rame ngebahas tentang kultur-kultur idul fitri. Salah satu yang menarik banget buat gue adalah diskursus mengenai THR, yang bikin gue jadi looking back dan mikir panjang (dan emang panjang banget kalo nge flash back dari umur 5 tahun-an gitu?) so I decided to write a post about it. Nggak lain hanya untuk pengingat diri sendiri aja, karena sepertinya ini salah satu value yang diajarkan orang tua gue.
Pertama-tama, liat tweet di atas ini dan replies-nya seru banget. Ternyata banyak banget hal yang nggak keekspos buat gue tentang keluarga hahaha. Gue kan memang hidup dalam bubbles, jadi dengan adanya Twitter ini sering kali sangat membuka cakrawala gue loh. Salah satunya, gue baru tau kalo orang-orang itu segitunya kalo minta uang ke orang lain. Bener-bener rasanya Alhamdulillah karena sejauh yang gue inget, gue nggak pernah deket sama orang-orang yang selalu mengharapkan THR dari gue.
Flash back dari kecil, gue kalo lebaran cuma di keluarga dari sisi Ayah aja. Lokasinya di Jakarta. Ayah gue bersepupu 5 orang, dan beliau anak pertama. Alhamdulillah eyang gue dari sisi Ayah masih lengkap, ada Eyang perempuan dan laki-laki (Insya Allah pun sampai tahun ini kita masih bisa berlebaran bersama, di umur Eyang yang udah 89 dan 85 tahun). Nah pas gue mencoba inget, emang tradisi THR dimana keluarga yang lebih tua bagi-bagi ke keluarga yang lebih muda itu udah lama nggak ada. Tepatnya, gue cuma bisa recall beberapa kali lebaran – mungkin 1 dan 2 kali dimana gue dapet uang dari beberapa orang gitu, yang mana kita baris terus om dan tante ngasih amplop buat kita. Tapi sisanya selama gue tumbuh nggak pernah merasakan itu lagi.
Jadi, gue mungkin nggak familiar sama THR ya karena gue nggak biasa dapet THR. Oh iya, biasanya dari keluarga gue yang ngasih THR cuma eyang gue, jadi setiap lebaran cuma dapet 1 amplop aja.
Nah kalo nggak salah mulai lebaran tahun lalu, atau 2 tahun lalu gue tuh nggak dapet amplop, tapi sodara-sodara gue masih dapet. Gue udah umur 26-an ya ini, btw. Terus gue sempet bilang ke Ayah gue, setengah bercanda, tapi setengah kecewa, “yahh, mana nih punyaku”, dan disitu Ayah gue negur gue karena gue ‘ngarepin’ sesuatu dari orang lain. Apalagi yang bentuknya secara materi. Kayaknya gue sekarang nulis ini masih ada rasa malu deh karena gue pernah berpikiran kaya gitu!
Sebenernya sebelumnya (over the course of the year) kalo gue nggak dikasih sesuatu (sama Eyang gue) yang biasanya gue dapet e.g. THR, hadiah pas ulang tahun, gue akan wondering (tapi ke orang tua gue) kok gue ga dapet ya – terus orang tua gue akan negur gue untuk nggak boleh ngarepin yang condong ke minta – walaupun gue ga pernah minta ya, tapi lebih ke ngerasa entitled untuk dapet sesuatu just because it is a ‘tradition’. Which sebenernya teguran-teguran ini sepertinya unconsciously jadi compass dalam hidup gue deh.
Orang tua gue selalu ngingetin jangan minta ke orang lain hal-hal seperti materi/barang, oleh-oleh, ditraktir, dan lainnya. Intinya gue diajarin kalo kita harus self-sufficient. Kalo memang sesuatu yang kita mau belum bisa kita beli, ya nabung. Atau emang kalau harganya mahal yang nggak sampe kegapai, ya berarti kita nggak bisa beli barang tersebut dan nggak usah maksain.
Rasanya hidup gue tuh mudah dengan gue megang nilai seperti ini karena Alhamdulillah, gue baru sadar gue bukan orang yang suka maksain beli barang yang di luar kemampuan gue. Gue pun jadi nggak pernah berharap untuk dapet sesuatu dari orang lain, be it hadiah ulang tahun, atau hadiah lainnya. Kalau memang nggak dikasih, ya biarin aja, kalau dikasih ya bilang makasih – dan sebisa mungkin membalasnya, dalam apapun bentuk dan nilainya, just to mere express our gratitude that they are counting us.
Tulisan ini adalah untuk gue sebagai refleksi pelajaran dalam hidup gue, dan mungkin nilai yang akan gue tanamin juga ke anak-anak gue kelak. Semoga mereka bisa selalu self-sufficient dan jadi orang yang bersahaja.
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...to write again?
Pertama-tama dan yang paling utama, seneng menenmukan tweet ini yang bikin gue langsung bergegas buka blog.
Sebenernya minggu ini udah mulai mikir sih mau nulis blog lagi (kebohongan apa lagi ini? Lol) tapi tweet di atas bikin gue langsung bener-bener buka laptop di hari Sabtu pagi, lalu blogwalking ke blog orang-orang yang menurut gue sangat berani mengeshare alamat blognya untuk dibaca khalayak. Gue jadi berpikir, inikah saatnya aku…?
