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August 5th 2022: Mad Scientist Makes Food ‘The Bomb’
“Hello, and welcome to SPR: Natural News. I’m Fox Nightly.
Thank you for joining us on this Friday evening. It’s the fifth of August, 2022, and here’s our top story…
We’ve received reports of... well… to quote one of our tippers, quote, ‘A mad scientist is blowing up large chunks of the Australian landscape and I’m pretty sure some of the fires can be seen from space.’ end quote. We’ve also received other, as of yet, unconfirmed reports that the fires and explosions are caused by rampant fire elementals. Our own Ann Chorman has made the trip to Australia to try and get to the truth of the matter. Ann?”
“Hi, Fox! This is Ann Chorman, reporting live from down under-”
“Ann! We are LIVE! Please remember your last conversation with H R and our public relations team. So, please, do NOT finish that sentence with: policeman, fireman, paramedic, lifeguard, postman, mailman, soldier, nurse, doctor, maid, house keeper, chef pilot, gardener, pool boy, or any OTHER professional that wears a uniform that I’ve yet to mention.”
“Uh… hehe… Fox?”
“Yes, Ann?”
“I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I was referring to Australia itself… you know… ‘The Land DOWN UNDER’?”
“… Oh… my apologies…”
“But, NOW that you mention it, it does remind me of that very sweet animal control officer that I met in Seattle while covering the hellhound story… I still can’t believe those shorts were LEGAL let alone part of the actual uniform. I really need to send a letter of appreciation to the city counsel for that, because there wasn’t much left to the imagination. And I can’t WAIT to-”
“Ann! Australia!”
“You mean being ‘Down Unda’?”
“Aaaaaann…”
“Sorry, couldn’t help myself…”
“You rarely can, Ann… I suppose that’s part of your charm.”
“Awwww thanks… ANYWHO! I had used my local contacts to snoop around for me while I was on the way. They were able to confirm that it was NOT in fact a group of rampaging fire elementals that were burning the Australian landscape, before I even arrived.”
“That was some quick work and smart thinking, Ann.”
“Well, as you know, with elementals you need to be careful. So even the possibility of being around them made me want to prepare appropriately.”
“Very true, Ann. Elementals can be quite dangerous and proper equipment is needed to safeguard your person.”
“Well, yeah, there’s that… but also there’s the matter of additional clothes.”
“Clothes?”
“Fire elementals are particularly bad about burning your clothes right off. So if they were going to be around I’d need extras just in case.”
“Very… prudent… of you, Ann.”
“Well I have a job to do. And I take it very seriously.”
“I know you do, Ann, and we all thank you for your dedication.”
“Yeah… it’s just really hard to get a proper interview when you’re naked, you know? It always gets derailed… And I’m fine with a good railing, but I don’t want another lecture from the censorship, H R, or public relations… All because some fuddy-duddies have a problem with a little skin… prudes…”
“Ahem… so, if it’s not fire elementals, then what caused the explosions and fireballs, Ann?”
“Oh, right! The hellscape… hehe… anywho, the entire incident has been linked to an entrepreneur who apparently hoped to revolutionize the food industry.”
“Did his equipment accidentally explode, Ann?”
“No…. but yes… But definitely no.”
“Could you explain that a bit more in depth, Ann?”
“Righty-o! So… the individual in question is an Australian native with an inclination towards chemistry. He’d had a few run-ins with the denizens of the dark, and through those interactions he apparently had an epiphany on how he could capitalize on an unmet need down in hell.”
“Excuse me, Ann. But, hell?”
“That’s right, Fox! This quirky little Aussie had a dream of serving a new food to those in hell. According to him, when I interviewed him, his plan was to amass hellish currency for future purposes. Namely: research.”
“Wait, Ann, are you saying you managed to interview the individual himself?!”
“Indeed I did, Fox!”
“That’s amazing! How did you manage that?”
“Well, Fox, it wasn’t easy, I can tell you that. When I’d arrived there was an ongoing massive standoff between him and local law enforcement. And he had himself barricaded in his reclusive lab built into a cliff face and SWAT was trying to figure out what to do and the military was just as confused and concerned. So they sealed off the area to limit collateral damage while they figured it out.”
