sirmattyofpants
The Pants Party
Guy. . . not the Fieri kind of guy though.
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My brain is at a breaking point. There's a global pandemic, civil unrest, brink of annihilation. . .
And it's personally spiraling too. . . I've been trying to get my oldest child to curb compuslivites and we've been in therapy together and we've gotten a 504 plan for school and we've been tough, firm and hard and we've been easy, soft and fair and none of it has worked. None.
He's hidden tech devices he knew he shouldn't have and thought he wouldn't get caught. Over and over and over again chance after chance and for what?
A morning where I found my laptop after it was missing for weeks, on his bed, when for the last three or so weeks since it's disappearance I have been vociferous about it. And he denied it. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
He got caught. While I brought the laptop upstairs, he fought with his mother. She brought garbage bags downstairs to clean his room because teenage boys have some gnarly rooms, and caught him trying to saw his wrist with a steak knife. When she intervened, he tried to stab her.
So now we are currently at a behavioral health hospital. . . Getting assessed. . . And it's too damn heavy right now.
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2005? Tell you what: I bet you’re gonna have a really great year.
Doctor Who | 1.01 - Rose
Original air date: 26th March 2005
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Combating projection. That's what I'm all about.
There's encouraging news that all is not lost, even though Tuesday night was hard. . . My mother in law just has pneumonia and has looked a bit improved. My kids are all breathing healthy, especially the Bear (my youngest). . . My wife has been vigilant with the Lysol disinfectant and spraying surfaces and wiping down door handles and routinely cleaning.
There's a solid chance they're shutting down my place of work soon, and believe me, after today, I could use the break both mentally and physically. . . A couple mandated weeks away would be beneficial. I haven't had a week away from this place since I went to Hawaii a couple years ago.
A break where I can be at home would be relief. Although, after today, I don't have to come back until Wednesday (thanks planned vacation days!) so that's what my primary focus is.
But back to the main topic. . .
I projected my anxieties. I am unaware at times when I'm doing it, and my wife called me out. I was making her anxiety worse by adding mine, and she was diagnosed with a panic disorder so. . . Let's just say I was not helping. At all.
I did a full stop, apologized, and told her I'd be more mindful. Shit's already TENSE so adding to it ain't gonna do no good. It had me dawm on other ways I projected. . .
For the longest time I projected my abandonment issues. . . And didn't realize that can be a form of manipulation. The "I'm nothing without you" or the "well if you leave then I'm leaving too" or what was probably the worst. . . Bringing up what will happen to the kids.
She was never obligated to stay. She was choosing to stay.
I was horrifically abused by someone who used my insecurities against me. . . When you're with someone abusive, you never know what their intentions are. . . Which poisons you. You either find someone worse or you wind up becoming abusive. . . Especially when you don't get therapy for it.
So for the majority of my relationship with my wife, I was thoroughly convinced she was going to leave at some point. . . Instead of trusting her entirely. . . And that lead me to become a monster to someone who grew up in pure hell.
I couldn't be honest because I was afraid that my honesty would push her away. . . Or start a fight that would cause her to leave. . . And when I would mess up something, anything. . . I became a dissociated, insufferable mess. . . And couldn't. .. . Wouldn't explain it. . . Instead I'd just take shit out on her passive aggressively and be an asshole and down the line knew damn well I deserved to not have her.
It wasn't fair. At all.
Then I grew the fuck up. I GREW the FUCK up and out of everyone and everything around me. While she was going through her dark spot (hanging with some of the shittiest people that I wasn't related to), I was starting my grand exodus.
She didn't leave. Every day for almost 4 years I was waiting for her to. . . Blaming myself and knowing my past sins against her, not being outward or properly apologizing. . . But her friends at the time made it impossible to talk about anything. ANYTHING.
So I carefully and quietly purged family and friends that were toxic and garbage and did nothing for me. Any friend linked to anyone who tried to get us to cheat on each other, tried to lure us away, meddling, conniving, or flat out fucking awful was systematically being phased out and blacklisted.
After moving into our own house, and getting therapy and growing to a point where I told the final boss in that chapter (my dreadful mother) to fuck off entirely and stop contacting me. . . I have no more issues with abandonment. The only issue I have, the only real fear is if she suddenly were to pass. She told me that's the only real way she'd leave. Or if I regress and revert back to who I was years ago. . .