Anyways, yang paling utama dari kebingungan gue setiap mau ngeblog adalah, gue ngeblog style-nya kaya gimana ya? Apakah santai kaya cerita ke temen, formal kaya ke audiens, atau nulis dalam bahasa Inggris kaya lagi nulis diary? Jujur perkara ini sering banget bikin gue maju mundur ngeblog.
Gue sendiri kalo ngomong di kehidupan nyata bukan orang yang selalu pake gue – lo sebagai kata sapaan; tapi untuk ngomong saya menurut gue kesannya formal banget (berhubung pekerjaan gue sering menulis dokumen legal yang bahasanya formal, kalau gue udah menggunakan kata ‘saya’ pasti terusannya bahasa gue akan formal banget kaya mau nulis legal opini lol), jadi selama ini ngerasa paling nyaman nulis pake bahasa Inggris. Haha. Tapi emang ada juga si rasanya proses yang jauh lebih kompleks kalo nulis bahasa Inggris karena harus mikirin grammar, kalimat pengulang yang nggak bikin bosen, kata ganti yang lebih shopisticated (jujur bawaan kerjaan juga yang membuat ku begini).
Untuk sekarang pengen let it flow aja deh, yang penting mau coba nulis blog lagi DAN pengen coba buat ikut komunitas blog yang mewajibkan untuk post setiap minggunya 1 tulisan – wow sebuah komitmen besar untukku. Bisa gak ya?
Bisa (Amin.)
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Quick thought
People always want to be special for someone.
Maybe sure, I do, but most importantly I want to make myself to feel special of me.
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A reflection of one month offs
Around these days is the mark of me signing out from the social media for a month. It is quite notable and worth celebrating for myself, but above all I need to reflect on what the time off has given me.
For the background, previously the social media that I actively using were Twitter and Instagram. Yes, it is not the real Insta, but I have a spare account of Instagram that allows me to look something that I really enjoy — and I do have a lot of restriction on this Instagram, in order to pursuing my stress-free social media (among of them being not following people that I know, always declutter the following of maximum 100 account, and blablablah). And for the Twitter itself, my account is very limited to the people that I know (thumb rule being the person that follow me should be the one I have, at some point in life, talked to directly). Also I use Facebook and Youtube. In this hiatus, I do not count Facebook and Youtube as for me those does not causing me stress as much as Twitter and Instagram did.
It was on Friday that I think, I was panicking. It came to me so suddenly and resulting me having a short of breath while I cried. I cried previously, yes, but I have never had my breath shorted like that. I felt miserable. It was the result of a week seeing bad news of Covid 19 and people on social media being people on social media, commenting of all the things they can, with the holier than thou attitude. Ah, for this matter plus seeing LinkedIn and seeing friends have new jobs or have the anniversary of jobs, while I am currently very questioning what I am doing.
I have always wanted to take the time off of Twitter, but never seemed to successfully done it. Until the afternoon of that Friday, I think I really need to spare it for myself, so I logged out my Twitter and deleted the Finstagram — and for the whole weekend I went MIA, not replying to any messages (which were not many either). That weekend I came out feeling much better and getting used to carry on the day without checking Twitter and Instagram, until this day.
Thank God I did not have the urge, I do not think of any joy left (at least for the moment) in knowing the thought of my friends. There are times though, where I, ever slightly tempted to log in back to my Twitter just to know, but then, I thought of those stressing days, and I refused.
Overall, having to go through my day without knowing what people are doing is beyond great. People always ask though, to me, how can I live not knowing what people are doing? It just.. you don’t know what you don’t know. And for the perspective, I don’t feel like we always have to know about people’s birthday, big events and what not, let alone to know the details of their daily routine. My main personal reason is because I can’t handle that, really. I can’t help finding myself comparing what other people’s life to my life, which, when I do not have to compare them to, is great — simple as always but I feel content.
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Can’t stop shopping for scented candles. EOs. Perfume.
I really have problem with everything that smells good. Whelp me.
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HUJI photo dump
I was just cleaning up my phone and transferring and deleting photos on my phone to make it tidier and freed the space, and I bumped into the HUJI folder in my gallery, which consist of pretty random image from the past 2 years. I occasionally take photos with HUJI as it has the enhancing effect and somewhat make the images looks better than my actual phone camera. So here are some photos I’ve categorized to the event they are in. One of the way to remember how the pre-Covid life looks like to us—as at this point, 1,5 years in, we honestly starting to forget, right?
Fig. 1 — the latest quarantine activities.
Clockwise: (1) Newly opened TUKU store in Rawamangun; (2) Jigsaw puzzle as my latest obsession; (3) Writing journal that has helped me through growing up life; (4) Perfectly made ramen noodle as the complimentary for my home made ramen dish.
Fig. 2 — home made food in the early of quarantine
Well it was when we were still excited on what the quarantine have in store for us, the newly-shifted lifestyle, where everyone suddenly became the expert in cooking (me inclued).
