World Cup Games 9-11: These Upsets Are Upsetting

Costa Rica vs. Serbia (0-1)

I wouldn’t call this particular game an upset, but this game was a lesson for Keylor Navas and Costa Rica: never underestimate a Slavic team. They have no feelings. I understand this might be difficult to comprehend for Central American team, where passion is everything, but they have to approach playing Eastern European teams like they’re playing a team of Westworld hosts. They are only as good as their programmers.

Kudos to Serbia for capitalizing on their penalty kick opportunity to seal the win. Still some hope for Costa Rica. However, if I was from Costa Rica, I would do whatever I could to go back to sunny beaches and living in a rainforest. Russia sucks; I’m going to enjoy some gallo pinto with my neighbor, who is a tree frog.

Germany vs. Mexico (0-1)

As a resident of Los Angeles, I was routing for Mexico because I value my safety. I never could have conceived this result. Neither did Germany. No one saw this coming, but now we sí se puede. Mexico played like they wanted to be there. Germany played like they deserved to be there. Much like bad al pastor, conceit quietly rots teams from the inside.

Brazil vs. Switzerland (1-1)

This was truly a wakeup call for the seleção. They started out well with a nasty goal from Coutinho, but the Swiss countered and played strong. Many were confused to find out the Swiss could take a side, even for themselves.

We’ve now seen all three major stars - Ronaldo, Messi, and Neymar - draw their opening game of this year’s World Cup. Is this an omen or simply a slow start for these players who all speak weird Spanish? I’ll withhold judgment and simply chalk this up as a situation with all these players opening the group stage on their most difficult match. We shall see.

World Cup Games 5-8: A Great Day to Be a European Team

France vs. Australia (2-1)

I’m going to be honest: I didn’t wake up for this game. I live in Los Angeles, so this match kicked off at 3am my time. I’m sure it was exciting but not nearly as exciting as sleeping. Dear god, sleep is so good. Why did I take on this self-assigned project of covering every World Cup game? Even the major networks have different people to cover each game.

Anyway, there were five penalty kicks awarded between the four games today and two of them were in this match between France and Australia. The first, awarded to Griezmann, came after the ref used VAR (instant replay) technology. Goal line technology was also needed to award Pogba his winning goal in the 81st minute. You’re welcome to argue that France squeezed by and might not be as strong as they claim, but they got the job done and earned the 3 points, which are harder to come by than some would expect.

Argentina vs. Iceland (1-1)

Iceland, the smallest nation to ever qualify for the World Cup, a nation of 330,000 people, proved you can win a soccer match with score of 1-1. How did they do it? They held off the great one, the artist formerly known as Messi. Messy is actually an apt way to describe the Argentinians’ style of play during this game. Although they completed almost 7 times as many passes as the Vikings, they could not get many shots on target or be as creative as they have been qualifying for the tournament in South America.

Agüero scored a phenomenal opening goal in the 19th minute, but Iceland quickly countered with a goal from Finnbogason not 4 minutes later. Argentina only had the edge on Iceland for 4 minutes, which means they were on a relatively even keel for the other 86. Compounded with Halldórsson’s gut-punching save of Messi’s penalty shot, this was a very telling game. Iceland have nothing to lose, and Messi - not so much Argentina, but Messi - has everything to lose in this World Cup.

We also learned that white people only have rhythm as long as it’s with each other. Case in point: that haunting Icelandic clapping chant.

Peru vs. Denmark (0-1)

This one could have gone either way. I like both teams, but neither have strong leaders. Christian Eriksen wore the number 10 for Denmark and has had a great year at Tottenham but his vision didn’t seem present during this game. I felt more leadership from Kasper Schmeichel, or, as I like to think of him, World Cup Simba. However, a lack of vision versus no vision will typically win the day.

It was a tough night for Peru, especially when they missed their penalty kick attempt. We did see Paolo Guerrero join the game in the second half, looking like Latino Mugshot Bae. Hopefully we’ll see him in a more active role in these next two games.