Fuck that. . . Experience is a teacher, and I have learned that I never will put anyone through that experience again. . . Myself included.
I am combating projection. Fighting it with kindness. Because I know what I'm all about.
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My soul is currently in the process of being crushed, repurposed, crushed, repurposed repeat repeat repest.
I was so paralyzed by grief and anxiety last night I couldn't cry.
My mother in law will probably die from COVID19 because she, much like everyone 55 and up, ignored all the warnings of what was to come. "Oh it's no big deal!" "It's just the flu!" "They won't shut anything down because of this!"
My in laws had the nerve to tell my wife, their daughter, "you're overreacting" "Stop being crazy about this". . .
How's that working out? If I had a myriad of health issues (blood clotting disorder, lupus, have had strokes and heart attacks and other issues) the last thing I would do is continue to go and sell girl scout cookies in 35 degree weather and wind with a pandemic upon us.
The worst fucking part in all of this?
I have a son who is in complete heart failure. The only thing that keeps him alive is his pacemaker. COVID19 preys mercilessly upon the immunocompromised, it's most likely a death sentence for him.
Also for my father in law, who is a diabetic with both hips replaced and a history of stroke. . . And he fucking travels for work. Yeah, it's Amtrak, but still. . . His run is to California. . . The fucking Bay area. . . A practical hotbed for this.
And he had the nerve to blame my brother in law for my mother in law getting sick. My brother in law, who lives with us, has no social life (by choice), only goes to work and comes home 96% of the time. . . But it's because "he coughs a lot". . . To which my wife had to explain, that if he got it, it would've already killed him because he's had pneumonia once or twice a year since childhood. His coughing has gone down quite a bit (thanks weed!) And he's been taking precautions and knows how fucking dangerous this is.
It's all fucking shitty right now. All. Fucking. Shitty.
My place of work told us Monday that someone was being tested. To "not worry about it". . . Gee, who said that? Oh, I dunno, the fucking gobshite president called it a hoax so. . .
The person worked in an office, but we all share a huge lunchroom, and you know what? This was yesterday. . .
"The person was denied testing and is now in self-quarantine"
Not a betting man, but I bet that's some shady shit right there.
It's hard not to heavy sigh every 5 minutes, hard not to wonder if I'm exposed and if I've been breathing this on coworkers and friends and family, hard not to think of the catastrophies at hand and their chain reactions and stifle tears. . .
My heart hurts so bad right now.
The only hope we have at a decent leader in this country is being fucked over by rich people and old people and who the fuck knows where any kind of light is at the end of the world's longest dystopian tunnel. . . What looks like light is an illusion, the noises in the distance aren't kind, because it feels like the tunnel is collapsing.
Beware the Ides of March, if only more people took shit seriously.
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Progression over perfection. That's the motto. Best way to look at it? Well, you don't know all the words to a song the first time you hear it. You don't know how it's sung, you don't know the rhythm or cadence or melody or beats or bass line. . .
It takes time. Sometimes you can have a song down after only a handful of times you listen, other songs you might never get it all correct. . . And that doesn't matter. If you love the song you don't need to perfect it. Anyone who expects you to know EVERYTHING about a song after a once through is probably someone you shouldn't engage with anyway.
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Just went back on Facebook for the first time in a couple days and Holy fuck am I glad I stopped regularly going there. . . it's a fucking dumpster fire of negativity.
