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sinningbf · 3 years

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Am I in an abusive relationship/friendship? Checklist. Bold the ones that happened to you, italicize if you’re not sure. Originally written for relationships, later realized most points are applicable to friendships as well. (some are relationship specific, so you can ignore them if you’re checking for friendship, also this works for marriage as well)

Physical abuse

they sometimes push me, kick me, and/or intimidate me physically

they’ve hit me before, and I’m scared they might do it again

they make it clear that they want to hit me

they’ve been hitting walls, throwing things around me and at me, kicking objects or furniture, making it clear they’re barely controlling themselves not to hit me

they sometimes corner me/trap me with their body so I can’t escape (during arguments or otherwise)

they left painful marks on my body (from gripping my body too tight in anger, from pushing me to fall down, from rough treatment, dragging)

they sometimes hurt me but it’s only because they have short temper/alcohol problem/tough day at work/other things they deal with

they sometimes hurt me but they make it clear it’s only because of something I’ve done/said or something I failed to do or say

they’ve choked me, restrained my movements, pinned me down and refused to let me go even though I was struggling/paralyzed

they’ve ignored my cries of pain and kept hurting me

I’ve been in hospital before due to the injuries they’ve caused me

they sometimes make me feel like my life is in danger

Social abuse

they hate my friends, and want me to spend less time with them, or completely cut them out of my life

they’ve affected me to drop more than one friend from my life

they’ve managed to isolate me from family members, friends, acquaintances and people I used to enjoy spending my time with

they get angry if I enjoy my time out with friends/family, and call my socializing derogatory names, as if hanging out with people was a luxury I’m not supposed to enjoy

they lie about what people have said about me/think about me, in a way that makes me feel humiliated and hated by everyone

their behaviour towards me changes drastically based on who we’re with, they’re completely different when we’re alone compared to when we are in someone else’s company

they lie about our relationship to others, in front of me, and I feel I’m not allowed to challenge them

they threaten me in private to how I’m supposed to act when in public

they humiliate me in public and in front of their friends

they tell people to “just ignore me” and teach them how to dismiss me and my feelings

they talk badly about me to their friends and family and/or mine

they lie to others about what I’ve said and done, making sure I look awful

they make decisions for me and relay them to others without my permission, making sure I look selfish/rude/inconsistent/cruel if I don’t follow through

they mock my talk, walk, behaviour, opinions and features in front of others

they allow others to insult and humiliate me, and they dismiss it all as jokes

they allow others to say offensive, triggering and cruel things to me and they encourage it

they use my reactions to prove to others how I’m overemotional, too sensitive, hysterical or crazy

Emotional abuse

they yell at me even when I’m already crying

they make me feel as if no matter how much I try, I’m never good enough

they call me ugly/lazy/worthless/miserable/toxic, and act like they’re allowed to because it’s the “truth”

when I really need their help/support/comfort, they’re emotionally unavailable, or show no interest in helping me

they make me feel guilty and ashamed if I’m not there for them at any moment, and accuse me of caring too much about other people and activities, when I should make it all about them

they use every opportunity to talk about themselves and ignore whatever I say as if I only said it to offer them a chance to talk about their own issues, even if their issues are much smaller

they intentionally leave out some vital details about their life and feelings, only to use them later to prove how neglectful and ignorant I am of their issues, regardless of how much I listen to them

they make me participate in activities I don’t enjoy, benefit, or feel comfortable doing

they exclude me on purpose from activities I would have enjoyed doing

they get angry if I don’t readily quit my own activities for the sake of accompanying them on theirs

when planning, they always assume and take for granted I’ll do all the heavy and unpleasant work

they refuse to do a same favour for me that I’ve done for them in the past

they purposely do their part of the work badly so I would never ask them to do it again

they purposely manage activities so that I end up doing more unpleasant and draining work

it’s always assumed I’ll sacrifice my goals and needs for the sake of theirs

they seem to forget I have need for attention, affection and support, and no matter how much of it I give to them, I rarely or never get any in return

they don’t do anything for me, to the point where I feel neglected, lonely and sad as if I’m not in a relationship at all

if I point out they neglect me, they get angry and act as if I’m expecting the impossible from them, and accuse me of neglecting them instead

they’ve cheated on me before

they’ve cheated on me and decided it was my fault, because I wasn’t doing enough for them

