I grip the sink, staring down at the blood that stains the rim. The nose trimmers that sit beside the bowl. The mirror shows me a face I wish I didn't know: bloodshot blue-grey eyes, puffy from tears, black shadows underneath them. I'm pretty when I cry, or so I've been told. My nose is pink, so are my cheeks. But my lungs burn, and I want to rip them from my chest. 

I pick up the scissors again, and stick out my tongue, cutting off the white bumps on the top, the white scars that run the length of the pink muscle, and I tell myself the whole time that it's not self harm if I'm not sad. But my nose is stuffy and my eyes are puffy. It's midnight and I'm thinking about the box cutter that I used to give myself that scar on my left forearm. 

24/05/2022

the sexual tension between me and slitting my wrists in the tub

having chronic pain is like *adjusts sitting position* *adjusts sitting position* *adjusts sitting position* *adj

when the “10 tips on how to make showering easy for disabled people” list doesn’t include a shower chair or a shower/changing table or grab bars etc, i know they don’t care about us physically disabled people.

good for u that turning off the lights and lighting a scented candle instead and listening to music or put on a show and using a bath bomb etc etc helps u but like none of those tips are that beneficial for physically disabled ppl specifically.

it’s good that those tips are there but for once we’d love to be included.

My sweet baby inner teen is so goddamn sad. I wish I could rescue her. I'm working on it, baby. I promise. I'm sorry I couldn't save you then, but I'm saving us now. I promise. I promise.

pro tip

ur friends don't hate you

nobody is secretly mad at you

you have anxiety and that's ok you are loved

It's very common for people to push those with demonised personality disorders to the end of their tether via manipulation, bullying, abuse, etc. and then get upset with them when they inevitably snap.

It happens a lot within the neurodivergent community, too! People spread lies about us, do things that purposely upset/trigger us and then when we start to get upset/stand up for ourselves/etc. it's "sEE??? we were right about them all along!!!!"

I love you people who show kindness because "it's what you're supposed to do". I love you people who show kindess because they like being thanked. I love you people who show kindness because it makes them feel good. I love you people who show kindness because they were shown kindness first. I love you people who show kindness for "selfish" reasons. I love you people who show kindness for the "wrong" reasons. I love you people who show kindness in a body that rejects the very notion. Your kindness is not any lesser because of its motivations. The good you added to the world is just as valuable as someone doing it for the "right" reasons. Your effort is seen. Your effort is valued.

btw shout out to people with disorders that are stigmatized as dangerous killers who actually have homicidal thoughts and urges. people with DID, ASPD, schizospec disorders and psychosis, ect. you're not perpetuating stereotypes or ableist by existing and having your personal experience and anyone who blames you for that is an asshole. take care.

ASPD culture is finally reaching your breaking point and just. Stopping. Not caring. Feeling nothing but apathy. Reaching the other side of rage and coming out with perfect blankness

aspd-culture is

Cluster B culture is thinking you give a "you look down on people vibes" and not knowing what to do about it

.

I hate this. I'm so fixated on one specific person and its killing me. All I want to do is eat her, it's all I can think about.

My dad left when I was 6. My mom hated me. My step dad was violent without restraint against me.

I couldn't make one whole parent out of the three I had, and there are kids out there with two, three, four parents with nothing but love for them.

Those kids are the luckiest in the world.