Lottie laughed and wriggled slightly until she could continue whisking inside Parker’s arms, “You really need to back up, Carson. I’m in the middle of delicate artistry.” 

parkercarson:

“’course you can take care of yourself,” parker said, as though this was the most obvious thing in the world. no one faulted lottie for her lack of independence. “it’s just that you don’t always have to.” he considered kissing the top of her head again, but instead opted for an the far more annoying and uncomfortable noogie, drawing her in for another hug before promptly grinding his knuckles against her scalp. apparently, now that they were… something, his default was older brother–like annoyances. well, she was going to have to get used to that. he wasn’t always the best at serious emotional talk—in fact, one could say he was terrible at it—but if, when all was said and done, he could make lottie laugh, then that would be good enough for him. “sloth? or lust?” he answered with a cartoonish wiggle of his eyebrows, before he laughed at her faux shock and trailed his hand along her arm and up to her hand, lacing their fingers together. “i would never insult your honor like that, miss brooks,” he winked. “i only meant that people eat breakfast after waking, and i should like you to sleep beside me tonight. i wouldn’t be so presumptuous as to expect or ask for more than that.” and he kissed the back of her hand. you know, to maintain this old-fashioned charade, and not because he was a sappy person who did things like kiss the backs of people’s hands. not at all.

Lottie smiled slightly and considered for a moment if anyone had ever offered to take care of her before. Maybe, but she was pretty sure that Parker was the only one that had ever meant it. She wrinkled her nose and struggled against his hold on her when he started messing up her hair, “Oh my god, you are literally the most annoying person I’ve ever met. I don’t know why I bother putting up with you.” But she hugged him back for a moment anyway, and pressed her nose against his chest. She pulled away and smoothed down her hair, glaring at him playfully, “If you’re going to mess up my hair, Boy Wonder, I’d prefer you do in the bedroom. At least that way I’ll be sedated enough not to kill you.” The corner of her mouth curved as she struggled to keep a seriously annoyed expression on her face. It was a lot harder than she thought to stay upset with Parker Carson; maybe that was why she was still there. Usually, after a fight with her, her opponent would need a couple days to cool off; Lottie wasn’t exactly known for playing nice. But here she was, in Parker’s arms, and she couldn’t even imagine why she was so mad at him in the first place. “Maybe the latter if you play your cards right,” she said, wriggling her eyebrows back at him and stretching onto her tiptoes so she could kiss him quickly. She grinned and squeezed his hands softly, tilting her head to the side. “My goodness, I apologize for the assumption, Mr. Carson. I’m pleased to know that I found the last decent man in the South. In that case, I would very much like to join you in your quarters for the night, and I would be mighty obliged if you could lend me a nightshirt.” Lottie paused and smirked slightly, “Unless you’d prefer me in nothing.” 

parkercarson:

of course, it wasn’t all smiles from there—hearing lottie had been crying more in the past month left him feeling like someone had unzipped his stomach and let everything bottom out, especially when he knew that most of those tears had something to do with him. he hugged her tighter and rubbed small circles between the wingtips of her shoulder blades. “i’m sorry,” he murmured into her hair. “i’ll take better care of that hard drive from now on. i know it’s got some very important data on it.” he tapped her temple with his index finger and met her gaze with a smile in his eyes, trying to lighten the mood at least a little. this should’ve been a happy moment. he wasn’t going to keep ruining it. “as it turns out, you did bring tacos with you. …although they’re probably cold by now.” parker glanced at the clock on the microwave. they had been talking awhile. “what do we do? do we stick them in the toaster oven? i feel like in the microwave they’ll just get soggy.” with a playful grin, he curled both his hands around her wrists and tried to smush together her cheeks with her own hands. ‘ stop hitting yourself ’ - a classic. “i’m pretty sure i’m, like, always trying to seduce you. and i thought breakfast was supposed to come after.”

Lottie smiled softly and shook her head, swatting at his hand. “It’s not your job to take care of me, Parker Carson. I’m a big girl.” Though, if he was going to be her. . .something real, she would probably have to get used to him trying to take care of her. And she would take care of him. It was going to be more give and take than she’d ever experienced in her life, but Parker had proved himself to be a good teacher time and time again. Or maybe, she thought with a small smirk, she was just an exceptionally good student. Maybe they were just a good team. “It’s mostly useless information about Stephanie Brown and snack food combinations, but it’s good to know that I have my dork in shining armor on the case.” Lottie hummed softly and glanced back at the bag on the coffee table. Taco Bell was disgusting cold, but she supposed that she would sacrifice her quesaritos again if it meant that Parker wasn’t mad at her anymore; she supposed that was as close to love as one could get. “I’m not really hungry anymore -- I know, it’s crazy, but right now sloth is taking over gluttony.” She wrinkled her nose and pretended to struggle in his grasp for a moment, a grin sneaking across her lips. “After what?” she teased. Lottie’s lips parted in faux shock as she placed her hand over her chest. “Oh my god. Are you insinuating that I’m going to sleeping with you tonight, Mr. Carson? Why I never. What would people think, an unwed couple spending the night together, engaging in premarital sex. I’m appalled, Parker, simply appalled.”

parkercarson:

it took him a moment to process what she was saying. he hadn’t expected that. he’d expected the opposite. but once it registered—once it hit—he couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face. “what’re you crying for?” parker asked with a gentle tease in the lilt of his voice as he all but surged closer to her, brushing the backs of his fingers under her eyes, kissing her damp, salty cheeks. “i’m right here, okay? i’m not going anywhere. you can have all of that. i’ll give you all of that, anything you want, anything.” he loved her, he loved her, he loved her. and he knew now that it would all be alright, because they were going to be good together. he could tell already. because they would take care of each other and make each other laugh. “look, i’m fine with that. i’m not expecting anything more than that. it’s not like i’m asking you to marry me, yeah?” parker kissed her forehead and brushed his fingers through her hair, tucking the loose strands behind her ear. “you know, earlier, when i was… mad, i was gonna say since it’s late you can crash here but i needed you out before i woke up…” he kissed her softly and tilted his head. “but, all things considered, i think it’d be alright if you stuck around in the morning. if you want, i mean.”

