me when i have to do another breathing exercise and count to 10 after my mom says the most vile, traumatizing thing to me because if i say what is really on my mind it would make the situation 100x time worse

You know what's exhausting? Always having to empathise with your mother. Even when you don't want to. Because you think it's your fault that she is feeling the way she is, that you should be the one fixing whatever is wrong in her life even when you warned her before she went ahead and screwed it up for herself, having to hear that she feels guilty for all that she puts me through but not actually doing anything to change it, but still thinking I've too many expectations from her cause she has been through so much. I always wonder if I shouldn't be the understanding one and that I should get to throw a temper tantrum and not have it be invalidated by her but I always go back to feeling evil for thinking that my problems are even remotely as hard as hers. I promise myself and her that I will help her through whatever steps she takes in the future as difficult as it may get but when she takes steps back again, I lose hope and the energy to support her the next time she begins or even actually goes through with it . After all this, I still feel guilty expecting so much from her and say that it will take time for her to get past mental blocks and her trauma and that I should be ready to take every step with her whenever she is ready. It always, always goes from being furious to making excuses for her actions and her decisions and I realise how much I keep hurting myself and blaming myself for things I don't even do.

everyone talks about cutting off a toxic parent

but no one ever talks about the pain of wanting a parent but knowing yours cannot love you the way they should

Kate Baer, from And Yet: Poems; “And Yet”

[Text ID: “It is depressing to know a war is coming. / Worse to know the war will always be in you.”]

In the depths of my being, a tempest roars, Rage, an inferno that consumes and soars. A storm of emotions, turbulent and wild, Unleashing fury, an untamed child.

With fiery eyes and a heart ablaze, Rage courses through me, in myriad ways. It's the thunderous crackle in my voice, The searing passion, my soul's own choice.

A symphony of anger, notes piercing the air, Rage, a primal force that I dare not spare. It fuels my spirit, ignites my will, A burning energy I cannot still.

In the chaos of rage, I seek clarity, To rise above the fury, with integrity. To temper the flames, find balance within, And let rage be a catalyst, not just a din.

Shoutout to all the people who...

Are always talked over in group settings

Rehearse what they are going to say loads of times in their head and still end-up with their words coming out jumbled

Take longer to process jokes/people's speech

Just get brushed-off when they ask people to repeat their jokes

Always feel like they are seen as an acquaintance rather than a best friend by others

Find parties overwhelming and feel boring for preferring nights in

Feel lonely but also don't know how to go about making friends as an adult

Feel embarrassed/ashamed for not having friends

strict parents culture is wanting to blast music when wearing headphones but too scared you will get in trouble if you don’t hear your parents call you

Parents be like, "Your generation is always on the phone, that's why you don't talk."

Did it ever occur to you I'm on my phone because I don't wanna talk to you? That if you weren't so critical, I would automatically prefer your company to mindlessly scrolling Instagram?

Taking my phone away won't help. I wouldn't talk to you even if the alternative was watching paint dry. Because you don't actually want to talk to me, do you? You don't want to hear about how your actions have hurt me; the profound insecurity that is embedded deep in my bones; the fact that I want you to stop saying some things because they make me sad and anxious; or any of my beliefs that dare to be different from yours.

No, you don't want to talk. And neither do I. The phone, sir, is the only thing keeping this interaction civil. It's the only way I can bear your presence.

Because if I started talking, really talking, about everything that's on my mind, I wouldn't know how to stop.

And your generation can't deal with that.

Your generation is always on the run from emotions. That's why we don't talk.

Growing up with strict and abusive parents has meant that even now that i know what they have done, and even while im trying to get out, i still get so much anxiety when i have to do things without them. Even when im trying to get a job to get some independence, im avoiding it because im so anxious about having to do anything on my own, all i want is to ask them for help, and let them do it all for me, and the fact that im not even going to be able to do this slowly, that soon im going to have to throw myself into it and go from not even knowing how to use public transport to being on my own in the world is terrifying.

When you have strict parents so miss out on all the stupid highschool/college experiences…..

All your friends are out there, getting their party on, making memories and you are stuck, feeling like you’re missing out on the time of your life. Those lit Friday night parties? Nope. Those wild Saturday ragers? Forget about it.

It’s like you are trapped in this lane bubble while everyone is out there having a blast. You are trying to act cool, but deep down, you’re feeling hella isolated and left out.

You try to talk to your folks, hoping they’ll ease up a bit, but it’s like talking to a brick wall. They hit you with the classic “focus on your studies” spiel lecture. And yeah, sure, education matters, but so does having a freaking life, right?

You are stuck daydreaming about all the epic memories you could be making, all the laughs and adventures you’re missing. And it’s like,damn, when will these prohibition ever end?

I am once again unable to tell if my parents were ever really that bad or if I am actually just an ungrateful brat.

2023 recap!

you were tired and sleepy

lethargic even

Blythe Baird // Dave Eggers

I believe in the kindness of strangers and the cruelty of family.

unicorn_onion

I think one of the saddest things is when you don’t want anything anymore. You’re not in despair, you know you’re not alone, you know it can get better, but you dont want any of it. You’re just tired of living. I’m not sure if anyone can really help at that point.