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stardustandheart · 4 years

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A Light in our Darkness

Wednesday, May 27, 2020

4:33PM EDT

They were ready. Were you?

Everybody was ready. All were ready except for one: The one who ultimately runs the show, the goddess Mother Nature.

Yesterday my family and I got in the car and headed to Cape Canaveral for this historic day.

It was a special day, the mark of a new era. For the first time in 9 years after the final space shuttle mission, NASA would launch 2 special and most worthy humans to the ISS, off of U.S. soil. On board the Crew Dragon spacecraft that sits on top of the Space X Falcon 9 rocket were veteran astronauts Doug Hurley (one of my role models) and Robert Behnken. Few words are needed to describe what they were about to feel and achieve.

“Astronauts are the worthy explorers of untouched lands”

But this dynamic duo-crew alone wouldn’t fill the crew cabin because flying with them to the ISS are the dreams of every American and all generations past.

We live in a dark time right now. I think it is so beautiful that even amidst a global pandemic where fear drives our pain and sadness, our innovators and leaders have even so pushed through and manifested our dreams to explore beyond our planet.

And so NASA said “let’s light this candle.” All was ‘go for launch.’

For the last week and a half or so that I had been home, it was storming every day-(typical Florida pre-hurricane season), all throughout the week I was doubtful of the launch but I remained hopeful and so did our astronauts, along with every person working behind the scenes, I truly believe it.

Our entire planet united, rooting for our heroes. Our heroes who would be this light in our darkness.

I woke up yesterday with a hunch that it wasn't going to happen, but I was fighting it. Four hours later when we arrived to the park where we would witness this historical moment, I remember just feeling… {how is this happening}. Feeling concern over our astronauts, fearing a catastrophic mistake wouldn’t be made. I was almost hoping that they would scrub the launch. Having had a near-catastrophic avionic experience, I will never be the same. I really truly believe it in my body and mind that I have developed a “sixth sense” where I can feel and sense danger in the sky.

Right as we walk up the our viewing area, straight across from me I see a lightning strike. And in that moment, I just knew it in my body, it was scrubbed. With only about 10 minutes to liftoff, sure enough it was canceled.

I felt nothing but relief.

The issue was that there was too much electricity in the atmosphere; while every single other exterior and interior condition was aligned perfectly, launch director of the mission feared that the launch of the craft would actually trigger a lightning storm, which could result in catastrophe.

So it was Mother Nature’s call this time. Everything, absolutely everything happens for a reason & I trust the universe with my whole entire being.

The launch has been postponed to Saturday, May 30 with a liftoff time of 3:22PM EDT.

This craft that they are flying to the station is one of the most sleek, modern, safe, and advanced systems ever built, truly a milestone in the space economy, able to fly up to 7 crew members at once to space and beyond. Demo-2 is the final major milestone mission for SpaceX’s human spaceflight system to be certified by NASA for operational crew missions, to and from the International Space Station. This means that if this mission is successful, this craft will be used in future space exploration missions, specifically the Artemis Program which will take our civilization to the Moon, Mars, and beyond. It gives me chills.

There was no launch yesterday, but this is no failure.

Post-launch scrub, NASA Administrator Jim Bridenstine said “It was a great day for NASA, it was a great day for SpaceX. I think our teams worked together in a really impressive way, making good decisions all along.” The scrub yesterday was the best decision they could have ever made in order to keep our crew safe. Safety is the mostimportant thing for our astronauts. Safety is paramount, which leads me to something that I am so passionate about, & that is CRM and the importance of it in aviation & aeronautics safety. CRM stands for Crew Resource Management, and it is “the effective use of all available resources for flight personnel to assure a safe and efficient operation, reducing error, avoiding stress, and increasing efficiency” (Skybrary.aero). The concept was developed as a response to new insights into the causes of aircraft accidents. It is absolutely shocking, from this research, how many fatal aircraft accidents were not causes from technical malfunctions of the aircraft or its systems themselves, but simply because of a lack of effective communication and teamwork on the part of the crew. I see it even when I work my flights- the inability of crews to be able to respond appropriately to the situation in which they find themselves. No situational awareness, or if there is, not voicing this to the other crew members, fearing that it is not important and/or carelessness. All this leading to ultimately a wrong decision or series of wrong decisions that result in catastrophe.

I am so passionate about situational awareness, especially after my own aircraft incident. Not only can I stress how important situational awareness is, but CRM, and being tuned in live during this launch yesterday it was just spectacular to watch and listen to the dialogue between NASA and the crew and see how effectively and composed they worked together to make the best and safest decisions. It always, always amazes me and not only that, but teaches me something new about CRM each time. Invaluable information that I can take with me on my own flights. More importantly than just situational awareness, effective communication, and composed teamwork, really lies the most special and distinctive quality that separates effective CRM from weak CRM. And for me personally, that is the ability of the crew to really tune into this sixth sense as a collective entity. It is almost other-wordly, magical- so to speak. It is when the crew can successfully become a unified force and be able to successfully execute the right decision, but this can only be done as a united entity and with complete collaboration and agreement. Everything has to be lined up correctly. It’s magic, really. Because if you read/watch any real-life emergency experiences from the most famous of events and iconic astronauts/aviation professionals (such as Apollo 11 for example), they will tell you the same thing.

My ultimate icon, Christina Koch said some words at yesterday’s event that I want to share as well:

“So much history … it is really just such a testament to NASA, not only are we pushing the boundaries of knowledge and discovery and exploration but, we’re pushing the boundaries on how we accomplish that mission, we’re bringing in commercial partners, we’re fostering a space economy so we’re making sure that we’re always pushing forward, always taking that next step. I think it’s such a privilege to be part of an organization that recognizes if we’re not actually making steps and innovating every single time we do this, then we’re not truly answering humanity’s call to explore and to push those boundaries.”

And she really just put into words what I couldn’t. For NASA to still be able to push those limits amidst this covid-19 global pandemic is truly what it means to answer humanity’s call to explore our universe. As I always say- and what keeps me moving- “the world must go on.” It’s that “how” factor that Koch points out that marks this event as truly a pivotal turning point- innovation and ingenuity. How we are changing the way we do things, experimenting, pushing our limits. It is what makes the human race a truly incredible civilization.

Today I will leave you with one of my favorite things, an Aesop fable. This one is called “The Astrologer”:

A man who lived a long time ago believed that he could read the future in the stars. He called himself an Astrologer, and spent his time at night gazing at the sky.

One evening he was walking along the open road outside the village. His eyes were fixed on the stars. He thought he saw there that the end of the world was at hand, when all at once, down he went into a hole full of mud and water.

There he stood up to his ears, in the muddy water, and madly clawing at the slippery sides of the hole in his effort to climb out.

His cries for help soon brought the villagers running. As they pulled him out of the mud, one of them said:

“You pretend to read the future in the stars, and yet you fail to see what is at your feet! This may teach you to pay more attention to what is right in front of you, and let the future take care of itself.”

“What use is it,” said another, “to read the stars, when you can't see what's right here on the earth?”

And so the message is ~[Take care of the little things and the big things will take care of themselves.]~

The weather, yesterday, was our “little thing” in the big picture. We are taking care of it. Our vision and our mission does not cease. And so the countdown to Saturday begins.

Let’s light this candle.

This is strange, dark, and ominous world we live in. Take it one day at a time.

I promise that you will be okay. And remember, my door is always open.

So much love.

And so the world goes on.

Open your eyes, look up to the skies

-Elon Musk

Xx~

Jami

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stardustandheart · 4 years

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IS REALITY REAL?: EVERYTHING IS SUBJECTIVE

Everything is substantial. But everything is meaningless.

There will be a moment- as inevitable as death itself- when your feelings of release will be replaced by the more lasting aimlessness of the lost.

Because ... everything is nothing.

-perception of scale-

sometimes i have a problem with my perception of scale. it’s overwhelming.

the standards of my universe.

knowing that there are Hundreds of billions of galaxies and that each might contain hundreds of billions of stars

life and this planet and everyone in it seems insignificant.

are we alone?

this requires considerable ego.

feelings of bigness and smallness.

hubris and humility.

look without, look within.

everything in life is attainable.

reachable.

doable.

things in life,

what we perceive,

is really just an illusion.

from the artist to the scientist.

from emotion to rationality.

the ‘impossible’ can be done.

i wanna be so accomplished.

i crave it.

i want it.

i’ll get it.

everything is an illusion. we’ve just been conditioned to give it a form, to make it an object. a thing. an ideal. a goal.

