25-9-2018 @1842 hours

one more year, I tell myself. one more year. and soon one more year will turn into six more months, and six more months will turn into 6 more tests. eventually our putrid social interactions will condense into one more week, and then one more day. and then I shall be anew

21-09-2018 @0030 hours

i know it shouldnt matter and it doesnt. it does not matter how i lost my virginity or when. that date has no significance. there will be many other days besides september 21. there will even be two, three, four days in a row! theres so much more to sex than just the first time. even if the first time is so far the only time. there will be summer sex—even though it was warm on Thursday, September 21, 2017 and you wore a dress—and youre gonna love the sweat. and you will not be bought korean food out of pity and then dropped off at a bus station without a goodbye kiss. there will be fall sex—legitimate fall sex where the windows have halloween decorations and the smell of rain mingles with the usual smells. there will be winter sex under the covers in the dark and with two pairs of socks on instead of one. there will be spring sex that will let you forget your seasonal allergies. there will be loud sex and angry sex and giggly sex and slow sex and lots and lots of different types of condoms. you will be cuddled—yes, even on a certain September 21 in later years—and not pushed aside in frustration for not getting your partner to finish. september 21 is not important. there will be many september 21s. most will not even be on september 21. and then eventually september 21 will continue being remembered as part of a song lyric instead of part of my life.

First Confirmed Image of Newborn Planet

SPHERE, one of the most powerful planet-hunting instruments on ESO’s Very Large Telescope (VLT), has captured the first confirmed image of a planet, named PDS 70b, in the act of forming in the dusty disc surrounding a young star named PDS 70. The young planet, clearly visible as a bright point to the right of the blackened centre of the image, is carving a path through the primordial disc of gas and dust around the very young star. The SPHERE instrument also measured the brightness of the planet at different wavelengths. Due to this, scientists were able to deduce the properties of the exoplanet’s atmosphere.

PDS 70b orbits its parent star, an about 10 million years old low-mass T Tauri Star, T Tauri stars are a pre-main-sequence Stars which can be found near molecular clouds and are associated with youth (these stars are less than about ten million years old), which is located 370 light years away from Earth in the constellation Centaurus, at a distance of three billion kilometres, roughly equivalent to the distance between Uranus and the Sun, and, as analysis have shown, PDS 70b is a gas giant with several times the mass of Jupiter. With a temperature of about 1000°C, it is much hotter than any planet in our solar system.

Discs, like the one around PDS 70, which has a radius of approximately 140 au and a large gap (~65 au), are birthplaces of planets, but so far only a handful of observations have detected hints of newly formed planets in them and the problem with these observations is, that most of these planet candidates could just have been features in the disc. The dark region at the centre of the image is due to a coronagraph. A coronagraph is a telescopic attachment designed to block out the direct light from a star before it reaches the telescope’s detector. (On a bright day, you maybe use your hand to block the glare of the sun so that you can see other things, this is the same principle behind this instrument).

I can’t believe this

29-05-2018 @2311

i wish i were still smart and neurotypical. remember that? remember feeling alert and awake in reality, grabbing at every lemon? remember noticing little details and making connections and being correct and pondering out loud and feeling your brain hum and buzz from all the intelligence stirring within? remember doing homework on your own the day it was assigned, taking forever but getting it done, always top quality? remember going to school to learn and have fun and you ended up building integrity and a reputation among teachers? remember when people openly said they had hopes and aspirations for you, because you were one of the “good” students? remember not understanding why classmates gave up so easily, why they were gentle on themselves for literally not handing in their best work on time (or at all), how dare they? remember feeling light and thin and breezy and easy in the face of it all? remember feeling afloat and alive and strikingly conscious? remember having a corny sense of humor and thats it? remember taking for granted how special you were to teachers? remember contributing to a healthy environment, having friends, laughing together?

so much has changed now, but its not just a change. a change implies something old has been replaced with something new, but i feel a loss, a loss of intelligence, of drive, of reputation, of the atoms that made up the wonderful person who was me. where did she go? how sunny she was, how radiant. she didnt give a single fuck about where she stood in the system, but she still therorized about her place in the world. the stars used to shine so brightly back then too, im sure of it, i was just too distracted by my supernova to notice.

i hope in my next house i have a view of the sky from my bed so i can fall asleep gazing into the past.

28-05-2018 @1832

the fact that people who don't pay taxes are already complaining about where their nonexistent taxes are gonna go just shows how fucking generationally traumatic capitalism is

27-05-2018 @1655

I think the best part of being high is how simultaneously vivid and surreal reality looks. the first time I got high, my eyelids were dead weights and I couldn't focus on anything for the life of me. the corners of my eyes buzzed and my brain stopped holding hands with its synapses. time slowed down, colors vomited everywhere, my heartbeat was on loudspeaker. I was in denial but I couldn't speak, I was that shocked.

the second time I got high was a week later. you would think I would feel some sort of reaffirmation that, yes, I got high, but it was the same experience. we smoked sativa but my eyes still stared at nothing, my mind fucked itself into oblivion and promised not to catch a single train of thought on time. we lost the $30 cartridge.

the third time was the best for everyone. last sunday, after my birthday party where 8 of the 17 showed up, we went downstairs and lit up. my frustrations melted away, the happiness of my music and movement and company flooded my heart, I was in a video game. standing, swaying, I felt nothing in this darkness was real, I zoomed in on danny’s face and he was cgi, perfectly clear and computerized, his movements liquid. my brilliance led me to the swings, where I soared and let my brain tingle with the air around us. its true that the best birthday presents arent wrapped but rolled.