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Awww…
I know I talk about Bob’s Burgers a lot but one of the newest episodes was so sweet. It starts with Bob realizing that there’s going to be a laser-light-rock-show and remembering how much he loved going to them as a kid:
Since it’s Bob’s birthday, Gene agrees to go with him:
But, like many children, he becomes overwhelmed by the loud noises and flashing lasers. (And listen, I usually hate it when people label characters as ‘autistic’ and act like a show gave them representation when it didn’t…but Bob’s Burgers really does have so many characters who would be labeled in real life, Gene being one of them, and this just adds to it because it’s the perfect depiction of someone being overstimulated):
He eventually breaks down sobbing, screaming that he wants to go:
Bob immediately takes him into the lobby and is able to ground him, getting him to properly breathe until he’s ready to talk:
Bob asks if he wants to go back in or go home. Gene immediately says “Go home!” but hesitates and adds that it’s Bob’s birthday, to which Bob’s instant reply is to not worry about it and that he won’t enjoy the show if Gene isn’t enjoying the show. He adds that they can go back in and he can help Gene through it but Gene begins panicking again and Bob quickly says that they can go home, not once forcing him to do something that would overwhelm him. So they go out to the car (and I just love how Bob holds onto him):
But it gets better. Bob takes out the CD and plays it at a low volume, tilts their chairs back, and uses a cigarette lighter to ‘draw’, creating his own ‘laser show’:
Gene eventually wants to see the finale of the real show, despite Bob’s insistence that Gene doesn’t have to pretend to want to see it just for Bob and that they can just go home, to which Gene assures him that he really does want to see it. They sneak back inside and Bob makes Gene a pair of makeshift headphones so that he can listen to the music without being overwhelmed:
A+ Parenting!
(But really, what else would you expect from this show?)
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I did it. I finally did it. It hurts. It sucks. . . but I did it.
I cut ties completely with my mother.
I loved her, I loved that part of my family a long time ago. . . but the minute I was going to be a parent something shifted. When I became a dad, our relationship began a slow, painful deterioration. It mostly involved her inability to deal with boundaries. Early on it didn't phase me, but as my children grew, the worse she got.
I have pinpointed it down to between the time I started broadcasting school up to when my daughter was born that the poles began to shift. That was over 10 years ago.
I am honestly tired of telling the same old story of working full time, going to school, having a wife, a kid, my own apartment, paying my own way. . . my mother resented this. . . because it took attention away from my brother who lived at home, refused to work, was entitled about it. . . i could go on, but my mother pretty much anointed him king or whatever. . .
The point is, she tried to please everyone without accountability. . . make everyone happy by any means necessary. . . even if it means sacrificing relationships. . . that's a dangerous game to play. She got stuck somewhere in the early 2000s. . . while I matured, everyone else around me stayed the same. . . while my interests shifted and grew more broad and open, she stuck to those who refused to change. . .
The less I acted like that, the more divisive and vindictive she became. . . and she got her family involved. . . I was planning my escape well before anyone knew, even my wife. . . 2011 was when I started. . . after my cousin's wedding. . . when we were in the early stages of kid #3. . . I noticed how everyone kind of kept their distance from me. . . despite my efforts to bond or blend in. . . turns out my cousin and his wife were mad that I wore shorts to a beach front wedding in mid July. . . it was 95 degrees and they had it in broad daylight, sun beating every one down. . . my aunt wore a Hawaiian shirt and one of my brothers went to see Soundgarden (lucky prick) and my other brother and his girlfriend showed up during the reception dressed like white trash on Easter. . . but they all got free passes for some reason. . .
A year later at another cousin's wedding, we found out about the shorts debacle. . . that wedding sucked. . . so did the family reunion the day after. . . as well as being at odds with my brother who was getting married and was mad that we weren't letting my oldest be in their wedding. . . which sucked, btw. . . but we had to accept it. . .we were playing nice because we were moving into my mom's house next year and my brothers and were going to move out. . .
My mother sabotaged that the best she could. . . "why don't you just live with them!". . . because they fight all the time, have animals they never clean up after in a house where there is no room for my wife and 3 kids. . . all 6 and under. . . and there's drug shit everywhere. . . "just live out of your car then!". . .
She was "joking" about that. . .
Let's just say over the next 6 years there were hundreds of boundaries that were torched, dismissed, disregarded or barreled through. . . you can't have a solid relationship with someone who can not accept your boundaries. . . especially when YOU set the boundary and your mother insists that it's your spouse who "put you up to it". . . seriously, my wife was blamed for everything I said and did. . . when she would stand up for herself, they'd double down on their malice. . . when she would say "if you have a problem, talk to Matt". . . nobody would come knocking or call or text. . . because they'd already convinced themselves she was the culprit. . .