PS. After awhile I got weary and no one at home eat my food.
Clockwise: (1) The DoubleTree’s cookies that made its entrance to became one of the popular bakes during quarantine; (2) Croutons and bread pudding I made from the leftover white bread; (3) Nachos and its queso dip my mom made (and store for our snacking amenities for weeks); (4) Banana bread and muffin with oat crumbs on top.
Fig. 3 — foods I enjoyed pre-Covid
Well, these are the photos taken before Covid so of course I can only star at the picture of these now that we shall not get together with fellas.
Clockwise: (1) Some platter foods from everyone’s favorite humble restaurant Toodz House; (2) the famous, all over the world Swedish Meatball from IKEA; (3) Complimentary Starbucks drink on Wednesday where I usually treat myself of any food/beverage PLUS my religious solitude time; (4) my one last hang out karaoke in the Korean restaurant celebrating the closing of on of our project—loved the Korean chicken so much, duh, of course.
Fig. 3 — Japan Trip in 2019
Me and friends’ impulsive trip to Japan where we booked the ticket during our lunch time because there was a sale flight, we got really cheap price for our flight to Japan, only realizing close to the D-Day that everything else is expensive (Ha!). Nonetheless, I guess I would not land my feet in Japan had it not because of our impulsiveness.
Clockwise: (1) Shinjuku Gyoen Park; (2) Our flight in JAL airlines where I just found out that soba taste really good; (3) Full day of bike rides in Kyoto—really love the city, and the decision to stroll around with bicycle was the right decision; (4) Night stroll in Tokyo.
I did not remember much about this Japan trip. We went there with very little plan and as basically we four are not the person whose into anything ‘hype’ so I don’t remember us strolling on a really touristy place. We did not eat in the famous eatery either, and nor did we take lots of picture. (lol so what was the point of the trip? Just chill I might say).
Fig. 4 — PEOPLE
As much as I enjoy my own company, but it is no joke how being mostly on my own really take a toll on my wellbeing. That being said, I still need people around me, and looking back the above photos, these are some people I befriend with over the years.
Clockwise: (1) My desk mate since the first day I joined my late firm till the day I resigned early this year. We enjoyed talking a LOT and more of gossiping lol; (2) Mila, my kosan friend whom I know since freshmen, we happened to live two rooms away from each other in kosan and that’s where the bond started. To date we still chat occasionally and even we share a Tumblr page (that has been long down); (3) Sending off my partner to study which mark the one year journey of our long distance relationship. PS. Now has been back for almost a year and the LDR part was a relatively easy ride for us, compare to what the following months after he’s back had in store for us 🤪; (4) Another work colleague, this photo taken on the night we went karaoke at Jaya Pub as a farewell to our other friend.
So yeah, it was life before WFH happens, before wearing mask, and before we had to distance ourselves in order to keep us safe. Longing to the day I can dine out and chat with friends again, even throw a hug when we see them (can I believe that I am writing this???).
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Mini Review: Netflix’s Lovestruck in the City
My partner claimed it to be his favorite K-Drama and pressing me to watch it. While I am not a sucker for watching a series (man, talking about the commitment we have to put in!) I watched it anyway because at the time I was idle since my new jigsaw puzzle (the only thing that keeps me busy lately) has not arrived.
Plus, it was only 30 minutes and 1 season. So I give it a go.
Thought
It was an okay watch. I almost stop in the beginning because it does not give the roller coaster and sparks as Startup had. I am not a movie person, but based on my amateur experience, the story was really slow until it reach Episode 10 (being 2/3 of the whole series). But after that, the story made sense in my opinion and the way it unravels was placed in all the right place. Also after things unravel, I can appreciate more of the actress’ acting skill because she is able to show the differences of Lee Eun-O’s character before and after the ‘trigger event’.
In addition to that, I personally held dear the scene in Episode 16 where Rin-yi break up with Kyung-joon because Kyung-joon can not accept Rin-yi ‘s way of life: she only work part time and did not want to go to university (I am not sure the university meant was undergrad or grad level, though). She explains that she feels sufficient of what she has, and that she prefers to have less income but to have more free time.
Are you jabbed? I am.
It just something that has been going on in my internal head—me seeing all these friends held up a career path, which I believe parallel to the increase of their salary, and later on bonuses and facilities. Maybe sometimes I feel envy because I don’t have the defined “success” of what they have, yet I always remind myself that so far I am feeling good actually, and I have no intention, in doing what they are doing... Knowing that it will again, take a toll in my emotions and maybe in a long run, health.
Because maybe all this times, I knew what I want (and it is nothing to do with corporation life, and everything to do with leisure time for me to read a book, listen to podcast, and very recently, of course, play jigsaw puzzle), but at the same time I always make myself rethink that maybe I want the traditional definition of success, because after all, it is easier to be defined and not being overlooked.
It’s very easy to misinterpreting when one say “yeah, I love sitting around in my house” (which what I really do in real life, often just looking at the greens around me) to be lazy. And I think I just don’t have the guts to show myself as a lazy person, even sometimes I mixed it in my head whether the kind of life I am doing or want in a long run is exactly what people’s definition of lazy. Hence maybe I am sugar coating it for myself to ensuring that I want a corporate job. I do, though, but I realize it is only to the extent that having something to work on makes me feel good about myself and accomplished, so far it really solely for myself.