“How did an aspiring restaurateur manage to hold off the police AND the military?”
“With exploding cheeseburgers that created massive fireballs, Fox.”
“Excuse me, WHAT?!”
“That’s right, Fox. Apparently this mad scientist was actually onto something. He’d managed to create incendiary fast food. And the government is apparently ill prepared for explosive ordinance of the junk food variety.”
“Did he say WHY he wanted to make food that’d spontaneously combust? That sounds dangerous… and rather stupid.”
“That’s why they’ve been referring to him as a mad scientist, Fox. But, yes. And, strangely enough, he was quite chatty when I spoke with him about it. Apparently it was a topic he was very passionate about as he rattled on for quite a while. At one point he’d stated that, quote, ‘The point of chemistry is to PLAY GOD! I want to get all up in that, at the molecular level.’ end quote.”
“Sounds mad to me alright. But, Ann, how’d you get past all of the security?”
“Oh, that’s easy, Fox! I just talked with the local LEOs, and made a few convincing points, and they let me walk right in to interview the chemist. And the chemist was perfectly thrilled with the idea of being interviewed on his creation so he let me right in without a single exploding cheeseburger being thrown at me. Which, is a good thing, because these heels I’m wearing might be expensive, but they were made for aesthetics, and NOT spontaneous high velocity evasive maneuvers… like running away…”
“What ‘convincing points’ could you have possibly made that made law enforcement take such a risk with you, Ann?”
“Uh… Fox… remember we just talked about this… H R said I’m not allowed to talk about certain topics on air. They’re worried about fines.”
“Oh, right… message received, Ann. So, as you were saying about the chemist interview?”
“Right! So, here’s the scoop. He needed funds for his research and, well, in this economy he didn’t have many options. The whole world’s feeling the hurt. So he had to get creative. The chemist wanted to create a food that the denizens of hell would enjoy. His thought process was that since hell’s hot, and they’re used to the whole fire and brimstone dealie, that they’d enjoy food that was ALSO highly flammable. Kind of like a hellish comfort food was his idea. Hellish Homestyle is what he wanted the catchphrase to be.”
“I… can see the logic, Ann… but...”
“I know, right? Well, anywho, He did a lot of experimentation with various ways of making normal fast food more flammable. He wanted to get the process down before he bothered with the ‘little things like recipes’ as he described it. So he ordered out a lot, and used other fast food chain’s food as test material. His thinking, according to him, was that if he took tasty food that did well already, all he had to do was make it flammable and it’d be a hit in hell.
He was meticulous in his preparations, I’ll give him that. The plans and documents I’d seen were quite thorough. He even bragged about how he’d found, and used, a loophole with customs’ laws. Because his transactions wouldn’t violate the law because they aren’t from another country, but another plane of existence that the government doesn’t even acknowledge exists in the first place. Which, I’ve since found out, actually checks out… If it’s one thing hell knows: it’s LAWYERS.”
“Hah! Good one, Ann! But, the folks in the booth just asked me to ask you not to make fun at the expense of your coworkers.”
“What? If Larry has a problem, tell him to say something to me HIMSELF.”
“Okay, Larry’s behind the camera and just held up a sign that says, ‘Ignore them, they don’t speak for me.’ So I guess he’s fine with it.”
“Mmmm hmmm that’s right. Good boy, Larry... Wear that sailor outfit, and I’ll bring you something good to ‘eat’ when I get back…”
“Aaaaand he’s gone…”
“Hehehe… but not forgotten… Anywho… The chemist walked me through the chemistry and said the problems with the food being so volatile and spontaneously exploding was because of a chemical reaction that keeps making nitroglycerine as a byproduct inside the food.”
“Was it an unforeseen reaction that he’d missed in his planning stages?”
“Oh, no, Fox. He’s a very bright young man and he knew it would happen before hand just from the chemistry, but he was focused on results. So he took some advice of a military buddy of his who told him to ‘Deny, Deny, Deny!’ and basically just ignored the inconvenient facts as he was working.”