You can tell everyone you tried to mend the fence when you had no intention of showing up, but most people know you're a liar. I showed up to fence mending sessions by myself way too many times. . . and as soon as I stopped, I felt lighter. . . I stopped communicating with anyone who didn't want to see me succeed, see me get better, be who I always should have been instead of who others wanted me to be. . .
It's okay to completely shut the doors on any toxic family members, even if they're parents. You have to mourn them even though they are still alive, and while that's difficult, it's not as much of an arduous task of dealing with people who only keep you around as a comparison tool. . .
I cut my mother completely off.
It hurt like hell, but it'll never hurt like the expectations I had of her being a grandmother and pillar of hope for the rest of my life being brutally murdered by the reality that she was blatantly rude, solipsistic, narcissistic and mean.
I know where my heart truly lies, and that's next to my wife in our bed every night, in a house we fought hard to get, to break cycles of abuse and torment. . . and I know I made the right decision.
Because I did it for me.
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You have no idea how much your loved ones would miss you if you were gone.
Shop, Patreon,
Book, Mailing List
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Paused Letterkenny season 8 on this gem. #Letterkenny #NoahDyck #BigAss #WaynesFace #pitterpatterletsgetater https://www.instagram.com/p/B6mkrjrDKbE/?igshid=yavgewxmcy9u
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2020 is coming and i’m healing! i refuse to remain stagnant! i’m growing! i made mistakes and now i’m learning! i’m going to do better!
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Work on what you can. Healing isn't linear, it's a marathon, not a sprint. Rest when you feel like you have to. The big things stay the same, make little changes. I believe in you.
possible resolutions for 2020 to keep in mind/to get you started:
⭐️ be kind to yourself
⭐️ make others smile more
⭐️ grow as a person
⭐️ allow yourself to change
⭐️ make new friends
⭐️ do things that scare you a little
⭐️ don’t worry too much or overthink what you cannot change
⭐️ discover new things about yourself
⭐️ let people in
⭐️ spontaneously enjoy and appreciate life
⭐️ make it through the bad days even when you don’t want to
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So I play this game called Death Road To Canada which is like the Oregon Trail only you have to fight hordes of zombies and scavenge for food and it's done in 8-bit graphics and last night it summed up my relationship with @complexly_casey #deathroadtocanada #lovefarts #marriedlife #iwasthefarter https://www.instagram.com/p/B6JoCGhjfDO/?igshid=182vkwtpjluxn
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In the journey of finding myself I sometimes go back and read my old deadjournal and livejournal. . . it's nice to know a lot of my humor has remained, and the parts that evolved.
There are also some painful reminders of how friends treated me, what I allowed, the passive aggressiveness, how broken I was by an ex-girlfriend without properly taking care of myself, reminders of why I should've stopped with certain people and whom I should've stuck with instead of drift away from. . . and how I should have been a better boyfriend. . .
I guess I could say I didn't truly love myself. From reading those old passages, there were tons of little moments though. Falling in love with someone who actually loved me, like, no reservations or judgments and I reciprocated to a point. . . after I got comfortable I dragged my feet. . .
If I only got therapy in my late teens/early twenties! Oh, the places I could've gone. Oh, the person I could've been. Oh, the kind of boyfriend and lover I should've been!
I used to think the ship of falling completely head over heels left without me when it docked on the island of broken people. Yes, you did bad things. Yes, you were dismissive or hypercritical of what others liked, especially to your significant other. Contrarian and crass and crude and everything you learned how to he from the wrong people.
There were abysmal friends I had whose personalities I mirrored because well. . . "friendship". . . what brought out the worst in me, then found another dragon behind that one to parade around like a big, flaming douche.
It's been so long since. . . and I don't have a whole lot left from those days. When you lost everything you thought was good for you, thinking you wouldn't be okay without them. . . you learn to love yourself and protect yourself from anyone remotely similar.
Solitude breeds selectiveness begats self care and after a certain amount of time you fall back in love with everything. You find yourself feeling young love, true love again, only unfettered by everyone and everything that tried to destroy it. When your partner whom you've known for almost half your life shows little signs of it too, it makes it even better.
When you heal each other in healthy ways, nothing can stop you. (Pfft. Like it was going to anyway)
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How do you fall in love with yourself?
The same way you fall in love with someone else. Acknowledge the bad, embrace the good, and grow.
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