shizukanashizumaru-blog
Nobody special
“He who is too well off is always longing for something new.”
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shsllotus:
Barely a step later and he’s stopping her to talk. This defeats the purpose of sneaking off, doesn’t it? But she might as well get it over with. Soon, hopefully.
He continues despite her unspoken agreeance to hear him out. It’s not too surprising that someone who also had a wound would notice a wound on another. Especially when that someone tended to fuss over tiny things. He was like Lewis, in some regard. Worrying and fussing over everything, so sure it would someday be a problem. Though Shizumaru was a bit more proactive. Ah well.
“You think what, exactly? They are bad? You would be right. But I do not need help. Not because you are the one to ask it, but because I do not need it.”
Brave words, but she knew it barely bordered on truth, and if she didn’t sit down soon, it would fall into the realm of lies.
“I know. It is no good. I am aware of the danger here-after all we are four less. But as said, I do not need help. If someone tries to do me ill, it will not happen easy.”
She knew Shizumaru meant no harm but something told her she didn’t always know that. Taking something like that for granted was bad here. And from someone like him as well…it didn’t seem right to just let it happen so easily.
There’s this annoying feeling again. Why is it that whenever he tries to help someone here, they resist it with all their might? Even when it’s clear that they’re troubled. Was he that unreliable? ... It was something FATHER said. It had weighed on him tremendously. Snapped him awake after minutes of rest. The trials that had occured... those that’d been lost... he tried not to think of that as his fault. That it was due to the circumstances. But the pressure he was placing on himself wasn’t so easily moved. Even though he thought it’d be easier working with people to stop these things, nothing... really seemed to be changing. Just like footprints in thise white winter, his efforts would be gone with the next snowfall.
That’s why he had to change something up.
Even if it meant he was annoying and even if it made people think of him poorly. In a way, he had to wonder what it even mattered if they did. He had only made one friend here and that was Yukari. After the whole bridge incident, he hadn’t spoken to her. No doubt, that friendship was gone. He had rejected Ryoka’s kindness. Yelled at Lewis, yelled at Lotus. And... he’d poisoned Lotus himself. There was no hiding from that one. So maybe what he ‘seemed like’ didn’t matter; he’d never been good with social norms, anyway.
Shizumaru closes his eyes and reaches for the wooden sword he’s had on his person ever since he’d found it. In one quick motion he smashes it against one of the walls. Not towards Lotus, but she’d no doubt felt the fierce breeze from the movement.
“Overconfident. And naive.”
His eyes narrow.
“It won’t be so easy? I’ll be sure to tell your family killing you wasn’t easy when you die. Is your pride so high you’d rather risk your life than ask for help? I don’t particularly... care if you trust me. But trust someone. Walking around like that i dangerous. Even if... even if LISE was out of the equation... are you so confident you can live in these conditions like that? ... If so... you’re a fool.“
Shizumaru eases his posture a little. He hadn’t realized how tense he’d become. Drawing the sword back close to him he glances away for a second before looking back her way.
“You actually have people to go back to. Don’t... ruin that with your selfishness. Don’t get yourself killed.“
Don't Trust Somebody Who Can't Trust You || Closed
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shsllotus:
After all the mess that had happened, both in the lab and in the guesthouse, she was fairly eager to be away from people-just for a little while. And what better place to do so than in a room only she could access? Well…her guesthouse technically counted as well but something about the Therapy Centre steered people away from it, despite it’s actual intentions.
Except Shizumaru, apparently. She’d only stopped a moment to steady herself when he’d shown up. He hadn’t said anything, nor did he say anything so maybe he hadn’t noticed her or the miserable state she was in-
Ah. A nod in her direction. So much for that.
She hesitated, clearly wishing to limp to her room and lick her wounds as soon as possible but eventually gave a weak nod in return. Then, she wrapped his scarf-that she still wasn’t sure when he’d want back, thinking now of it-and focused on walking slowly towards her room. One step at a time, just ignore any stares and it’ll be fine. Show no weakness until the door closes.
