sorority-system
i’m glad you’re evil too
syscourse blog - medically recognized - 19 - endo safe - asks welcomed!
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hey guys. i absolutely hate doing this but i need your help.
https://gofund.me/d0461899
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i'm pretty unsure if anyone cares about this. but considering i did personally meet people in this community, i'd figure i give an update post.
big news out of the way first:
🎉 we moved out of our abusive home 🎉
by this time, itll be nearing 2 months since we've left. it wasnt pretty. not at all. a lot of tears were shed, a lot of breakdowns happened, but ultimately it was good. very good. im happier now.
system wise, our communication is a lot better. the wonders of getting out of home and being on a good dosage of medication! we're not currently in therapy but considering we're moving halfway across the country in 4 months, it's a bit unneeded. i mean, obviously its always needed but i've also uncovered trauma from therapists i've been to. i'm a bit unwilling to go to therapy in my area, at least.
the main thing i want to talk about is that i have commissions open! if you want a gift to your headmate / alter / whatever the new term is, feel free to check out @chocovevo !!! i've come to the point where i dont particularly have a strong opinion on endos / non traumagens. anyone is welcome to commission me.
yep. thats it! i dont honestly know if i'll come back to this account. to be frankly honest, im way too busy for discourse. but youre free to message me anyways.
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something ive thought about a bit is how.. absolutely awful you can be pre-syscovery. youre a traumatized person who might be lashing out at how your life was / is. it stings, it hurts, youre growing into a body you dont fit into. its awful.
be kinder. be kinder to whoever lashed out or whoever hurt in the past. be kinder to your previous hosts, all your persecutors and prosecutors. and most importantly, be kinder to yourself.
we dont fault the people starting a skill at a later point in life for not being perfect. instead, we cheer them on and help them grow. do the same to yourself.
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Not pro-endo, nor anti-endo, but a secret third thing
Really hot and correct all the time (a burden I will sacrifice myself to carry, you're welcome btw)
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Hi! I,, have a question with some specific context that could, potentially, spark some conversation.
I’d say its relatively important to the context to note that I’m also a dx DID system, but im an anon, so take of that what u will.
When our system’s body was around 11-12, our system’s host “created” an alter. Basically like the host had an active role in creating him as opposed to, idk, a regular split or something. What we do know is that this headmate/alter of dubious origin, has fronted in traumatic times and took role as primary protector for years until our current primary protector was reintroduced to the host through therapy. It was also how the host established communication internally with “the actual” system so early, before we knew we were a system.
My only question here is would that be considered “endogenic” origins for a headmate? By all means, we are DID system, and only split based on traumas and survival, but *literally* only this headmate/alter has caused internal conflict for the system, but especially the host who created him (and is still around).
The host originally believed that, when we were first diagnosed, there was absolutely no way that we could have DID because of the active creation of that singular alter, which our psychologist acknowledged, but pointed out otherwise, thru a slew of, like, legitimate reasons (its 12am and we leave for a trip soon, my wording isn’t great, but for some reason, I just cant *not* write this ask).
I, unnamed alter in the system, am wondering if active creation in an alter is possible? I guess in general? It was entirely a form of survival for ourselves at the time to make the alter/headmate of dubious origin, he was what the system needed at that time, but we wonder what terminology we would use for him, or what he would be considered, community wise ig. To be blunt, its almost a validation thing in a way.
Our system is anti-endo. We dont believe systems can form from anything other than trauma in formative years, but the active creation thing seems??? Not a normal experience and maybe, like, invalidating to our existence??? We have alters from before he existed, but he was like our ground zero in communication. The alter that helped “bridge the gap”. The host loves him, and he loves the host. They were attached at the hip until the diagnosis because his existence felt inherently invalidating BUT thats not the point and more venting
TLDR ;
The host actively made a dude in our head who ended up being a main factor in our survival at the time but because the host *actively made* the dude, as opposed to “normal splitting”, does that make him inherently “endogenic”?
Hi, that's normal! And anyone who says otherwise can fight me. Thank you for sending this, it's really not talked about enough.
CDD systems can and do "create" alters, though it's typically not quite that simple once you get into the subconscious.