“That sounds counter productive, Ann.”
“Yeah, it does, doesn’t it? But the poor fellow’s whole project was a mistake from the beginning.”
“Agreed, Ann. So is there any indication on when all of this might be resolved?”
“Oh, it’s already been resolved. He’s in custody and law enforcement is in the process of carefully deconstructing the lab while Bomb Squad deals with the stockpile of fast food he created.”
“How’d they manage to get him out?”
“They didn’t, I did, Fox.”
“Wha- YOU? … Is this something you can talk about on the air or will we get fined if you do?”
“Oh, yes, it’s fine. It’s kinda sad actually. You see, after the interview I brought up that he had a major flaw in the logic of his plan. I told him that the denizens of hell ALREADY have flaming food. In fact, that’s pretty much ALL that’s down there. So it wouldn’t be something novel or tasty, it’d be bland and boring at best. And I’d pointed out that his food is so volatile, it wouldn’t handle the ambient heat and would simply explode before he got a chance to sell it, let alone anyone actually even eating it. And though it pained him, he could obviously see the logic in what I was saying. But, after I pointed out that a more sensible idea would have been to make things LESS flammable, flame retardant even, and not exploding… well… the poor boy got quiet, hung his head, and needed some time to himself.
I know a crushed soul when I see one, Fox, and his eyes looked like they’d been through a trash compactor.
I put my arm around his shoulders and walked him out to the police so they could arrest him, but I told them to be nice to him because he’s already hurting enough.”
“Well that is quite the tale, Ann! Thank you for your outstanding reporting and… single handedly stopping a multidimensional crisis of cuisine…”
“My pleasure, Fox, truly! But my tour of booty’s not over yet, there’s a line waiting for the personal interviews I promised earlier! Ann Chorman, signing off!”
“That certainly was an… interesting turn of events. Thanks again to our field reporter, Ann Chorman, for her impeccable job of getting to the heart of matters. You heard it here: a mad scientist turned ill advised restaurateur creates crimes against cuisine, and is foiled by reality and a plucky dedicated reporter down in Australia…
That’s it for tonight’s news. Thank you for joining us this evening on SPR Natural News. I’m Fox Nightly. Stay safe, and good night.”
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July 23rd 2022: Hellhounds Take a Bite Out of Crime in Seattle
“Hello, and welcome to SPR: Natural News. I’m Fox Nightly.
Thank you for joining us on this Saturday night. It’s the twenty-third of July, 2022, and here’s our top story…
We have received reports of an incident in Seattle, Washington involving the apparent rampage of a group of hellhounds. Our own talented investigative reporter, Ann Chorman, has been looking into the matter ever since. We now send you over to her, live in the field, Ann?”
“Thanks, Fox! This is Ann Chorman, reporting live from near the scene of the incident last night. I thoroughly questioned each and every officer involved with this case to get to their bottom- I mean, the bottom of this… Except one, he was married and declined a private interview out of respect for his wife. And I can respect that-”
“Uhhh Ann? About the hellhounds?”
“Oh! Yes. Sorry… Anywho… this seems to be a case of normal crime being mixed with paranormal activities and, as you know Fox, that rarely ends well.”
“Indeed, Ann, there are many movies based on folk lore of real life events where just such things happen.”
“Yes, and like the man who stole from leprechauns and ended up terrorized and running naked through the streets of Fort Lauderdale, the lady at the center of this fiasco threaded where she shouldn’t have.”
“Was it another case of a novice summoning demons and them getting out of control?”
“Oh, no! In fact, Fox, the owner of these hellhounds had them entirely legally. According to my sources, they were acquired through the proper adoption channels, they’ve all been certified, and they all have their own sealing cages where they can’t run amok when they’re bored and their master’s out. After all, like any creature, enrichment is important for physical and mental health. And hellhounds, while adorable, are a very high maintenance pet.”
“Ann, forgive me for interrupting, but if they were properly certified and confined, then how did they manage to escape? Did the cages fail?”