Lottie laughed softly, though it sounded more like a hiccup than anything else. “I don’t know, but I do it all the time now. It’s really stupid, actually. I think I’ve cried more in the last month than I have in my whole life,” she hummed, the corner of her mouth tugging into a small smile as Parker kissed her cheeks. “My harddrive is going to shortcircuit one of these days. It’s a real problem.” Lottie leaned against his chest and blinked a couple times, rubbing her eyes before wrapping her arms around him. It was a lot easier to believe that everything was going to be kay when he was holding her, but there was a little voice in her head reminding her that he couldn’t hold her forever. It was the same voice that was reminding her that she half leaver and half avoider, genetically and personality wise. It had been there ever since her mom left, and after Professor Martin it got a whole lot louder. For such a long time, she hadn’t ever been able to quiet it without some sort of alcoholic substance, but when Parker was kissing her everything was silent. Maybe that was enough for now. “All I want is you,” she paused and grinned, “or Tacos. Both would be a real dream come true.” Lottie’s lips spread into a small smirk and she placed the palms of her hands on his chest. “Are you trying to seduce me, Parker Carson?” she teased, arching her brows. “Because I think you should at least buy me dinner first. Or I guess, in this case, breakfast.”

parkercarson:

for a moment parker considered pulling her in close to him, stroking her hair, kissing the top of her head. he wasn’t good at this part, at responding to people’s pain and knowing something to say that might make it a bit better. but he could hold her, and he could listen, and maybe that would be enough. except—he couldn’t. he wasn’t allowed to do any of those things, because he wasn’t her boyfriend and he wasn’t anything, since he didn’t know if he was a best friend anymore, either. “you could’ve meant something to someone if you wanted to, though. if you let yourself mean something to someone,” he said, even though he didn’t think lottie would take it the right way. “i mean, you mean a lot to me, even though you didn’t want to mean anything to me.” he watched her for a long time, hoping something might flicker across her face. but even if it did, he could never be sure he hadn’t imagined it. he had that problem a lot, these days. “don’t say things like that. i hate that. i hate that so, so much, when people say ‘ i don’t deserve you ’ as a means of not being with somebody. it just sounds like a cop-out, or like some poetic excuse when the truth is something less self-sacrificing. and maybe i don’t feel like i deserve you, either, but i’d rather—i’d rather just try to be someone who does, and maybe rise to the occasion.” he sounded pathetic and accusatory, and he hated that too, enough that he pulled a face at himself and pushed himself off the couch. it took more effort than he anticipated, and now that he was up he had to go somewhere, so he wandered into the connected kitchen and circled the island once because he had no fucking clue what he was doing. eventually he settled on getting a glass of water and hovered near the counter. “just… just tell me what you want, lottie. in general. from me. don’t tell me what you’re afraid of or why you shouldn’t want whatever it is you want, just—what do you want? explicitly.” parker took a long gulp of water before he abandoned it and dropped back down onto the couch, on the other end, because he couldn’t have this conversation so far away from her but he couldn’t risk getting too close, either. “i know ultimatums don’t end well, ever, and i know they’re not a good way to go about things, but i can’t. i mean, yeah, it makes me feel a little better that you didn’t do anything with him, but that’s not really the problem, is it? it’s that i can’t fall in love with you if there’s no chance of you giving it back to me. i can’t keep putting myself in a position where i care way more about people than they care about me because it always fucking sucks.” parker looked at her with more hope than he should’ve allowed himself. “we wouldn’t—we wouldn’t have to call it anything, we could do whatever you want, but i need it to just be me. and i don’t want you to pick me because you’re afraid of losing me or anything like that. you won’t. but if you still want to sleep with other guys, that’s cool, that’s your thing. but i can’t be one of them. don’t ask me to be one of them.” 

Lottie watched him go until he was out of her peripheral range. She wouldn’t turn around, wouldn’t follow him. Not until she could stand on her own and stop fucking crying. It would one thing if she were sobbing, making noise, some kind of purposeful crying. Instead, she just had these stupid, constant tears streaming down her cheeks. She had to run out eventually, right? Especially since, as far as she was concerned, they were appearing for absolutely no reason. Parker wasn’t threatening to cut her out, or telling her anything she didn’t already know -- but somehow this was still the most difficult, the most painful conversation she’d had in her entire life. Maybe that’s because she didn’t have many meaningful conversations. Parker was right, for such a long time she hadn’t wanted to mean anything to anyone; things were different now. Scary different, but the kind of different she couldn’t ignore too. “I want. . .” Lottie trailed off and placed her head in her hands, running her hands over her hair and standing up. If she was going to do this, she was going to look at him. “I want to wake up next to you, and I want you to do that thing where you kiss my neck because you think I’m still asleep. And I want to pretend to be asleep just so you’ll kiss my neck.” She folded her arms across her chest and walked into the kitchen, gnawing on her bottom lip until it hurt, “I don’t want you to be with other girls; I just want it to just be me. And I don’t want to be with any other boys; I just want to be with you. Like, I want to be with you all the time. It’s crazy. I mean, I see something I like and all I can think is, ‘Goddamn, I wish Parker was here because I would be having so much more fun if he was.’” Lottie let out a shaky breath and the corner of her mouth tugged into a small smile, albeit a little scared underneath the hope. “I don’t know anything else, and I don’t want to know anything else. I don’t like having my life planned out past the weekend, so if you’re going to be with me you’ll have to be okay with that.” 