Anything.

-isolation thoughts-

you’ve fallen under but you won’t drown

i am everything i think i’m made of

because i am my own. i create and i re-invent.

i am made of the starts

i am made of space dust

and to space dust i will return,

Home.

delicacy~

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stardustandheart · 4 years

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THE COVID-19 CONTAGION: AN INVISIBLE ENEMY

war has been declared.

this time, it is not between 2, 3, 4, or even 10 nations.

this is war on an entire civilization ...

that of the earth. our beautiful planet that we call home.

earth vs. an enemy.

one we can’t even see.

i am allergic to humans.

and so are you.

the earth is silent.

a quiet place

hustle and bustle have ceased

animals once trapped are now free

the planet is replenishing itself

resting, healing, being re-born

but eerie is the word i keep using

the city that never sleeps is sleeping

what i see out of my airplane window is astounding

i see .. hardly any cars. hardly any life.

but it is also my sanity

being in the sky; my sense of normalcy

i’ve never felt so alone.

but I've never felt so unified

i’ve never felt this kind of terror-

terror of the unknown

what is to come

.. i’ve never known this quiet ....

this message of peace from our Mother Earth.

a calling.

many emotions.

one minute you’re fine and the next you’re frightened

fear.

the news helps.

propaganda doesn’t.

some people seem lost & dazed,

walking around in confusion

misinformed and prideful.

the president is criticized, & yet acclaimed.

i can’t imagine what he must be feeling.

conspiracies sweep our powerful nation

this year’s Earth Day is a different one

still so beautiful

but solemn

Quiet.

i’ve never had so many nightmares

scared to sleep every night

my new normal.

insomnia and bad dreams are on the rise for many

processing this trauma,

this pandemic

what will we tell our grandchildren?

what a story it will be.

unimaginable circumstances that i would never dare to imagine

it’s all happening.

they say the eyes are the window to the soul

even behind the mask,

i can see the terror in their eyes,

the fear,

“SOCIAL DISTANCING” our president says

they look at me as if i am inferior, dirty,

Poison.

they speak but don’t say a word.

‘Quarantine’ will become the most used word of 2020

what is happening behind closed doors?

it’s a walking living nightmare between hospital walls

airports are ghost towns; an inconceivable idea

airplanes are social nightmares

grocery stores are flooded with desperation

what if all the food runs out?

grocery store workers are deemed ‘essential’

but it just doesn’t seem fair.

workers are dying and they have no choice.

people in the hospitals can’t even say i love you for the last time

they have nobody there

families can’t be beside them

or else they will get sick with this contagion

but how many are fading away in their homes,

their beds

just yesterday the paramedics dragged somebody out of their home just to find they were still alive

she was still moving .. in her body bag

how many cases aren’t even getting reported

silent, unrecorded deaths.

they ran out of refrigerators

so they had to dig a big hole for the bodies

absolute terror,

absolute calm.

what do we do,

who will guide us,

who is out there,

will we make it out alive?

friday, april 24, 2020

4:20 pm

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stardustandheart · 4 years

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-UNKNOWN

different

a different approach. tonight.

what's so beautiful about me and my mind is that it can go anywhere it wants to go without owing anybody an explanation

i am my own

and no one can take that away from me

only me

look at everyone around .. so lost

yet so beautiful

so beautifully lost

if everybody is like that

don't we all get to go to the same place

the same good and beautiful place

a common thread

we all have one heart

connected

there has to be a bigger reason

more than life

i left my mind there

many months ago

when i made that choice

so much flourish

better beauty

was born that day

i can see better

everything

i can see everything

and understand it all

creativity flows out of me

never

ending

more than life.

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stardustandheart · 4 years

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STRUGGLE | RELEASE

do you ever feel so completely alone

like you have nobody

but yourself

do you wonder how something so beautiful can turn into shit

so fast

i don’t understand

i feel my body,

my mind,

my heart,

deteriorating.

what is happening to me

am i going to be okay?

i just want to feel better already

i want to feel stable at least

i feel far from it right now

i feel like i am about to burst

explode

and die

{shattered}.

//

life is about defying the odds

doing the impossible

//

lost bonds

sometimes things in life teach you

change you

humble you

the person you once thought you were

is no longer

your real self

understands that in life so much is short

and it realizes that not all that is lost is harmed

so the real self surrenders to the ego

and it’s all okay.

{healed}.

//

do you ever feel so misunderstood

by those around you

especially your best friend

your partner

your rock, your life, your everything.

no matter how you get it out

you can’t get your point across

and then

it’s {your} fault somehow

you can’t “think for yourself”

you can’t “explain yourself well enough”

you can’t “understand your own head”

you can’t process “your own emotions”

“it’s your own head, figure it out” he says

something’s not right

something’s out of place

what is it

none of this makes sense

he makes me feel like i’m doing something wrong

but i’m not

how can being myself be “wrong”

{hurt}.

//

i’m in my own little world

all alone

how can i be heard

when i’m all by myself

in my own little world

i don’t know how to talk about it

about this

the “right way”

when there really is no “right way”

//

i feel like i just can’t do anything right

i need somebody

i have somebody

but they can’t be here

{alone}.

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stardustandheart · 4 years

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THE SOUND OF HEARTBREAK

swollen eyes

all too many times

too many nights

i cry myself to sleep

my pillows have black makeup stains

from the tears

i don’t know if it’s just me,

dramatic

or the hormones

or both

or if it’s real life and what i think but can’t get myself to admit

but it hurts

it just hurts so bad . .

it feels like my heart is shattering into a million pieces

each time it just hurts more

like we are already did it but we haven’t even yet officially

but all his ‘talk..’

i’m so scared

i’m terrified

because what if it’s just what we have to do and we both know it but we’re both just not strong enough to walk away

what if . .

or what if it’s just something else

something that we can figure out and

we’re just being babies

i don’t know but

all i know

is that the tears just don’t stop

it hurts so, so, so bad . . .

it’s one of the worst feelings i ever get

i don’t know what to do

or do i, but i just can’t get myself to do it

i don’t know.

and do you know how scary that is,

to not know what to do in a situation like this

but i’m so tired

so is he

we can’t go on like this i know

but it’s almost every little thing

no matter what i say or how i say it . .

it’s never right

it’s never the right way

all this back and forth

on the verge

it’s not okay and it makes me so confused

and scared

i get lost in the dialogue

almost every time

i think so hard before i speak

yet i still mess it up

i still confuse and fuck up the conversation somehow

am i that dumb?

am i that much of a mess up there?

i can’t even follow our conversations anymore . .

what happened to us

no.

i know that i am a powerful woman

but i can’t help but to let this beat me down

i’m terrified

what do i do

will this ever end

why can’t it ever just end

it’s been so long

in just 5 days -

it’s just unbelievable

i don’t even feel ready to celebrate this

every day, every week

it gets more awkward in certain ways

are we falling apart?

i can’t tell.

how can’t i, why can’t i.

i’m no angel but -

he says it doesn’t matter but it does to me

it’s not that i’m keeping score

i’m just not forgetting the wrongs

that’s important

or else i would just be getting used, right

depleted

still

or is that what is continuing to happen?

i won’t ever really know.

trust sucks

it’s the hardest thing in the world

i don’t understand this, any of it

why does it happen

i don’t understand this part of life

why do we hurt

why do we feel such pain, betrayal

why is it that this life is so short but our emotions take away so much time from us

from the enjoyment we could be having with such limited time

i just don’t get it

it’s almost as if . .

it’s hell. on earth.

what else would it be?

it just doesn’t make any sense

i don’t know what to do.. but cry.

and hurt.

and just feel.

i don’t know what else to do.

do you ever feel so reckless and like you don’t know what to do with your own self

out of control

crazy thoughts go through my head

it’s only because i feel so mixed up, so overwhelmed, and just so lost

and i don’t want to talk to anybody about it because then i would just be using them

and i can’t talk to my own friends who know the situation

i’d be using them and then potentially lose them

it’s happened

just now i lost her a few months back

i’m not risking that this time around

mistakes have been made

i’ve opened my mouth too much

but i have learned

it won’t happen again

if i can’t fix this then i at least want to be able to do something right

if it’s the last thing i do.

