If it hits, I sits.

Therapy was good today. The goals are to find “glimmers' ' in life. Those are those little things that make you happy, bring you joy and you know make it feel like life is worth living. It’s been a really long time since I have stopped and allowed myself to really feel. It’s coming out as grief for me. I am grieving the person who I once was, the people who I have missed out having different relationships with because I was too scared to have that come between me and my successes. When I think about things I have missed out on, I think about the times when my family and friends have passed away and I stayed at work.. Because “what else am I going to do?Gohome and think about it?”. That’s happened more times than I can count, which to me is wild. I have convinced myself that if I just work harder, the feelings can’t hit me. THey can’t get me and I won’t be uncomfortable. 

It’s funny how each day that goes by I learn a little bit more about myself. I currently have green nails, and I NEVER get the coloured nails. I was trying something that I always wanted to do, a crazy colour but was afraid of everyone judging me for it at work. You know when you see the old ladies on cash and they have bright pink nails. I didn’t think that was going to make people respect me. But, now that I have them I honestly don’t even like them. Now that I have tried it on, I realize that it’s not me.  My take away from that is that I cannot be someone else to try to escape this experience. I need to go through it as I am.

But, I don't feel like Carrie Bradshaw? 

Things that I think 

How crazy it is that I am here

How i feel like i shouldn’t be feeling this way when I have it all 

When will I know what the plan is long term?

Am i meant to be in one place at all times?

Do I actually love my life?

Song: Evermore - Taylor Swift 

Weather - Sunny 10 Degrees 

Date - Early April 2024

Screaming coming from the window outside. It’s normal, like an everyday thing but while I no longer sleep at what would be considered normal it’s not welcomed by me. It’s the crazy thing about living down here, you never know if the screams are from a homeless person,sorry unhoused. Or if it’s coming from again, what people would consider a normal person. It’s very diverse, down here and sometimes the people you least expect who are causing the ruckus around the neighborhood. 

It’s finally a sunny day after a week long of rain and fog. Thing I have realized in the past 2 weeks, is that I am greatly affected emotionally by the weather (which is why I think I need to leave at all times), and also that I have no idea who I am. I wonder if the two are correlated. I wonder if I should stop smoking weed because my Mother would tell me it’s the drugs talking. 

I guess I was hoping that if I gave myself the time to slow down and actually breathe it would calm me down enough that I would see this is all a big misunderstanding and I am completely insane so therefore in other people’s eyes I am “normal”. Which, now thinking about it makes me wonder if that is what this is all about. Me and my adventure to try to be perceived as “normal”.

As I type into this laptop and I wonder how or why I am even feeling the need to journal my thoughts, I wanted to type I was excited, but that’s not the emotion. I am so numb that I do smile but only because I wonder what will be coming from my fingertips in the next little bit as I navigate this.  2 Things we need to clear up. 1. I do type what I think and I don’t look back. AKA you’re going to see mistyped words and grammar and I DON”T CARE. 2. I can promise you this will be real, and is real. I am real.

We all agree we are living in a simulation, right?

As I lay here in my bed, and wonder about how, again, I am here. It's 4:00 am and I cannot for the life of me get my mind to just relax. Truthfully, I know why I cannot just shut down and let the feelings go. I'm anxious for tomorrow.. Well today. I made plans with some people and now the time has come for me to participate with those plans. I lie here with my eyes pressed so tightly closed, and my jaw is literally breaking my back molars from the pressure I am holding there.

I'm only 33, I shouldn't be feeling this way? Or should I? The more I wonder about how I got here, the more I wonder about how much longer I actually have here, in this moment but in overall life as well.

I mustered up the courage to send the text for the "let down". If I give them a heads up it will soften the blow and maybe once I'm done with that my mind will be at ease.

The amount of scenarios I made up in my head of how this text would be taken... Would I be called first thing when they wake up and see it? Because, I really don't want that to happen. Or,maybe I just gave them a reason to be "actually" mad at me?? Honestly, that's a whole other story on its' own. With nothing left to care with as my brain continued to be turned into mush from lack of sleep. I sent it. About 10 minutes later, there was a reply that said how it was no issue, hope I get some sleep, all is well.

The amount of over-thinking it took for me to get through this very simple interaction is the reason why I am here, in this moment. Sleepless in my Hamilton Downtown apartment, wondering.. We all agree we are living in a simulation, right??