parkercarson:

parker shrugged. maybe she was right, but it mattered to him—more than most things, in fact. he hoped no one ever told him they loved him if they didn’t mean it. or at least if they didn’t think they meant it. he felt the surge of panic that came whenever a boy crossed paths with a crying girl, doubled when she was a girl he cared about and quadrupled when the tears were his own fault. “hey,” he started, lamely, grasping at straws on how to fix this. he was angry and he was hurting and he’d been harsher than he wanted but he couldn’t exactly take it all back, because then that would just void his entire argument, wouldn’t it? should he reach for her? lord, he wanted to. more than anything he wanted to wrap her up and apologize for everything until she stopped crying. “you could never be just another girl to me,” he told her, gently, and cupped both sides of her face. “it is way, way too late for that.” except he really needed her to give him a straight answer on something. because the last time they’d left things open to interpretation, his interpretation had blown up in his face. catastrophically. as much as possible, he would love to avoid a reprise of that … for the rest of his entire goddamn life, frankly. he kissed her back—a mix of both reflex and sheer want—before he forced himself to pull back, just a tiny bit, just enough to look down instead of at her, swiping at the stray tears on her cheeks with his thumbs. “don’t—don’t do that. don’t pity me.” the words didn’t hold much weight when he couldn’t stop himself from kissing her again, though. a quick peck. “don’t kiss me if you don’t mean it. please.” he pulled away from her again, fully, and ran his hands through his hair as he stared at the blank black screen of the television set. “i’m very persistent,” he said after a moment, an edge of desperation in his voice. “it’s pretty hard to mess up with me. i’m persistent.”

Lottie blinked and turned her gaze towards her lap so she didn’t have see how much she was hurting him. She wanted to crawl onto his lap and hide in his chest until time stopped and they could just. . .be. Without labels, or complications, or fear. But that wouldn’t be fair, so she stayed where she was and attempted to hold herself together. Lottie sighed softly and tilted her cheek against one of his hands. “I lost my virginity when I didn’t want to, and since then I’ve had sex with more men than I can remember--” she cut herself off and shut her eyes for a moment as she tried to gather her thoughts. “I’m sorry. This is coming out all wrong -- my point is that I haven’t ever meant anything until I met you,” Lottie said softly, glancing up at Parker from under her lashes. He pulled away from her and she hadn’t ever felt more alone in her life. She wrapped her arms around herself and sat back on her side of the couch; if he needed space, she would give him space. That was the least she could do. In fact, it might be the only thing she could do for him. “Maybe that’s the problem,” she said quietly, brushing her hair behind her ear. “You won’t give up, and maybe you should. Maybe you deserve better.” Lottie paused and shook her head slowly, “No, you do deserve better than a project. I’m going to hurt you, and I can’t handle that either.” She blinked a couple time and wiped at her cheeks with the palms of her hands, staring at the ceiling for a moment. It felt like a long time, probably longer for Parker. At this point Lottie wasn’t sure who she was protecting, her or him. She hoped she was protecting him, because if she had to hurt Parker it should be for his own good. She looked back at him and her throat closed in on itself. She wanted to say yes so badly. She wanted to give him what he wanted if that’s what it took to sleep next to him and kiss him in the morning. “Please, Paker. Please just -- just can’t we keep doing what we’re doing? I. . .need you.” Lottie licked her lips and chewed on the inside of her cheek, “I didn’t do anything with that guy tonight. I couldn’t. I just. . .I just want you.” 

parkercarson:

“boy, if this is you trying to do the opposite of hurt me, i’d hate to see what it looks like when you’re trying.” he pinched the bridge of his nose ( they were the same person, apparently ) and shut his eyes, as though somehow cutting out all visual stimuli might provide him with some guiding light towards the right thing to do or say. shockingly, it did not. but—well, now or never, right? and things were already … bad. there was a good chance there wouldn’t be any coming back from this, but that just gave him all the more reason to lay it all out in the open. “fuck off, that’s not—i didn’t say it because—god. listen to me, okay? can you just shut up and listen for, like, five minutes. five.” in a different time, during a different conversation, he might’ve kissed her to get her to stop talking. only hours ago, in fact. it felt so far away now. “i was telling you that because i needed—i wanted you to know that i don’t just get bored after a month and peace out that’s not—” he leaned forward and ran a hand through his hair, from the back of his neck up and then back down to his neck again, where his hand lingered, pressing into the top ridge of his spine. “that’s not who i am,” he finished, softer. why couldn’t she just know that he loved her? he wanted her to just know. everything would be simpler that way. “and i wasn’t talking about you. i was telling you why i date so many people. it’s not that i just fall in love with every girl i meet, as much as you and everybody else wants to believe that for the sake of telling me i’m an idiot. which, like, yes, i know. thank you. anyway, the point is that i meet people who i think are incredible for some variety of reasons and they are incredible, no matter what anyone else wants to say. so i want to be close to them, and yes, part of that is related to the fact that i fucking hate being alone because being alone is the worst and i’m not ashamed to admit it. literally everybody in the entire goddamn world is, like, afraid of dying alone, or ending up alone, or whatever, but then they all collectively decide that they are just going to be bitter and detached and never get close to anyone, and it’s stupid. but that’s not the point. the point is, just because someone is incredible doesn’t mean that they’re compatible with you, and things end and that sucks but it happens. but i have never once told a girl that i loved her and not meant it, and i haven’t told every girl that i love her, and i know that there are degrees of love, and—” this wasn’t the rant he wanted to go on, even though he needed lottie to know where he was coming from and he knew that this was different. he exhaled sharply and rubbed both his temples with one hand. “and this is different, because you’re my best friend, and i would never in my life have made any kind of move if i thought that whatever this thing i have for you was at all fleeting or impermanent because i wouldn’t risk jerking around your feelings like that. but it’s been there for a long time, and despite all my best efforts, it hasn’t gone away, so just—iust respect me enough to understand that if it’s not the same for you then i need to walk away from this now. and i still want to be friends, i mean, unless it’s too weird for you now on account of… um, all of the above,” he scratched his cheek, more deflated and defeated than angry, “which—sucks, yeah, but i understand. i do. and i need you to understand that i can’t do this friends with benefits thing. i never could, but especially not with you. i’m sorry.”

