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A Pocket Of Bendelow
"Hi, I'm Stephen. Professional Randomsmith, inspirational presence and arch deacon of cray-cray. I will be your guide on this journey into the twisting labyrinth of my mind. Please, strap in tight and wipe your feet before you enter my imagination. It's...
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Bendelow Asks: “What The Flip Is 2016?”
If you’re reading this on the date of publish you’re one of the six billion people who recently witnessed ‘2016′.
But what the flip is this 2016 we keep hearing about? Ever the proverbial curious cat and not one to shirk an investigation (I once uncovered a fraud in my local corner shop after I discovered Mr. Jenkins was selling single cans of mulitpack Fanta in direct contravention of the little warning on the side) I took to Google my local library to investigate further and, after much studious study, I can finally reveal my findings...
A small section of the books I read in my investigation
2016 was what the calendar makers (or Monthsmiths as they prefer to be known) call a ‘year’. Typically made up of ‘days’ (a 24-hour period of time beginning at 12am and ending shortly after 11:59pm) these ‘years’ make up the bulk of history with some sources claiming years have existed since the time of the dinosaurs.
Confused yet? You’re not the only one!
A humorous image representing me following a bewildering trail of facts
Following this bewildering trail of facts I also discovered that many years were filled with things that happened. Whether it was the sinking of the Titanic, the Mongol incursion into Eastern Europe or Jedward finishing 8th in X-Factor these instances are commonly known as ‘events’ and, guess what?
2016 was full of them.
There was the death of David Bowie, a man famous for his role as a pianist in Ricky Gervais’ comedy series Extras, The U.K. vote to leave the European Union in a landmark referendum widely known as “UKexit” and Scarlett Moffat, winner of I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here proving that no matter your social background or upbringing rapidly losing three stone in weight will make your face look a bit weird.
So...There you have it. That was 2016! A ‘year’ filled with ‘events’.
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You Asked. Bendelow Answered.
Once again my inbox is literally* bursting with questions, queries and conundra sent in from every corner of the Earth (and one or two from the ISS) by my legions of loyal fans.
Obviously trying to respond to even an infinitesimal fraction of them would be an exercise of Sisyphean futility so I’ll just answer one completely at random for now.
*metaphorically
Libby Lendirsdottir Asks:
Dear Steven (sic)
I am a 24 year old, blonde, Swedish supermodel with massive tits and no gag reflex. I am unable to achieve a state of sexual arousal unless I am reading your blog. Obviously this has led to a few complications in my marriage to Brad Pitt Nigel Mansell Wolverine off X-Men.
Not wanting to fall foul of copyright laws I would like to ask: Do I have your permission to tattoo some of your more concise blogposts onto my husband’s chest so I can maintain stimulation during coitus without having to check my laptop every 2 seconds?
Thanks, Libby xxx
Stephen Says:
Of course you can, Libby. Anything to help a fan in need!
But please, I must ask that you include a short postscript giving full credit for the replicated work to me and include a link to my blog underneath the tattoo to avoid any confusion should anyone else happen to view it.
Thank you for your letter!
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Inspiration For Emily
Emily was at a loss. Luckily for her an inspirational person was nearby...
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Stephen Bendelow Asks: To Which Hogwarts House Would Stephen Bendelow Belong?
Ever since the sorting hat was lowered upon Harry Potter’s head the question on everybody’s lips is “To which Hogwarts house would Stephen Bendelow belong?”. A confusing conundrum indeed given Bendelow’s seeming eligibility for all four houses.
His selfless valour and courage would certainly earn him a place within the hallowed dormitory of Gryffindor. Likewise his ambition and drive would be heavily prized by those of house Slytherin. And whatever it is that the other two houses are famous for there’s no doubt in anyone’s mind that Stephen has the requsite virtues to satisfy even the most cynical of sentient headwear.
And now, in this highly anticipated interview with himself, Stephen Bendelow ignores the fact that the decision would have nothing to do with him and tells us all which Hogwarts house he’d belong to:
Stephen: Hi, Stephen
Stephen: Hi.
Stephen: Thanks for agreeing to this interview. We’re all dying to know which Hogwarts house you’d belong to
Stephen: It’s my pleasure, really.
Stephen: No, really, I am truly grateful. You are a prince among men.
Stephen: *blushes* You’re too kind.
Stephen: You are.
