“sometimes the alignment you’re hoping for happens when you finally surrender to the timeline you’re in, instead of trying to force where you think you’re meant to be into existence.”

— iambrillyant

Self improvement is great but ultimately? you have to accept your self. Yes you can eat better, exercise more, read more, set boundaries, love your self, but it all comes down to this. Some days you won’t have the energy to do any of these things. And you’ll look in the mirror and think that this is not enough. That’s a lie. The biggest love for self is to live slowly. To rest. To really rest. Have a nap. Eat what makes you feel good. Read if you want to. Embrace yourself and accept that you cannot and will not be ever be perfect. Accept that you are good enough. You don’t need to keep busy all the time. you don’t need to go out all the time and post on instagram. You don’t need to journal if you don’t want to. You don’t need to make art if you don’t want to. Breathe, give yourself grace and compassion. Give yourself the love and tenderness you so badly need. Be gentle with yourself. You are trying and it is good enough. You are good enough.

Lol

Non attachment is something I’ve been trying hard to grasp, and maybe one day master.

The emotional wiring that creates within us the overwhelming need to emotionally validate our actions and thoughts can be altered. Reading about polyvagal theory and doing Vagus nerve exercises has profoundly changed my mind, my viewpoint, and most of all, has helped me to work on stopping my masking behaviours.

Letting go without attachment applies to our thoughts: to the instinctual feeling we may have that forces us to internally assign a good or bad value to everything we do, say, and feel. If we can practice mindfulness in observing these valence checking behaviours, we can rewire our brains to let them go.

Study hard, treat yourself, eat healthy, be happy.

It’s never over until life ends.

"too young to be rushing things; too old to be wasting time."

the fucked up.

I feel like a mess. I feel like I'm all over the place, doing everything to distract myself from the reality I'm in. Maybe I've become delusional just so I could survive just like everyone else. I went with the flow just most adults do, but know I don't belong to them. Whether I'm the fucked up one or everyone else is. I'm just not sure which is which; but someone has to be the fucked up right?

a lot has happened.

I wish I could have write everything; all the things that had happened right after it happened, so that I would be able to go back to it and feel what it actually felt from that exact moment while its happening. I could've express things that only my broken self could. I could've turned pain into art by writing. I could've learned something by re-reading it. But I just couldn't do it. When my chest is heavy, I couldn't move. I couldn't do anything but stay still, breathe, and gather up the strength until I need to get back up to reality of being an adult that goes to work even when I feel dead inside. I don't even know where to start. I don't even know how to put it in words. It's like having to relive it. But I know I need to do this. To let it all out, so I could really let it all go. I just don't know how.

hey, its been a while.

its July 14, 2023 12:08AM. I'm here in the refraction room/office of my own clinic as a type this. Yes, we have a lot of catching up to do, but I'll start with how I feel today; how am I today. because its been a lot. I just finished watching netflix series called Beef. the last episode got me. "You know, you're born, you make choices, then suddenly you're here." "Maybe we're not normal. Maybe we're too fucked up. Or maybe normal people are just delusional fucked up people." It struck me. I remember who I used to be, or what I used to feel. And its still here. Idk what it actually is. Is this depression? Loneliness of having no one by my side who actually understands me or how I feel? The desire to be seen, or heard, and be accepted? Do I want love? Why do I feel lost again? I thought I've already figured it out. What is this emptiness? When will this fade away? Right now I don't have the answers. But I know someday everything will make sense, as it always do. No matter how bad of a joke it may seem to be, everything has a meaning, and nothing is coincidental.

Confront the chaos of being. Take aim against a sea of troubles. Specify your destination, and chart your course. Admit to what you want. Tell those around you who you are. Narrow and gaze attentively, and move forward, forthrightly. Be precise in your speech.

Dr. Jordan B. Peterson

Everything will be okay.