Lottie stared at him for a moment and gnawed on her bottom lip, wincing when her teeth caught on the skin as let it go. “It doesn’t matter if you mean it or not. It all ends the same,” she said softly, placing her hands in her lap and fiddling her fingers in an attempt to distract herself from the pinching feeling behind her eyes. It hurt, holding back tears. Everything hurt. She’d been holding everything back for such a long time. “I don’t want to be just another girl, Parker. Not to you.” She let out a hollow laugh and brushed her hair out of her eyes, staring at the light on his ceiling. If you stared at a light it was supposed to stop you from crying -- or maybe that was sneezing. Probably sneezing, because it didn’t seem to be working that well. It was so goddamn funny, because for such a long time all she wanted to be was just a girl. She had been the replacement girl, the one after real love, the ‘sorry you went through that’ party favor in a little black dress, the late night ‘might as well’ staring at the ceiling partner, the drunken hookup, the last-minute swap spit exchange, the girl full of laughter and gone the next morning. She had been scores and scores of temporary side characters in the backstory of so many people’s lives, but she had never been someone’s one. As much as she wanted to be nothing to Parker, she knew that she needed to be something more if she was going to survive him. Maybe there was some want in there too. Lottie paused and pushed herself onto her knees, scooting towards him until the gap between them closed and her knees were pressed against his thighs. Her lips parted to say something else, but instead she shut them again and turned Parker’s chin towards her so she could kiss him softly. Quickly too, before she lost her nerve. She pressed her forehead against his and squeezed her eyes shut, like somehow that could stop the tears running down her cheek. “I. . .” A breath shuddered through her chest and she turned her head to the side, biting down on her bottom lip. “I can’t. I’ll mess it up. I know I will.” 

parkercarson:

“of course,” he started, with an eyeroll and a bitter laugh that sounded hollow in his throat. “of course this is all about me, and it has nothing to do with your fucking cliché intimacy issues.” even to him it sounded like a petty response, and he regretted it almost immediately, but he didn’t think it was fair for her to show up at his house at ass o'clock in the morning—after doing god knows what with god knows who—and then insult him and expect him to be fine with it. “i’m not trying to pretend that I’m perfect and sure, i’ve got my own shit, but i’m not going to let you make me feel bad for getting close to people just because you’re too afraid to.” he could’ve told her a lot of things in that moment, about how he’d had feelings for her for ages and they hadn’t gone away, but it all seemed a moot point now. besides, he knew that no matter what he said to her, she wouldn’t buy it. ( ’ i’m sure you say that to every girl, parker. ’ he didn’t. ) “and in my defense, it’s almost never for just a month, and i am almost never the one doing the dumping. but that’s not the point. it’s not like i think i’m in love with every girl i date or whatever. it’s that i see potential. with you it's—” he shook his head and exhaled sharply through his nose. “whatever. the point is, if you don’t have feelings for me, then that’s cool. i mean, yeah, it sucks, but i get it. but i’m not going to be just another guy you fuck when you’re bored and in need of a warm body. i deserve better than that.” this had nothing to do with what he wanted. surely she knew that. surely she knew that he wanted to keep knowing all the most intimate parts of her and that he wanted to wake up next to her and kiss her neck in the morning. but he couldn’t have that and know that it didn’t mean anything, and sometimes you had to give up the thing you wanted to take care of yourself. “we have to,” he shrugged. “that’s all.”

Lottie chewed on the inside of her cheek and swallowed thickly, attempting to ease the ache in the back of her throat. It turned out it wasn’t because her throat was dry -- apparently, she was close to crying. How strange. For a girl that claimed to never cry, Lottie sure seemed to cry a lot when Parker Carson was involved. “I’m not trying to hurt you, Parker. I’m trying to do the opposite,” she said quietly, letting go of her legs. She folded her arms across her chest and glanced over at Parker, and all she wanted in the world was for him to stop looking at her like that. He’d look at her in a lot of ways over the years, but never like this. She slid her fingers through her hair and tugged on the roots for a moment, turning her gaze towards her lap. “Great, so you want to be with me because you were dumped by every other girl in town? Parker, you talk about relationships and soulmates and the picket fence life, but you’re the same as me in a lot of ways. Not a single girl in the world can be special to you, because every single girl is the one. I’ve seen it happen, and just because you think I have -- what did you say, potential? Just because you think I have potential now doesn’t mean you’re going to feel that way in a couple months. In fact, based on countless evidence, you won’t.” She shut her mouth for a second and pinched the bridge of her nose. It was so fucking funny that in her best attempts to keep Parker in her life she was pushing him away, probably for good. There was a hollow feeling in her chest, and she didn’t like that she couldn’t will it away with all her other feelings she didn’t want to feel. “So the point isn’t if I have feelings for you, or if you have them for me -- the point is they aren’t going to last. And I couldn’t handle that. Okay. I couldn’t handle that. So if you want something more, something that’s temporary, then I guess we do have to stop. And I should probably just go right now.” 

parkercarson:

“this is so stupid.” parker wanted—desperately—to leave, but this was his apartment, and he hadn’t yet reached a point where he would kick her out or anything. “it’s not insane to think somebody could be interested in more if—” he cut himself off again; he’d been doing that a lot in this conversation. but he couldn’t, and wouldn’t, say the rest of it, not when she’d stated outright that that particular ‘ if ’ didn’t apply. he couldn’t even look at her, lest he do something he really regret, like cry or something worse. “but i do think it’s a little backwards to think i can turn off that part of myself, or that i’m even capable of turning it off.” not that it mattered, because parker was in too deep—obviously way, way too deep, based on this conversation—before he ever saw lottie without her clothes on. he bit down on his lower lip and rubbed his forehead, then finally turned to look at her. “no. it’s not. that’s not enough for me. how can you expect me to get this close to you and then not fall?” he dropped heavily against the back of the couch like it was just too much effort to even sit up straight anymore and scrubbed his hands down his face, willing that feeling of his chest cavity caving in on itself to just… hold until she was gone. he was fine. he could do this. he’d done this plenty of times before. just … not with exactly these circumstances. “we should never have slept together.”