“Great question, Fox! Actually, NO! The cages had been reinforced, physically, magically, and spiritually. The cages in question are top of the line in demonic familiar home technology.”
“I’m sure all of our viewers are asking the same question I am ‘If they can’t get out on their own, then how did they get out?’ Did your investigation reveal that?”
“Yes it did! After many hours of grueling work, I was able to pin down the answer -and a few officers- and get to the bottom of this! It seems that they were let out, INTENTIONALLY by a neighbor.”
“Someone INTENTIONALLY let them out?!”
“That’s right, Fox.”
“How irresponsible can you get?!”
“Well, that’s only the tip of the iceburg here, Fox. The woman in question, is the SAME one who ended up with a bullet wound by someone who was trying to shoot the poor puppies. Which, a lot of individuals I’ve interviewed have seen that portion as ‘Karma served’ as bad as that sounds.”
“Quite. Although I can understand their feelings given the situation. Do you have anything else to elaborate on this?”
“Well, the woman in question had apparently broke into the apartment that contained the hellhounds. And then proceeded to steal a lot of high end property from it. And, for no reason anyone’s been able to explain, she then let the dogs out.”
“Oh, I can see where this is going, Ann.”
“That’s right, Fox. We now KNOW who lets the dogs out. The hellhounds, being freed from their confinement, must have sensed the intruder and knew what she’d done. And, being familiars, they would have been VERY upset about someone stealing from their master. And, as a result, ran amok. Multiple people received bites, but none of them were serious. The crazy thief ended up in the hospital when the apartment manager tried to shoot one of the hellhounds, and hit the woman instead. But everyone’s fine and the woman is currently in the hospital pending begin taken to jail on a variety of charges.”
“Is there any indication on why she was doing these hijinks, Ann?”
“There’s a lot of speculation on that topic, but very few have any real idea on the matter.”
“And what about your special sources, Ann?”
“Oh, Fox, you know me so well! Yes, I’ve made a few inquiries to a few of my SPECIAL friends… and they’ve let me in on a rather juicy scoop.”
“Oh, I know that tone, Ann, what do you have for us?”
“Well, Fox, according to my SPECIAL sources… the lady in question has run afoul of the Fae.”
“Oh no.”
“That’s right, Fox. And apparently it wasn’t just ONE… She rather peeved off a few, and though my sources weren’t able to give me the specifics, they informed me that she’s been punished with a few unenviable quirks.”
“Such as?”
“Well, from what I understand, and makes sense from this case, her short term memory’s been made sporadic, like she has the worst case of ADHD imaginable… and on top of that they’ve given her some form of Gremlin’s Curse.”
“Well that’d explain the kleptomania and chaotic actions, Ann.”
“Indeed, Fox! And there’s no telling how long the gremlins will continue to make her life miserable.”
“Well, as far as my own knowledge goes, until she atones for her wrong doing.”
“That’s right, Fox. However, with her regularly causing more problems, because of the Gremlin’s Curse, she’s going to be fighting an uphill battle in that regard.”
“An unenviable position to be in, indeed, Ann.”
“That’s right, Fox! Sucks to be her!”
“Uh, Ann, we’re still live.”
“Oh, well… Speaking of… There’s a line of hunky paramedics that have promised to give me a once over. So I’ll be heading off for now! This is Ann Chorman, live in Seattle, Washington, signing off.”
“Yes… well… ahem… Thank you for that enlightening report, Ann… Well, there you have it, you heard it here. A thief unleashes more than she’d bargained for in Seattle, Washington, and a group of hellhounds take a bite out of crime… and several others… That’s tonight’s news. Thank you for joining us on SPR Natural News. I’m Fox Nightly. Stay safe, and goodnight.”
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April 12th 2015: Strange Blob in Pacific Ocean
“Hello, and welcome to SPR: Natural News. I'm Fox Nightly.