A casual gretting. That’s all it should’ve been. And yet... something about this wasn’t right. The way she was moving... seemed off. Lotus might’ve still been angry at him. Maybe he had no right to be concerned. But those things came second to genuine worry. He approached with cautious footsteps, hands tightened near his scarf as he tried to show he was no threat to her. Maybe it was him poking his nose into something personal but when she looked like that, he couldn’t leave it alone.
“L... Miss Lotus. May I have a moment?“
Shizumaru frowns, unsure of his words. He has no idea how to soften his tone, no idea how to speak to someone he’s clearly wronged. He clears his throat and continues on.
“T... those wounds. They look serious. Are you... I think...“ he closes his eyes before continuing on. “You need some help. I know I’m probably not someone you wish to receive help from, but, please. For now, just allow me to assist you. You’re in no state to be walking around like this. It’s dangerous. For a lot of reasons.“
After the huge fight he got into with Satoko, he wasn’t sure how to approach these things. But he wasn’t about to stop now. He couldn’t. It was... just... somehow, a part of him.
Don't Trust Somebody Who Can't Trust You || Closed
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Don't Trust Somebody Who Can't Trust You || Closed
The Therapy Centre seems almost unfamiliar to him now. Outside of the one time he first experienced and grabbed a sword, he hasn’t... really returned. Not on his own, anyway. The Ryoka matter was... something of an anomaly. The soft comfort this whole building emanated wasn’t for him... it was if, no matter what, he hadn’t earned it and being here made him feel out of place. A thought would always cross his mind ‘what did you do to be here?’. It was an exhausting back and forth, wanting something and debating one’s right to it. One he’d rather not have, if he could help it. That sort of thinking did no one any good.
So why go through all the trouble in that case?
There was certainly no Ryoka to find nor any stuffed animal he wished to get comfort from, it was more of a... curiosity. His room had a variety of books, mostly fairytales, folklore, that sort of thing. Given the nature of the island, was there a possibility something was hidden in one of those volumes? Some sort of code, some sort of hidden page or cut-out... some sense of himself or who he was. It was honestly a long shot. He’d read through them when he first arrived but maybe he missed something. Maybe it was just worth trying harder. At the very least, he figured he wouldn’t lose anything.
Yet, on his way there... he couldn’t help but notice someone else was already here. Lotus. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to get in her way. Things were still... a little weird between them. Understandably, considering what he’d done.
He was content to just nod at her in greeting and move on. Tha should be alright, right?
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ryokaumehara:
Ryoka actually looks a bit hurt at that. Eyes widening in shock she can’t help but physically recoil at his questions. To have her intentions questioned like this… It’s not like she didn’t understand where he was coming from, or didn’t know that Shizumaru wasn’t great at gently handling subjects, but to still be doubted like this hurt.
Then again this was often the case when she spoke with Shizumaru, wasn’t it?
“Of course don’t want to hurt anyone… I promise! I don’t wanna betray anyone here either! S-Sure some of us have had our difference but… Everyone here is really dear to me! I can’t really remember anyone else important to me so… Everyone here is all that I have. That’s why- I…”
Trailing off, Ryoka gradually goes quiet. She turns his eyes down to the floor, not even being able to manage to meeting Shizumaru in the eyes. It seems like this was a touchy subject for Ryoka as her emotions are getting the best of her. Try as she might to keep her composure under control, it doesn’t take long for her eyes to begin watering.
“I… I’m really scared Kirikubo-san.”
Her voice trembles as she speaks. Clutching the stuffed animal even tighter she curls in on herself slightly.
“Ever since that video played I… I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. About myself, about what I saw… What if I start to remember more about myself and turn into that? What if I suddenly start wanting to hurt you guys? I r-really don’t want to harm anyone b-but… I don’t know what to do.”
From the way she’s acting it seems like this is something Ryoka has thought about a lot. Yeah she sure is troubled ain’t she? Some thoughts for your thots….
Ah... she looked... troubled. That was probably obvious, or it should’ve been. If he were in her position, how would he feel? But it was hard to know what to say or how others were feeling. Even if he could predict such a thing, could he appropriately say the right things? Soothe when needed, be forceful when the moment struck? He had no idea. People were hard... and complicated. And that was without the added stress of, well, all of this.
Her words, again, hit a bitter chord with him. The way she so easily says ‘everyone’... he wonders why it bothers him so much. Maybe because she’s so naive about it.