———————

what if i’m just broken

what if i don’t even know it

what if this is all from childhood trauma

subconscious

i don’t even know it

and i’m suffering the repercussions

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stardustandheart · 4 years

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IMAGED: THE CONSUMMATION OF OUR HUMANITY

at 11:38pm i find myself laying in bed scrolling through instagram.

at 8:46 the next morning i find myself laying in bed scrolling through instagram.

at all times of the day. throughout.

not even scrolling.

what used to be scrolling has now become tapping.

stories. tapping through them.

i find myself picking & choosing.

selectivity.

certain individuals have caught my eye. i look only at them.

why.

why is it that we follow but take no interest.

why is it that we pick & choose. why can’t we admit that we simply don’t care sometimes.

instagram is:

instagram is: the digital photo album with hidden stories.

i used to love scrapbooking- i used to love putting photos in real, tangible photo albums.

it’s a rare breed: those who still do this. most of us have already been victimized by the phenomena.

the phenomenon that i am about to discuss.

why would i scrapbook now? i have instagram.

just the other day through email i received the digital photo album that one of my family members sent out. the monthly digest.

i want you to ask yourself this: when you’re about to take a photo, what is your reason? what is your primary motive? what are you thinking as you take your phone or camera out? what is your ‘why?’

while it seems that tech creators in this day and age are working tirelessly and endlessly to release the most sleek and cutting-edge technology in order to make us feel more “connected,” when it comes to the moment where we are faced with real-life, human, touch-to-touch scenarios, we freeze. we don’t know what to do.

where is humanity.

have we lost humanity.

are we losing it.

is it dying or is it being reborn perhaps?

i’m in no position to claim what is right and wrong, but i am in my safe space to say what i see happening before my very own eyes.

yes you’ve heard it before.

but what i’m about to bring to the table is something a little off that grid.

while some of us may have noticed already or not, we have come to a point in society where we are all taking too many photos and spending very little time looking at them.

consummation.

why do we do this.

it’s no longer about being in the moment but making sure that the moment is suppressed.

we suppress to impress.

the world today has become a playing field. who can win. who can be the best.

more like, who can appear to be the best.

an illusion, remember? hidden secrets.

secrets, all the time, everywhere. nobody can escape them. not even a 6-inch, retina display block of glass.

and everybody has them.

we photograph and videograph.

and we do it a lot.

is it possible, that in the future, we will photograph everything and look at nothing?

this is real life.

and this is the beauty and genius of these ultra powerful platforms like facebook and instagram for example.

it’s an evolutionary process. photography has seen the value shift from the stand-alone individual aesthetic of the artist (photographer) to the social aesthetic of services like facebook and instagram. the future, the ‘real value creation’ will come from stitching together photos as a separate entity of its own, extracting information and then providing that cumulative information as a totally different medium.

everything is just...happening. everyone is robotic.

things like google and alexa, just doing things for us as if we can’t do it ourselves.

where is our humanity.

are we handing it off?

are we bored. do we need to be amused to this degree?

i watched a video recently of a google service that enables you to schedule a real-life appointment. the machine did all the talking- to the real human being on the other end of line (employee at the hair salon in this instance). the appointment was made seamlessly.

as if nothing.

i see it today- phone companies constantly trying to attract their clientele by releasing new features on their products that are just hysterical to me at this point. are we this lazy?

has life become this tiresome and boresome.

i say no.

the fluidity that these big money companies have been able to achieve is almost flawless. it certainly is amazing.

facebook for example, has mastered arranging photos along the axis of relationships and time. making it...just seamless.

incredible and unparalleled automation and computation.

the human dumps stuff in a pile; and the machine takes care of the rest.

photography is no longer so much about the art- the artist- the craft- but about the enhancement.

today we use photos and videos because words are simply not enough.

we’re attaching images to tweets and text messages almost like a period at the end of a sentence.

completion and enhancement. but what about just expression. solely.

machines are smart. but machines are not humans. AI is beautiful and certainly amazing and progressive, but humanity is not of this world and is something that cannot be touched as far as the aura that humans possess and the level of complexity that we can produce.

as i touched on before- while i’m in no position to claim good and bad i feel the need to express my thoughts on this revolution.

will it end before it’s too late or will we fall.

i challenge you. i challenge myself.

live.

experience, take in, and live what is before your eyes.

don’t record- live.

& now... for the paradox. i think there is a paradox in some of the most of interesting situations.

the irony in all of this- is that today, technology failed me.

as i was just about to publish my post today the platform in which i was using to publish did not save my material and as i went back to the post, everything was gone. just, vanished.

and there was nothing i could do about it.

while my focus of my content today is photography and the rise of the digital age & social media influence, i cannot help but to interweave technology of course and how absurd it is that this would happen today.

while my method kind of fluctuates post to post (because i write whenever i feel moved), i tend to first write down my content pen to paper so that i avoid this issue. today though i went straight to the tech.

not to say that technology is the devil- but what happened just now certainly comes to prove that it is not always dependable.

side note.

XOXO- jami

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stardustandheart · 4 years

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SURVIVAL MODE

UA2098 / saturday, june 29, 2019. 07:57 hours. laguardia airport.

all aboard passengers heading to houston. nonstop service.

128 souls on board.

being on an airplane is the norm for some; it’s the norm for me. but the difference is that for me no matter how many times i'm in the air, i am in fascination of what i see when i look outside the window. every time. i can't ever take my eyes off of it.

"flight attendants, prepare for takeoff," he says.

i sit down gracefully. all first class passenger eyes are on me.

'mama universe, hold me and keep me safe,' i silently whisper under my breath, as i do before every takeoff and landing.

all is quiet. all is secured. all is ready.

128 souls.

deep breath in and out, and up & away we go.

as i feel that initial strong lilt of thrust upon separation from the tarmac, i look outside of my little window, close my eyes briefly, take it all in, and smile. i am in absolute awe of what i see, of aviation itself. the universe gently reminds me: "look at us, achieving what man once thought impossible."

a voice awakens my sixth sense.

i hear a noise, i look out, and suddenly i feel warned.

a shiver comes over me. i don’t know why yet.

then it happens. i feel and hear it below me.

every sense heightened. my situational intuition takes over my entire body.

128 souls.

when i hear the words, my heart skips a beat and then starts pounding so hard, as if it wants to completely jump out of my chest and steal my life away from me. but i don't let it.

the power of the mind is one that is unstoppable if one gives it permission to be. it saves and it destroys. all it needs is your consent.

absolute conviction and willpower.

chaotic calm.

noisy silence.

stressful peace.

rocking, back and forth, back and forth, as if we are a big and heavy autumn leaf in the air, just slowly and painfully fighting the unforgivable force of gravity.

i breath in, breathe out...breathe in, breathe out... breathe in, breathe out...because there is nothing else to do but trust.

trust.

my inner voice reassures me that everything turns out okay in the end. do not worry.

impact.

heavy...it's as if a giant hand pushed us down onto the tarmac and slid us side to side like we were a kid's play airplane toy.

128 souls.

i breathe, i listen.

then, i command.

no. a force does. and i don't question it.

survival mode.

all in one millisecond, i see myself come out of my body and watch myself do what i did next.

i did what i had to do, with not even the slightest shadow of doubt.

absolute focus, complete compassion, and calm urgency.