And that’s why I really hit by the episode. I want Rin-yi’s boldness to acclaim that her life’s enough and she is okay to live her own definition of success / what really matters for her.
Other than that, I am so agree with the reason why my partner really love the series: the warm and genuineness that shown in Lee Eun-O and Park Jae-Won’s relationship. It just freeing to see a relationship that show two people who are just love to be with each other (although of course so many questions arose while watching—how can they don’t know each other’s background? How can one extend their holiday for a month? How can Lee Eun-O is still retain that fair skin against all odds that she go on surf every single day?)
But yes, it is only a drama and I am trying so hard for my brain not to party-pooping every good things that come across in my mind, so I tried to accept the things as they are.
Score
All in all it is a ⭐⭐⭐/5 from me. It was not something that will make you jiggling and out of your mind (just like what Startup did to me, hehe), but it can make you feel warm and wholesome.
#mentariwrites#mentaridaily#kdrama#lovestruck in the city#netflix#review#heartfelt#wholesome#quarantine#quarantine and chill
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Things that makes me happier
I gave up posting number in front of my post title, initially it was to mark whether I reach the goal of posting a writing every week, which made me had to post 52 writings for the year of 2021, and by this point I am pretty sure I am not gonna reach that number so yes, we can forget it.
So I personally feel like recently I am in a better state of being, and have lots of idea coming up in my head. While I still religiously write on my handwritten journal, I feel like writing, in case my nonexistent reader would like to know, or give some inspirations. Lol, like who you are.
No, really, I am just really believe in sharing, and I would love to know if my mundane knowledge or experience be insightful even to only one other person. Because I myself found multiple times that a knowledge/sharing that someone posted online impacted me greatly - hence I am just thinking about the other me who may be seeking the things I am about to say/share.
Things that makes me happier are:
Intermittent Fasting
I have been doing IF for 2 weeks now, and yeah, it makes me feel good. I started initially because, duh, like everyone else, I wanted to lose weight. Some might want to kick me in the ass for saying such thing, and assure me that I have normal body and yada yada. And, as straight forward as it is - I just want to be as skinny as possible. Hahaha. Maybe it is something to do with me very sold into the standard beauty, or maybe it’s got to do with something in the past - I was quite cheeky.
However, even though I always say that I want to lose weight, over the years I have never really made the effort. Some days I took it hard some days it just a normal day, me eating this and that and whatnot. But then I have noted the intention of me wanting to be so skinny, on top of those beauty standard I believe have huge impact in me and a quite hard time in the past for being cheeky is because it simply makes me feel lighter, not holding anything within my body. Because for the context and some TMI, I have a not so good digestion, so yeah. There was a period of the time that I often I feel stuffed and bloated - which felt so uncomfortable, that I can’t stand working while sitting because I felt my stomach is getting on my way.
I tried IF a while back, and it worked for me, so now I decided to try it again now. Intention achieved. I believe it was because the time window for eating that pool all the food I eat in a day to be only consumed for certain times (I do 7 hours, my best convenience). I used to eat on times where, looking back, I was not really hungry, you know. Like breakfast - turned out (I don’t know why I forget about this) that I am not a breakfast person. All through high school I don’t remember myself sitting, eating breakfast in my uniform.
But then I just picked up a habit of eating breakfast while my stomach is actually not really ready for it, which end up making me feel bloated that last long all through lunch and pretty much for the day - and then without me knowing the new day has begin, and the cycle starts all over.
So yeah, IF had helped me to be to schedule my eating time which made my digestion works better I guess, and no more me having a bloated stomach constantly.
Quitting Social Media
Finally I succeed in cutting myself with social media. This, I also had tried in the beginning of the pandemic I guess - went on without social media for weeks and at that time I really felt the benefit and all, until I came back to social media and can not disconnect ever since. Even though I have been wanting to detox myself, but at the same time I felt really dependent on it.
It took me one lows moment of life to finally be able to went cold turkey about disconnecting. It was when I felt frustrated on Twitter news where every day it seems like there were a bad news - people died, people lost jobs, people complaining, the news about our incompetent and corrupt government and so on. Without me realizing, it took a toll on myself. Other than that was me who checking in Linkedin constantly at the time and seeing my friends’ profile whose climbing up the corporate ladder, while I was unsure and questioning whether I am in the right place (sounds like the problem of these days youth who lives in their own bubble, yeah?).
So one Friday where I had one of my breakdown, I went MIA for the weekend to the people who are close to me, as well as to my social media. It’s only been 2 weeks now, but it is safe to say that I can reclaim myself within these times, suddenly lots of thinking came up to me, as if all these times the bad news maybe somewhat oppress it or something. And, I also feel more certain about what is going on my mind/heart.
I believe quitting social media has its downside as well, as like I really am not having an update on the news (90% of my news source is Twitter - how sad yet could not be truer for most of us), I completely blind on our Covid update I even think that Covid is slowing down in the territory. Yeah, as expected you lose win some as well as you lose some, but for now at leas, I decided to win for myself.