Firstly, once the development of the sense of self is interrupted in childhood, you've already completed the step that "tulpamancers" are trying to learn. Personally, I don't believe it's possible to dissociate to that extent once the sense of self is developed (I think they're already highly prone to dissociative tendencies, take from that what you will), but CDD systems are already ten steps into the process and it's not out of the realm of possibility (and in fact, it's highly reported) that CDD systems frequently create alters in a number of different ways, including processes similar to willing and creating alters into existence. People with DID already dissociate really good, it's not shocking that we would be able to will a new member into existence with enough thought and pressure. We're just not thinking of it as something similar to endogenic or created alters until it's pointed out, or we understand that there's something deeper at play.
But that's active creation, and now we get into:
"If there's a need, the brain will supply."
This is more based on the personal interpretation of alters in the process of becoming aware, but can be applied to brand new alters.
One general interpretation is based in denial and a feeling of a lack of control, and is similar to active creation.
It's extremely easy to convince yourself that you did this, purposefully and with intent. That you chose systemhood and that you chose to create this alter. CDDs are caused by factors entirely outside of our control, and people will look for, and find, a sense of control in any way possible.
Including telling yourself that you're doing something consciously, even when you're not (loosely based on the same idea as this).
Which came first, the fragment or the need? Was there already a fragment floating around that you helped to pick a name and appearance, and that contained traits that you needed, whether you consciously knew you needed those traits in your system or not? Or did you realize you needed those things, and a fragment came forward to pick up the role?
It doesn't help that alters can be created from overwhelming situations (not just traumatic situations), and the brain is notoriously bad at letting you know when you're stressed and overwhelmed. Not only that, but alters can take years to make themselves known, making it impossible to pinpoint their creation (unless they know, but they usually don't).
So did you really pick that name? That trait? Or was it already there?
The second interpretation is simply misinterpretation.
I have an alter that took a liking to an OC and became that. Again, which came first, the character or the alter? Does it matter? Was I writing based on an alter that already existed but that I couldn't communicate with? Or did a fragment take a liking to the character and traits? Did I look at those traits and think, "I could really use that right now," and my brain agreed? It would be very easy to misinterpret the entire situation to mean that I created this alter, either by complete accident or purposefully, consciously or unconsciously. Where do we draw the line at "created" alters? Does it need to be active creation? Or creation after the fact based on ideas that you liked and wanted? Did you know you wanted them?
--
Mod Quill here to mention something: I also have "created" parts. Again, incredibly normal in CDDs. I also have friends with DID who have parts that "came from God" or "walked in" -- and out of all of those parts, they are all traumagenic, because that's how they choose to see themselves.
The fact that the alter is created doesn't make him endogenic, because based on your description, he's still forming due to the trauma that you've experienced. Now, if you want to call him endogenic, because of the creation process, I don't think anyone's going to stop you -- but you shouldn't ever feel the need to label your alters in that way. You are a DID system, simply put, and regardless of the individual causes of splits, you formed from trauma. You should only be labeling the individual splits if you find that helpful for your recovery.
This alter's creation doesn't invalidate your diagnosis, your trauma, or your system in any single way. It's incredibly common, and I fear that syscourse has made it seem like it has to be an endo thing, when it isn't in the slightest.
------
Thank you to Quill for bringing this back to the most important point. Don't let anyone dictate how you define your system and alters. So long as you're happy and healthy, who cares. That's literally the only thing that matters.
I want to make it very clear that it's not just alter creation that confuses systems, but alters seemingly not connected to trauma at all appearing suddenly or randomly, alters that wake up and immediately go back into dormancy (walk in/out), etc. These are all things that can appear to be endogenic, or mixed origin, but if the basis of your system, the reason you have a system in the first place, is trauma, then everything ties back to that, in the end, and in one way or another.
How you personally interpret your experiences and members, and the labels you use, are uniquely yours.
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i watched a really good video on how internet backlash is weaponized around marginalized communities so naturally i wanna apply this to syscourse
i think the biggest contenders for the topic im thinking about is the teens on tiktok who people make fun of all the time. especially on Hell Site I Will Not Mention. when youre part of the marginalized community, people feel it forced upon them to be a representative of that community because, whether we want to believe it or not, important aspects of our lives are part of minority spaces and will need explaining to people who we trust to disclose this too. even if not in your personal life, i see a lot of people go on the internet and try to correct information in the defense of their mental illness which, at the end of the day, is an experience that they can only truly understand with medical papers that i will make in another post talking about it.
lemme try to wrap this up. i think people have too many preset biases on whether or not something is cringe or even harmful based on gross factors. a lot of systems are autistic trans people that people regularly make comments on based on their identity or human experience they refuse to believe based on the idea that “they’re more privileged than me / other people with this disorder” that has no evidence. i even see some systems with this mindset.
thats not to say people cant collectively harm a person or idea based on misinformation. thats not what im arguing at all. what im trying to say is that people are more complicated than others try to make them out to be. i make this argument all the time on my blog to see the person behind the screen youre arguing. blind kindness is not enough. you need to humanize them.