Lottie pressed her face against her knee and shut her eyes for a moment. It would probably be best if she left his apartment before she said something stupid, something she actually meant. It would be better if for Parker if he thought she was being a bitch for no reason. Giving him a reason, that would also give him hope, and Lottie wasn’t going to responsible for hope blowing up in his face. “This is why it would never work, oh my god, literally this reason right here. You fall for every girl you get close to. You can’t help it. That’s not love, Parker, that’s a sickness.” Lottie paused and shut her eyes again. Apparently, her mouth wasn’t attached to her very logical and very correct brain. She supposed she should probably finish her thought, mostly because once she started an argument it was basically impossible for her to stop until the room acknowledged (or was beaten down enough to lie) that she was right. “I’m not going to be another girl you date for a month and then dump when you realize you just don’t want to be alone. Honestly, it’s amazing what people will put up with to hear ‘I love you’ from someone they don’t even like. I’m not that person, Parker. It’s better that you realize that now.” Lottie stiffened and glanced at him; for someone that was so tall, Parker looked very small. She hated herself for doing that to him, and there was nothing she wanted more than to crawl onto his lap and kiss him until he was smiling again. But, she reminded herself for the millionth time, it was better they got this out of the way now. “Do you want to stop?” 

parkercarson:

if parker burst into flame in that very moment, and then burned to a crisp and died, that would have been fine with him. because that would be better than living with the aftermath of this, the greatest of all his blunders, and the reality that he was too stubborn and angry to apologize or back down, which he figured might drive lottie away for good. excellent. great work, carson. to think, he’d even chosen the word ‘ seeing ’ very carefully. it was the most casual term he could come up with for what he thought they were - seeing, a step below ‘ dating, ’ which was a step below ‘ in a relationship. ’ these things had a natural progression. a trajectory. he thought they were on a course. and he was so, so, so stupid. “why would that ever—” parker paused and pressed his fingertips against his brow bone, trying to stave off the headache that threatened to strike. obviously, he’d left her house after that first, fateful kiss with a very different understanding of what their conversation meant than she had. “what about me would ever make you think that that was enough for me?”

Lottie tugged her fingers through her hair and wrapped an arm around her legs, pulling her shins to her chest. Maybe, if she squished herself far enough into the couch she might just disappear and not have to deal with this. . .misunderstanding. But it wasn’t a misunderstanding, not really. She knew what Parker wanted from her, and maybe that’s why she was doing her best to be everything he didn’t want. He was far too important to her to be anything but a friendly bootycall; it was twisted logic, but it made sense in her twisted head. “And what about me would ever make you think I could give you more than this?” Lottie said, eyes closing in exasperation. It had been three in the morning when she first sat down on his couch, but it was finally hitting her. “Parker, I’m not -- I don’t want that with you. Okay?” Lottie paused, that was harsher than she intended, but it was better that he knew how she felt, right? Better that he didn’t wake up tomorrow thinking he had a chance at something real. Because she saw what happened when he had something real with a girl -- it always, always ended. How was she any different? She was just saving them from a lot of future heartbreak; he’d see that one day. Hopefully. “We have a good time together and we’re friends, isn’t that enough?”

parkercarson:

oh, no. the worst part of this was that she was right, he wasn’t her boyfriend. and, sure, he would never assume he was somebody’s boyfriend or that she was his girlfriend without having an actual conversation about it, but he did assume other things—exclusivity, namely, or that they were going someplace with this—and, well. that was his own fault, wasn’t it? what a kicker. he couldn’t be mad at lottie for his own unspoken rules, but that didn’t stop him from feeling angry and betrayed and—stupid. mostly stupid. especially for the assumptions. “it’s not a nicholas sparks novel. there’s nothing complex or overblown about it, just that when i’m seeing a girl i generally expect that when she blows me off it isn’t because she’s off sleeping with some other dude.” she had to have known that about him. he didn’t think he could’ve made it any clearer. parker carson didn’t just casually fool around with people.

Lottie bit down on the inside of her cheek and breathed through her nose. For someone who supposedly knew he wasn’t her boyfriend, he was sure struggling to act like it. She realized that this could all be solved if she told him that she hadn’t slept with some other dude, that for some reason being with Parker had stopped her before they even got to first base -- but she wasn’t going to say that. Because that was stupid. She wasn’t with Parker. She wasn’t with anyone. “Oh my god, Parker, you aren’t ‘seeing’ me. We aren’t seeing each other, or dating, or going steady, or whatever the fuck you want to call it.” Lottie paused and tugged her fingers through her hair, “You’re my best friend, and sometimes we sleep together. I thought you knew that.” She deflated slightly and tucked her fingers under her thighs so she wouldn’t reach for his hand. Hurting Parker had never been her intention, but maybe if she’d been this direct in the beginning he wouldn’t be looking at her like that. “I thought that was enough for you.” 

parkercarson:

“i wasn’t working on—” parker stopped and pinched the bridge of his nose, because that was so not the point, and he was not about to have the entire conversation derailed by some snide remark. this all felt too familiar, too much like conversations he’d had with other, less important girls and for fuck’s sake, he was supposed to be—past this. of all things, parker thought he’d finally reached a point in his life where when he assumed the girl he was seeing wasn’t out sleeping with other people, that assumption would be right. it wasn’t even like he was being paranoid. the evidence had been laid bare. “it’s not about the time, i don’t care what hour you roll into my place, like, it’s not a big deal, just.” it sounded impossibly stupid now to say that he’d been worried. “sorry if i fail to see why i should be honored that you’re here at three in the morning because you were, i dunno, fucking somebody else. or almost fucking somebody else, until you remembered, oh, right, there’s this guy i was going to hang out with.”