they’ve cheated on me and demand forgiveness

they flirt with others when they know it makes me insecure and scared

they lie about the time they spend with others and make me feel guilty for doubting their lies

they go over my stuff, look thru my phone/computer/other private device, and make arguments to why they have the right to do it, and why I’m not to be trusted

they accuse me of cheating, flirting, and wanting to have relationships with others, to the point where I’m not allowed to look or talk to another person without getting punished for it

they feel they have the right to punish me, and often let me know they’re deciding just how dire of a punishment i have deserved

they insist on keeping the relationship secret to everyone, and I’m not allowed to let anyone know I’m even talking to them

they lied to me about having other relationships or being married

they make me feel like I’m hard to love

they frequently remind me of how much I am to deal with, and how much they have to sacrifice because of me

they frequently remind me of my every bad feature to remind me that I’m a burden to them, and that I should be grateful they still tolerate me

they keep promising they will never hurt me again, but they still keep repeating it

I always have to be reminded of how tough they had it and all the reasons they have for acting hurtful the way they do

I always have to focus on their problems, and push mine under the surface, theirs just seem to be more important

I always have to be considerate and hide my pain in order to not make them feel guilty

I always have to forgive them and keep acting like nothing bad happened when they hurt me

I’m sometimes scared of them, but I push it down and remind myself of the nice things they did

I’m sometimes worried they’re going to hurt me, but I remind myself of their potential to love me

I often feel used and exploited by them, and like they’re only with me to get something out of it

I keep waiting for them to return my love and act more supportive towards me for a long time

I sometimes want to break up but every time I start feeling this way they do something to make me feel too guilty to leave, or give me more hope that things will get better if I stay.

I feel if I leave them I’ll be doing the same thing everyone else has done to them, and I don’t want to be that person.

I feel obligated to stay because they’ll have nobody without me.

I feel like I owe them too much to leave them.

I feel like I’m here to prove to them that not everyone is awful, and that they can get what they need in life, and to restore their faith in humanity, and for this I’ve been enduring everything they did to me.

I feel like nobody will ever love me again if I leave.

I feel like I wouldn’t be able to survive without them.

I’m scared they’ll hurt me if I leave.

I’m scared they’ll hurt themselves if I leave.

they’ve threatened to hurt me, or hurt themselves if I leave

Psychological abuse

they insult me and/or call me names and slurs, and play it off as a joke a moment afterwards

they insist i don’t have a real reason for getting upset/offended/hurt

they humiliate and blame me for having problems and struggling with life

they insist that I caused all the problems for myself and I wouldn’t have them if I wasn’t so stupid/incapable/slow/mentally ill/lazy/problematic

they insist my problems are “made up” or just me dramatizing my situation

they question my choices until I start doubting them myself

they claim I’m too emotional and irrational to be making any choices

they call me “too difficult” or “too complicated” to deal with, and to love

they make me responsible for their feelings and actions towards me (if they do something it’s because “I made them do it”, if they feel angry it’s because I “provoked” them, if they feel unsatisfied it’s because I haven’t done enough for them)

they use my chronic illness/mental illness/psychological issues against me, to prove that I’m not a full person worthy of love, and that they’re supposed to be praised and rewarded for dealing with me

they use my past trauma/past experiences to explain why I’m distrustful and why I perceive them the way I do (implying that my perception is wrong and it’s my fault I don’t trust them)

they demand to decide how I should perceive their actions (they insist I should find their hurtful actions funny, charming, acts of good intentions)

they minimize and dismiss my feelings, concern, worry, anxiety, fear (you’re exaggerating, you’re dramatizing, get over it, get over yourself, people have it worse, you’re lucky, you should be grateful)

I can’t openly tell them when they’ve hurt me, I know it will make them angry/sad/upset

they make me comfort them when they hurt me

they get angry at mere implication that they did something wrong, and will fight to prove me otherwise, and punish me for making such accusation

they use my lack of knowledge in certain areas to make me look extremely dumb and ignorant

they belittle and put down my ideas, opinions, experiences and thoughts

they sometimes act like they don’t remember something they said or did to me that was really hurtful

they sometimes act like i did things they did (they will smash a vase and then ask me who smashed it, or why did I smash it the next day)

they insist they didn’t do or say things I can clearly remember them doing or saying, they demand my memory is wrong and that I must be imagining things (I would never do/say that!)

