Coz this angel has flown away from me...

How we missed you so much daddy.. I cannot grieve, i cannot accept, i cannot move on.. You are so alive in my head. I hope you are here. I cannot collect any word to put my feelings into one group.. The pain is just enormous. It's so heavy.. I miss you big time

Have had a relapse last night. I am undiagnosed of any emotional condition but I know I have after all that has happened—which were all perfect ingredient for a trauma.

Growing up, I was born and raised in a tough environment. Maybe not physically tough but more on the intangibles. At an early age, I was exposed to the reality that we need to be the best that we can be for people to accept us for who we are. And, I hated it the most to admit that their acceptance was one of the major factors. Growing up with imperfection, made me so much insecure of myself. My lineage, although I have embraced it now, my childhood pain caused by it still haunts me.  Material incapacity has given a big blow on how I carry myself. I feel that I can never be enough, that people are mocking me for my choices.

Now, that I am married, it seized most of my traumas but it also has unlocked new ones. In my life, there are only rare times that I have really asserted myself and what I really want. Even to purchasing what I deem to be my need is such a chore on me. Recently, that has been my constant fight with myself. I have to seek approval from my husband for everything, which creates a crisis from within. I hate myself for being so weak. I really find it amazing when women can make a decision and can assert on their own.

I was just unlucky that the dynamics of my environment fostered unhealthy growth for me. I need help. I need someone that is willing to listen and somebody that will have time to engage for me to open myself…..