128 souls.

and just like that, less than 90 seconds.

it’s over.

a flash before my eyes. two tears down my cheeks.

but everyone is safe.

all 128 souls aboard my aircraft.

just like that, they're off. i will never see them again.

a shiver runs down my back, followed by a burst of overwhelming relief.

in shock.

it's something that nobody will ever actually comprehend or understand unless they were there in those critical moments in this whole space-time continuum thing.

shaking, crying, and calling our loved ones, we all are.

as we all should be. humanity is pure connection, we want others to know our state of being and we long to connect.

but what moved me...

we live in this big, massive world, of which we've only discovered so little of, yet we take it so for granted. what we care about the most, even before our own loved ones, is ourselves.

we should care about ourselves so much. but there is a delicate balance between honoring ourselves and honoring the sacred space we live in.

we don't know why we're here. nobody has actual proof. and we do not know the true repercussions of our actions, thoughts, and beliefs. there is no proof for that.

we consider ourselves at the center of this glorious universe, yet we so often forget that our lives can be taken away from us quicker than you can fathom. that power is not to be played around with.

arrogance and complete rottenness. that we could live on this earth that way. but we do.

step back.

respect. revere. and redefine.

i'm afraid of some things. i'm afraid of the water. those who know me know that i simply respect the water. because it is bigger than me. so i honor it.

you are a fool to believe that you can walk this earth thinking that you own anything or anyone. or that you could possibly be better than anything or anyone. for everything is an individual entity, and individual means unique, and unique can't be measured or compared.

this earth, this universe, owns you. acknowledge that.

appreciate what it gives you and what it takes away from you. even though we have no answers to the “why,” trust that it is wiser than you and it knows what it is doing in every single moment of the day.

for every thing that man creates that defies nature, our respect must be unmatched.

all 128 souls. on my watch.

jami out, 2R.

XOXO- jami

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stardustandheart · 4 years

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STAMINA

i feel. a lot. and i mean, a lot a lot a lot.

i wear my heart on my sleeve. hell, i wear my heart on both of my sleeves, my face, my head, my whole entire got-damn body. i am a living and breathing, walking vessel of pure emotion. my existence screams "emotion."

okay, so what am i going to talk about today. let me give you a proper introduction first.

hey there, beautiful.

do you like to take care of your body? as in, your physique? you'd probably say that most of us do, right?

most of us aspire to be in good physical condition - we do our best to eat healthy, go to the gym/exercise on a regular basis, etc. we invest much time and energy into our health because we want to look good and feel good. for ourselves and those around us. some of us even go as far as investing our money into working out our bodies with a gym membership or diet plan. today's society has achieved (with flying colors) the pressure to constantly look good; if we don't look good, or if we don't look like the celebrities, then we're just not “good enough.”

just as there is the physical type of exercise, there is another type of exercise that we often overlook however, or don't invest as much thought and attention into, and that is emotional exercise.

what we often fail to remember or realize is that those people on the magazines may look good on the outside (we have photo shop to thank for that too), but how healthy are they really? how healthy do you think they are inside?

imagine how different things would be if society focused on emotional well-being as much as they did on physical attractiveness. what a different world we would live in.

just as we push ourselves to the limit when exercising all of our other muscles, we must also focus on exercising another very important muscle. and push ourselves to the limit with this muscle too.

that's right - the heart. that muscle.

the heart - the literal muscular organ that pumps life through every fiber of our being.

if you know me, you know that i am super emotional, as i said when i began this piece. i often joke around and tell people this; that i’m just that person that literally has no logic. you have the mind and the gut. i'm all gut. i have no sense of rationality. while that statement is dramatic, it's pretty close to accurate. while i joke around about it often, it's basically the truth about me. and if you're anything like me and you're a highly emotional person, you can relate exactly.

we aren't so bad. take comfort in that. confidently wear your heart on your sleeve, and feel a lot of feelings (because they are a blessing, i swear).

those who live lives of deep emotional intensity, researchers have found, seem to have a more complex sense of themselves and lead lives that are more complicated than do those whose emotions are less strong. research has proven that the intensity of emotion is strongly tied to perception and thinking, as well.

apart from the heart being an organ that needs standard exercise in order to thrive, there's also a figurative type of exercise that it needs in order to thrive. what if we dedicated the same care and focus in working out our heart muscle the same way we work out and strengthen our bodies?

because many or most of us have a daily routine or just go through the motions everyday, we often don't think about the fact that our emotional states can also learn new things, just as our bodies can learn new techniques when we exercise.

it rarely occurs to us that we can practice new attitudes, new emotional responses or characteristics to strengthen our emotional stamina, and the great thing is that some of the very techniques used to take care of our bodies/physical well-being can be applied to our emotional and psychological fitness.

below I have come up with what i call the ideal full-heart workout. follow my steps and you will soon gain a new and highly improved emotional stamina.

as a warm up, start your day with self-affirmations to build your confidence and courage.

i haven't done this in a while (i need to start back up again), but something that i used to do and that is really good as a part of this warm-up is to post sticky notes all over your house full of little messages that remind you to stay positive and to remember that you're beautiful and perfect. that you're worthy of the very best. that you're priceless. how you start your day is critical to your overall happiness and how you live each moment, and i assure you that these little notes will make the world of a difference.

another tip that helps with this step is starting your day with a message to your god or greater being/entity.

for the conditioning portion of your workout, throughout the day, check in with yourself as well as with whatever higher power you believe in. have full-on conversations with that entity. for me it’s the universe.

i like to check in with myself throughout my day, silently in my mind. sometimes, i will even talk out loud. it brings me a lot of peace and keeps me on track with my thoughts and actions. simply just say thank you to the universe. be grateful and vocally express that because it helps it become real, as opposed to it just being a quick thought. whoever or whatever you look to, let that be a big part of your day, an important source of friendship and connection, as well as a source of counsel even.

now, for your cooldown. at the end of the day, center yourself with meditation/prayer. it can be anything, yoga even. something to center you back to peace before you go to bed.

there is a 4th and optional phase in a traditional workout. it is the stretching phase. it is separate from the warmup and cooldown phases. the stretching portion of your heart workout involves steps that will constantly stretch and even challenge your emotional skills with those around you. it involves really getting to know your heart over time. below are the exercises for your stretching portion.

be tolerant of other people - be tolerant of their different opinions, their different belief systems, their different ways of living and their situations - and respect their individuality. just respect them.

know the difference between what you can and can’t control: “change the changeable, accept the unchangeable (currently learning this one), and remove yourself from the unacceptable.” -Denis Waitley

act on your inspiration, that "pull" of your heart. we can develop more patience by trusting ourselves more, and we can do this by nourishing those nudges that come to us. listen. to. your. gut. it's there for a reason. don't ignore it. it’s usually never wrong.

eliminate grudges, negativity and anything else that YOU feel is toxic to your heart. this is not as easy as it sounds. in fact, i am still learning how to do this myself. it's hard.

i love emotion. i am emotion's #1 and biggest fan. emotions are beautiful pieces of art in the museum we call our bodies. emotion is a beautiful thing.

wearing one’s heart on their sleeve is a glorious thing, in fact. why? because for overly emotional people, happiness turns to elation, excitement turns to passion, which then beautifully blossoms into love -- only the most important cosmic force in the universe - the bridge between you and everything else. that's pretty magical, right?

but, you have to take care of all of that emotion. guard it, treasure it. if not, it'll get out of control. and you don't wanna be out of control. believe me - i've been there, done that, and i’m still there and i still do that. but i’m learning. and always improving.

i'm a living work in progress; we all are. we're all walking unfinished projects that are beautiful, whether we're highly emotional or not. the fact is though, we're all emotional to an extent and we have to take care of that. in the same exact way, to the same degree that we take care of our bodies. we need to take our hearts to the gym too, on a regular basis. cheesy, but you get the point.

so.

i hope you'll start to incorporate my emotional workout into your daily routine. remember, just as you can make the time to exercise your body, you can make the time to exercise your beautiful heart.

what else are you going to start doing to take care of your heart?