Croatia vs. Nigeria (2-0)

The battle for the World Cup’s Coolest Kit trophy was hard fought, but the checkered Croatians were organized and continued to hammer at the Nigerians in a way that could only be described as “colonial.” The Super Eagles are the youngest team in the tournament, and they are in need of leadership from their veteran captain and former Chelsea midfielder John Obi Mikel. The Nigerian team motto should be: “Help us, Obi John. Your our only hope.” Do they get Star Wars in Nigeria, or just the prequels?

World Cup Games 2-4: Late Heartbreak But Worth the Wait

Egypt vs. Uruguay (0-1)

Uruguay and an Egyptian side sans Salah duked it out this morning, and almost made it not worth waking up at 5am see the action. Cavani and Suarez had a difficult time getting shots on target, and everyone was waiting for Mo Salah to make his World Cup debut. You could hear the Egyptian fans chanting “Praise be Salah” and “As-Salah-Alaikum.” I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure they worshipped Salah in like a religious way.

That debut would have to wait for a few days as Egypt for the better part of 87 minutes held off Uruguay’s advances. The star of the match was not PSG star striker Edinson Cavani or Barcelona striker Luis Suárez; rather, it was the Egyptian keeper Mohamed El-Shenawy, who I’ve come to lovingly call “Gumby.” After parrying shot after shot from Uruguay, it looked as Egypt might begin their World Cup dream with a tie against the favorites.

Those dreams faded as Giménez sunk his header off one of the final corners of the game just minutes before the game’s end. Fret not, because Egypt are not done yet. They stood strong against a more skilled and experienced Uruguay, all without their star player, and that speaks volumes about their desire to remain in this tournament.

Let’s also be glad Suárez didn’t bite anybody.

Morocco vs. Iran (0-1)

Heartbreak again reared it’s ugly head for Morocco in the final minutes of stoppage time as Iran tested the North African defense with a final cross that led to this tournament’s first own goal. In Los Angeles where I live the passion was palpable. I don’t know what was deeper, the Iranian backline or all the V-necks people wore in the bar where I watched the game.

Considering who Morocco and Iran have to face next in their group stage matches (Portugal and Spain), this was the game that mattered for these two sides. This game was for third place and for pride. And it appears now that Morocco will have to go back to having pride in their Instagram videos where barbers give them fade haircuts.

Portugal vs. Spain (3-3)

For some this game marked the true beginning of the World Cup: two veteran teams with star power playing beautiful soccer. And these teams delivered. This game was very much like the NBA finals between the Warriors and the Cavaliers. Spain, much the Warriors, returned to their tiki-taka ways, connecting short and long passes and scoring three glorious goals. But they could not stop Cristiano Ronaldo, the LeBron James of soccer, and those 10 other guys whose names I can’t remember.

This draw does not affect these two teams greatly as they will likely both win their next two games and move on to the Round of 16, but now they must focus on scoring as many goals as possible against Morocco and Iran to ensure they win the group on goal differential to secure an (ideally) easier game in the knockout stage. Look forward to 4 more amazing shoot-out in the coming week.

Most importantly, let’s all take a screenshot of our World Cup tables, because right now, and only right now, Iran is leading Group B. Take a blurry picture, because much like Bigfoot, this will disappear quickly and without proof, no one will believe you.

World Cup Game 1: Russia vs. Saudi Arabia (5-0)

The World Cup began in Moscow today with one of the most exciting underwhelming debut matches in the tournament’s history. A layperson - and by “layperson” I mean “American” - might look at these two teams and ask, “Why should I care?” Sure Russia and Saudi Arabia are the two lowest ranked teams in the World Cup, but think of it this way: this may be the first and only time it is appropriate as an American to root for Saudi Arabia. When else has the country that allowed women to drive two weeks ago been considered the lesser evil?