Body control

they make comments about my appearance that lowers my confidence

they make blatant requests and demands about how I should look/dress/take care of myself

they make demands and requests to what I should do with my own body

they talk as if it would be stupid for me to make my own decisions

they insult my body features, criticize my appearance, my weight, my dress choices

they insult features I feel really insecure about, and it makes me feel worse

they laugh at my appearance in front of others, and try to get others to notice a flaw

they compare me to others to show me how I should look, act and behave (why aren’t you more like x?)

Financial abuse (relationship/marriage specific)

they decided I spend too much and used it to take control of finances

they insist on controlling the finances and income, and dismiss me as too incapable to deal with such things

they don’t like me having a source of income and insist I should become financially dependent on them (maybe they framed it like “you don’t have to work, I’ll take care of you”)

they’ve managed to make me financially dependent on them, and they’re using it against me

they demand I don’t have equal rights to decide and manage our finances since they’re the only one bringing the income

they withhold money from me unless I do everything they want and expect of me to do

they make priorities to spend on luxury for themselves, while dismissing my necessities (basic clothing, food, hygiene items, healthcare needs, current project needs)

they decide how much I’m allowed to spend and I have to show proof of it

they lie to me about finances and our current standing

they spend large amounts of money secretly (on gambling, prostitution, alcohol, drugs)

I was forced to pay off their debts/credits/payments for their own belongings

I was forced to save them from financial trouble, and they only made more financial trouble

I’m forced to support them due to their unwillingness to work/losing a job on purpose

they emotionally/psychologically abuse me if I don’t give them full rights to my finances

Sexual abuse (tw rape)

they sexualize my behaviour, take my words and actions sexually when they’re not meant to be, and accuse me of “provoking them”

they get upset and angry if I refuse them for sex, or if I refuse to do a certain act

they punish me for refusing, withhold affection, care, resources from me

they don’t accept me saying “no” to sex, and will keep pressuring me

I don’t always feel like I can easily say no to them, they make me feel like I owe them sex

they’ve told me I’m ungrateful, cruel, selfish and withholding for refusing

if I said yes to something they assume it’s a yes for every time they want it, I’m not allowed to change my mind afterwards

I’m forced to give them sexual favours for holidays/birthdays that I don’t enjoy or want to do

they pressure and coerce me into sex acts I’m not sure I want to do, or I’m sure I don’t want to do them

they’ve been pressuring me to include other people in our sexual life, when I don’t want to

they’ve physically forced me into sex without my consent before

they touch me when I don’t feel comfortable with them doing so

they don’t stop touching me when I tense up/freeze

they’re rough and inconsiderate during sex, and don’t seem to care if they’re hurting me

they don’t stop when I’m hurt, overwhelmed, in pain, crying, making pained noises, paralyzing

they use sex to lash out their anger, and end up hurting me

they humiliate, insult, call me derogatory names and slurs, and emotionally abuse me during sex

they’ve inflicted injuries onto me during sex

they’ve done things I specifically told them not to during sex

they’ve done things to me during sex that I mentioned before to be uncomfortable with

they’ve put me in position where I couldn’t refuse to do a sexual act

they control me during sex, and will get angry or forceful if I don’t obey

they refuse to offer any gentleness and physical care during sex

they refuse to be gentle and considerate to me except after they’ve already hurt me sexually

they demand a lot of sexual attention but refuse to give any to me

they demand a lot of touch and physical affection but refuse to look at me or touch me the same way

they will call me disgusting/undesirable/ugly/unlovable and refuse to touch me, at the same time demanding that I give them what they want sexually

they’ve done things to me without my knowledge (while incapacitated, asleep, unconscious)

they’ve filmed our sexual contact without my knowledge, and/or shared it with others

*even if you seek out or derive pleasure from sexual abuse it will still inflict psychological injuries, and any person who would harm you during intimacy is not safe for your well being

If you bolded more than 7 items on this list, you are dealing with an abusive partner/friend. This is not a complete list of abusive behaviour, but it’s as extensive as I was able to make it. If you can think of more abusive behaviour not listed here, add it to the list! Also, if you have confirmed you’re in an abusive relationship with a man, your next reading should be “Why does he do that”, download it here.

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