Lottie bit back a sigh and rubbed the palms of her hands on top of her thighs. She hadn’t ever had this problem before; possessive and hook up didn’t exactly make sense together. And even though she knew deep down, under layers of denial and insecurities, that Parker Carson wasn’t just a hook up to her it didn’t mean she wanted to be anything more than a hook up to him. It was better that way, safer. She should’ve known that Parker wouldn’t be able to handle something casual. “Jesus Christ, Parker, don’t turn this into a Nicholas Sparks novel. If we had real plans I would’ve been here, but we didn’t. So I don’t get why you’re acting so pissy.” There were certain times that Lottie knew she was making a mistake even before she made them, but for some reason she just let them happen. “I mean, for fuck’s sake, it’s not like you’re my boyfriend.” This was one of those times. Lotte pressed her lips together so ‘I’m sorry’ wouldn’t spill out and ruin her point. 

parkercarson:

‘ friend guy type thing ’ sounded suspicious enough. he didn’t consider himself someone prone to suspicion or jealousy—if she had just said she was with a friend, who happened to be a guy, he wouldn’t have thought anything of it. parker had plenty of female friends he spent his time with. but the awkward dodginess of it already stilled him as he started digging into the bag, and at ‘ blue balls, ’ he retracted his hand, and instead settled uneasily onto a seat on the couch. “so—what, you’re showing up at my door at three in the morning because you were with some other guy?” he asked, voice already hardened with an edge, stealing a glance at her from over his shoulder because he couldn’t look at her directly.

Lottie stopped chewing and arched her brows; Parker’s tone was. . .unsettling, and because Parker was hardly prone to unsettling-ness it just made everything so much more unsettling. She set her quesarito down on the coffee table and then leaned back against the couch, folding her arms across her chest. “It’s not like watching you work on hentai soundtracks requires a reservation,” Lottie muttered, brushing a strand of her hair behind her ear. “I didn’t think it’d be a big deal.” She supposed if she were a fair person she’d consider how it would feel if Parker came to her house at three in the morning because he had been with some other girl, but she wasn’t fair. And mostly she didn’t want to think about it. 

parkercarson:

it wasn’t like parker was mad. so she was late. that’s fine. people were late all the time, and they didn’t have any real plans, just a text exchange that she’d come over and they’d watch something and probably pass out. honestly, he hadn’t noticed because, ugh, the passage of time until about an hour ago, when he finally unplugged from his home studo to find it was two in the morning and lottie was nowhere to be found. and then he wasn’t mad. just… worried. but he didn’t want to be that person—he’d dated That Person, and it was awful—so he’d shot her one simple text: everything ok? and left it at that. well, if ‘ leaving it at that ’ meant sitting on his couch anxiously jogging his knee  and checking his phone approximately every thirty seconds. in fact, he’d drawn himself so into this panic and worry that he hadn’t noticed when she came in, which only made him jump when he heard her voice. “oh, shit, i wasn’t sure if you were coming over anymore.” he stood and moved to take the proffered bags from her, because he was a gentleman. “you okay? something happen?”

Lottie handed the bags to Parker and hopped onto to his couch, tucking her legs underneath herself as she pondered if there was any point in telling him where she’d been. It was truly embarrassing, on her part. One of her old booty calls texted her, and she wasn’t sure why she said she’d met him, but she did -- probably just to prove a point. She was stupid like that. Anyway, she ended up shoving him off as soon as he leaned in to kiss her. The poor guy had the condoms out on the dresser and everything. “Sorry, I, uh, was with a friend guy type thing,” Lottie said as she reached for a quesarito. “I mean, you should really feel honored. I’m pretty sure people have died from blue balls before.” 

“Okay, I know I’m late. I know I’m extremely late, like,” Lottie paused and glanced down at her phone, “three in the morning late apparently -- but I come bearing gifts in the form of quesaritos and Crunchwrap Supremes.” 

parkercarson:

“hmm. every decision? that’s kind of a big question.” parker tapped in his chin in thought, although his dramatics were lost on lottie—he had, after all, noticed that her eyes were closed, which was not a thing he felt needed addressing. for now. “i mean, like, what i order for dinner doesn’t really have anything to do with my baggage. actually, sometimes it does, depending on how much money i’m throwing away on my inability to cook. oh! my gaming choices. i think those are baggage-free.” he kissed her palm, still watching every line and minute twitch of muscle in her face. “but other than that? yeah, pretty much every decision.” not exactly the charming, confident impression he wanted to give, but lottie had known him for ages, and they were long past that point. he never really had any hope of giving off a ‘ charming, confident ’ vibe to begin with; might as well be honest about his neuroses if it made her feel a little less ashamed of hers. “to be fair, most musicals are kind of garbage anyway, thematically speaking. but in the spirit of musicals, we’ll work on making your life a little less grey gardens and a little more newsies. you know, with the seizing the day and all. that’s a newsies song, right? fear doesn’t mean you’re damaged. just gotta … overcome the fear a little. everybody has to do that, all the time.” parker brushed his thumb across her knuckles and dug his nail into the knuckle of her middle finger, willing himself with every fiber of his being to not ask the obvious ‘ so, what changed? ’ question. if lottie wanted to share, then she would. parker was a lantern, dammit. okay, proverbially speaking. he was chock full of willpower. he was not going to ask. “yeah, well, seventeen-year-old parker was not somebody junior high lottie would have wanted to kiss. i’m not sure how well he would have responded to being kissed by a thirteen-year-old, anyway.” 

“a bidet? really? i’d seem so sophisticated and european,” parker laughed, although he was absolutely cringing, because he was neither sophisticated nor european and therefore bidets still grossed him out. “we’ll work on that. have your people call my people. although in retrospect i realize the idiom i actually wanted was ‘ revolving door, ’ but since i am always thinking about theme park entry and those also rotate, turnstile is what popped into my head. but that seems appropriate, too, you know? like, with a fingerprint scanner and everything. you can’t be too careful about who you’re letting into your apartment. or back into your apartment, as the case may be, since the fingerprint scanner is for re-entry. line graphs would be your shit, brooks.” as she tugged on his hair, he closed his eyes and moaned a little, mostly as a joke—a warning, in fact, biting down on the inside of his cheek to prevent himself from grinning. “you see? i told you to be careful about the stunts you pull. … literally. with the pulling.” parker yanked on a lock of her hair, just to be petulant. this seemed like the right moment to be petulant. light and breezy, that was the parker carson way. “bitter and small and prone to burning people, yes,” he snorted. “i kind of think i don’t mind the idea of you wiggling by yourself.”