But Russia would not be deterred, especially not with Putin watching. I mean, he’s technically always watching, but today he was really watching. The Russians mounted strong, consistent attack, with Gazinsky scoring early in the 12th minute. However, this strong attack strategy proved to be too much for star midfielder Alan Dzagoev, who had to leave the field with a hamstring injury. Even more surprising, I thought Dzagoev was in his late 30’s; turns out he’s only 27. He just looks terrible.

That hamstring injury proved to not be an issue for the Russians as they ended up scoring 4 more goals, pummeling the Saudi Arabians. We now know Russia’s good at hacking two things: Facebook and the Saudi defense. I haven’t seen Putin this excited since, I don’t know, November 2016 for no particular reason.

Stars of today’s game were the super subs Denis Cheryshev and Artem Dzyuba, scoring 3 goals to seal this hopefully not rigged first game to make the Russians look good. Russian goalkeeper Akinfeev was not tested much at all, but he most certainly will be against Egypt and Uruguay, who are the favorites to advance out of Group A.

I’m going to chalk this game up as a great confidence booster for the host nation that will likely fizzle. They’re a fine team, but I don’t envision more victories for Putin than this one. As for the Green Eagles of Saudi Arabia, maybe they should change their name to the Maltese Falcons. If anyone in Moscow needs a ride after the game, the Saudi players will be driving Uber.

A Year in Review: The 2015 Issue

As this year draws to a close, it's time to be basic and reflect on a year gone by publicly on social media. 2015 genuinely has been a whirlwind of a year for everyone, but since I'm an American millennial, this - like everything else - is going to be largely about me. Here we go. I began the year finishing up a long writing project for CBS that would soon culminate into the 2015 CBS Diversity Showcase. After months of writing and rewriting sketches in a basement on the Radford Lot in Studio City with 40 other writers and 21 actors, the powers at CBS picked a handful of sketches to be rehearsed in the theater in North Hollywood where we would present the show. 2 of those sketches had my name on them: one my baby, the other a socially relevant sketch about racial relations and police brutality that I punched up. After several rehearsals in the theater, they killed my baby. But they kept the other sketch and gave it a good spot in the lineup of the show. I remember overhearing one of the execs from CBS say, "This is the most important sketch in the show; it needs to go up in the first third." I got a writing credit from this showcase, but more importantly, I learned that my writing is important and must be shared. Not long after the showcase, I ended a relationship with a woman I had been seeing for about six months. Our time together ended rather tumultuously and I was left on a less than stable emotional foundation. For the first time in my life, I sought counseling. After some searching, I found a therapist I liked and haven't looked back. It has been one of the best choices I've made this year, or any other year frankly. My therapist has helped me reckon with the decisions I've made and make peace with them. Sometimes she just listens as I talk out a problem until I find the solution on my own. Through all of it, she has been a calming presence in my life and I'd like to thank her here even though she is not on any social media. Probably for the best. Over the summer I performed on my own self-booked tour, which I very seriously referred to as "The Big Boy Tour." The tour took me to 6 different cities between Portland and San Diego and was a great success, both creatively and financially. Mostly creatively. Okay, maybe only creatively. Thanks again to everyone, friends and family alike, who put me up in their homes so that I could tell jokes about pandas to strangers. Your hospitality was nothing short of saintly. This was my best year yet as a stand-up. I've never written or performed more in any other year than 2015. I also made more money from performing than any other year. It's not much, but it's enough to live on, if I only plan to live for 3 months. But hey, it's progress. The coolest thing I got to do in stand-up this year was the San Francisco International Comedy Competition. Stand-up competitions are usually not a great way to measure talent, but I did well in this one so I'm going to speak well of it. What can I say? I got to perform in front of the biggest crowds I've ever played to and won some prize money. Not bad, eh? Well, I fell terribly ill almost immediately after the competition was over (perhaps I should try to sleep a little while on the road). I learned many things from doing the competition, 12 shows in total, but the greatest lesson I learned was how to deliver. That's what any competition asks of it's participants: can you deliver? Well, can you? This time, I did. As I write this in my hotel room in Rome, which is a beautiful city aside from all the Italians, I wonder, "Just how self-serving is all this?" Extremely, but I do think it's important to mark your progress. We all make resolutions. None of us keep them. But we do make progress in ways we don't expect, and that's important to keep in the record books too. Here's to more unforeseen progress in 2016, everybody.