Olympic 2020
I have never watched Olympic before, as far as I remember. Nor that I care about it. But this time is different. I believe the fact that we are on privilege to be in the safety of home have a huge part in me having the opportunity to watch the Olympic - thanks for that. For almost two weeks I was hooked to my TV, even one time I was on my TV from 6am to 10pm and watched all the games they aired.
To have the company to watch was a big advantage as well. As now I have my sibling in the house, I teamed up with my sister to watch the Olympic, we both did not know that we enjoyed it so much that we invested in each game we watched. We cheered for athletics, we scream for badminton, we gasped for weightlifting. It was a very fun experience. For almost two weeks I change my work station in front of the TV and so did my sister.
On top of that, what made Olympic special and very intrigued me was the diversity of the athletes. I guess I just did not exposed to such diversity as it was presented in the Olympic. I was presented with some very foreign countries whose name I hardly heard, or the people whose features were different one another.
Questions like why some sports dominated my a certain race while other sports dominated by others also popped out in my head. And not to mention my awed to each of these Olympian athletes when they perform their sports, I always wonder what it takes for them to be there right now - how many years of training, how much tears were sacrificed and relationships had to be let go. There were just so many elements of the Olympics that made me really drawn and invested in it.
Youtube
Surprise, surprise.
Well, my attraction to Youtube recently was different because of the previous para - Olympic. Because of getting really drawn into the Olympic athlete, I was searching lots of reference videos. And as we all know how we are being spied and we are mere a number for these big tech companies, they get to know me better know and present me with more content that I love (or else I had never discovered).
I am not sure what I searched previously, but Youtube chose that I now an avid cultural researcher, jk. Yeah, I watched a lot about something culture-related on Youtube because it is funny, looking back, I was once really attracted to be a global citizen and what not (what a flavor of youth!!), traveling the world, meeting people from other countries, make impact in the NGO (before long I know the NGOs are mostly funded by big corporations as well, heart breaking reality for me).
What I am saying is that the savvy man-made tech of Youtube has made me rediscover my old interest about culture! And I just actually learn that you can learn a lot from Youtube’s comment section, which debates often open up you to things which are (1) people can comment based on data and have every intention to educate other people; and (2) people more often be ignorant, and how much you are on the right stance, with the wrong people, you can still be, yeah wrong.
Somehow the lesson I gained in the Youtube’s comment section was really grounding to me to realize these polar of people, and in the end what you can do is only simply be you because after all, people really will hold on to their own opinion and belief.
Jigsaw Puzzle
RECCOMENDED 100/100. Damn, wasn’t it a good choice when one day I decided to try out jigsaw puzzle to entertained myself while waiting my partner to reply my chat message?
On the one of the breakdown moment I mentioned I believe that I had to have distraction and I thought of either a puzzle or a coloring book. I ended up buying both, but I am positive that I am more drawn to jigsaw puzzle. I first ordered a 1500 piece puzzle and when it first came, I kind of secretly afraid that I will give up. Also my mother being my mother and she was pessimist that I would finish the puzzle.
But one time I was just playing by myself, not expecting anything or even asked anyone to help me (afraid that I put too much task on other people), yet my sister helped me out, and a while after my mom helped we out as well. Resulting in the puzzle finished in 3 days. Soon after I order new puzzle, and so did my sister. Her order came first and it was a 1000 pieces puzzle, which we finished in 2 hours (boo, it turned out to be too easy), and now we are opening up our 3rd puzzle and tried to work on it.
I am just really happy that I discovered it, it is really great way to bond and filling time. And every time I successfully put the pieces together - that just very satisfying feelings! I believe I will have more and more puzzle to come in the near future.
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I hope one of the thing above will work out for you and make you happier as well as it had affected me. 🤗
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07.27.2021
Love how peaceful the morning is. To see the pinks and greens against the blue in one frame.
Hoping today to go on as beautiful as the morning is.
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#9: Key West
Today turns out to be worst than yesterday? I am surprise... Because the previous days I only feel lonely at night, but today when it is not even noon, I just (honestly I am crying while typing..).
Often times, when I am feeling really down and sad, I tried to recall better days in my life. And that days that I hold dear were always the day on the 24th of January, 2013 and couple days that follows.
By now I honestly forget the feeling, but I always remember myself sitting on the bus thinking that “this feels so good it’s surreal”. I think it was the feeling of the surreal-ness of me being at the bus so far away from home with these 80 other foreign kids, and how we were so alike and really entertained by each other’s presence. I can’t quite explain, but maybe even then I knew that was one of the days that I will hold on dear in my mind for life, days I will revisit when I am feeling down, recalling days that I was really, genuinely, completely blissful.
It was a road trip to Key West, a tiny island off south the Florida. We rode the bus along Florida and picking up guys at every meeting point. I lived in the north part so I was one of the firsts to got on the bus and welcoming people on board. My guess that our trip from the north to south took 6 hours (but when I googled it’s 8-ish actually). Along those hours what we did were singing, laughing, switching sit, and there were the place I met new friends as well.