XOXO- jami

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stardustandheart · 4 years

Text

MAKE THIS SONG CRY

on my flight back to my base last night, i accomplished something that i’ve always wanted.

i finally wrote a song. my first one ever.

while i have always loved writing, and while i've always been able to compose poetry, stories, and narratives, i've always, always wanted to compose an actual song--in actual song form. in lyrical mode.

and last night, it happened. it finally happened. it just...came out of me. i saw it all in my mind...all i had to do was turn it into tangible form. so i did.

while i don't have the melody yet, i know it's going to be beautiful and perfect. i just have to say, it was so unexpected. it came out of me so suddenly, it was an experience not of this world. i can't explain it, or how it happened.

what i do know...is that lately, i've been in pain. life isn't always beautiful, as much as i wish it was. i've been going through some shit. and...it absolutely sucks. i hate every single second of it. but when people say that beautiful things come out of pain, believe them, because it's true.

last night, i saw proof of that. i created. i created something. and that felt pretty damn good. because for the last month, i’ve been dragging myself out of bed every morning, feeling a little purposeless, searching every crevice for an ounce of motivation to get on my feet and start my day. to have created something made me feel again. it reminded me that i'm human, and that i have purpose. and a part of my purpose is my ability to turn human emotion into tangible art--writing.

i don't know what will happen in these next few days for me...i am going through a lot and whether you are too or not, i am going to remind you that this is what is all about. this is what my blog is literally all about--that we don't know life. we don't know the future. we don't know what will happen...whether life is going peachy keen right now or not, we don't know what is to come. what we do know is this.

everything--absolutely everything--will be alright.

you will be okay, i will be okay, we will all be okay. you know why? because life goes on. that's the only beautiful, sure thing about the phenomenon of what we call "life."

it. goes. on.

it never stops moving...not a valley, not a river, not a mountain...not a single plate in our planet's surface.

and neither will you.

you, in all of your beauty and splendor, will keep on keeping on.

your heart will continue beating, your body will continue having a pulse, your body will continue aging, and guess what? you, my friend, will be just okay. i can promise that.

so...the lyrics. my song. i want to share them with you, even though my melody isn't complete yet.

these words are words that every woman--single or in a relationship--who has made sacrifices for a man will relate to. i want my readers to take some healing knowing that it isn't easy being a woman in love sometimes. grab some tissues, cuddle in bed, and breathe in every word and just...take it in. feel.

the title is "Hanging by a Thread."

it started on that one august afternoon, i looked at you and knew

something was there, it was like a fairytale

you loved me in that white dress

and i loved you in those wide brown eyes

we fell in love, so deep, so true

but as the months went by and we were no longer shy, the home around our hearts was broken into, like a thief in the night

it robbed us of our glow, our beautiful, beloved glow

and now...

hanging by a thread, we’re hanging by a thread my love

can you feel it

can you feel our hearts beginning to cripple apart

this love is so strong

but it’s not enough

can we bring back what once belonged

you were my nemo and i was your anna

we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other

we gave each other our worlds, with the promise to never leave because we would be fools

we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other

we gave each other our worlds, with the promise to never leave because we would be fools

but as the nights flew by, the stars in our sky slowly died, there was no more light

that thief of the night, it robbed us of our glow, our beautiful, beloved glow

baby, no...

hanging by a thread, we’re hanging by a thread my love

can you feel it

can you feel our hearts beginning to cripple apart

this love is so strong

but it’s not enough

can we bring back what once belonged

i hope that we look back on all this one day

the petty nights, the petty fights, the long and sleepless nights

that we’ll look back on it and laugh because we knew how young and stupid we were

but as for now...

hanging by a thread, we’re hanging by a thread my love

can you feel it

can you feel our hearts beginning to cripple apart

this love is so strong

but it’s not enough

can we bring back what once belonged

or has the thief run out of love to rob...

the end.

XOXO- jami

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stardustandheart · 4 years

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COMING HOME

“you don’t know what you have until it’s gone.”

why do we so often take for granted the very things that deserve our gratitude the most? why do we do this not just with possessions, but people too?

this, is my beautiful, precious family. just look at them. they are…my entire universe. i love them so much that i really can’t put it into words.

when i decided to take a job as a flight attendant back in february of this year, i never, ever realized how much i would actually miss them, and how homesick i would get. i remember when i was doing all of my interviews for a lot of airlines, one of the popular questions was, “what are some challenges you think you might face as a flight attendant and how will you overcome them?” one of my answers was being homesick at times. key words: AT TIMES. i would say in my response that because this job requires relocation, being away from home a lot, and missing out on holidays, homesickness would definitely be a challenge.

looking back…wow. i literally did not have any idea whatsoever what i was talking about. there i was, sitting up nice and straight with a big old grin on my face, thinking to myself, “pshh…yeah, homesickness is real, but come on, this is my DREAM JOB, I am NOT gonna be that homesick.” oh…honey. oh jami. wake up sis.

for the last four months, i have been homesick out of my mind.

and…it has totally sucked.

not just homesick, but absolutely nostalgic about my home. just missing the actual PLACE and aura of the combination of the place i love, with the people i love, with the memories i love. and today, i have come to an important conclusion, despite all of the voices around me that have told me otherwise.

the conclusion is that i just don’t want to do this anymore. i don’t want to be far away, separated from my family anymore. they need me, and i need them. let me tell you more about why i have come to this decision.

living on my own (literally) has taught me…a lot. to say the least. but, one of the most powerful things it has taught me so far is self-awareness and self-process. often being all alone in an apartment has given me the beautiful gift of silence; silence to truly listen to my thoughts without any interruption. this silence can be both a blessing and a curse, but in my case, it has been a blessing.

as i am getting older, i am realizing one thing more and more each day. it’s just like this constant thing in my head that just never shuts up. i see it in so many signs around me every day, as if the universe just won’t let me forget it. it needs me to know, to realize, and to act accordingly.

as i get older, i am realizing how important family truly is. you don’t even know.

family is…absolutely everything.

when you feel like nobody else in the world understands you or wants to be there for you, family. they always have your back. no matter what. while people come and go in this life, your family, the people who have been there by your side from the start, who share your blood, they — my friends, will never leave you. as long as you are living and breathing, even though hurt has occurred in the past, in the very moment of your last breath, family will show up. there are just no exceptions. family always shows up.

and as i am getting older, i am also realizing something else. more and more every single day.

that…this life, is so…short. it’s unbelievable terrifying. i can’t even begin to wrap my mind around it and tell you how in awe i am of this lifetime here on earth and how much it is something that we dare not take for granted.

i’ve been realizing, every second of every day, that i can’t take this for granted anymore, like i have been before i moved away from home. these people in this photo are my rock, they are all i’ve got. shame on me to take that for granted and to not make a harder effort to be with them. we don’t have much more time left on this earth. this life is meant to spend time with the people you love. sure, life may separate many of us and take us down different and tailored paths, and while i realize that not everybody considers family to be this important, as important as i am saying, it would be going against my destiny to not speak my mind and heart on this. to be a voice.

maybe you are in a weird spot when it comes to the idea of family. perhaps your family has been broken, or there has been a lot of damage done that you feel like you don’t really have anybody in your family to feel safe with. and, my darling, that breaks my heart if it is you. i hate that it is this way for you. but this i will tell you: if your family is broken, never lose hope that it can be repaired someday. what is broken can always be fixed if you are willing to go through the work.

but if this is you, if this is actually you right now…feeling like you don’t really have family to lean on, then oh my heart…this is huge, this is so powerful, this is beyond life itself. let this be a call, a tug on your heart…let this move you so deeply that you want to do something about it. don’t sit and think that it’ll all get better so soon. you have to do something about it. YOU are your OWN voice…and nobody, absolutely nobody can take that away from you. guard it, treasure it…love it more than anything you have ever loved.

realize…just realize…how short this life is. it is not fair. but, we have to make the most of it. and family? they are the center, the core…the mover of it all. without family, you are not who you are in this exact moment. because, we all have roots…those roots are all interwoven and keeping us all connected. it is the ultimate miracle of life.

and yes, if you are asking yourself why i haven’t made any friends, or perhaps you’re thinking that i am “still adjusting,” don’t waste your breath. as i said before my friends, i have given my heart endless amounts of patience, chances, and examinations of conscience. i am…complete. utterly. i know me.

perhaps one of the greatest lessons i have learned about myself as a human being thus far is that maybe i am more of what you would consider a “loner.”

people reading this who know me would gasp at that thought. me…being the energetic, happy, and sociable person i am, well there is just no way i could even possibly be a loner.

but friends…this is my ultimate epiphany:

deep down, i know exactly what i want, exactly what i need, and i do not need to conform to the ways of society in order to obtain these things. i truly have tried and tried to be sociable, and to meet people, and it’s not that i am giving up, and i am just not social enough (for goodness’ sake, i’m a FA)…but truthfully, lately it has felt like the more people i meet, the more pulled i feel to my family’s love and care, over any kind of friendship. it’s a longing that i feel. a deep longing, to just, come home. not literally, live with them even (that would be okay too though), but to just be there always. within minutes away. who will be there for my parents when they reach their old age? every day i think about losing my parents, or not seeing my little sisters grow up…i don’t want to miss out. on anything. they are my everything, and being away is just not good enough. so…i’ve learned, and i have finally accepted. that, all i truly need, is my “me” time (time to enjoy myself), my family, and just a few good friends. this…is who i am. at the core. of course, i always offer my love and friendship to anyone in need, but me — really, me…is someone who is perfectly and 200% satisfied with herself, her family, and a few close friends.

simplicity…

recognize.

realize

Breathe in.

accept.