29-03-2018 @0952

i wish bradley and i could wake up on white linen with birds chirping out the open window. i’m rolling his blunt on a white marble countertop, matted hair in face, his large band t-shirt down to my knees. bradley is embracing me from behind with his sleepy face, eyes half closed, lips parted with a wisp of last night’s high floating in the air, gently rocking me to a childish gambino song. i feel his chest rise and fall, his chin resting gingerly on my head, his arms sluggishly guiding me from side to side. all is well. i can feel the heat of his body and the sun coming down in shafts from the terrace across the kitchen. 

today we are throwing clothes in our old school backpacks, wrapping up mozzarella sandwiches, and riding upstate to the cornfields. my motorcycle whines, spits, and fires up with a heavy choke. we stop along the countryside, barren apart from the neatly-cut plots of land, to a decaying gas station. two disposable cameras and a six-pack later, our hair is back to blowing in the wind, our chests heaving in exhilaration, our hearts racing, our faces flushed, our minds frantically clear.

the stalks of corn tower over us in yellow rays, pregnant with cobs at their ends. i brush one hand along as we walk to make them bend, my other hand is in bradley's. he sips a corona as the sky swells with stars.

we find ourselves on a hill overlooking the line where the corn and the stars meet, the sun now long gone, our bodies sinking into the soft dirt, our lungs lighting up the sky with our blunts.

i feel myself slowly getting high on a Nebraska field under a Nebraska night, making love to a Nebraska boy.

25-03-2018 @1748

enamel pins ideas!

made daddy proud

kids these days

tongue and cheek

sweet cheeks

coats & microscopes

alternativa

remove before flight

girl gang

{drawing of an engine}

tooty

cassette player

clouds in my coffee (for shanizea)

comet

sublime

only if you like it

yuck me up

victoire de samothrace

12-3-2018 @2353

how can i tell you i love you, which you already know, in a way so powerful you’ll fall for me all over again?

12-3-2018 @2259

i know i said i would go to sleep but oh well. i cant stop thinking about him in an agonizing way because even though he professed his love for me, i cant help but get scared and pull back in defense. i dont want to trust him this early in the relationship because god forbit i regret to see the day again?

but he said so but its shady but he said he was “madly in love” with me but when i finally decided to trust him, he seemed less interested. i cling desperately to every bit of affection he presents me and i see now that if i had said something sooner, if i hadnt gotten scared and pushed him away, he would still be as crazy about me as i find myself to be about him.

and yet and yet. did he really mean it? did he mean it when he said part of it was the facetime? why wont he facetime? did he mean it? that it was more than just the nudes? that he became “madly in love” for more than just that (not that he has a say anyway, because i wont be sending nudes since im too paranoid to do anything in my room anymore)? one has to wonder what hes really doing with all his free time. thinking of me? or talking to some other girls? why am i fixated on one random 17-year old from the Ohio National Guard? tall and thick and lean and built and with subtle green eyes and a deep dimple on his right cheek and messy hair and nice cheekbones and sharp jawline and supple, curved lips and delicate teeth and gentile nose?

and god, when he winks and his almond eye closes and his lip raises on one side in a smirk exposing his white, lickable teeth, i swear he was made perfectly. the way he talks about himself, the way hes so good with words, his “babe” and “love,” i want infinitely more of him than i am getting, than i was getting

9-3-2018 @1637

in my mind

420 is a gingerhead

opening snap with his grimy fingers

with the smell of weed so crummy it lingers

9-3-2018 @1620

do you ever think about how fucking unimportant you are?

well, keep that in mind next time

your image falls onto indifferent eyes

8-3-2018 @1949

white linen, white rose?

where are you?

you are in the sticky, deep voice of cha-teau

the force of you entrancing, fucking in a California king 

you are the space between the two beats, the base

the downwards curve of the oh in love

in babe you rest your adam’s apple

and in your moans, pick it back up

the snaps are your fingertips on my skin

where are you?

your smile hidden in the let’s go

and your magnetism in the shy crack of the word rose?

5-3-2018 @2240 rich dreams

rich boy

no love just fuckin in a california

king, baby i

no love no love no love

~

rich boy you give me nice dreams

your collar, your skin exposed

the curve of your lips and your ring

your skin, soft, your hips strong

hiding behind a polo i would want to rip off

have me in the back of your mercedes

no words just your fingers and your hair in my eyes,

sticky behind my back

can you do it fast like your jet?

i want that three story view as we fuck

of toronto of the city at dusk

i want my hair balled up in your fist, your slacks on the floor, your ring in my mouth

your dick in my

i want that green school uniform around my shoulders

i want you shirtless in the rain with your hand up my skirt

youre a flirt and you know this, grab my ass and bite on it

do you fit?

rich boy i want your life to be mine