“’Really dear’... you say. I see. To have your care... I suppose we should be lucky.“
His voice and expression seems distant as he says that. The way she implies closeness where it isn’t... he can’t fathom it. Is that ‘normal’ for people, as well? If it is, then who needs a friend? Everyone’s a friend. Is that really such a good way to live?
And then... she cries. His head whips around so fast he’s almost not sure he’s seeing it right at first.
This is what’s been on her mind. It’s clear. It would probably be on his, too. He has no idea what to say to her. His reassurances would come off as cheap because... well, they’d be insincere. If he told her ‘that’s not who you are’, what would that do? Reassure, perhaps, but at what cost if it falls through later? He’s not going to lie to make someone feel better. He won’t. That’ll only sour things later. Honesty is the best policy and if that’s the case... if that’s the case. Then he’ll say it the best way he can, in his own words.
“That person you saw on the video... that’s you, Umehara-san. I don’t doubt that. But, so long as you don’t want to be that person, you can change. If you’ve done terrible things, all the more reason to do your best and live. Live, so you can see what you’ve done and repent for it. Live, so that you can find the truth out for yourself. Live in a way that the Ryoka Umehara of right now can be proud of.”
He scratches his cheek awkwardly.
“I... am not dear to you. I don’t want to be considered some ‘everyone’ or a ‘friend’ if we don’t know each other well. But... I am still here. And you are still not alone. If I see you become that person again... I will stop you. So rather than worry about what you could be, focus on what you want to be. These burdens aren’t yours alone to carry - and... I’d say it’s fine, if you want to vent them out sometimes.“
What One Keeps to Oneself || Closed
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satokoihara:
“What…what are you doing?”
The action was so sudden that it reset all of her anger and resentment, replacing them with shock and confusion. She stared at him, wide-eyed, open-mouthed, searching for some kind of answer.
“Y-You…who do you think I am, exactly? Of course I don’t - of course I don’t want to see people die! And I - I’m not…stupid enough to think I’m invincible.”
She breathed in hard, trying to regain her usual resolve. She wasn’t invincible, but she was strong enough to save herself. That was what mattered, wasn’t it? But as Shizumaru brought up Giselle and Tsuneko, there was a noticeable shift in her demeanor. Her eyes darted from one side to the other as she remembered their faces, remembered the faces of the young girls from the video that had called out to her, their pleas for her return.
She closed her eyes.
“Fine.”
Her voice was quiet, but firm. Satoko opened her eyes and held out her hand, her expression and posture back to their usual prideful state.
“It’s a deal. But don’t make me regret this.”
Honestly, he was pretty surprised too. Well, he had intended to gesture, that was one thing, but he hadn’t expected his own attack against himself to be so painful. His face was really feeling warm on that side now. It... was fair. That’s how Satoko herself must’ve felt. Apologizing when he didn’t mean it was unfair; he was worried and he didn’t want her to do that again. But he was still sorry he pushed it to that point. Both of those... could be true. Right? If that message was conveyed, that was enough for him.
“I’m making us even, that’s all. Hmm... ha... haha, I really am sorry. To be struck like that... it hurts. I shouldn’t have done that - really.”
His laugh is a little strained not just because of the context but just because laughing comes so unnaturally to him.
“I don’t know you very well, Ihara-san. That’s true. I don’t even know myself very well. That’s why I’m glad you agree - that you also want everyone to keep on going.“ Maybe that’s not what she meant but it was a fine enough take away, he felt. “If we work together, we can make this work. And, if we believe that, I think... I think escaping isn’t a fantasy.“
Unfortunately, he didn’t really have a cool speech in mind. All he had was his sincerity, which often read out like one of the books he kept in his room. It wasn’t wise nor creative, but maybe, just maybe, it was enough to get people to work together. And to maybe get him to stop trying so hard to take on this leader position.
And then... it happens. Quiet enough to miss but strong enough to be clear.
Fine.
Shizumaru smiles with visible relief. He hadn’t planned any of this out. All he had was his cheap honour and stupid sincerity. It really was a huge comfort.
“T-thank you. Ihara-san, really, thank you. I won’t let you down! I swear on my life!“
Perhaps he shouldn’t have said that so easily but at the time he really did feel that way.