Thank you for joining us on this Sunday night. It’s the twelfth of April, 2015, and here’s our top story…
Researchers have been studying a strange section of the Pacific Ocean that seems to be much warmer than the surrounding areas. They have been going through a variety of tests and hypothesis, to no avail. But, after bringing in a group of specialists, they believe they have finally cracked the case… Right Ann?”
“Right, Fox! This is Ann Chorman, live and on location in the middle of the Pacific. For as far as the eye can see there are hardworking men who, apparently, have nothing better to do with their time than work out shirtless and maintain their golden tan-“
“Ann, FOCUS. About the hot sea?”
“Oh yes… it’s definitely a sea of hotties…”
“Ann…”
“Oh! Sorry! Right… Anywho… This brave crew has been out here for over a year straight helping with the research effort. After a few specialists were added to the roster, they were able to make some REAL progress!”
“Okay, so, what have they found?”
“Well, Fox, upon arrival the specialists already had a strong hunch of what was causing the issue, but ran a few of their own tests to confirm. It only took them a couple days, and a few buckets, to confirm their suspicions.”
“Buckets?”
“Oh yes. It really seems to like buckets.”
“Wait… ‘it’? Just what’s down there, Ann?”
“A jelly.”
“A jelly? You mean the mindless eats anything kind of creature?”
“Fox, not ALL jellies are the same, and there’s been no proof of their mindlessness. They react to stimuli, and other things and have been, for a long time in fact, declared alive… just because they don’t have a distinguishable anatomy, or nervous system, doesn’t mean they are mindless. Remember, a Starfish doesn’t have a brain either.”
“You’re right, Ann. Point conceded… So what’s so special about this particular jelly?”
“For starters, it’s bigger than some countries…”
“WHAT?!”
“That is not an exaggeration. While they can’t exactly determine its EXACT size, they have a pretty good estimate of its perimeter… and it is certainly colossal.”
“Ann, I must say, you are rather calm considering the situation.”
“Well, Fox, this particular jelly isn’t a direct threat to me, the crew, or the ship. If it was, the ship would have been devoured long ago. No, it seems to have a particular diet… although it does seem to enjoy the random bucket…”
“Ann, you said it wasn’t a ‘direct’ threat? What did you mean by that?”
“Wow Fox, good ear! YES, I did phrase it that way intentionally. After a long discussion with the collective group of researchers, I have learned that the jelly has been rather destructive, without even trying. You see… it’s make up is denser than the surrounding water, and it is highly nonconductive of heat. These traits have caused it to be much warmer than the surrounding water by a mixture of processes… and then retaining that heat for much longer than the water. By unnaturally heating the air passing over, it can be directly attributed to BOTH the heavy droughts on the American West Coast, and the heavy SNOWS that the East Coast experienced this past winter.”
“A JELLY caused all this?! How did it get there? Any theories to that?”
“They have a couple working theories. But, the leading theory is that it was spontaneously created by a mix of toxic waste dumping, and the great trash flotilla in the Pacific. With these unique conditions it seems to be feeding off of the plankton that are able to produce at a rate that is only slightly slower than the jelly’s consumption. This, along with the fact that marine life are avoiding the entire region, mean the jelly’s life is already in the decline. They have already marked the size is decreasing, but had no explanation for that until the specialists arrived and were able to tell them exactly what they were dealing with.”
“It’s dying of starvation? Won’t it just move on?”
“No, Fox. This particular region has been experiencing some strange events with its oceanic streams. That has yet to be explained, top theories include global warming, but nothing concrete. Whatever is causing the flows to change, has made a giant void in the ocean, where things come and collect, and get stuck. Think of the problems with the doldrums for sailors. Instead of having “dead air” they have dead currents to contend with. So the Jelly is stuck here, and it’s already quickly shrinking as it can’t acquire enough nutrition.”
“As sad as that may be for the jelly, it’s probably for the best…
“You’re right, Fox. There’s no telling how much destruction would be unleashed if this made landfall. It could potentially turn into a real life B rated horror movie.”
“Let’s hope NOT, Ann. Thank you for your informational report!”
“My pleasure, Fox. If you’ll excuse me, there are some sailors who are looking forward to an interview… Ann Chorman, signing off!”
