heyy do u still get ur period? i rlly dont wanna be infertile and every time i st*rve i lose my period.

i still have it, i don't exactly starve myself. and that's why im fat

and im horny on top of it too. very weird combination

im so so anxious for no reason at all i can barely breathe but nothing at all has happened im just lying in bed i want to die

i get drunk and life has a meaning again. im so glad i don't live with my parents anymore

and had to just silently cry in the bathroom for a couple minutes because i live with a fucking roommate in this tiny little room i just need to be alone for a bit please god let me just rest

was in the fucking studio for 12 hours today doing uni work and im still so much behind i have a thousand things to do and after that i went to grab some food with a friend and i fucking fainted out of nowhere and then we went to a cafe and i almost had a panic attack in front if everyone and i had to leave and im just so overwhelmed and i hate my life and literally everything i just need a break

but i can't even think about getting into a relationship before i lose like 10kg i feel so disgusting why can't i just stop eating i hate myself

wish i just had one person here next to me to love and to trust

keep fantasizing about someone shooting me in the head because what is the point if everything like genuinely and what difference would it make if i just stop living, like it's not enough for me to do it myself but i would be more than happy if someone else were to do it for me you know. i just don't want to wake up tomorrow and do all the stuff i have to, i have so much work it's just exhausting

no matter what i do at the end i always just feel sad and lonely and im just so tired of everything i genuinely don't want to be alive and i cant just keep getting drunk

i dont have a scale so my current goal is 50cm thighs and 60cm waist

by no means do i look good rn tho, it's just better than it used to be. a couple more centimeters from my thighs and waist and i will be okay i think, restricting has been going pretty well

i have always thought that i dont really have an ed/that it isn't that bad because it never felt that obsessive to me but i really feel like i will never truly recover from it because i can genuinely never be happy in an average body, i had gained weight (was whole 60kg) during the holidays + my exams and it made me feel sick anytime i caught a glimpse of it, it makes me feel so sad and disgusting and just absolutely hideous, it was genuinely making me want to kms but now that i have been restricting for a while, eating more "healthy", occasionally purging, walking more etc and finally starting to see some results i feel so much more confident and pretty and just ughhh i will forever be like this

also i really need to lose some weight it's driving me insane having any fat on my body at all i just hate seeing it feeling it but if i don't eat i have even less energy and i can't focus at all just ughhh what do i do what do i do im so fat my thighs are huge

there are a lot of good stuff about uni too but im usually too tired to sit down and write here about them dont worry about me guys im doing a lot better than i used to and everything will be alright in the end im sure i just need to get myself together everything is fine i just needed to let it out im okay generally speaking and im sure i will get everything done rn im just so so tired

im not well at all like in the head i just sit for hours and hours and do nothing at all and then go to work and then im so drained but I don't go to sleep i just sit for hours and hours and do nothing instead and i haven't slept in so long but i cant sleep and I don't want to i just sit and do nothing and nothing and nothing and im so much behind on my work i will never get it finished on time but i cant even get stressed out or anything i feel nothing and I don't have any energy for anything at all i need to go do my laundry and clean up my room but i cantt i cant i cant i also need to draw like a thousand million sketches and have a whole project that would probably take 20 hours of work straight if not more and then another 3 smaller projects and need to study for four different exams that are in less than a month and just ughh abhhna.akhehw i hate myself i hate everything but also like not really because im very much calm but i shouldn't be i have no idea what's happening to me or what i will do like with my life in general everything is so weird nothing even feel real i really need to go do my laundry and then i have work and omg what will i do with the projects i don't even have a pencil because i let my sister borrow it when i went home for christmas and she didn't give it back and i also had a huge huge fight with my dad and it stressed me out so bad i had a whole panic attack in front of him and he just wouldn't stop yelling and yelling about how he got the worst child in the entire world and how he hates me and whatnot and now he calls me 10 times a day to ask how im doing like nothing happened and if i dont pick up the phone one single time he starts yelling at me again and im literally going to lose my mind i have work in a couple of hours

i lied im doing horrible i hate my life i wish i could die but i have to go to work now and then have so many projects to work on just ughhh someone kill me please why is it so hard for me to just sit down and do them