Stephen: Thank you.
Stephen: So, Stephen. Which Hogwarts house would you belong to?
Stephen: *looks pensive and steeples fingers in front of face*.......Gryffindor
Stephen: Thank you
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Bendelow Reviews: Asda Smart Price Water
Hi. I’m Stephen Bendelow and if you know anything about me you’ll know I love two things is this life: Reviewing stuff and water.
I made my earliest review at the tender age of five when, after watching my classmates’ infant school nativity play, I chastised my friend Brian on the lacklustre performance he brought to his role of “Shepherd 3″ to which he responded with an equally critical review of his own, remarking that I had “gaylord shoes”. I wasn’t disheartened however and have made it my business to voice my opinion on the quality of things I encounter ever since.
As for water I LOVE the stuff. I’ve drank some water almost every day for as long as I can remember and I also use it to wash my body with when it becomes dirty. Honestly, I don’t know what I’d do with my life if I didn’t have access to water. I’d probably be very cross!
So, I thought to myself “why not do a REVIEW about WATER!!??”
And so.....Here it is!
This is a bottle of still water which I purchased from ASDA for 17p (I’m told by my friends that’s about 35 dollars in U.S. currency). 17p may seem a lot of money for something which flows freely out of the taps in my Mam’s house but I’m a bit of a hedonist and don’t mind pushing the boat out when it comes to treating myself.
First of all, you’ll notice the water is contained in a plastic bottle and not a cloud or riverbank like most water you’d find in the wild. I don’t really know the purpose of this but it does seem to be a rather popular method of liquid containment (Perhaps it’s to stop our hands getting wet when we carry it home? Message me with your thoughts and suggestions).
The water itself is very transparent (see-through) and sloshes around a lot when you move the bottle from side to side. A good sign that this is quality stuff.
Upon opening the bottle the first thing I like to do is give it a sniff.....If it smells like nothing, that’s fine. If however it smells like the swimming baths you’ve probably bought a bottle of bleach instead. If this is the case be very careful of consuming too much of that stuff in one sitting as it has quite a kick.
Once the bottle is opened and I’ve sampled the bouquet it’s time to pour it into a glass. (note: Glass isn’t essential. I spent much of my early years drinking water from a plastic Tommee Tippee cup and the difference in taste is negligible).
Yes. Even in the glass the water remains transparent (see-through) and upon dipping my finger into it I can feel that it’s “wet” which is one of the properties of water. So far so good.
But, as they say, the proof of the pudding (water) is in the eating (drinking)!
.
.
.
.
MMMmmmm That’s good water....Rather hard to describe it actually. Imagine a vegetable soup with no vegetables or other ingredients in whatsoever....It’s kind of like that.
All in all, it’s good stuff!
Drink up, folks!
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A Gift From A Fan
Mary in Staffordshire was kind enough to make a very flattering illustration of me.
She goes on to say:
“Hi Stephen! This is only one of two pictures I’ve made of you. The other one I sellotape to the back of my husband’s head so you’re always there looking at me when I wake up on the morning!”
Thanks, Mary. That’s really sweet.
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At The Ice Rink
Me: *steps onto rink*
Dudebro: “Hey, fag, only real men get to dance on THIS ice.”
Me: *raises head slowly and stares*
Dudebro: “Hey.....I don’t want any trouble.”
Me: “Too late, asshole”
Dudebro: *backs away*
Me: *Executes a flawless toe pick jump takeoff with extended foot landing and glides effortlessly into a an extended layback spin*
Dudebro: “That was.....magical!”
Everyone: *slow clap*
Everyone *furious applause*
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Birthday Gift
A poem my Stephen Bendelow
Wrap, wrap, wrap
Wrap the gift in bright paper
Tape, tape, tape
Tape it with sellotaper (sellotape)
Write, Write, Write
Write the tag with a pen
Give, Give, Give
Give the gift to a frien (friend)
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Thought Corner
“Never follow another person’s path unless that person is travelling slightly ahead of you in the same direction you want to go”
-Stephen Bendelow
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Time Maketh Me Late
A poem By Stephen Bendelow.
Stop the clock.
For I am late.
Late for an important seminar
Or late
For a date
With Jennifar (Jennifer)
The reason for my lateness is irrelevant
For punctuality is my covenant.
Stop the clock.
But start it again.
I have decided instead
To take the train.
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