stripesofbrooklyn
Could Do This All Day
Indie Captain America.
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thisisderric
This is Derric, aka @iPodschun.
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"We're not all that different Rocket if you think about it. As a young kid I spent a lot of time in doctors offices, they did a lot of work trying to get me well but there was some poking and prodding and well there wasn't always the best intentions either. Once they decided I was invalid they made me sterile. It was the late 20s early thirties and they didn't want another sickly kid."
He paused looking at Rocket and shaking his head. "You know the thing about being a puzzle? Sometimes you can ask for help to find the missing piece. Puzzles are usually best worked on with others."
He was feeling something in himself. Trying to be a mentor to Rocket in a way that many had tried to be to him.
"Maybe that's why I relate to you so much, we're not so different I mean. And I can understand what it's like to be scared. I have been afraid to be alone or be left behind before too."
He placed a hand on Rocket's hands. "But you know the first step is always admitting you're afraid."
Steve's words resonated with him more than he cared to admit. Rocket nodded slowly, looking down at his feet. "Thanks, Captain," he muttered, avoiding eye contact. "I… I guess I could work on expressing myself better."
Eyes narrowing slightly, he listened to Steve's words. He didn't like being told what he felt or needed, but at the same time, there was something about Steve's tone that made him feel…seen. Like Steve really did understand him, and wasn't just trying to fix him.
"I guess I never thought about it that way," he said again, his voice a little softer. "But yeah, my background…it's hard to shake off sometimes. I grew up in a lab…experimented on since I was… well, since I can remember. They were always poking, prodding me, pulling parts off me, sticking bits where they didn't belong… experimenting with genetic manipulation, augmentation. So, yes, it's easier for me to feel nothing and not care."
He leaned in a little, his voice dropping to a whisper. "You know, I've been thinking about all this a lot lately. About who I am, and why I am the way I am. And I think…I think I might be starting to figure some things out... about why I guard my feelings better than my guns."
He brushed the self-consciousness away quickly, wishing Steve wouldn't see his vulnerability as weak or pathetic. After all, he had seen him open himself up sometimes – showing his fears, doubts, regrets. It only made him respect him more if anything.
He glanced up at Steve, his eyes searching for something, ad yet, his heart felt heavy as he heard the man tell him that he believed in him, like he was experiencing the weight of not being able to do something that sounded so simple.
"I've tried, Steve. I've tried so hard to believe in myself, but it's hard when you're constantly reminded that you're nothing more than a creation, a machine. A thing."
He looked down at his hands, flexing his fingers absent-mindedly as he struggled to find the right words. "It's like… I'm a puzzle, and someone else put all the pieces together. But I'm still missing a piece. A big one. And I don't know how to find it, or what it even looks like." He shook his head, trying to clear the fog of emotions clouding his thoughts.
Steve's words about being emotionally stifled resonated with Rocket. He had been conditioned to suppress his feelings, to focus on his work and nothing else. But as he spent more time with the people, he found himself opening up more and more. It was both terrifying and exhilarating, like walking on a tightrope without a net.
Rocket's eyes dropped, and he fidgeted with his hands, feeling a mix of emotions wash over him. "I'm scared, Steve. I'm scared of being hurt, of being rejected, of being abandoned. And I don't know how to overcome that fear."
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"Knowing you it will be."
It will be so difficult
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"I'm not sure how you will manage."
Not particularly
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"You really think you can do that?"
Not particularly
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"No telling me how to build my fort the Tony Stark way."
Not particularly
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"Nice to meet you as well."
Fair enough I suppose
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"Well I'm Steve Rogers."
Fair enough I suppose
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I drew my OG boys in the barbie meme format
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"I don't know I really don't know what I do. I just try to keep things fair and safe."
"Steve, I know we can't have another dog but this one followed Me home." The dog has blue eyes and a bridle coat, wagging her tail. "Can we take her to shield and see if one of the desk agents can take her?"
"Lukas. You have a penchant for bringing home strays. But yeah. We can."
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"I recognize you but you still introduce yourself if you plan to."
Came across you. Figured I’d introduce myself.
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"Well hiding too much will always get you into trouble in the end. People want to know that you feel like they do. No one wants to be emotionally stifled or have someone around that can't express themselves at all."
"You're a good guy Rocket, you just need to believe in yourself the way I believe in you. I can't help but think most of this is just coming from your background. Not that I know it but rather just have a feeling most people were made to hide themselves...not born that way."
Rocket sometimes wondered, how jaded he really had become, and if there was any recovery for it, so hearing Steve say he'd become less selfish over time, he nodded. He was aware that he wasn't just battling with things about his self image, but more internal emotions pertaining to how his value as a person was probably arbitrary on his ability to task, whether it was fixing, inventing, fighting, planning... He was afraid to find out how much he mattered beyond that... but not with Steve. He not only always validated Rocket as a person, but somehow saw the good in him that even he couldn't see.
"No offence, but I think that's partially your fault," he said, trying to lighten the mood. He was still trying to dry off his eyes, not wanting to break down anymore than he had, he had as much anxiety about showing his emotions openly as he had about the topics that gave him anxiety in the first place, not that (he'd ever admit he even had anxiety.)
"You been kinda a good influence, I think," Rocket said softly, clarifying what he meant about what Steve was at fault for.
A lot of times if he found himself feeling emotional, he found himself reeling in memories of his past, being mocked for crying or made to feel stupid. It made him guarded even with people he wanted to trust, even people he logically knew he SHOULD trust.
"I guess I never really thought about it that way," he admitted, his tone genuine. "I've always been good at hiding… stuff." He paused, shifting under the pat on the back, he couldn't . It was rare for anyone to see past his tough exterior, let alone someone as sharp as Steve.
"But... thanks Steve, you're a good friend. I just want you to know I appreciate it..."
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"I don't bring home strays. I have no idea what you are talking about."
"Steve, I know we can't have another dog but this one followed Me home." The dog has blue eyes and a bridle coat, wagging her tail. "Can we take her to shield and see if one of the desk agents can take her?"
"Lukas. You have a penchant for bringing home strays. But yeah. We can."
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"Oh and how is that going so far because I haven't even gotten a name."
Came across you. Figured I’d introduce myself.
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"Steve, I know we can't have another dog but this one followed Me home." The dog has blue eyes and a bridle coat, wagging her tail. "Can we take her to shield and see if one of the desk agents can take her?"
"Lukas. You have a penchant for bringing home strays. But yeah. We can."
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"Why you talking to me?"
Agree to disagree
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