Today, I have realized that to be a mother is to be selfless. I've always known it by principle. But it wasn't until I was working 2 weeks straight, 6 days off and another 2 weeks straight that it really cut through my bones. I thought I have been selfless because I have given up on a lot just to put my kids first and I have always put their needs before mine even if it meant I'd have nothing left for myself. But man... it takes a lot more than that.

I have been working nonstop and when I get home, I still have to take care of 3 kids on my own because I didn't want anybody thinking I was being a burden and I could already tell they're kind of fed up with having to take care of my kids. I get it, they're old; they should be resting but instead they have to take care of 3 (kind of) difficult kids because I can't afford to hire a nanny despite having a job. So here I was, taking care of them, doing my best to keep my cool despite the tantrums (from all three) every few minutes. I was doing fine the first few days of my straight off days but towards the middle, I could literally feel the burn out. There was a time I started crying out of nowhere while carrying my baby because I was so tired and overwhelmed. My legs were giving out but I had to keep standing. My toddler keeps fighting with her cousin and gets sudden outbursts of anger which she takes out on me by punching my head. My grade-schooler keeps trying to get my attention but I can't give her much given the chaos and she ends up getting angry and feeling unappreciated so she starts throwing tantrums too. All this while I was having an existential crisis and feeling burned out from working nonstop without any time to even catch my breath. And that's when it hit me. I was already giving so much of myself but I could tell my kids still weren't getting enough love and attention. I thought I was already selfless enough... but being a mother meant giving so much more. Your blood, sweat, tears, soul-even the fibers of your being. Being a mother meant keeping your head above water despite your body being made of lead. Being a mother meant pouring as much love as you can despite the empty vessel. Being a mother meant finding ways to stretch time so each child gets enough. Being a mother meant being so utterly and completely selfless that you lose your sense of self. But being a mother doesn't mean you have to be less, even if that's all that's left sometimes...

shit lee know says (3/?)

love of my life

LEE KNOW / [SKZ CODE] Ep.25

My baby🥹

Lee Know ♡ Spread My Wings – MBC Radio Starry Night (190704)

Invisible.

Not so much so.

More accurately,

Nonexistent.

It's time to accept that I don't mean as much as you do to me. Gotta take out those bricks and build my walls again. This time, it's time to make an impenetrable fortress.

So back to tumblr it is???

🥲

I've been watching vlogs about this filipino and korean couple. They're such a fun couple. They like playing pranks on each other etc. But I just finished watching their proposal vlog and it's so sweet and real and goddamnit I suddenly realized I at least want to get a proper proposal. I have been left out of most of the stuff that makes relationships worthwhile so idk... It kinda hurts knowing that I would never get one. But there's no harm in imagining one right? Lee Know and I. Camping on an island. Just watching the stars by the shore, talking about whatever nonsense. Then Lee Know suddenly says "손" the same way he does to soon dong doori then I give him my hand but then he kisses it and asks me to marry him and puts a ring on it ASDHDHSKSKDBDISNSBDB I'd probably faint right then and there... 🥲 Damn it why am I being delusional again? Hahahaha 이리노 내 사랑

I left you.

I did.

But knowing that I meant so little to you,

Fucking hurts.

Still.

Thanks for proving I made the right decision.

This pain,

Is nothing but fodder.

Apart. A part.

Both composed of the same string of letters arranged in the same order. The only difference is the presence of a space in one and the absence of that in the other. Curious how the presence of a gap in the letters transformed the word to mean being a part of something, instead of separate from it. With that, I have also come to realize that if someone is a part of your life, it is important to give that someone space. For if you omit that space or neglect to respect it, that someone would likely become apart from as opposed to a part of you.

Weekly affirmation ✨

i am manifesting an extraordinary reality and deserve the abundance that is coming my way. i am divine. i exude confidence. i am aligned with my highest self. any opposing energy, i quickly release. i move from a place of love and gratitude and the universe is conspiring in my favor.

i kinda missed you, tumblr ❤️

A Bookworm’s Living Room (via luke_bunny)

You

are not meant to belong

to one person only.

And I,

am not meant for fleeting

people and insincere love