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Remember to take care of yourselves
Sometimes, when friends say you should step back, it's because they care, and they're seeing something you're not
People are notoriously bad at judging their own behavior and mental state
Sometimes you need help, and it's okay to accept
Sometimes you need a break, and it's okay to take one
Sometimes you just need to step back, remove yourself completely, and look at the situation, and yourself, critically
Mental health breaks should be encouraged, they should be rewards for tasks that drain you or getting through situations that have left you stressed
It's okay to just take some time to sort yourself out
Always take care of yourself, first and foremost
Remember that you matter, and that things will always be better when you're ready to come back
You can only come out stronger if you stop along the way to treat your wounds
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my panic attacks, unfortunately, now have physical affects on my body (FND). so its completely unavoidable to tell people what happens. but whenever i have flashbacks, im mildly aware when they happen. im usually alone. but when super triggered, i’ll lash out at anyone who wont leave me alone physically
Curious cause I'm realizing I had a panic attack only AFTER the fact because I physically am feeling the post panic attack recovery
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i constantly have to be an educator of my mental health, my neurodivergencies, and my race. i get told my trauma should be moved past because “its a different culture in vietnam”. i get laughed at by a therapist because my trauma doesnt sound “believable”. i get to experience so much issues in the mental health community just because im asian.
to mitsukii and every single POC (me too), im sorry if you werent taken seriously for anything you experience because of your race. you deserve to be believed in and understood. you deserve so much everyone isnt giving to you.
can i dare say white autistics get treated better than POC autistics? will that get me canceled, lol
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can i dare say white autistics get treated better than POC autistics? will that get me canceled, lol
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are you catching me reblogging / interacting with a sysmed, endo, etc, etc? congrats! heres a secret part of lore for you:
i want to constantly expand my opinion and see what other people have to say. we have different beliefs, but nothing good comes out of sitting in an echo chamber and not discussing things.
anyways, if any of my mutuals would like to message me, feel free to! or, reply to this post and i’ll reach out first!!! im here to expand my opinion!!!
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use your index finger as a point of reference on how much water should cover your rice!!!! and yes, WASH YOUR RICE!!!!!
WHEN YOU COOK WITH RICE PLEASE WASH IT I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH
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i have so many questions. wdym being a poc isnt an inherently traumatizing experience. why are we talking about this. im so tired.
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In anon because I don't want my blog to be associated with syscourse at all.
I'm not even a tulpa or tulpamancer but I just have to say - isn't just renaming the term just like painting over it or being a mask on it?
It's going to be the exact same thing. People are still going to know what they are doing is tulpamancy and still going to be referring to old guides. Also I'm no expert but isn't there also like... Subsections of Tulpamancey? Like deamons and servitors? Are those words not also from the same origins?
(Preface; I am white as hell. If I say something wrong, please let me know).
As far as I’ve been able to parse, as someone who is attempting to get more involved in the various endogenjc communities, Daemons and Servitors are different altogether.
From everything I’ve seen, Tulpamancy is no different from created parts / thoughtforms / willogenics / parogenics / etc.. There are no actual practices taken from Tibetan Buddhism that make Tulpamancy different from other practices, according to tulpamancers I’ve spoken to — in fact, this was an arguing point from many vocal pro-tulpas for a long time. “The word is fine because the practice isn’t at all the same as Tibetan Buddhism.”
Since it’s the word that reflects the racist views of a white bitch who wanted to profit off of Buddhism — not the practice — then changing the term away from that would help cut down on racism within the thoughtform community.
However…
You’re right in that this isn’t “solving racism” or doing anything but changing a single word. There will be racist people in the thoughtform community, or the willogenic community, or— you get the picture. Just like there are plenty of racist anti-endos and CDD systems. It’s disgusting, and horrific, but it exists and needs to be addressed.