…and, breathe out.

today i have breathed out my new philosophy: family is the lifeblood of joy, inner peace, and unconditional love. it is where life and love begin, and where love never, ever ends.

today, and for every day from here on out, i encourage you to love your families. do anything, anything you possibly can to show them you love them and to let them know that you would go to the ends of the earth for them. they’re a gift more valuable than the purest gold — they are priceless.

take care, and as always…you are unforgettable.

XOXO- jami

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stardustandheart · 4 years

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GRADUATING COLLEGE

[personal]

‘What she tackles, she conquers.’

-Richard Gilmore, Gilmore Girls, Season 6, Episode 5

wow. it's been a while. hello, my lovelies. i'm back. life is crazy.

this is me. i graduated college. yep, nbd. oh, and i LOVE Gilmore Girls.

i can't believe it. i can't believe I'm done. your girl got a Bachelor's Degree in 3 and a half years baby! just how she planned it. i get shit done because i'm a boss!

it's just crazy. it feels surreal. just like that- it’s all over. as all of my friends are getting ready to go back to class, i feel like i too should be getting ready for classes, but instead i am sitting here in awe (still) at the fact that i am done and ready to start my future as a complete adult living on my own and working!

yes, working. because I got a job. and i couldn't be happier. because, not only did i just get a job fresh out of college, but i got my DREAM job with a GREAT company. in just 3 days, i will set off to Phoenix, Arizona to begin my adventure of becoming a flight attendant, something that i knew i wanted to do since i was 5 years old. it's all happening.

okay, that's it. that was my moment to brag. but no more.

lemme tell you something. a lot, and i mean, A LOT, can happen in 3 and a half years. 3 and a half years is a long time. and whoa, i am completely different than i was back then. lemme tell you that straight up.

college is...awesome. and i don't mean awesome in the way that that word is commonly used (like "cool"). i mean awesome as in full of awe.

it's a crazy concept, right? at the age of 18, many of us go off to a new school (often in a new city/place) to study for at least 4 years. but, if you think that getting an education/getting a degree is the main point of college, you are wrong.

think about it. we are basically thrown out there into the big, big world, after being sheltered all of our lives. it's like a survival game. it's literally a real-life survival game. and that's exactly what it felt like for me. when i first started college, everything felt so big and scary...but...it soon became comfortable.

i would argue that college is THE most important phase in someone's life. it is where we uncover the completely different side to us that we have had covered all of our lives. the freedom to be on our own enables us to think for ourselves and to make our own choices. it is where we do THE most learning. mistake after mistake, we eventually learn and we come to our own definitions of the meaning of life and what our own personal missions are in this lifetime. it is where our core values, beliefs, and perspectives are redefined and where we make the friendships that will last forever. the most beautiful thing of all? we create our own reality of the world in which we live in.

college is a beautiful time. whether you agree or not, it is what it is. and, it's beautiful. it's beautiful because it made you who you are. but, unlike everything else that happens in your life that makes you "who you are," college is special because of one thing: freedom. the freedom to look around you, the people, the places, the activities, and to think, "this is my life to make. i can take what i want here, take some over there, and i can combine it in my own beautiful way."

you feel me?

what i mean to say is, throughout my college experience, i loved the fact that i could just look around and think my own thoughts and make my very own choices, without anybody to tell me how to do anything. it was...exhilarating.

i loved college. every minute of it. even though a lot of it was really shitty. the reason i say i loved it all is because it was all just a part of my growth process.

i was fortunate enough to attend a beautiful campus that i seriously adored. i loved my environment. although i wasn't necessarily ecstatic about the energy and the vibes coming off of people around me a lot of the time, i created a beautiful aura for myself that i loved. it was like this beautiful personal little bubble around me that came with me everywhere i went. i created my own reality. life is what you make it.

i started watching the gilmore girls series on Netflix in the Fall of 2014 (the semester i began college), and was still watching it up until my last semester, this spring. no, i wasn't still trying to finish it, i had been re-watching the entire series for a second time. and, it's a lot. 7 seasons. episodes are 40 minutes each. why? because i love it and i'm obsessed. that's why, uhm duh. if you've never seen Gilmore Girls, you cray. no, i'm just kidding, but seriously. watch it. i absolutely adore this show and every time i even close my eyes to think about it, so many feelings of warmth and happiness come because i also associate it with my love, Chris, as we started talking and getting to know each other at the time. for me, Gilmore Girls is more than just a Netflix show. i lived vicariously through those girls, and i loved it. it is sweet, homey, and funny. there's romance too. i love it. there is nothing but positivity and love when i think about what that show means to me. it was a lifestyle, not just a TV show.

this quote means a lot to me, as it involves words that apply to my own self. i am an overachiever, i always do my best to go above and beyond when i am placed in a situation where i am given the opportunity to do so. that is my nature, and i am similar to Rory (who is one of the characters in the show) in that manner. going above and beyond is the only way in which you will get noticed. stand out. you'll see why in the future. and, you will thank yourself for it.

so, what did i do in college? besides party? haha, no seriously. i mean, we do go to college to study a degree of interest. as for me, i decided to pursue a Bachelor's in Communication with a concentration in Communication Studies and a Music Minor in Voice, so i could keep music under my belt.

i fell in love with my major. contrary to popular thought, the field of communication is a very fascinating one and opens the door to many careers. since i am a strong believer of communication being one of the most powerful forces in our known universe, i advocate strongly for the field and i defend it passionately. i absolutely loved going to class and learning more and more about this art every single day that i attended class. the choosing of this major (as well as the combination of my majors) did not come easy, however. a lot of discernment went into my decision. and when it felt right (you just know), was when i made my decision and made it official on paper.

i met my sweetheart, my love, Christopher, in college. we've been together for 3 years now. so. crazy. that in itself is a great plus about my own college experience. it may be the same case for some of you as well, and well, you know exactly what i'm talking about.

there are those college graduates who were involved in a hundred different clubs and organizations, sororities/fraternities, and such. there are those who got to do more fun stuff, like going on a cruise or traveling outside of the country. then, there are those who had it even "worse" than i did. i put that word in quotes because everything, and i mean everything in life is all about perspective. from the outside, people can judge somebody's college experience and say it was "bad," but to that college graduate, it might have been the best time of their lives. or, if it wasn't, they have learned to accept that they still wouldn't trade it for anything because it was all a part of their story. they trusted the process. sure, i could have had a "better" college journey (call it what you will). i could've traveled more, gotten a nice, new car, etc... but, i wouldn't trade my experience for anything in the whole world. why? because it was mine, all to call my very own and nobody else's.

SO. my overall message to you beautiful souls today?

freedom. seek it. be HUNGRY for it. go get it.

create you own unique aura. make it beautiful, please.

always go above and beyond. be the fruit loop in the bowl of cheerios.

love everything.

trust the process.

life is what you make it. make it great.

