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I’ve been feeling the need to heal my inner child. She cries out to me, begging to be held and reassured. She longs for me however I do not answer. Why won’t I answer her calls? Am I too afraid to go through that grim door once more? I need not to run away but to reach for her, save her, embrace her until she weeps no more yet I am still cemented into my sheepish boots. When will I step forward?

I’ve been having a rough couple of days and it’s thrown my mental health through a loop, worse than normal since I’ve started my meds. I kept wondering why it felt so bad this time after the huge fight I had with my roommate which caused some really bad symptoms with my depression and ptsd because I was back to being mean and saying things on pure emotion and no filter. But after I dropped Matt off at church, I started to just bawl in my drive way, out of no where and that’s when i realized that I never released what I was feeling from that fight. I just held it all in and wrongfully took it out on others. I feel a bit better now, still need to do some more release though.

I’m starting to really understand my mental health and a big part of that is accepting that I have issues and being ok with them and that’s not easy but once you do, you gain a sense of freedom. It’s like I’ve been imprisioned in my own mind my whole life and really beat down because of it but when I just accepted that this is who I am and not fighting my inner self anymore was the key I’ve needed to unlock my mental jail cell.

Always remember to release then breathe.

Illustrations by Tanadori Yokoo, 1975.

I started these new meds that help stabilize my mood, sleep and eat more and oh my god, I haven’t felt like myself in sooo long and the fact that I can even say that AND feel it, it’s incredible!

Knocking on wood that this feeling continues onward bc it’s also so nice to see that I physically look like a normal person again as well, no longer looking sickly and also seeing pudge for the first time on me is like amazing lol. Also seeing how level headed I’m becoming in situations I’d normally flip my shit to is so so so bizarre, but like in the best way possible.

I know I still have some more work to do and that I’m not just cured however seeing progress within myself is truly magical and very empowering which helps motivate me to want to get even better.

Oh yea, and seeing myself slowly being able to fit into more of my clothing that once was too big feels great because I have so many cute summer clothes that I can now wear 🤩

Upwards and onwards.

Man Ray   

1890-1976 

SANS TITRE, 1969  

crayons de couleur et mine de plomb sur papier calque Guermand Voiron Parcheminé   26,7 x 21,1 cm. | 10 ½ x 8 3/8 in.

these original prints are all up for sale! they are 30€ each, hit me up for details!

patreon

Been thinking about my little sisters a lot. The guilt of not talking to them in a year and a half is killing me but when I do try to communicate with them, I’m not allowed to. Also still dealing with the depression that’s glossed over me makes those scary thoughts resurface and feels like I can’t handle life anymore. Can I do it? Am I able to survive through this? I hope so.

Woke up this morning really down in the dumps. I felt so hopeless in my own depression that I was thinking of reasons why I should kill myself which made me more upset and wanted to die even more. It’s like two different people are inside of me having world war three and that I can’t trust the dangerous one in me for it will be my downfall. I feel so distant now from my actual self it’s almost bizarre feeling, alien like.

Matt just held me and told me that he can’t do this alone that he needs his partner with him so he drew me bath, grabbed me a protein shake and just held me for a bit. Thankfully my group therapy phone conference was happening shortly after all this so I got to talk it out and listen to good advice. One of things said that really resinated with me is that I’m not my depression, I just have it, like the flu. You get sick and it gets really bad at it’s peak but will eventually go away and I’ll feel better so I’m holding on to that currently.

I just need to keep focusing on the big picture here and that it’s all just symptoms I’m feeling and that they don’t define me. This has been very rough.

1998 nickelodeon trade ad

Bracelet à décor d'une pêche, Chine.  Tourmaline, jadéite et perle, monture argent, D 5,5 cm.