Not as soon as I anticipated, but we meet yet again old friend. How have you been?? Yeah it's hard to keep up and it's hard to adjust. I saw you are trying to improve though. Me? Let's not talk about that. Fine I can be honest, truth is I still tell people I'm fantastic or it's another day in paradise when the reality is I don't know if I'm OK. So much in my head... I...my wife I'm pretty sure she's joking when she calls me gay, but sometimes I'm not sure, I know I'm not totally straight. I spent 2 years on the down low with a guy and only 2 people that weren't me or him know and one is my wife and that telling was far from great, anyway we were both from religious homes and had to keep everything hidden. And on the note of religion I think it has led to some of my issues. I don't know what I believe, I know what I have been told to believe my whole life, but I don't know what I believe. I was raised in a Seventh Day Adventist home, as was my mother, and her parents and I know my great grandparents were so it's a long standing thing in my family. My friend was from a equally long line of deep south Baptist beliefs. The SDA beliefs are much more strict and holds to the old mosaic law. I was 30 at my first sampling of bacon. Now crazy as it sounds I work for a Christian based non-profit and have been there 4 years now. I am a maintenance technician and also do grounds care. I am on call and we rotate weekends so I work some Saturdays and Fridays after sunset which is a ticket to the bad place. Not that having had relationships with another guy wouldn't also be a reason for that,but sometimes I still have a desire for it. I still have to keep things hidden because it could be grounds for dismissal from my job. My job is super flexible with days off and hours so I can raise my kids and I know nowhere else would be so forgiving to me. I wasn't careful one day and was sighted in the building with my Proud Furry hoodie on(I had gotten diesel fuel on my other it was the one I had in my truck)so that combined with the nail polish has left people suspect. I have to wonder sometimes if my wife believes I'm more gay than straight or if I want something else. She would be the one to know as she knows more about me and my past than my parents, a therapist would have a field day but until then I will have to settle with emptying my mind here. Have spent the last several nights after she goes to sleep sitting on the shower floor for an hour or two and just letting the water rain down. I don't know if it helps but the rain is still too cold for such things. There is so much I don't understand like pronouns and transjender, I was never exposed to things largely due to religious sheltered life. I have finally encountered a person who is non-binary and it's hard to remember to use they/them and people call you out for you and tell you you don't care about others or you would just change, but I was programed to think, act and talk this way for 30 years! Ask a smoker who has smoked 5 years to quit cold turkey. My grandfather on my Dad's side used the N word and did so openly, but his best friend was an old colored gentleman Mr.Milton and every day before he ate his dinner rain shine or hurricane he would take him a hot plate of food. If you didn't know and didn't see you'd thought him a racist white supremacist, but it wasn't the case. People talk about care but are so quick to judge or tell you how you should feel... That's part of why my wife knows things my parents don't. I won't elaborate much but I took a problem to people you were supposed to trust and it went just as I was told it would. So I made changes and because I was young and of such a light build I likely stunted my growth a smidgen and damaged my joints. I don't know why my wife stays when I'm so damaged. I wish I could see what she does or did see. She still spends a lot of time on her phone and I asked her to talk to me yesterday and she didn't put down her phone. Some days are so much more a struggle than others. I'll see you later old friend. Thanks for being here.

It's 8:32 dishes are done, kids were in bed by 8 and she has been since 6:50. I asked if she was OK she said she just didn't feel good. Last night I asked she said she was fine so I asked if she was sad she said that she might be, I asked if she was a little depressed and she shrugged. I guess. I asked why or if there was anything I could do to help. I dunno. I don't know what to do anymore, we have talked so many times about bottling things up. Is it me?? Is it something I did or said?? She is always on her phone and the last time I asked her to put it down a little more and be a bit more available and it was a mistake. She got upset and it changed for 2 days, but then right back to not listening. I have to yell 10 feet from the stove to the couch HEY! Huh?? What?? I said dinner is done for the third time. Oh OK. Just dish some up for the kids to cool and I'll get mine. I already did and it should be OK for them now. OK. And back into the phone, then dinner is cold and she picks at a bit and goes to bed. I rub her back till she falls asleep and then I mill around the kitchen/living room till 1-3AM. Sometimes I have youtube for background noise, sometimes I catch up on twitch streams and yet other nights I do as tonight and sit in the dark... I'm not sure I'm OK, I tell everyone I'm fantastic. I'm tired but I'm far from ready for bed. At least the cats came to see me. Good night old friend. I'll see you again soon maybe.

Not usually about it, but...