XOXO- jami

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stardustandheart · 4 years

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WHAT VULNERABILITY FEELS LIKE

it’s just like this… like you’re holding onto something like a glass ball – so delicate, so light, so fragile..trying so hard not to let it break, because if you let it break, then you have to pick up every single tiny piece of that ball and put it all back together again. that could take eternity.

it's transparent. the glass ball is clear. it exposes you. all of you.

it radiates light at its brightest and thinnest wave. it radiates every fiber of your being.

and, it's what gives you power. only you can let that ball survive or break.

this is, vulnerability. and it's more powerful than you might believe.

if we were all to sit down and write a piece on what vulnerability feels like, i bet it would be such a beautiful rainbow of different colors...meaning, there would be so many different pictures being painted, so many ways of describing and alluding to vulnerability. it would be beautiful to see... however, despite the beautiful fact that that's possible, that we can do that and we have the capability, what's also beautiful is the fact that what i am about to write, what i am about to allude to, you will be able to relate to exactly, because you have felt this same way at some point in your life. it's a universal concept, just like love, and just as powerful as love.

we all like comfort zones.

we like to remain inside these comfort zones. why? because man is known to like what is easy. man is known to like what is convenient. man doesn't like change or feelings of uncertainty. man likes what is easiest. and, the easiest place to be is in this place called the comfort zone.

me? i am a big advocate for stepping out of the comfort zone, but only for certain things, making me what i call a "selective comfort zoner" (i think i just made up this term?). although i know that this is wrong, and although i am breaking new ground every day by stepping outside of my comfort zone even more, this is still the mindset i have been in for a long time.

falling in love with somebody - falling in true love with somebody is only one of the things in this life that lets us actually feel vulnerability... to our very bones. it is the one i'll be focusing on because it is the one that i've felt has been the most influential in my life. i have only fallen in love with one other soul, and along that journey with that individual, especially throughout the last and most recent portion of the relationship, there was always this one certain thought in the back of my mind...

i offer a new theory. i lay down a proposition to the table of love and vulnerability.

for me, vulnerability has pushed me to my absolute limits - ones i never deemed possible. i have had to feel and endure certain things that i never thought i would have to feel and endure. those emotions have been so intensified that i didn't think i was built to endure such intensity until it happened.

and for what? all for love. yes, love is that powerful.

there have been a lot of people in my life who have told me to my face that i am an extremely loving person. in a lot of people's words, i am someone who "radiates" love, who "has so much love to give."

it's true... i do. i agree with those statements because i feel it. i feel love run through my body like blood itself... it's what makes me me, it's what makes me feel alive. love. i love so many things and i look at so many things with love.

for me, being loved and nurtured is not only essential but absolutely necessary and critical in order to life a life of love. to love everything around you - that's the key. i have briefly talked about the importance of this in other posts of mine, and as hard as this is, it's the key. it is so much easier said than done though, as with many other things in life.

being the way that i am, long before i even got into a romantic relationship, i knew that whenever i did get into one, that i would love so intensely. i often felt like i would love so hard that it would drain me... a part of me was frightened. scared of the unknown. scared of discovering what my limits were - what i could handle, how much of myself i would give away and how i would give it away.

when i love, i love hard. i’m full of love. i exhaust myself of it. that's how much energy and life it gives me AND takes out of me...

here is my radical theory:

i find that for myself and for those of you who can relate to me, there is only the capacity to love ONE other soul, one other being. to love, to give of myself to the degree that i have, makes me feel in my heart and know in my mind that i can't do this over and over again. it is humanely illogical and impossible. i do not understand people who claim that they do that.

because...

i think that people can certainly "move on," meaning, find somebody who they like and want to spend their lives with better than their prior partner, but think about it. after you have had your first true love, after you have given your full self away (which is what happens when you are truly in love with someone), what more is there to give away of yourself? you already gave it away. that person now has and will forever have that piece of you - that "all of you" piece of you. after your first love, you'll have partners and potential spouses, but will you really love them and give your whole self to them to the degree that you gave your self of with your first love? you can give another portion of yourself to somebody, but not all of yourself and certainly not in the same way as you gave those portions to your first love.

have you ever thought about this?

i know there are countless sources out there that completely disagree with this, but this is my own personal belief and opinion, that for some (not everybody), this is the case.

they say you can truly fall in love all over again, but i just don't think i am personally capable of that. if you feel this way too, let me know what your thoughts are on this.

XOXO- jami

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stardustandheart · 4 years

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8.21.17: THE UNFORGETTABLE DAY

By the word of the LORD the heavens were made, their starry host by the breath of his mouth.

PSALM 33:6

august 21, 2017 - the first day of my last semester of college.

for the last few weeks, the talk of the town (as well as the entire world) was that of the 2017 Total Solar Eclipse. it was to be incredible; an extraordinary event of nature. the united states had front row tickets to the show.

when i saw a lunar eclipse for the very first time, i was in awe. it was beautiful, it was mesmerizing. i thought to myself, a solar eclipse was going to be amazing too, just like the lunar eclipse. i didn't understand what all the hustle and bustle was really about.

when the day began, i got myself ready just like i would for any other typical day of class. i had only one class in the morning and then i was going to be free for the rest of the day. my friend rebecca and i had made plans the night before to meet a local nature preserve, where there would be a special viewing of the eclipse, as well as high-tech telescopes where we could get an even more breathtaking view.

as the sky began to darken a little bit on the way to the nature preserve, i began to grow super excited...i felt butterflies, even! all of a sudden, it was all getting so real. i was about to witness an incredible event of Mother Nature. maximum eclipse in my city would occur at 2:53 PM.

the last total solar eclipse viewed from contiguous united states was on february 26, 1979 whose path passed through the northwestern U.S. states of Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Montana, North Dakota, and Canadian provinces of Saskatchewan, Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec. i wasn't even born yet!

my friend had beaten me to the nature reserve. she texts me at 2:30 PM as I am still driving saying, "it's already happening girl!"

i stepped on that pedal. i could NOT miss this!

at the next stop light, i did something that i probably shouldn't have done, but I just couldn't wait any longer. through my driver's side window, i look up directly at the sun for just a second. i didn't have the special glasses yet, but i just couldn't wait!

already, without the glasses, i could see the partial eclipse!!! it was....absolutely extraordinary.. so incredible that i wanted to look up at it again, but i knew that i couldn't, otherwise, i would damage my eyes.

it's now 2:34 PM and i am 3 minutes away from the preserve. "AMAZING" reads the next text from my friend. i need to get there already!!!

i finally get to the preserve at 2:39 PM. i finally find a parking spot (it was so difficult because of how many people were there; the line of parked cars stretched out to the main road, a very busy road).

i get scolded by an older lady that I shouldn't park where I did - "i'm sorry lady, i'm not gonna be here long and uhmm, there is a SOLAR ECLIPSE happening as we speak!!!"

so i meet up with my friend. she's lovely and sweet as ever and always, and since all of the glasses had run out (yes, that's just how crazy this event was), a nice gentleman asks me if I want to look at the eclipse through his glasses.

as I say say "oh my god, yes, thank you so much!", so many things are going through my busy little mind.

i am mentally preparing myself for what I am about to see.

i finally put on the glasses and glance up to the sky...

in this very moment, as i am typing these words, i will pause for a moment, close my eyes, and recreate my experience, describing to you my thoughts in that very moment as I looked up at the sky.

my god....

today i am small and insignificant. today especially, i am in complete AWE of you... in awe of your magnificence, grandeur, and intelligence that surpass the smallest increments of my understanding... i've never seen something so beautiful and breathtaking as this. THANK YOU for allowing me to take part in your creation.

it was an absolute miracle to me.

in that moment, something like a wave of air - a breeze - came over me and my heart skipped a beat. in that moment, even under the blazing hot florida sun, i felt such a deep sense of gratitude. so much gratitude and overwhelming peace that i couldn't explain. i felt so grateful for everything that I had in my life - my loved ones, the roof over my head, my health. and, so grateful that i had the honor of standing there, seeing this happen with my very own eyes. what a blessing, to say the least.

i can't tell you how amazing it was.

my first vocalic reaction was a huge gasp for air followed by a "WOW." my friend smiled big and giggled at my reaction. yes, my reaction might have been cute and funny, but little did she know just how i felt inside.

the next thing that came to my mind were the lyrics of a beautiful christian song that I love, "Starry Night" by Chris August:

"i’m giving my life to the only one who makes the moon reflect the sun every starry night that was his design."

i didn't want to stop looking at it. for the next hour, my friend and i looked off and on, and every single time i looked, i just became more and more in awe... looking through the telescope was even more incredible. but nothing will be more memorable to me than the first glance i had through the special glasses.