I brought a sketchbook for people to get to draw and write messages for me and it was packed. One of the ‘masterpiece’ was this picture made by Jan and Gabi:
#YOLO #$WAG and okay one word I can’t say because I just know it was very insensitive to use and offensive. But you see another hashtag on that picture.
To date, I always have a special thing for Key West, as the place itself is beautiful and calming, very touristy... Maybe one day I can visit Key West again.
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Well, okay now that I am taking a break from my reality by recalling memories of my pas days, I feel better. Definitely will post a lot of throwbacks if that helps me getting through loneliness then.
Stay hydrate and stay away from the virus. XO
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#8: the “Assurance,,
2021, phew what (another) year, huh?
First of all, prayers go out to those who are in sick, who are in healthy, who are in hardship, and who are in ease. Prayer goes to all people, after all, I think after what we have been through (and still need to endure) is still a long way. Me myself was not really think that 2021 will be more horrifying than 2020.
Back in 2020, I see people motivate one another, saying that it is okay to barely surviving and not achieving, being creative, or not procuring another milestone at the times like this. At that time when I see those tweet on Twitter, I can’t relate much. I still aim for at that time, a career shift towards the better (uh, but at that time I just really die inside, by working). But what I did not know is that, I was okay and that assurance did not ring a bell in me because I was privilege enough to still have my job, being in the comfort of my house all day long, had a sufficient supply of food and entertainment, and the list went on.
However now, seeing so many death of a relatives, seeing the news on the collapsing of our healthcare system, and how badly our government handle the situation, that assurance seems to have relation in me. As now me myself feel a heavy weight of being awake in the morning, afraid even, of another failure of the whole system as well as in myself. I feel like I just can’t fail myself another day for not achieving.
So here it is, for me, and for whoever needed: I hope you can go through a day safe and sound, and we will try it again tomorrow.
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#7: ANAK CANTIK
Kemarin gue liat postingan seorang ibu di sosial media yang mengepost foto anaknya yang sedang ulang tahun.
Pastinya lihat di kolom komentar, banyak temen-temen ibu yang komentar. Dan hampir semua komentar serupa yaitu kurang lebih:
“Selamat ulangtahun [nama anak] cantik”
“Selamat ulangtahun [nama anak] cantik, semoga jadi kebanggaan orang tua”
Entah kenapa gue jadi mikir, kenapa ya kita accustomed banget untuk bilang seorang anak itu cantik / ganteng. Padahal banyak kata-kata sifat lainnya di luar yang bisa kita asosiasikan dengan anak-anak (dan juga akan menjadi doa untuk anak tersebut tentunya).
Seperti: anak yang gembira, lembut hatinya, periang, cerdas—pasti kan, kita mau anak-anak kita diasosiasikan dengan sifat-sifat baik seperti itu? Iya sih emang aneh denger “Selamat ulang tahun [nama anak] yang lembut hatinya!” tapi itu harusnya nggak membuat doa kita menjadi tidak terkabul untuk anak tersebut kan.
Sebenernya ada pembelaan juga sih, or, well, cara pandang lain untuk menilai ini, yaitu, kalau dari sosial media kan yang keliatan cuma casing luar, jadi mungkin om/tante ragu menilai sesuatu yang nggak kelihatan di foto dan/atau video e.g. kelembutan hati anak ini. Jadi mungkin yang lebih feasible adalah mengutarakan apa yang menjadi fakta (bisa kita lihat, nilai, dan verifikasi sendiri) yang mostly hanya sampai tampilan fisik.
Gue nulis ini sebagai pengingat buat diri gue khususnya, dan mungkin bisa jadi bahan “oh iya juga ya” dan kemudian dieksplor lebih jauh pada masing-masing individu yang membaca. Don’t get too accustomed to things, say what we genuinely want to say. Say our wish out loud.
Bonus: foto waktu kecil. Saat pujian dari orang sebatas ‘cantik’ doang, dan malah membuat gue bertanya-tanya sampe sekarang “emang iya cantik?”
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#6: Greens
This is Gucci’s favorite spot.
Sometimes I come over with him and just see what’s around me. There is no doubt that every time I am in that very spot, I feel serene and just content—I can be in there and nothing else matters. I wish I could retain the image and the feeling forever in my mind.
Feeling thankful.
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#5: Tentang Keputusan yang Diambil di Umur 20
Gue terinspirasi untuk nulis post ini karena kemarin baru ngobrol sama temen. Menurut dia gue konten sama hidup gue.
Hmm, gue mau mengamini tapi kayaknya sombong banget, dan sebenernya nggak sepenuhnya juga bener. Ada kalanya gue berharap lebih dari diri gue, atau hidup gue. Tapi memang gue akui untuk banyak aspek, gue ngerasa konten dengan gue, dan ini adalah sesuatu yang gue usahakan. Dan, kalau narik waktu ke belakang lagi, porsi terbesar menjadi gue sekarang disebabkan dari suatu keputusan yang gue ambil di umur 20-ish.
Jadi, apakah keputusan terbesar yang kamu ambil itu, Mentari?