“Well, there you have it, a weather wrecking jelly discovered in the Pacific. That’s tonight’s News. Thank you for joining us on SPR Natural News. I’m Fox Nightly. Stay safe and goodnight.”
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April 11th 2015: Naked Traffic Jam
“Hello, and welcome to SPR: Natural News. I'm Fox Nightly.
Thank you for joining us on this Saturday night. It’s the eleventh of April, 2015, and here’s our top story…
We’re receiving reports of naked men running through the streets of-”
“I’m there! Ann Chorman on location in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Yes, Fox, I received word not long ago of this and got here as fast as I could.”
“Wow Ann, you- you really got there fast.”
“Of course, Fox. Who wouldn’t want to cover naked men running in the streets?”
“Well… thank you for your… dedication… Ann. I know you haven’t been there all that long, but what do you know so far about this developing story?”
“Quite a bit, actually. Sadly, the initial reports were a bit off from the facts I uncovered since I got here.”
“How so, Ann?”
“Well, for starters… The extent of the story was a bit… exaggerated… It wasn’t a group of men, as I was so tragically MISINFORMED it was. It was simply a single individual who was running around naked in the streets. And, before you say anything, it wasn't ME! He'd be too exhausted to move, let alone RUN away, if it was... hehe… Police were able to corral and capture him. Before I even got here, actually.”
“Well that certainly is shocking, Ann.”
“Oh, I’m not worried. I didn’t miss anything, apparently. He isn’t exactly cover of GQ material, if you know what I mean.”
“That’s… not what I meant, Ann.”
“Oh, right. Anywho… The homely streaker said he was running away from people who were trying to kill him. He also said the would-be murders are the ones who stole his clothes and were chasing after him. However, and here’s the interesting part… No one was able to see his supposed pursuers….”
“Now that IS interesting, Ann. Could it have been some sort of hex placed on him? Or maybe something more mundane, like mind altering substances?”
“Oh I’ve already solved that. As you already know, and I’m sure many of our viewers do as well, it’s a rather trivial matter for quite a few beings to be completely invisible to the general public. Most can even choose if specific people can see them…”
“Right, Ann, and in some cases, there are a few exceptional individuals that may see them even if they want to be invisible. Is that what happened here?”
“No, Mr. streaker is rather mundane. However, he apparently made a mistake, and that caused this entire situation.”
“What kind of mistake could lead someone to scream about someone trying to murder him while running through traffic naked?”
“Leprechauns, Fox.”
“Leprechauns?”
“That’s right, Fox. I actually found them, and got a chance to talk with them. At least, once I got them to stop laughing. Apparently, the individual in question tried to steal some of their gold. They decided to pull a prank, and snatched his clothes, which was an easy feat considering their magical abilities.”
“Oh, I can see where this is going, Ann.
“Right, Fox. Basically they kept chasing after him, tormenting him, and making the general public think he was a lunatic because he was the only one that could see them chasing him. And, since he did run through the streets in his birthday suit, he’s looking at some time behind bars. Especially since this region’s officials don’t officially recognize the existence of most beings they dub ‘mythological.’ Which is rather sad and closed minded…”
“I whole heartedly agree, Ann. That stance probably won’t change, until there’s enough instances that they can’t ignore the pile on their desk… What about the leprechauns? Did they get their property back?”
“They certainly did, Fox! They had standard ‘return to sender’ enchantments on their gold, so it was returned to the respective pots as soon as it got a certain distance away.”
“And they STILL stripped the guy naked and got him sent to a psychiatric clinic?”
“That’s right, Fox. They aren’t just Leprechauns, they’re South Beach Leprechauns… don’t nobody mess with a South Beach Leprechaun… NOBODY.”
“Oh, yes. I could see how that could have ended VERY badly for him.”
“That’s right, Fox. Anywho, I have more investigating to do and a train to catch!”
“You taking Amtrak back to the studio?”
“What? NO! That’d take forever! What are you talking about? I always fly, you know that… Ann Chorman, signing off!”