Laid Them Beneath the Juniper Tree || Closed
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ryokaumehara:
Ryoka simply nodded along as the other thanked her, barely listening as she hugged the stuffed animal close to her chest.
To tell the truth Ryoka didn’t want to sit down and answer any questions– not wanting a repeat of her last conversation with Kou to occur. She had been hoping for Shizumaru to apologize, go off on his way, and leave Ryoka to shuffle back into her own therapy room with her newly acquired stuffed animal in hand. But things just weren’t that simply it seemed.
Sure she could have told him to go away but even in her current state she didn’t want to be rude. Ryoka may have been a mess but she didn’t want to be a jerk.
“I’ll be fine it’s… Not necessary.”
She shook her head with a small frown. Even if he did have a lot to ask Ryoka was pretty confident she’d be able to get through most of his questions fairly quickly. It’s not like she had any good answers anyways.
“If you really want to ask then I won’t stop you, but… I’ll just say right now that whatever you you want to ask I probably wont have an answer. I still don’t remember much I’m afraid… Or really anything about myself.”
Ryoka hugs the stuffed animal closer to her chest. To be quite honest was a bit scary not knowing anything about herself. Being afraid of who she was before. Part of her didn’t even want to remember at this rate.
She was... clearly troubled, wasn’t she?
Well, naturally, he supposed. It wasn’t an easy thing to talk about no matter which way it was sliced. If that ‘Ryoka’ was unrecognizable to her, she was being confronted was a potential dark future. With memories she may not want to possess... or remember at all. And... if that ‘Ryoka’ was familiar... if she was that person, even now, she might not want to give it away. She might want to keep up this ruse. Even in that footage, she’d spoken sweetly; perhaps she wanted to keep that image up.
Whatever the truth was, he wanted to find it. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to discern the truth from this conversation but he at least felt he’d know a bit more about Ryoka. If he just talked to her person-to-person, maybe that would be enough.
Shizumaru offered her a short and slow nod at her response and then considers his first question. He’d never been all that... delicate. He always thought he had pretty good manners but a lot of his relationships had soured due to stupid things he’d said. Perhaps that was true of him even before this.
“I understand... I think. Some of memories are still a blur, even the things I know are... incomplete. But I have to take this seriously. Umehara-san, what are your intentions? Do you want to leave this island -- stay? Do you wish to bring us harm?”
That seemed like such a stupid question. Internally, he cringed at his own naivete. If she wanted to harm him, she likely wouldn’t own up to it. But he had to hear it from her. He wanted to believe it, so he had to hear her say it.
“I... for me, I want to protect everyone here. At the cost of myself, if I need to. Even Ryuuko-san, Lotus-san, Ihara-san... those who may hate me. As long as they don’t wish harm on each other, I want to fight to help them. To help us all. That... right now includes you as well, Umehara-san. Not because I consider you weak - but because you are one of us. But I am...“
Scared. I’m scared.
“Worried... that you will betray us. That’s why I want to know what you know. I want to know what you want. And I want to know that we’re on the same side. Please understand.“
What One Keeps to Oneself || Closed
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theonlyori:
Ori shrugs. “I can get comfortable anywhere,” they say. “There’s wisdom in it, I think… if you can sleep, sleep. If you can eat, eat… Because you might not be able to tomorrow.” Wow, that sounded ominous, but they’re not thinking about it in a death sort of way. But then again- “But even if you’re comfy you might want to leave… people die here, after all.”
They turn to Shizumaru again. “As long as you’re keeping yourself busy, I guess… People who get bored are going to want to go home… And for now, there’s only one way to do that.” And then they frown, the slightest furrowing of their brows. “Not having a hobby sounds kind of dull, though… Maybe you just don’t remember what your hobbies are.”
But they look at the lake, and the tracks of footprints winding this way and that in patterns in the snow. That doesn’t seem like much of a hobby. And it’s not, really, they don’t think. “Maybe I’m not one to talk right now, though.” And they actually laugh a little, a light laugh, a slightly more forceful exhale, but a laugh all the same.