Pertama-tama, ini bukan keputusan besar yang gimana banget. Tapi gue yang sekarang sangatlah bersyukur karena gue pernah secara sadar memikirkan hal ini dan mengambil sikap (cieh, bahasanya, ini konferensi PBB, po).
Keputusan yang gue ambil waktu itu adalah, gue nggak mau terlalu deket sama orang.
Lah, emang orang-orang mau deket sama lo??
Berawal dari rasa kekecewaan gue terhadap pertemanan. Dulu pas mahasiswa baru, gue banyak temenan sama orang-orang di kampus (aren’t we all?), nggak necessary meluaskan cakrawala pertemanan, cuma gue lumayan suka ngobrol dengan orang ya. Dari banyak orang ini, ada juga beberapa yang menjadi lebih dekat sama gue, yang dikarenakan jadwal kuliah yang sama, kegiatan yang sama, hal-hal semacam itu lah.
Mungkin gue yang ngerasa kepedean juga, tapi ada poin dimana gue ngerasa “oh, ini nih temen-temen gue..”. Mungkin yang gue rasa “temen” tuh kayak gue dan temen-temen SMP/SMA ya, si Syadza, Icha, Tya (may her rest in peace). Definisi temen yang lo deket aja, lo kenal sejarahnya, lo kenal bapak ibunya, lo tau rumahnya dimana, ulang tahunnya udah pasti lo hafal. Selain itu, hubungan lo sama temen itu tanpa ditanya udah organik aja deketnya, saling membantu, saling ada, bisa sharing, cerita..
Oke, disclaimer emang ekspektasi gue tinggi banget ternyata ya untuk seorang “teman” aja.
Singkat cerita lah, dari semua orang yang gue temuin saat kuliah ini, kok gue nggak pernah nemu yang masuk kriteria definisi “temen” gue ini? Gue ngerasa dalam pertemanan gue selalu all out, tapi seperti.. gayung nggak bersambut gitu loh.
Terus konklusi gue bahwa gue tuh terlalu effort dalam pertemanan, padahal ini orang nggak memiliki pandangan kaya gue. (at some point ternyata gue anaknya transaksional banget!)
Dari konklusi itu lah gue mikir, yaudah gue harus bisa berdikari (red: berdiri di kaki sendiri wkwk lol aka mandiri), gue nggak bisa overly attached sama orang lain nih, karena itu akan mengecewakan gue. Expectation kills, lah. Mulai saat itu lah, gue secara sengaja lebih memilih sendiri, karena emang insting pertama adalah jaga jarak sama orang, mikirnya mungkin jangan terlalu dependant sama orang lain.
(Lumayan sebuah fun fact: pas gue ceritain ini ke beberapa temen deket gue, mereka terlihat nggak surprise dan bilang gue emang orangnya kaya gitu dari dulu: sering menarik diri dari pergaulan dan suka menyendiri hahahahaha).
Lalu sampai suatu saat gue iseng deactive Instagram (yang akhirnya nggak bisa balik lagi), semakin jauh ya gue dengan orang-orang. Jadi mungkin sebagai gambaran circle pertemanan gue di titik ini emang kecil banget, mungkin +/- 10 orang. Gue juga nggak tau perkembangan kehidupan temen-temen yang gue kenal, sampe kalau lagi ketemu sama temen-temen gue, yang gue lakukan adalah pinjem hp-nya buat buka Instagram untuk catch up sama kehidupan orang di luar sana.
Walaupun gue cupu dan kuper, tapi upside dari ini semua adalah, gue secara nggak sadar telah menjauhkan diri gue dari masalah. Maaf nih bukannya gue ngerasa holier than thou dan semua orang itu masalah buat gue, cuma dengan banyaknya orang di suatu circle kan harus semakin banyak yang di consider. Gue sering banget denger permasalahan orang-orang yang dimulai dari akun media sosial:
“Masa gue nggak masuk circle friends-nya”
“Gue di hide dari story-nya dia”
“Mereka pergi nggak ngajak gue..”
Gue suka amaze seberapa besar permasalahan di atas ini sampe ngabisin tenaga dan bikin kepikiran buat orang-orang yang mengalaminya. Karena, kalau gue di posisi mereka pasti gue merasakan hal yang sama—sama-sama ngerasa nggak diinclude dalam suatu pertemanan, ngerasa FOMO kalau pada pergi tapi nggak di ajak, dan selalu second guessing kira-kira gue ada salah apa sama orang ini ya?
Gue pun ngerasa dengan gue sudah ambil sikap (again, cie bahasanya..) dulu di awal, keputusan itu bener-bener udah menjaga energi gue dalam lingkup pertemanan yang gue hadapi kedepannya. Sehingga gue pun bisa mengalihkan pikiran ke yang lain, rebahan dengan sepenuh hati misalnya tanpa ada pikiran duh, kok gue di rumah aja, yang lain lagi kumpul-kumpul tapi gue nggak di ajak.
Dan secara keseluruhan mungkin ini yang bikin gue lebih konten menjadi gue, karena dalam mengambil keputusan (kecil ataupun besar) variabel pertimbangannya adalah diri gue sendiri, tanpa memasukkan tentang orang lain dan akibatnya ke mereka.
