solemnsanctum
Your Silent Sanctuary
We are safe here. Silent and Soft. Gentle and Growing. A sanctuary. Our sanctuary.
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I had a dream
I call it a dream because I can’t decide if it was a nightmare, or just a dream.
In it, I had finally stopped being a coward, in it I had finally let myself drown in the oceans of my doubts and pain.
In it, I left with a smile on my face, perpetually in my everlasting rest.
I became a ghost, watching my own funeral.
My sister was crying, my brothers trying their best to comfort her.
My mother was crying, my father tries to console her but he has a dead look in his eyes.
My brothers too are trying to be strong like my father.
I can see my girl best friends crying and my guy best friends with empty looks on their faces.
I see a few others, acquaintances whom frequently drank and partied with me.
Some regulars and the workers at my favorite bar.
I see one of my exes try to get in, no one lets her except the person meant to read my note. I say that everyone must let anyone in, who wishes to be there.
They read the note I wrote in my phone thats to be played in my passing, I wrote it when I was 26.
I told everyone that today, I wanted them to be weak. I wanted them to cry. I wanted them to be what I couldn’t; vulnerable. Just for today.
Then everyone starts to cry.
The note continues. Talking about the path I strode. The pains I endured. The nights spent screaming silently in tears.
I tell everyone, that no matter what, tonight they must drink, those that are allowed to anyway. To pour a bottle of my favorite liquor for me into a glass, just the way I like it. Over a large block of ice, double shot of Remy. And if the ice melts, someone must drink it and then re-pour for me.
My best friend since high school starts to drunkenly yell at my parents for me. The other two girls join her. And the two guys stand by them vigilantly waiting to protect them from any lash back from my parents.
They wave my suicide note in their hands. Pressing the blame I had scribbled in it into them. I signed it in my own blood.
Videos and pictures of my idiotic but fun memories and moments play in the background. In my note, I request that everyone bring in some form of video or pictures to contribute.
I can see my friends and acquaintances pointing at pictures and laughing. And then tears start to fall.
I see all of this. But I am happy. To see all the people I love in one place, trying their best to abide by my wishes. Trying their best to be vulnerable and weak today.
But this was just a dream. And I had to wake up.
But…
I had a dream.
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I can feel myself slipping. All three of us. Slipping away. Like we are going to fall asleep. Like we are never going to wake again. Am I breaking again? Am I about to fragment again?
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I cried. I tried. I laid down wishing I had died.
I
Am
So
Fucking tired
When can I surrender?
When can I give up?
I just want to be weak in someone’s arms.
I don’t want to have to be strong anymore.
I’m literally just going to lose it.
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I just want to surrender everything. Im so fucking tired of having to remain strong.
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Just keep smiling. Keep them all guessing. No one will see the smile is the crack beneath the surface.
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I just want to melt into somebody’s arms. I dont care. I want to drop and let everything go. Scream. Cry. Yell. And just break apart.
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you don't know heartbreak until you're standing in front of the person you love more than anything knowing it's time to say goodbye
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If I just keep smiling, no one will know how broken I am inside.
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I will always be so fucking angry for what they turned me into
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Isolate. Internalize. Dont hurt anyone else anymore. Only yourself. Keep it in. Dont let it show. Hide it from the world. Hide it from yourself.
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