Though Ori said that, to Shizumaru, they seemed very out of place to someone like him. But maybe ‘out of place’ and ‘comfortable’ were two different things. And yet, maybe there was some wisdom to those words. ‘If you can, you should’... something like that. Shizumaru would normally call such thinking selfish but self-care and selfish seemed like two sides of the same coin. Perhaps he hated the idea of being selfish so much he’d rejected the idea of treating himself when the timing was right.
As Ori continues, Shizumaru feels a sting. His shoulders feel a little weak at the thoughts haunting him. The idea that he may not have a home to return to. It’s really not an easy thing to accept. But if he can accept that, it means he has less motivation... and, with any luck, it’ll help keep his emotions in check.
“I... see your point, Okinose-san. But I wonder if anyone can get bored in a place like this... some days are a struggle... I don’t see the terrain or the weather getting better any time soon. Though I suppose that, too, could be...“
A motivation, but he leaves that part out. Even omitted, the rest, he feels, is obvious.
“Hmm... perhaps so. I have this sword...“ he tilts his head vaguely to the wooden sword he’s taken to carrying around. “Perhaps I once used it for such recreation. Unfortunately, I really don’t remember...”
When Ori looks away, Shizumaru’s gaze follows to the lake. It’s frozen over, as always. The snow will fall, as always. And white replaces white... like always. These prints and patterns Ori’s left will leave in time. That thought somehow... feels lonely. He wonders why. They’re just marks in the snow; it doesn’t even mean anything.
The laugh takes him by surprise and it prompts a question.
“Perhaps... it’s a little personal to ask you this, but... Okinose-san, do you want to know? About... who you are? No matter what that ‘you’ ends up being?Curiosity is natural, but why are we here? Did we lose our memories, our selves, for a reason? ... Sometimes, I think about that...“
His mind is cast back to those videos. Could he have been like that? Could Ori? How could he understand other people if he didn’t even understand himself? It was hard to consider, sometimes.
mandalas | open
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satokoihara:
‘To make things even’? What did that mean?
As Shizumaru mentioned that he doesn’t think he was wrong, Satoko felt a familiar sensation welling in the pit of her stomach. If that was the case, why bother confronting her like this? She scowled, subconsciously reaching a hand up to gingerly brush her fingers over the spot where Shizumaru had hit her at the tram station. It was almost like she could still feel the sting.
Despite all his words, in the end, she only really seemed to retain the part where he gave her permission to hit him. That would be fair, wouldn’t it?
“Fine. Let’s make it even, then.”
Her words were hissed through clenched teeth. She approached him and raised her hand as if to strike him, but…
…a moment passed, and her hand was still hovering in the air. She didn’t give any reason as to why this was, but the anger in her eyes hadn’t faded. Satoko bit down on her lip hard before trying again, taking a menacing step towards him and pulling her hand back further.
Again, she hesitated.
Despite her best attempts to keep calm, her breathing started to become ragged and her fingers trembled ever so slightly.
“Y…You - “ A sharp inhale. “You’re an idiot! What do you want me to do? You think any of this is going to make things okay?!”
The words came bursting out so loud, she seemed to startle herself. But she wasn’t done.
“What makes you think I need you to get out of this? All you ever do is breath down our necks like you know better than us, but you don’t! You’re just as lost as the rest of us! You don’t even have a plan for getting out of here, do you?! Why would I ever want to work with someone like you, you - you - ! You idiot! Stupid!”
There was silence as Satoko stopped to catch her breath, pulling her coat tighter around herself. Her gaze dropped down to the ground, unwilling to meet Shizumaru’s.
Satoko matched his stubbornness to the point of ridiculousness. Perhaps that’s why he was so determined to reach her. Because it was so much harder. Because he honestly didn’t know if he could and that scared him. He had no ideea if he could reach even himself when he lost his temper. That was a thought he kept shelving.
But thankfully she agreed and that was a start. He readied himself for whatever damage she wanted to inflict. Whatever it was, he was sure he deserved it. It was important to him that they be even. That he could make up for what he’d done and work towards, hopefully, a better future. He had closed his eyes but the pain that he expected never came. And his eyes fluttered back open to see her hesitation.