Pot Cookies & Saying Yes

Let me tell you about a time I ingested marijuana.

If that first sentence didn’t give it away, I’m not that familiar with drugs or drug culture. Maybe it’s because I was born in San Francisco, grew up near Oakland, and went to college in Berkeley. The Bay Area is so pro-pot that the thought of smoking pot never really seemed appealing. It’s like growing up with hippie parents. Sure they seem like fun to be around, but they’re your parents. You’re around them so much; you’re bound to rebel and go the other way. I think that’s what I did with pot. That is, until this past year.

In April of last year, I was down in San Diego performing. After the Friday shows, my friends and I decided to go to a local bar.

There I met a lady, Maddie, who was 30, several years older than me. I like older women, mostly because at my current age of 23, that’s most of the women that I’m legally allowed to have sex with. Maddie was cute, sexy, vivacious, a real ball of feminine energy. She and I really hit it off. We must have danced for hours. As the bar was closing and my friends and I were leaving, I invited Maddie to come to the shows at the club the following night. Saturday night came and so did she. We talked after the late show.

She asked me, “So, what do you want to do now?”

I replied, “Well, we could go to my hotel room, but I’m staying with three other comedians, so it’s not so much a hotel room as it is a small petting zoo. Why don’t we go back to your place?”

We decided on her place.

Now, to give you some context as to what was happening in my life at the time, I had just ended a long relationship and was saying “yes” to more things, which is a very powerful feeling. I was saying “yes” to going to a bar after the Friday shows when I could have gone back to the hotel. I was saying “yes” to dancing with and talking to Maddie. And now I was saying “yes” to letting her whisk me off to her home.

I didn’t know when I went to her place that I was going to meet her mother. But I did, because she was living with her mother.

She called it “being in a transitional phase;” I called it “inexcusable.” The only people who can be in a transitional phase are comedians, college graduates, and recovering drug addicts. Since I’m two of those things, I’m in the clear. At 30, you should have some things figured out, like a living situation that does not include your mother.

She wasn’t just living with her mother; she was also living with a male roommate who was not related to either of them. So let’s recap. It was: her, Mom, and Random Guy. There’s a terrible sitcom being played out in suburban San Diego right now. Let’s go back to that set.

We got to talking, getting to know each other more. Maddie asked me if I wanted to smoke some pot. I said no, but I did enjoy edibles. She got excited and proudly touted her cooking prowess. She had just baked a batch of cookies. They weren’t too strong, but they were fresh. She asked me if I wanted to have an edible. I’m saying “yes” to more things; let’s have an edible.

We each had our own cookie and continued talking. After about an hour, the conversation steered back around to pot.

She asked, “So, do you smoke pot often?”

I said, “Not really. I just tried pot for the first time a few months ago.”

Maddie’s mood changed. I watched the life leave her face. She said, “Oh…well…listen. When I said that these cookies aren’t strong, I’m usually talking to stoners. You know, people who smoke pot every day. So, this may come on a little stronger than you think.”

For those of you following along, this is about an hour after I’ve eaten the pot cookie. If you’ve had an edible, you know that that’s about the amount of time it takes for the pot to permeate through your system. I could feel my body turning into electricity and Jello at the same time.

But the worst thing to add to a total body high is fear. Fear spreads through your body a lot faster than pot ever will. I felt the fear coursing through my body as everything was going into slow motion.

I said, “Wait…wait…wait…get the cookie out.”

That’s the only solution I could think of with my newly high brain: get the cookie out. But there was no getting the cookie out. I was very worried. Maybe I had said “yes” to too many things.

Maddie calmed me down. We moved into another room, a warmer room I remember. She turned on some music – I want to say Otis Redding – which calmed me down. We started dancing some more, the way we did the night before when we met, but closer. We started making out.