The issue is, we can’t stop racism by screaming “don’t be racist” at the top of our lungs. I’m of the belief we can’t stop it at all. But we can do our parts to uplift actual POC voices, and do our best to change what we can control — such as not using racist terms like “tulpa” and encouraging others to change as well. It’s about harm reduction in any way we can manage; those little steps are vital, not only to improve the culture of system (and potentially more) spaces, but to ensure that POC systems feel more welcomed in these communities (where racism is a major problem that goes frequently unaddressed).
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Syscourse jumpscare
While I normally don't post syscourse on this account, I felt the need to add to a conversation that's been happening recently (and one that's been ongoing for a while) regarding the term "sysmed" and its usage.
So, a little bit about my system that I rarely talk about on here: we're a polyfragmented DID system. I have been the host since about April, and I don't know most of the other system members very well. We have varying views on endogenic systems, leaning towards pro. I still haven't really decided what I think about this whole debate. Either way, we all can agree on the fact that the term "sysmed" is transphobic.
Transmedicalism isn't just "when people think you can't be trans without dysphoria." Transmedicalism, more than being a belief or a set of beliefs, is a societal attitude about transness and about gender as a whole. Modern transmedicalism is an intracommunity issue, but it is rooted in "science" such as the debunked theories of Blanchard. The difference, however, between Blanchard's "science" and the science around systems, is that Blanchard's "science" is complete bullshit. The gap between FTM "HSTS transsexuals" and "autohomoerotic transsexuals" is almost nonexistent because this "science" is based entirely on the stereotype that transness exists for sexual reasons.
Modern transmedicalism, while it harms everyone in the trans community, is mainly straight gender conforming transmascs trying to weaponize heterosexuality and gender conformity against femmes, gay transmascs, and other non-straight transmascs. Being feminine or attracted to men is seen as a sign of "trending," just like the debunked homophobic idea that being attracted to men made you a fetishist of male homosexuality before it. The history of transmedicalism cannot be divorced from this "science," which is something I've spoken about previously.
To compare this history to anti-endos being mean online is transphobic on so many levels. Anti-endos being mean online aren't what cause young gay trans men to hate themselves for not being attracted to women. Anti-endos being mean online don't spread an ideology that gets you denied T if you show any interest in men. Anti-endos being mean online are not in any way comparable to the severe, irreversible harm that the idea of autohomoeroticism has done to the gay trans male community.
Before the 1980s, there were not even words to describe us, because people didn't know we even existed. Those of us that lived before then just called themselves faggots. So many of our brothers lived their whole lives never realizing there was anyone else like them. The simple truth of the matter is that we live in a world that tries to erase our existence at every point it can, and this erasure is something that shapes how each and every one of us views and interacts with society.
Anti-endos being mean online, while I do not want to minimize the harm they can cause, did not do this. Anti-endos being mean online are traumatized people taking it out on the wrong demographic. They are not continuously silencing a group of people who have been subject to invisible violence for hundreds of years only to be written off as fetishists when people realized that we exist.
Obviously, transmedicalists are not the cause of gay trans men's oppression, and we have more in common with straight trans men than we are different. But transmedicalists are people who have fallen for some of these dangerous ideas, among others, that are rooted in gay trans men's oppression. Anti-endos being mean online are not directly contributing to oppression that is in any way comparable to this.
When I see systems who are cis or not planning to transition bodily use "sysmed" to describe anti-endos being mean, I can't help but be hurt. However valid your argument may be, if you do not experience transphobia, our suffering is not your gotcha. Our oppression is not a hypothetical "[x] is bad so everything that's bad is [x]." We are real people and our voices matter. Allow us to do the talking when it comes to our issues.
Anti-endos aren't off the hook either. If you are cis and you call a trans system transphobic for usage of "sysmed," that is not okay, and you are transphobic. If a trans system is using sysmed, I will still disagree with their usage of the word, but that is for trans people to discuss and sort out amongst ourselves. No matter how good your intentions may be, that is simply not your place.
If you're a trans system (traumagenic or otherwise) and disagree with anything I've said, feel free to reply to this post so we can discuss! This post is directed at cis systems and systems who do not experience transphobia in their daily lives. A system that does experience transphobia regularly who uses "sysmed" is very different from a system who does not who uses the term, and I guess that's the main point here.
#if im honest we still have trouble understanding this debate but this post made it easier to understand!!!#(´ω｀★)#deceptacon
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