Me again old friend, was feeling a little down so I put some music box mix on TV to relax and take a old time tumble. To my dismay all I see are posts disparaging the country I call home, I can forgive the trashing of the government because it's been a mess for a long time. But blaming the country and hoping for it's failure... makes me sick. All the time people complain about the USA stepping in to matters that don't concern us and the moment we don't everyone hates us. Well reach into your wallet and send funds or enlist in the military of your choosing and take action. If you stand idle and spew hate and speak ill of a nation are you any better?? Are you doing anything different?? Sometimes I think of awful things people have spoken and wonder would it be better?? Bomb ourselves into oblivion and let the few if any survivors figure it out like in fallout?? The media is a joke and bought by the highest bidder or most powerful influence. I gave up on the news years ago as it was nothing but doom and gloom. I have days I regret having kids as they didn't ask for this...so I'm going to give them anything and everything I can. They are learning being independent well and are proving resourceful which leads me to feel they will be able to think on their own forming their own opinions and ideas. I have a number of unpopular ideas and opinions and I'm OK with that. I don't expect this to be all that popular. But back to the base of this, if you live in the USA and don't like it that much start a go fund me to leave. Don't like we as a nation aren't involved in something, step up and get involved yourself. In the early 40's people went to the fight before it ever came to us. Don't wish for ill fortune to others or their nation, because I have a big ol cup of FU to wash down a hard to swallow pill. The only way for evil to triumph is for good men to stand and do nothing. "Darkness cannot drive out darkness only light can do that, Hate cannot drive out hate only love can do that. " Martin Luther King Jr

May God bless America 🇺🇸 and may peace and love find a way.

Me again old friend. How are you doing as of late? I suppose same Ole thing isn't bad, maybe not exciting but predictable. Me? I'm fine. What? Not convincing, I'm fine. Well I feel like I need to offer up an apology. Well I was watching a stream over on twitch today and I made a comment in the chat as one does. And I don't feel it was well received. Now it's 11:41 and I've gotten out of bed because it's weighing on my mind. The streamer did the only UwU I've ever heard them do and I couldn't help but smile. So I said: That UwU made my day. And they rolled their head back after reading it and said: This is the sort of thing that makes me want to leave. I don't want to be the reason someone abandons something they enjoy, I don't want to be why others lose something, someone so precious. I just plain feel bad about it... I don't want to be part of the problem. I had no idea what a furry was when I was 14 but I had found some comics and really enjoyed them. I didn't know what a furry was till I was 16 and didn't fully embrace it until I was 20 or 21. I don't talk about it but I had depression pretty bad at one point. Was so sick of it and being alone and trying to adjust to adult life where everything sucked. I had a single prized possession and I was on the verge of losing it. The Fandom and the art and artists and supportive people kept me going. I don't want to be part of what drives out someone who brings so much into the community and built a wonderful community themselves. I seem to make the mistake of speaking when I should stay quiet more than anything these days... So with that said I'm sorry Bardicrj, I'm sorry to have upset and disappointed you with my comment. I don't mean to be a bother or to upset anyone. I'll try to find you in a stream so I can apologize more personally. But then I'm afraid of making it worse... I don't want him to feel bad for a simple reaction. I have no idea the kind of day he was having. I guess I should just be happy he elected to come spend time with us randos. I shouldn't be bothered, but I don't want to be the negativity in someone's day. I don't know that you will ever see this, but I want you to know that I am truly sorry. We love and appreciate you and your dedication to others. So I'm going to try going back to bed now that I've put my mind down. Thanks for being out here with us Bardic. It means more than you know to us. Sorry and thanks again, JSP.(my actual initials not that anyone would actually find this and the real me but I'll stay hidden for now.) Well old friend thanks for listening to me yet again...maybe one day I can be your listening ear. And if you see Bardic just let him know I'm sorry. I don't know when I'll see you again but I know I'll be back in the deep dark of the night when the silence screams loudest and my thoughts creep about. Until then thank you and take care.

A few months ago I heard the end of a song on the radio at work, but by the time I got off I couldn't remember any of the lyrics and I still wasn't aware my phone would compile a list of now playing of everything it picked up on through the day. I was watching furry tiktoks and I could remember the music and I imidately knew it was the one that got away. Even better it had the lyrics in the subtitles. Now I know that it was Pursuit of Happiness by Kid Cudi. Between that one and Symptom of Being Human by Shinedown it can really put you in a vibe when dealing with being a little down. Music and the furry world keep me grounded.

My wonderful wife keeps asking me what I want for Christmas. Truth is I don't know, time being as I have so little of it. Or maybe a normal brain for a day, whatever normal is... I dunno. I feel like she wants to do something nice being as I don't really ask for much. And she knows that I don't get free time like I did and that her new job puts more focus on me. But the things I like require time. Before I was married I fished over 300 days a year I think I have made 5 trips this year and 1 if not 2 I didn't get to fish due to unexpected problems. Then last week someone stole my motor, trolling motor, battery and my steering wheel. I don't have much time to make repairs so I keep thinking about just getting rid of it and getting a car, but they also require time. And money. I have so many ideas and so much I want, but I just don't have the time. I think I just need a mental health day.