“Well, there you have it. That’s tonight’s News. Thank you for joining us on SPR Natural News. I’m Fox Nightly. Stay safe and goodnight.”
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April 10th 2015: Mysterious Fires in China
"Hello, and welcome to SPR: Natural News. I'm Fox Nightly.
Thank you for joining us on this Friday night. It’s the tenth of April, 2015, and here’s our top story…
There are reports of strange fires in the underground of a mountain in China. A special team of investigators have been dispatched. Our own Ann Chorman is on the scene.”
“Thanks Fox. I’m Ann Chorman reporting live from… some Chinese mountain range…”
“Wait, Ann, weren’t you just in Florida yesterday?”
“Yes I was Fox! I still have sand in places that shouldn’t be mentioned on tv… or at least I’m told I’m not supposed to talk about it.”
“Wow Ann, you certainly get around!”
“You say that like you’re surprised. I mean you know I’m- Oh! Wait! You mean hopping halfway around the world? Yeah, I’m really up the frequent flyer miles!”
“Ahem, Ann?”
“Yes Fox?”
“About the mysterious fires?”
“Oh! Yes! Anywho… A sinkhole appeared in the side of the mountain, and hot flames are indeed pouring out of it.”
“Have you been able to locate the source?”
“Well Fox, that’s where things get a little tricky… Similar to our little event yesterday, we have a rather mundane explanation…”
“An inconsiderate smoker throwing their lit butt in a rubbish pile?”
“Actually it’s far more interesting. Looking into the area I discovered that this is an old coal mine. The coal mine itself has caught fire, and apparently HAS been judging from some of the statements from locals.”
“How so?”
“Well… Locals have been saying the ground has been getting warmer for a while… and the sight of black smoke coming from the mountain is pretty common… that is DESPITE the fact that this is a non-volcanic mountain…”
“That’s pretty interesting, Ann. Have you been able to discern what caused it?”
“I believe I have Fox! After consorting- I mean consulting hehe… with a few of these FINE investigators… We’ve come to the conclusion that the ignition source was most likely Salamanders, Fox.”
“Salamanders? How do aquatic lizards connect to underground infernos?”
“Fox! I’m shocked! Not THOSE kinds of salamanders… you know… Birthed in fire, FIRE salamanders?”
“Oh, Right. I apologize… How did they get there though? They aren’t native to that region?”
“THAT’S more like the Fox I know and love! You are absolutely correct. They are NOT native to this region. After some digging, and comparing notes, we realized these may be the same salamanders that went missing during transport some time ago.”
“You mean the RDD delivery fiasco?”
“The one and only, Fox! As I’m sure you already know, Red Dragon Delivery service was utilized to deliver the Salamanders. They were supposed to take them from an alchemist in Japan to a breeding program in Russia, but they went missing in route. It seems that, today, we finally have some answers to that mystery.”
“Well, that’s amazing Ann! Good work! Do you know of any plans to retrieve the Salamanders?”
“That’s where things get a little tricky, Fox. The salamanders have all they need underground and, judging from the spread of the fire, they have their OWN “breeding program” set up. The consensus is they can’t be left here. The damage to the local area will be too severe. The best way to capture them, since the current temperatures are exceeding 700 degrees Celsius, is to put out the fire first. Once the area starts cooling down, the salamanders will wonder out looking for warmer habitation. THAT, my dear Fox, is when they hope to capture the salamanders and their young.”
“That certainly won’t be an easy task! Do they have any plans for extinguishing the fire Ann?”
“They have a few ideas that they are working with. Their primary plan is to shut off the oxygen flow by clogging up some of these vents. They have to be careful though, because they don’t want to hurt the salamanders. As you know, fire salamanders are an endangered species and the loss of even one will be a tragedy.”
“It certainly would be Ann! I’m glad to see the locals are putting such forethought into eco-conservation. Thank you for your hard work and dedication Ann! Stay safe out there!”
“My pleasure, Fox! I mean truly! I’m surrounded by gorgeous firemen as far as the eye can see… I love men in uniform… Ann Chorman, signing off.”