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#4: Empty
I have been dreading weekends but now that it is here; I am also dying inside, just to realized that I am not ready to face myself alone.
It has been almost a month that I am spent alone in the house. Usually am with my parents are away. It is very safe to say that I am an introvert, who enjoys my own company. But after 11 months now, I am kinda sick of it.
I feel like I can’t stand another weekend by myself. At this rate, I no longer enjoy any books, movies, or any activities. I really need a company at these moments. Yes sure, my partner is always there for me. But further, there is part in me that also wanted a friend.
Too bad, as I have mentioned before, the few people from the very few friends I reached out to are not available. Hmm maybe the younger me will despise those who are not there for me, but the now me know better that people have their own business — and that’s what my friends are doing: minding their own business.
Given the experience of feeling so lonely, I just never, ever, wanted my friends to feel the same way, and if you ever.. Please do reach me.
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#2: Umur 25
Post terakhir yang gue tulis, sepertinya gue ulang tahun ke 25. Mau memulai tulisan ini dengan the cliché “nggak nyangka gue udah umur 25 tahun, dulu gue kira saat gue udah umur 25, I will have everything figure out”. Hehe nope.
Part pertama, gue beneran nggak percaya gue 25. Rasanya gue nggak bisa bedain antara umur 17, 22, dan 25—rasanya semua sama, gue adalah tetep diri gue? Yang beda gue sekarang bekerja, ya, tapi udah hampir 3 tahun-an juga gue bekerja, dapat gaji (alhamdulillah), ketemu orang baru. Part kedua, gue nggak pernah terlalu mikir sih di saat gue 17 atau 20, kalau di umur 25 gue akan udah menemukan jawaban-jawaban dari pertanyaan hidup. Rasanya dari dulu gue nggak punya pertanyaan terlalu besar atau penasaran gimana rasanya jadi orang dewasa, melakukan hal-hal yang dulu belom bisa gue lakuin karena terbatas dengan umur saat itu.
Gue sempat terdiam beberapa saat, saat menulis postingan ini. Bingung sebenernya mau nulis apa disini? Tapi tiba-tiba gue ngechallenge diri gue untuk nggak nge close post ini dan ngelanjutin nulis, tentang apapun.
Niatan pertama buka Tumblr ini karena mau nulis, sih. Hari ini hari Sabtu, kemarin kita libur Imlek, dan kebetulan udah seminggu gue tinggal sendiri di rumah. Sebenenrya udah beberapa kali berada di situasi dimana gue sendiri di rumah, dan apa yang gue rasain adalah kesepian. Yes, you hear it right from me, that, me, the ever introvert even get lonely at some point (of which we could consider my loneliness extracted from almost a year of being at home because of, duh, Covid).
Belakangan ini sering banget ngerasa kesepian. Untuk memulai, gue bukanlah orang yang punya banyak teman dimana-mana, pun nggak ada Covid, lingkaran pertemanan gue sudah (semi) laten paling tidak 6 tahun terakhir. Gue secara sadar sangat selektif berteman saat kuliah (due to very personal reason), tapi setelah gue berbicara sama temen-temen sejak SMP atau SMA, sering kali reaksi mereka kalau gue cerita tentang diri gue yang nggak terlalu banyak berteman ini: “lo banget..” “bukannya dari dulu ya?”. Ok, jadi ternyata dulu gue secara unconsciously selektif juga dalam berteman, tapi saat kuliah jadi consciously selektif. Sepertinya.
Let say, things are not going uphill from there since I decided to delete my Instagram page. Sejak gue hapus Instagram, rasanya gue semakin jauh sama orang-orang yang pernah gue kenal. Walaupun, menurut gue pribadi, punya Instagram pun tidak akan merubah apapun, eh? Karena semua orang sering interaksi di Instagram, thok, tanpa interaksi langsung di dunia nyata, atau bener-bener terlibat dalam suatu percakapan yang melebihi lapisan kulitnya aja. Tapi gue tau yang gue butuhkan adalah dekat di level personal dengan beberapa orang yang matter buat gue.
Tapi ternyata nggak semudah itu, karena itu lah yang gue mau. Bukan orang-orang yang menurut gue matter buat gue itu yang gue mau. Ternyata, menurut mereka, gue nggak matter buat mereka (sob in silence, jk). Gue udah mencoba beberapa kali untuk engage di percakapan sama orang-orang yang pernah lumayan deket sama gue, kadang gue lanjutkan ke tawaran untuk telfonan, sekedar catch up atau sharing-sharing aja... Yang mana, sering banget nggak ditanggapin.
Di ghosting aja gitu. Chat WA-nya nggak di bales, atau DM-nya nggak di bales.
Yea... It sounds so pathetic, my writing and my experience hahaha. But I think some times ago I just have the realization that what you want is not exactly what others want, so when what you and the others’ want collide, that’s good for both of you, and when it doesn’t, at least you tried.
Yeah, at least I am feeling better and feel accompanied a little more after writing this, I hope there’d be someone who reads and feels the same way too (not that I wish you on loneliness, but knowing this experience is not mine only, kind of help me—sorry).
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