I thought you were gone for good so I couldn't imagine how I'd react if I heard your voice again. When you called me all I felt was pure terror and I haven't felt that in a long time. When you were in my life I always forgave you and never realized how terrible you truly were. The longer I'm away from you the more horrified I am of all the things that happened when you were supposed to be taking care of me.

You used to take me with you on your "drug runs" I was too young and immature to understand in the beginning but I think that makes it worse. To have your child in a car or home with your drug dealers. I dont know how but I let you convince me it was normal. "It's practically just adderall" and I believed you and ignored the changes you were going through.

I remember the first time a finally accepted I needed to see a psychiatrist and when we got there you wouldn't let me be alone with him. Now I know you were scared of what I could have let out to get you in trouble. Even then you would somehow get him to give me exactly what you wanted so you could steal it for yourself. I haven't seen a psychiatrist or been medicated for my mental issues since I woke up from my nightmare that was entirely you. I can't become you.

You got me hooked on xanax to the point I dont remember much from when it was just us and it hurts so much but I also feel like it's easier this way. I have less to put behind me since I cant recall it. You'd buy me drugs, alcohol, weed. I wasnt much of a drinker but the weed and xanax were extremely hard for me to break. I can barely take pain killers now even when it hurts so much I wish I was dead I have to be force fed them. I can still feel the pain I was in never not smoking my lungs were so shot I was in the er almost everyday but I was so sad and scared I couldn't stand being sober.

I vividly remember the day you tried to kill yourself. You took my sleeping pills. And I found you on the couch. We fought all the time but this time your heart wasnt in it. I took you to the hospital and spent hours alone while I thought you were dying in that bed. They took you away and I was alone. It wasnt so bad until I found out the pills were mine. To this day I hate myself for not just throwing them away.

I could never truly trust you and I hated you for that. Everything from your mouth was a lie. You stole everything from me. I lost everything I owned when I was stuck with you. Including my family and friends. I've gotten most of them back now but it took so long for me to break from your stupid fucking spell and prove to them that I wasnt going to be led astray again.

I did find out you tried to sell me recently. I think it's what broke me. What was your plan with that? I do vaguely remember you trying to convince me I should be a sex worker but I always thought that was a joke. Were you expecting to pimp me out to your dealers in exchange for your fix? I have nightmares about where I could be right now if you did and one of them decided they wanted to keep me. The scariest part is everytime I can't imagine you fighting it. You didn't really care about me you cared about the fact that when I was gone you'd be alone and that scared you. You tried so often to pawn me off on my friends but the second I finally left you wouldn't leave me alone. And I was fucking stuck with you because I was still minor.

I don't know what finally got me to put you behind me but I did and im so much better and safer now. You still haunt me though. Hearing your name makes me ill. People still think you'll change and wont leave me alone when I deny it. They dont know what you put me through.