he stretched his arms high above his head and dropped one heavily into his lap, the other draping around her shoulders and pulling her gracelessly into his chest, rubbing her upper arm a bit. “well, i wasn’t exactly comparing appearances.” he kissed the top of her head. “there’s obviously no competition there. the brain, though… eh. debatable.” he grinned down at her, and with the two of them like this—his arm around her, hers around him, all mischievous smiles and half-hearted insults … they almost looked like a real couple. didn’t they? like it was possible. “yeah, well, my usual method is to lower expectations as much as possible so that the girl in question can’t possibly be disappointed. and what do you know? i am like herpes, but i don’t have herpes. already exceeding expectations.” he twirled a strand of her hair around his finger. “plus, who said i’m trying to get into your pants? don’t get too far ahead of yourself,” he teased, his voice softening, grazing her nose with his now that their foreheads were pressed together before leaning into the kiss. parker tangled a hand into her hair to get a better angle as he deepened the kiss, slow and sweet. the kind that preceded a romantic montage in a film, although the hammering in his chest hardly mirrored the hushed melody that might accompany her. oh, no. he liked her. he really … liked her. and no matter how much he absolutely did not regret any of this—and absolutely did not want to stop—the truth was, lottie brooks scared the hell out of him, too.

Lottie smiled slightly and twisted a strand of his hair around her pointer finger. “I dunno, there’s some serious abandonment issues in Super Mario Galaxy. I mean, you have to either be the sad sack that gets stuck with the floating Toad or the dick that leaves their friend in a bubble trailing behind them. It’s orgasm denial all over again.” She bit down on the inside of her cheek and glanced down at him, “But thanks – for the record, I’d let you be first player anytime.” She laughed softly when she noticed the disarrayed state her pulling and twisting had left Parker’s hair in and attempted to smooth back his hair. A couple strands sprung back up and she bit down on her bottom lip to keep herself from laughing again. “American Idiot was okay. We should make my life American Idiot if we’re going to make it a musical – and I’m pretty much already there so it’ll be easy-peasy,” and then she smiled again because of course the only musical she’d stand up for would be the one with all the Green Day songs. She guessed she never quite grew out of her tenth grade emo phase – even if she had gotten rid of most of her graphic tees. “You’re never afraid,” Lottie said quietly. He was probably the class clown in high school – maybe it was a good thing they hadn’t gone to school together. She doubted she would’ve understood why he was enjoying high school, let alone life. She still didn’t understand sometimes, but she wanted to. Maybe that was enough. “Or maybe you are,” Lottie added, because she wasn’t a mind reader and she knew a little too much about pretending to be something different than what you really were, “but you’re braver than me. It’s okay, you can say it.” She shrugged her shoulders and smiled slightly, “I like it. It makes me want to be brave too.”

“I think the point of being a playboy extraordinaire is that you don’t have many standards beyond clean and alive. Maybe only alive – but I guess dead girls have fingerprints too, so I guess if you’re into necrophilia we could still work something out,” Lottie teased running her fingers through his hair again. It had a nice texture. She wondered why she hadn’t ever noticed that before. He’d always been hot, but she wasn’t sure when he stopped being the annoying comic sniper and started being the annoying comic sniper that made her stomach clench when he smirked at her. She stopped pulling on his hair immediately and if she didn’t know herself better she would’ve said that she was blushing. But she did know herself, so she knew that Parker Carson could not make her blush no matter how many times he moaned in her lap. So ha. She wrinkled her nose and swatted at his hand, chewing on her bottom lip as her cheeks returned to their normal color. “I’ll keep that in mind for any future movie nights,” Lottie hummed, winking at him. “But I guess that means, since you’re so against two person wiggle breaks, I’ll have to wiggle on my own for the rest of our friendship.” 

She allowed him to tug her against him, simply because it was kind of cold and his chest was warm. And maybe because he smelled nice and she didn’t mind being wrapped up in Parker Carson’s elongated limbs. “I’m not arguing,” Lottie hummed, pressing her cheek against the fabric of his shirt, “Stephen Hawking is everything I want to be – but I’m not a creative. He’s got the best of both worlds.” She was far too comfortable leaning against his side; it felt far too natural, like she could come home and see him on the couch and it’d be so normal to sit down next to him. That was not acceptable. This was the very reason she never spent the night after sex, no matter how tired she was. She couldn’t have people getting the wrong idea. Speaking of wrong ideas – Lottie arched her brow and nudged the tip of her nose against Parker’s. “So what are you trying to do then?” she hummed, eyes fluttering shut. Once they were kissing she forgot she was supposed to be scooting towards the other side of the couch. It was hard to remember anything when he was kissing her, even breathing was becoming something that required serious thought. 

parkercarson:

parker remained uncharacteristically silent for a moment, trailing his fingertip down the center line of her neck until he found the hollow of her throat, brows furrowed with thought. “on the contrary, i think most people do let their baggage dictate every decision in their life. or most. or they at least consider their baggage.” as much as he touched her now, every action felt so small and precarious, like he could only allow himself soft, subtle movements because too much might shatter everything about their moment. it all felt as tenuous as gold foil—just the illusion of something beautiful to wrap around something common. “if you think i don’t overthink every moment of my life,” parker snorted, smiling back at her just as softly as she was at him, “then i am way, way better actor than i thought i was.” if there was anything he did, it was overthink everything. hell, he’d been overthinking this entire time. and it was his overthinking that had kept him from making any kind of move on lottie brooks for a painfully long time, although in retrospect, maybe that had been for the best. maybe this was how it was meant to happen between the two of them—all the time spent bantering, and bothering, and, well, befriending. and, okay, the whole elena fiasco had been a mistake, but in the end, it was the whole ‘ not talking to him for a week ’ thing that had brought them to this point, right?

