Love, Nineteen

Sometimes I feel too much all at once. All these thoughts come to me and I’m thinking about everything and anything all at once and it makes me feel so overwhelmed. Its too much all at once. Everyone is going to leave me soon  or they already have because I am nothing but a passing thought.Ive held onto one friendship so tightly and I can feel it slipping away, like she was never meant to be in my life for this long. Its all too much at once. I need to go to school and get a job so I can work myself to the bone and not be happy with who I am or what I do. So my mom can have something to brag about and I don’t have to keep hiding from everyone during family gatherings, I don’t have to embarrassed for taking time for myself. Its all too much at once. I just want to move away to another state, alone so I can start over, change my name get a part time job so I can barely afford rent but ill be alone I don’t need anyone else. Im so scared to be alone, I don’t want to feel useless I will give up everything I have ever loved to help someone, if it means they will be happy to be with me then why not. Its all too much at once. 

Jan.11.2022

jan.11.2022.

I will be 19.

And I have no idea what I'm doing. Sometimes I just want to pack a bag. Without telling anyone. Hop on a plane, and land somewhere in Seattle. I have enough in my savings for a studio. I get a part time job that barely pays rent, just until I finish school. I’ll be gone. Away from everyone I know, everything I've ever known In my life, every friend who’s left me to go do amazing things with their life, gone. 

The Wait.

it’s done, Over. you called things off for the right reasons and yet i’m still holding on. you told me “i don’t expect you to wait.” but come on, you know i will. Everyday i will check my phone only to see our goodbyes and no new messages. I can’t every talk to my friends because of how embarrassing and sad it is.

You make me feel so worn out.

Our Routine

We can talk for hours, but we always end up confused...and uncertain. You’d change the subject because its too real to deal with and i’d go day to day, starring at my phone, waiting for you to text me..listening to a specific playlist i made because of you, while tears fill my eyes..But i’d still feel the love, the love that has been here for years...

I hope you find everything you think that you want.

The more I get to know people the more I realize most of them don’t want to listen, they only wait for their turn to speak.

Marta A. (violetmoonn.tumblr.com)

Pure Hate

Do you ever have that one person you hate, Just hate. They steal your friends, boyfriend, But for some reason you wanna be their friend? no matter whether you’re being fake to them or yourself. You just wanna get rid of this feeling of hate, pure hate.But every time you see them you wanna yell and just be mad for no reason....