When I’m having a bad day, I always remember The Wound Man. Sliced, stabbed, punctured, bleeding, harassed on all sides by various weaponry yet still standing tall.my small tribute to iconic medieval image.

Wallace Polsom, Loose Abstraction (2020), paper collage, 18.4 x 19.9 cm.

Thinking of my grandfather today, the man who loved me more than anyone ever will in my life. I was so lucky to feel a love like this. Pure and sweet. Based solely on making each other's day easier to get through. He thought of death a lot, and always told me he would die sooner than people would hope for. But - he had accepted it. He had dreams of flying, like superman. It was his superpower he would choose if he could. my Grandfather had respiratory issues, eventually leading to his death. However, he always told me in his dreams, up in the sky - flying, he could breath better than ever before and breath in the purest air there is. I always wanted to get him up in the air. An airplane wouldn't do it though. This man wanted to fly on his own. He made me accept death and understand it at a depth I never should have at my age. He did die earlier than he ever should have. In his 60's. I didn't shed a single tear at the hospital. He prepared me for this. Told me how to live without him when I said I swore I couldn't. I could, I can, and I am. He would always tell me how beautiful I am. Sitting on the bench on the first street shore after school, he loved watching the waves. He would tell me everyone looks better in the sun. He was so right. He loved my green eyes, tiny hands, and laugh. My Grandfather lived to hear my laugh. To see my smile. He never got to see me hurt from another man. I like to think he thinks I'm receiving more than adequate love forever. I wouldn't want him to worry, how I worry that I'm not being loved correctly. Sometimes I think his immense love, at my young age, charged me up for the rest of my life. I will always know what true love feels like. He was my true love. I felt abandoned by my father, by my mother. Left at my grandparents to burden them forever, it wasn't my choice. He knew it wasn't my choice. He always said it was their loss, because I was the most amazing thing he had ever laid eyes on. The way I absorbed knowledge, asked questions, made quick witty jokes with him, loved art like him. We had a connection I will never have again. Do I want it again? Is this what I need in a relationship? He, my love, reminds me of my Grandfather. I don't look for it in everyone - But it's the little things he does. I thought this was enough to keep me going. But here I am, feeling very unloved in the moment and aching for a past love I've felt.

I hope someone is reading my writings and praying for me. Please.

hozier singing toxic on this the 20th day of march in the 2020th year of our lordt

Kelly Rowland shopping for shoes in Miami Beach, 2005

Still scared to talk and move ever, what's new

Tokyo, Japan. 1999

Nothing is mine. Nothing is me. I am nobody and nothing.

Reading back 2 months ago, and feeling the same way as I did then - every night.... is exhausting. Ending every night closed and alone. Sad and broken. Brief moments of love and sweetness. Me constantly begging for it. I am so tired. Knowing you're an enemy to someone you love. I can feel him starting to resent me because I am "emotional". I am so depressed. God help me. I haven't felt this way since I dated E.OH when I was severely underage (15) and being abused by a high school graduate. Drugging me, raping me, refusing me of sex any other time than unconsciously. I thought being dead would have been better than anything. I haven't truly felt suicidal since then. Now (april 2020), starting july 2019 - I've been having suicidal thoughts again. I'm scared to be alone.

Got hurt again. Deserved it again. A knee to the stomach this time. I am beginning to think violence is his only defense mechanism. I should have heed the warnings..

I have small lips. I have a big nose. I am getting too fat. I'm not toned. I don't have the hips he likes. I'm too pale, I look "scary". I smell bad. Everything reminds him of someone else. We have no memories together. He rather look at others. I am so ugly. I feel so disgusted when I look in the mirror, I get shivers. I have been dissociating so much that my days feel shorter. I am not who he wants to have sex with. At this point I am begging for him to make plans with someone else. I am tired of not even being touched when he wants to cum. I know I'm disgusting I wish he would just say he doesn't want to have sex with me. It's such a chore, I'm a "whore" for wanting sex more than once a week. I'm waiting for him to cheat on me. He's done it with every girl and I am not different. If anything, I am bottom tier. The other girls he's been with, that he is constantly thinking of more than me, are thicker and more put together - way cuter and totally not like me. My only redeeming qualities are that I can clean and take orders well. If I lose that, our relationship falls apart. I feel so worthless. Such a shell of a human. I just morph and bend to whatever personality I need to in the moment, I truly don't know who I am. I can't remember through my trauma and emotional stunting. I'm sitting here writing this and I'm crying. Sitting on the couch. I feel so scared of him. I said I'm sorry for hitting him with my foot and he "shh"'d me. I haven't wrote about the two times he's hit me since the last I've written. Once in the face after he was frustrated he couldn't 'finish', and another in the face in the car the other day after I didn't "shut the fuck up" when told. That second time we were a city over, buying plants. I got out of the car and they left me in the neighborhood - I asked for them to. I couldn't be in the car anymore. Obviously. I had my grandmother come pick me up. It was embarrassing to tell her. I took a nap at her house, in my old room. It was around the time I'd have gotten out of high school and the windows were open - kids were outside, her dog was barking - like always. It felt like I was in a time warp. It was the nicest nap I've taken in two years. I have never felt so warm inside while sleeping. I also don't think I normally sleep with a smile on my face. At least not at all in the last week. I know that because every night this week I've fallen asleep crying. I'm rambling. This is where I come to do this. I can't tell anyone, not a single person in my life the depth of this. I need help so bad. I am so traumatized by my life.

I want a family so bad. My child is the only person who would not be disgusted by me. I would be a better mom than my own.

Usagi enjoying that mommy life~ <3 Been a while since I did digital coloring…I’m rusty. @_@’ 

I'm so depressed. I have no job, I moved from a whole apartment to a room because I was manipulated into thinking that would make my polygamous relationship better somehow. 3/5 days here so far, have been hell. Today included. He told me to jump off a roof and he wouldn't see me again if he had the option. I really don't feel loved. Or cared for. I feel ugly and unwanted. Annoying and in the way. Undesirable. I know he only wants what he can't have and clearly he can have me whenever so I'm not who or what he craves. I am just the piece of trash he wants to groom into a home making woman, while still denying me a family. I will die alone. A child is the only thing my hearts knows would keep me going and because of my circumstance, I won't ever have that. Neither of them want to "deal with it" while being polygamous. I don't know what the answer is. Now I never have work anymore, I'm just here wasting space. I also have no little space, which has been really troubling. I've had to force myself into little space to feel okay at all.