Hey, yeah I wasn't back in a day or 3. I never did post my thoughts. I wrote 6 pages on my tablet. Gave it a day and talked to her. Naturally it didn't go right and she took it as I was done. Not the case, I just wanted to express my feelings and ask to have her pay attention to me just a little bit and to put her phone down for a few minutes. She changed for a little bit, but after 2 weeks or so I feel like we have slipped back to where we were...or where I was. Feels like it was a mistake to have said anything. I might start an onlyfans yet, she already found my drawer of stuff and it didn't help my case. She had said I could because she didn't believe I could actually have success and make any money. Maybe I didn't because I was afraid to prove her right. That and if my job found out I'd be out of a job. Well for a few reasons. I don't think they could can me for being a furry, but being Bi on the other hand is not acceptable in the Christian society and working for a Christian based non-profit they get to be far more selective in staff. And then what would my parents think...I definitely wouldn't be the favorite of my grandparents anymore. Having grown up in the SDA church I'm going to H3ll anyway because I work on sabbath...and then there's the other stuff too. I'm tired but not a sleepy tired. Only her and you know the real me. Thanks for being here and listening old friend. It really makes a difference, thanks for being here and thanks for being my friend. See you in a while.

Hey there old friend me again...yeah I'm not good at keeping up with people am I. It's OK though right?? I didn't forget you. And I can see you haven't forgotten me either, so how have you been?? Really you don't say. That's great news and I'm happy for you. Yeah it was a little rocky looking for a while but you pulled it off and that's what counts. Me?? Uhhh I'm fine. Oh you know just work and the kids and trying to keep everything together and in order. No no I'm fine, really I am. I have some things I need to do before bed but maybe we can finish catching up in a day or three... It was good seeing you and I'll see you soon.

6 Years in the making

So I finally got something I have been after for about 6 years. My very first Snakehead and at 13.44 pounds and 32 inches long she was a Dragon. what a day!

My favorite place to be alone with my thoughts and the deafening ringing of tinnitus... I am almost never on FB only kept it for marketplace but every so often I actually scroll instead of jumping straight to marketplace. I see a post and it's 23 hours old so I decide to check in. Hey you alright?? Yeah. I wait a minute, You want to talk?? No. I wait again, Do you need to talk?? No. Never lowered the blanket, finally rolled over and faced away from me. I sit for a moment before getting off the bed and grabbing my tablet before I turn out the lights. Am I crazy?? Is it in my head?? Is it me?? You said you wouldn't bottle things up anymore... am I not enough anymore?? I hate when I get nothing because I do this. I get so scared, I don't want to be left alone again... we are supposed to be forever and always... guess I'll put on some tunes and do the dishes. Thanks for still being here old friend.

Been a roller coaster of a day... But the YouTube machine works in mysterious ways. I listened to the velveteen rabbit, the selfish giant and the 1978 feature of puff the magic dragon. I'm going to snuggle my long time friend and put the day behind me and try and get some sleep. Take care of yourself out there.

First Fish of The Year

Last minute fishing prep...

So my wife got a perfect petzzz orange tabby at cracker barrel tonight. Our oldest daughter was instantly infatuated. She loved my old cat and she misses her and will sometimes go and find pictures of her and bring them to me and say Mimi. She took this perfect petzz and put it in my lap and said Dada. And I knew I wasn't dead inside. Took all I had not to cry. We all miss her and my daughter seems to understand feels very well.

Late Thoughts

Have you ever felt depression literally killing you, you have it all and it feels so empty and alone. Why does home feel alone. Why does everything feel hollow. Why does happy seem like a butterfly in a dream. It’s visible and seems so vivid and real, but no mater how you try it remains unobtainable. You always blame yourself, what did or didn’t I do. I always blame me however right or wrong. I am the keeper of my own happiness and if I can’t solve it is it real much less obtainable... Butterfly, falling leaf, thistle seed floating on the wind, a cloud sailing the sea that is the sky, make a wish and try try try again.

So I moved 5 times in 2 years. Needless to say Florida didn't pan out, and I'm back in this God forsaken trailer park. About 5 trailers down from our original one. But my fur babies are inside where they belong with the misses and our actual baby and another on the way. Been a wild ride. And that is a story for another time...

Hello...old friend. It has been a while, of course you changed, but so did I. You went SFW and I married, moved in, moved states and fell away from writing. It would seem its a world full of sad news. But it’s not all sad, She pulled me from a dark and terrifying place. I’m not back and I’m not back in that place, however it does feel somewhat the same...