“Well, there you have it… A group of long lost endangered species have been located, and are being rescued as we speak. That’s tonight’s News. Thank you for joining us on SPR Natural News. I’m Fox Nightly. Stay safe and goodnight.”
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April 9th 2015: Sea Monster Attack
“Hello, and welcome to SPR: Natural News. I'm Fox Nightly.
Thank you for joining us on this Thursday night. It’s the ninth of April, 2015, and here’s our top story…
We’ve heard some troubling reports of some kind of sea monster attacks along the coast. With it being spring break season, there is a large potential for this to lead to many casualties and, potentially, harm to the area’s economy. The reports were both troubling and… vague…
We sent our own field reporter Ann Chorman to investigate… Ann? What have you been able to learn?”
“Thank you Fox. I am Ann Chorman for SPR Natural News. I’m here on the sunny coast, surrounded by sun, surf, and gorgeous college coeds… but all is not well in paradise…”
“That sounds… terrible… tell us, what have you uncovered in your vigorous investigations? … Ann? Hello?”
“Oh, sorry! Shirtless guys, got distracted. Anywho… I’m sorry but I have some rather bad news…”
“Well Ann, that sounds grave indeed… What is it? What has been terrorizing the spring breakers… Krakens?”
“Nope.”
“Sea hags?”
“Nothing so interesting…”
“Uhh Zombies?”
“Oh please, with the number of gamers and otaku in the area that would have been solved in about two seconds…”
“Ann, please focus… What has been causing all the ruckus?”
“A manatee.”
“Wait… what?”
“A manatee. You know, a sea cow? One of the most DOCILE creatures on the entire planet?”
“I don’t understand… Did you mean Mermaid?”
“No. I meant Manatee. Although, for some strange reason people have confused the merfolk with manatees before. I truly don’t see how, they must be drunk or something if-“
“Ann, please focus, how did you come across this information?”
“Oh! That’s easy! You know, I’m not ALL beauty. I did some investigating, you know, like journalists are SUPPOSED to?”
“Play nice Ann. We all know, and very much appreciate, your skills and dedication to journalism.”
“I should hope so! Anywho… I asked around, talked to some of the witnesses, and watched some of the extra footage. I vowed I would NOT rest until I found the secret! … It turns out it… wasn’t that hard… A group of hunky swimmers had been on a boat nearby when the supposed attack had happened. They were more than willing to have a nice looooong conversation with me about it. And, with the prevalence of the selfie culture and social media, it was a given they had a good amount of footage of the girl’s freakout.”
“Of a manatee?”
“Yes. Just a manatee. I even asked some merfolk just to make sure there hadn’t been any pranks played. But no, the silly girl just apparently never saw a manatee before. I mean REALLY… what is WITH the education system in this country? If it had been a dolphin, she’d at least have the excuse of saying it had a fin-“
“Ann, did they say anything else?”
“Hmm. Well. They DID compliment her commitment to her camera and selfie… She had a selfie stick, and was in the middle of trying to take a self-picture or video when it happened. Instead of dropping the stick, and swimming away as fast as she could, she kept hold of it the entire time… Even though she apparently thought she was under attack by some large creature.”
“Well… I guess you have to admire her dedication… if not her priorities. Well, thank you Ann. I know it was a long trip, and we really appreciate you setting the record straight for us.”
“Anytime Fox! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a beach volleyball game to cover! This is Ann Chorman, signing off!”
“Well, this is rather embarrassing. I would like to apologize to everyone for the confusion at the top of the segment. This is why you HAVE to investigate every issue. I can only image how much this could have been blown out of proportion without the proper investigation.
I know some of my… colleagues… at other stations may not have the motivation to check into this issue as far as we have. But here, at SPR Natural News, we take journalistic integrity VERY seriously.
But, now that you have the facts, enjoy your spring break and don’t forget the SPF.
Well, there you have it. That’s tonight’s News. Thank you for joining us on SPR Natural News. I’m Fox Nightly. Stay safe and goodnight.”
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