speaking of the elena fiasco. “yup, playboy extraordinaire, that’s me,” he laughed, pulling a face. “just pulling women left and right. getting laid all the time. not calling them the next day. that’s the parker carson story, right there. you might as well put a turnstile in my apartment doorway.” still, he watched her with a wry smile; he could handle all her digs without complaint if it kept her looking at him like that, her hand in his hair. “that was the joke, duh. obviously it’s not what gets you going. hence the lack of kissing. p.s., i should warn you that hair-pulling like that is a huge turn-on, and you probably shouldn’t let your hands write a check that your body can’t cash.” he bit her thumb as it brushed across his lips, looking up at her with a half-hearted, not quite sad but not quite not sad shrug. “i liked you too much to pounce like that,” he said, and kissed her thumb to soothe the bite—as well as a quick way to draw her attention away from what he’d just said. it’d been an afternoon of confessions, to be sure, but that still felt too honest, somehow. too raw. “even though that’s not exactly my game. although, you know, you are the sun. and a shot of espresso. and every other cliche you can think of, too.” maybe he didn’t love her yet, exactly—or, well, he did love her, but he wasn’t in love with her—he knew he could be. knew he would be, in fact, if he wasn’t careful. “i’ve never heard of these wiggle break things before. but you can’t need three wiggle breaks during a movie. pausing in the middle completely disrupts the rhythm of the film and the immersion of the experience. ugh, you’re the worst.”

was parker laughing at her misfortune? why yes, yes he was, a quiet, resigned, airy laughter. and by misfortune, obviously, he meant her soulless mockery of a disabled man. “maybe not, but i sure think of stephen hawking when i think of somebody holding the secrets of the universe. i don’t feel that way about newton. didn’t he plagiarize everything from leibniz anyway? but i won’t tell if you don’t. the tattered remains of your morality and ethics are safe with me. and the pet capybara i’m going to adopt. they may go against my definition of rodent, but those things are cute as hell. i guess i should have clarified that most mammals smaller than your foot are not that dangerous.” ugh, he wanted to kiss her again. it had already started, the ‘ wanting to kiss her all the time, forever, probably for the rest of his life ’ thing. how gross. what a cliche he was. he grew quiet again as her tone softened, carefully watching her face as she spoke and chewing on his lower lip. “hey,” he started, sitting upright again—because this seemed like the sort of thing you sat up for, even if he was burying everything he wanted to say, as he always did, under several layers of bad jokes. “haven’t you figured it out yet? i’m like herpes—impossible to get rid of, and i come hand in hand with shame, regret, and questionable sexual decisions.”

Lottie shivered and her eyelids fluttered shut, gnawing on her bottom lip as his finger trailed down her skin. She wanted more, but that probably a strong indicator that he should stop. She had a terrible habit of picking precisely the worst thing for herself. She craved dysfunction. “Do you let your baggage dictate every decision in your life?” Lottie asked quietly, keeping her eyes closed. It was so much easier talking to him when she was blind -- there was probably something symbolic about that, but she’d already discussed her distaste for the soft sciences. The soft sciences had a psychological reason for everything. Maybe she was just tired -- did Freud ever think of that? “Okay, so maybe you overthink things -- but I never just seize the day. You know? I just sit around and wait for things to happen. If there were a musical about my life the climatic song would be called ‘give up and go home’.” She caught his hand with hers and ran her fingers over his knuckles. “I wasn’t always like this. I don’t know if you remember, but until freshman year I was kind of a spitfire. Sure I got in trouble with cops more, but at least I was doing something.” The corner of her mouth twitched and she grinned down at him, “Junior high Lottie Brooks would’ve kissed you the exact moment she wanted to -- which, by the way, is a moment I’m never going to tell you about, so don’t bother asking.”

She bit down on her cheek to keep the smirk off her face as she twisted a strand of his hair around her finger. “Turnstile? I was thinking a bidet would be a lot more practical. Just because a night with Parker Carson isn’t anything special doesn’t mean a lady shouldn’t be able to clean herself off. Wash away the shame and the semen, so to speak.” Lottie hummed softly and tilted her head to the side, “Unless you wanted to keep count of your conquests. In that case, I’m sure we could install some sort of clicker on top of the bidet. I could help you with the data entries; line graphs are my shit.” She stared at him through narrowed eyes when he bit down on her thumb. It didn’t hurt at all, but he had to be reprimanded for his bad behavior. Parker couldn’t just put her finger in his mouth and think it was acceptable. Especially when it kept distracting her from teasing him. Lottie wound her fingers in his hair and smirked unabashedly at him, tugging harder than before. “My body is flush, Top Gun.” She arched her brows and released her grip on his hair; she loved to tease, but they weren’t going to have sex in the middle of her livingroom. Not with her dad getting home in a half-an-hour. Lottie paused. Liked her too much, as in past tense. As in possibly for a long time. “So I’m bitter and small? Sounds about right,” she said, instead of voicing her curiosities. It wouldn’t be wise to discuss the extent of how much he liked her, or the timeline. The smartest thing to do would be keeping whatever the hell they were doing casual. Casual makeouts couldn’t hurt anyone. “Shame,” Lottie sighed and tugged on his hair again, “I guess I’ll have to wiggle all by myself then.”

“Newton, Edison -- they were all plagiarizing creeps back then, but Newton was definitely one of the better looking psychics.” She shrugged her shoulders slightly and tilted her head, “But I guess it’s a pretty easy competition, so maybe you should just compare me to myself to avoid this entire conversation in the future.” Lottie stopped smirking for a moment, because they were having another moment. Moments with parker were scarier than she ever thought they’d be. But they were a good scary, a going down a really steep rollercoaster kind of scary. The kind of scary that was a lot closer to thrill than fear. “You’re really not selling yourself here,” she mumbled after a moment, lips tugging into a bright smile. “Most guys try to steer the conversation away from all STDs when they’re trying to get into my pants.” Lottie wrapped her arms around his neck and tossed her hair over her shoulder, humming in the back of her throat. “But most guys don’t have a capybara, so I guess I can make an exception for you,” she teased, resting her forehead against his for a moment before kissing him slowly. Usually, kisses were fast with her. They were fast, hard, and sometimes painful. But this was different. This was a slow, languid, drugging kind of kiss that left her hazy.