August 21, 2017 is a day that i will surely never forget.

tell me about your experience on August 21st - i would LOVE to hear about it. until next time,

XOXO- jami

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stardustandheart · 4 years

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‘SHE GOT A BEAUTIFUL MIND. YOU CAN’T BUY THAT’ (A SELF-PORTRAIT ANALYSIS)

the following is an analysis of a self-portrait i posted on instagram on October 15, 2016.

money: a treasure and a poison. consumerism is the lifeblood of today’s society in that it is what makes us “happy,” or so we think. it is this deadly cycle of "eat, buy, sleep, repeat." even i myself have fallen into this trap. in a society where i see people constantly letting money control them and their lives, i wanted to deviate from that and remind people of what is truly the richest thing. when i took this photo of myself, i saw something in my eyes that i had never seen in previous self-portraits. i saw pain, happiness, confidence, sensuality, peace, wisdom, endurance, compassion, strength, and love all at the same time.

i see a strong woman. i see somebody who feels deeply and loves fiercely. i see a woman who is both soft and powerful, both practical and spiritual. passionate.

i see my true and beautiful self. internal beauty, a priceless intangible, was my intended message. for this reason, i captioned the photo, “She got a beautiful mind. You can’t buy that.”

i would like to analyze my thought process behind the manifestation of this photograph using some perspectives of Canadian-American sociologist and writer Erving Goffman that he includes in his essay, Stigma. the first concept that applies to my work is the concept of preliminary conceptions. by literal definition, this refers to how society has developed pre-conceived notions of individuals. society is the playmaker when it comes to deciding which attributes define the normal and which ones define the non-ordinary. in my photo, it might be hard to tell, but I am showing a scar on my right shoulder from a third-degree hot-water burn I experienced as a baby. i was only one year old and have no conscious memory of the occurrence. i have learned over time to accept my scar – or “handicap” so to speak – as a stigma. in my personal case, as a stigmatized individual, i deal with the plight of the discredited because my scar is very noticeable, more so in real life. when i am in public wearing a tank top or a top showing my shoulders and/or chest, people notice instantly, almost one hundred percent of the time. i don’t necessarily assume that they actually know how it happened, but it is “evident on the spot” (Goffman 4) that i have this “deformity.” i do not know how many of my followers on instagram noticed the scar, but for those who did, i am happy because as i said before, my intention was to relay the message of internal beauty, despite what physical abnormalities are existent.

XOXO- jami

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stardustandheart · 4 years

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WHEN WE DON’T UNDERSTAND

unanswered questions can be blessings in disguise. out of every experience comes an important realization.

i'm extremely blessed. i've always felt this way.

growing up, i always had a roof over my head, good food, friends, good health, and most important of all, love. so much love... i am so thankful for my mom. she is like a sister to me. when my biological dad left my mom, i was three years old. being at such a young age, i was very blessed considering that it did not affect me to such a strong degree. i was too little to understand what had happened. my mom has made sacrifice after sacrifice to mold me into the woman and person i am today. i owe her the world. she made sure that she always provided for me, and allowed me to grow up in a way where i could see the beauty in everything. complacency is not a word in my vocabulary.

while growing up this was was extremely lucky, it means that i was also sheltered - very sheltered. i have always lived with a fearless and carefree spirit, never stopping to think for a second that anything bad would ever happen to me. sure, i have experienced pain, but only as bad as breaking a bone. when people ask me if i have every experienced any trauma in my life, i have nothing to say. what do i respond with? i am so blessed. i've received a high quality education all my life, i have a loving family and loving friends, and have never gone a day without food and water. people often come to me for life advice. i got it together. i have a strong sense of self and a strong sense of understanding for the way life happens. i am so proud of myself. i've grown so much. all has always been well in my life.

now, i don't understand. anything.

when we don't understand...it sucks. if you're anything like me, you don't like not knowing things. if you're like me - a planner and somebody who likes to know what's going on - when you cannot wrap your mind around something and when you can't come up with the solution, you feel helpless, confused, and shocked. for once in your life, you don't have it together. you are questioning everything. you feel like nobody understands you either. it's the moments when you're in your car by yourself...nobody knows. it's when you're lying in bed alone at night before you go to sleep...nobody knows. you look and look for clarity, but can't seem to find it. why is it that we don't understand things? why can't we? it seems unfair.

all the nights i've stayed up late, all of the late night drives, all of the journal entries, all of the memories i've reminisced... i've realized that no matter how hard i try, i just won't know. and i might never know. but, at least i do know one thing.

in all those moments when i didn't see clarity, i now realize that those were my moments of clarity. the fact that i am full of thought and full of complexity reminds me that i am human and that i am beautiful. it's in these moments when you're feeling the effects of every, single little thing that you come to realize that you are REAL. what was revealed to me during these moments that i know now is that things will resolve themselves. i know that everything will fall back into place. it is natural law. everything always falls back together. what comes up must come down. life as we know it says that what begins must end.

but, i also realized something about myself that filled my heart with a deep peace.

i realized that i am capable of a love so deep and strong. i've loved the woman i've become...i'm so glad at who i have become and becoming today. i am still flawed but willing to learn and i am filled with love. and that is my purpose - love itself. my purpose in this this world is to give, be and live love. i once thought that i was not capable of a love so passionate and deep... but i was wrong.

i realized that even the most beautiful and treasured of all things can get damaged. if they never got damaged, then they would be perfect.

nothing is perfect.

"A diamond is a chunk of coal who did well under pressure."

our minds cannot hold worry and faith at the same time. give yourself time to breathe so you can remember that you have a beating heart. you are alive and worthy of the best. despite your faults and flaws. learn and grow. i just want you to know i am with you. i have a voice and i want that voice to be heard. repeat after me: "it gets better."

we'll arise.

XOXO- jami

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stardustandheart · 4 years

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LIPS

they’re not like most animal’s lips. they’re hypersensitive, and easily-hurt. OUR lips - why do we have them & why are they important?

from the moment we are born, our lips give us the ability to suck on our mother’s breasts and bottles as our source of nourishment, life. sucking, therefore, is our first survival skill. we are born with this skill; no learning is necessary. this early skill lays down critical neural pathways in our brains that associate kissing with positive emotions.

once we know how to eat solid foods and drink more fluids, our lips are fundamental in helping us chew our food and warning us if something is too hot or too cold through sensitive nerve endings.

from then on, we use our lips to make all kinds of specific sounds in order to form our first words. as we grow, linguistics become a very important part of who we are as people. we become more aware of how our lips are not just for our own function, but how they affect those around us through what we say.

exquisitely sensitive bits of tissue, lips are the most exposed erogenous zone, which makes kissing them feel very pleasurable. kissing is not all about bacterial exchange or romance. when we kiss, the instinctive associations with love and security that come with kissing rush to our brains and we experience positive emotions (in most cases, at least).

lip biting… it’s sexy to a lot of people, but why?

love marks of the flesh, the lip bite suggests that there's something wanted, but withholding. this holding back creates mystery and curiosity. the lips also imitate the vagina, so when attention is drawn to them, a sexual invitation is imposed. you may have your own reasons why you think lip biting is attractive or not, these are just some of the obvious ones.

beyond physicality, our lips say a lot about who we are. the first way is obvious: our speech. our lips carry our words out into the world. in this sense, it is our responsibility to guard our lips. they are the very last thing to move before your words come out. your lips are sacred. use them wisely. yo my ladies who are reading this: why do you use lipstick? why do want your lips to look pretty? Is it to seduce? Proverbs 7:21 says: “with her many persuasions she entices him; with her flattering lips she seduces him.” or, do you wear lipstick to simply show off your lips? this is perfectly natural and understandable, because plump, red lips are a sign of fertility and well-being, whereas thin, pale lips are a sign of illness. healthy is attractive.

i’ll leave you with a tip: next time you wear lipstick, try wearing it with the intention of showing off your intellectuality. speak intelligently and rock that lipstick by making everybody associate your lips with your beautiful mind, because “the lips of knowledge are a more precious thing than gold and an abundance of jewels” (Job 33:3).

XOXO- jami

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