I have to say she was a terrible kisser. It started out alright, but as things got hotter and heavier, there were a lot of teeth involved. Again, this is not how things should be when you’re 30. You should have figured this out half a lifetime ago.

But we kept going. Maybe if I said “yes” enough, it would make the situation better. In the midst of our violent frolicking in our altered states, we came to a fork in the road: we were either going to have sex or fall asleep for 12 hours. We were both quite aware of this crossroads, but considering we were in her room in her house, she felt obligated to speak up.

“I just want you to know that I really like you, but I don’t think I want to have sex with you tonight.”

I guess you can’t say “yes” forever.

Now I’ve been told I have an old soul. I don’t know exactly what that means, but as far as I can gather, that means that I feel comfortable in cardigan sweaters and enjoy a good soup. I’m essentially a 65-year-old man on the inside. However, I’m still living in the body of a 23-year-old, with 23-year-old desires. When she said that sex might not be the best course of action, my 65-year-old brain was thinking: “Good idea. We’re both really high and probably shouldn’t be making rash decisions like having sex. Plus, if she’s this bad at kissing, I can’t imagine what sex is like.” That’s what I said in my head.

My 23-year-old body did not agree. It was saying: “Wait, why aren’t we having sex? I’ve been saying ‘yes’ to all these things so that I could have sex with a stranger and get over my ex-girlfriend. And now you’re telling me we’re not gonna do it?!”

My mind and body were arguing. But I did need to form a response so that she wasn’t left hanging. Eventually they came together and out of my mouth came the words, “Are you sure?”

She was starting to appear more sleepy than sexual. “Yeah, I think so. I’m just too high.”

I didn’t know you could be too high to fuck. My body was very disappointed. We both fell asleep in her bed.

Before she whisked me away, Maddie asked me when I needed to be back at my hotel the next day. I told her that I had to check out at noon and should probably be back by 10:30 to pack.

I woke up the next day at 12:15pm to my phone vibrating violently on her nightstand. I gathered my senses and answered. It was Danny, one of the comedians I had traveled with from L.A.

All he said was: “Hey. Where are you? We’re leaving.”

The room came back into focus as I heard him over the phone. I saw that I was alone in what I thought was Maddie’s room, but the room did not look like the room of a 30-year-old woman. As I lay in a mess of bright pink sheets and dozens of stuffed animals, I felt like I was in the bedroom of an 11-year old girl. Was Maddie just childish or emotionally stunted? And where the hell was she? I had to go find her. This was turning into a horror movie way too quickly. I wanted to tell Danny where I was or how we were going to meet up, but all that came out was: “Tell the hotel to wait for me!”

I ran through Maddie’s house. It appeared empty. No Maddie. No mom. No random guy. Where was everyone? This really did feel like a horror movie, except in this one I was trying to find the woman who lured me into this mess. I had not planned to be stranded in a house in suburban San Diego on a Sunday.

I stumbled into the kitchen, and there was Maddie, just reading the newspaper and drinking coffee.

She turned to me, smiling. “You looked so cute sleeping. I didn’t want to wake you.” Apparently she had forgotten our arrangement involving me leaving.

I was frustrated but trying to be polite. “We need to leave now.”

We drove back to the hotel in silence. When we arrived Maddie turned to me to tell me that she had a good time and would like to see me again the next time I was in San Diego. I mumbled something along the lines of, “Sure, I’ll call you,” certain that there wouldn’t be a next time. She leaned in for a goodbye kiss. I had been licking my gum wounds after last night’s gnashing the whole car ride over and did not need to add to the laceration count. I gave her a quick peck to say thanks but no thanks. I can only say “yes” so many times.

I uploaded a @YouTube video http://t.co/EGOw6CL8 Stuart Thompson at Cobb's Comedy Club

Wait, where'd he get a battle-ax? Oh, I'm sorry. I asked a question about Transformers 3. #mentallapse #pleasehelp

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Had a great time @CobbsComedyClub. Thanks to Molly for having me. Well done to all the comics on the show!

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