streetspeed585 - Tumblr blog

streetspeed585 · 6 years

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You probably think I’m crazy.

No. I’m in love with you. I don’t know why I’m obsessed with you. I’m sorry. I feel like I had a great life in front of me. Like we had a great life in front of us. I ruined it. I fell off track of my life, and I had some issues within myself that I wasn’t mature or intelligent enough to work through. You leaving was probably good for me, and maybe potentially for us. It gave me the opportunity to mature, grow, and miss you more.. but most of all it gave me perspective.

Let me tell you what’s happened since you left.

I bought my silver Mazda in late 2015, which was my way of trying to distract myself from you. I got a little too excited (as I used to do) behind the wheel and crashed it into a horse fence. No one was hurt but the car was damaged. I was crushed. I got kinda depressed and just continued to work my job at Wegmans and just came home everyday.

Until the day my mother woke me up by smashing a glass beer bottle into my head as I was sleeping. Ironically this day my cars alternator had gone bad, I had no idea about cars at this point, so I had Carter fix it and I told him I’d pay him back. I also decided this was the day I was moving out of my mothers. Best decision of my life.

So I move into my fathers, with my sister, her husband, his daughter, my nephew, and the two doggos. Life was challenging. I cut everyone off in Bloomfield, leaving myself in debt to my best friend Carter. I was sick of hearing about you, and sick of everyone asking if I was okay (when I wasn’t)

I obviously met new people in Canandaigua, but the wrong kinds of people. I was lost. I was hurt by my mother, living with my father, losing friends, and most significant of them all; losing you.

I got into drugs, as I had dabbled in previously before. Started with pot, and did almost everything else. I was never addicted to ANYTHING, I just wanted to escape, and to be honest forget about you. I was partying all the time. I wanted to die, so I figured escaping was better. That obviously leads down a dark, lonely path. I lost my car, my money.. People in that lifestyle use you. They don’t care about you. They just want their fix.

I started hanging out with everyone I could again, and just distracting myself from everything. Then a blessing in disguise appeared.

My fathers house got foreclosed. And this is where it gets good.

We moved to one of my grandfathers rentals in Clifton Springs. It’s a 4 bedroom, 3 bathroom, 3 living room, 2 stories with a mud room. Also has a two car detached garage. You’ll understand why I’m so proud of it in a minute.

When we first moved here I had almost no one. I got off the drugs. Caleb and Seth came by every once in a while. I had no life out here. I had lost my license from not paying a ticket so I couldn’t leave... I spent pretty much all my time learning as much as I could about cars. All my time went into cars, and luckily I had some experimental cars lol so I started learning quick.. but I still had no job, no money, I was running out of time, with on goal in my mind.

1) Successful future with the love of my life, you.

I realized I can’t be with you if I’m not able to provide for you. Hell, I couldn’t even provide for myself.. How on earth could I provide to you? I also realized I had no coping mechanisms, no way to handle any stress life threw at me. You didn’t deserve that. How could I be your rock and help you deal with things, when I couldn’t even deal with my my own issues. Relationships are 50/50 and you were picking up a lot of my slack. I had no confidence and I lied a lot to make myself seem better. It finally hit me, instead of saying I needed to change, I just had to change!

I decided to go to counseling, and actually put forth effort by opening up, and telling the truth to not just her, but myself. While working on myself psychologically, I challenged myself mentally and decided to get that diploma that I lost sight of. First try! 😊😏 I got a job, bought a car, started DJing again, and working on people’s cars for some money.. and I saved up and bought another Mazda RX8 for $500 that was like destroyed lol. I challenged myself physically and mentally by taking EVERYTHING apart and learning how it worked.. every little piece literally. I gained confidence in my intelligence again. I was working all the time bringing in money..

Then my dad moved out into his girlfriend’s and I was on my own. Not making ends meet at this point, I got a roommate, which saved my ass probably. All while working with my shrink, working my job, and learning (becoming obsessed) with my car. I ended up buying another one, selling the one I took apart and now I have a BEAUTIFUL blue RX8, that is my prized possession. (the mr. fishy thing you made me hangs on the rearview lol)

I try relationships for the first time at this point (no joke, 2017 at this point.) And god gave me literal women versions me, treating me how I treated you. If that makes any sense. They never worked because all I could think of is you. All I could talk about was you lol. I realized how I treated you effected you, first hand.

It hit me how controlling, clingy, annoying, stupid, and mean I was towards you. I loved you and I’ll never stop, but at that time I didn’t know how to love.

I know now Ori. I’m responsible, I’m honest, I work hard. I’ve worked tirelessly to become a better person. To be genuine, sweet, compassionate.

I’m not perfect and I have a long way to go. No ones a finished product. I am however the best version of myself I’ve ever been. I’m proud of where I’ve come.

The problem is.. that I love you so much, and I miss you like crazy. I know I sound crazy but I will NEVER stop loving you. You might think that we weren’t together for that long but god damn it I fell in love with you way before we ever dated.

All I’m saying, is if there’s anything left in your heart for me, just think about me. I want to build that future we talked about. I want to be the guy that I couldn’t be for you before.

I love you Ori. I hope I hear from you... You’re the most amazing, beautiful girl in the world. I’d do anything to have you part of my life again. I’m so sorry for how things were in the past. I didn’t mean to hurt you and that’s my biggest regret in life. There’s a lot more to my life, and how I learned the lessons I’ve learned and I’d love to share some more of what’s happened with you. I’d love to hear about yours. I’m not the same guy that gets upset if you tell me you’ve dated someone because obviously you did. It’s not fair for me to ask you be alone while I fix my dumbass.

Long story short, I love you, I’ve worked hard and will continue to work hard to be the best person I can be, I feel terrible for what’s happened between us, and I just wish you were here.

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