This was... surprising and to be honest, he had no idea how to react. It didn’t feel like mercy... so why? Perhaps she didn’t want to use force like he did. That ashamed him. She had restrained when he had not. What did that say about him? His eyes fall to the floor as he considers many things - about himself, about her. About the situation.
He closes his eyes and then...
Whap!
The stinging of his own cheek felt gratifying somehow, even if it was done by his own hand.
Maybe he really wasn’t smart. But this was all he could think of. How could he reach Satoko? How could he make her understand? No, maybe she did understand... but she disagreed. In that case, he had to make a good case. Tatsuya had told him before his way of doing things was wrong. He had agreed in the moment but as time had went on, more and more that confronted him.
“I don’t know what’ll make it okay! I don’t know... but does that mean I should just accept that? I can’t! No matter what, as long as you’re all here, you’re all... you’re all allies. I know it’s stupid to you. But that’s how I feel. I want to be sincere about that, because... we’ve already lost too much. You’re not heartless. You can’t enjoy watching people die. And you must know you’re not invincible. N... none of us are.“
Not even me.
He hadn’t realized it until Satoko fell from the tram but it wasn’t just the killing game that could be deadly.
“I thought that I could do this on my own. But... you’re right. I don’t think... I can do this on my own. I really thought I could, but how can I act like I’m doing well when Bellerose-san is dead? When Shiga-san is dead? When their killers were sent to death, confused, scared... alone. None of us ever wanted this!“
Shizumaru sighs and bows.
It was honestly beyond hard to admit; even harder to face. But if he was ever going to help anyone, he had to do more than play leader. That wouldn’t work. All it ever did was make things worse.
“Please, Ihara-san. I want your strength - work together with me. I don’t have a plan yet, but if we put our heads together, coming up with one shouldn’t be too hard. Won’t we regret it, if we don’t try? I... all I want to do is help. That’s why... I had to reach out. My pride is useless if I can’t protect people. That’s... what I’m... what I’ve been forced to see.“
Laid Them Beneath the Juniper Tree || Closed
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satokoihara:
Given how much time they had spent living there, it was natural that Satoko would have gotten sick of all the snow and frost on the island. The cold wind against her skin only brought back the bitter taste of bad memories - it seemed she couldn’t even step foot outside of her room without something going terribly wrong. Even now, she could still hear the words of FATHER ringing through her head and feel the sensation of falling through the air at the tram station.
But the garden shelter was different. Seeing the plants bloom around her was so different from the desolate snowscape outside that it made her feel like she had managed to get away from it all. She couldn’t say it was familiar to her for obvious reasons, but…it was comforting.
The shelter was large and empty, however, so when someone else entered, she knew in an instant. Satoko kept her back turned at first, keeping her focus on the potted plants in front of her. She would’ve liked to just avoid any interaction at all considering she had gone there for some time to herself, but the moment the other person spoke up, she realized that wasn’t going to be an option.
Shizumaru was almost as stubborn as she was, after all.
“Kirikubo.” She turned only halfway to glance at him over her shoulder. “What do you want?”
It wasn’t a complete dismissal, but she obviously wasn’t very happy to see him.
She was as curt as ever and yet, Shizumaru felt a distinct coldness and edge in her words and demeanor. That was... natural. But it still hurt a little. He’d gone overboard. He knew that. But part of him still felt he wasn’t in the wrong. It was a complicated, messy situation altogether. But it wouldn’t do to leave it as it was and let bygones be bygones. In a normal world, maybe the two of them would never talk again; maybe that would be easier. But this was a situation that required, in his eyes, everyone. He wanted so badly for everyone to work together and to be safe. And that’s why he had to do his best in this area, even if it wasn’t his strong suit.
He’d regret it otherwise.
“I came here to make things even.“
And that’s really all there was to it. Shizumaru had realized it a while back; he made a mess of a lot of situations with his attitude. And he had no idea how to change himself nor fix that. But if made an effort, it might make the difference and that was what he was counting on.
“I think I went overboard before. But... I don’t think I was wrong. I was angry because I was scared. But that’s no excuse. I kept thinking it over, what I should do. And... this is the answer I came up with. I’d like to start over with you, Ihara-san. If you need to insult me or hit me, I’ll take that. But, I would like to stand evenly with you once more. Because I think that... we need each other to get out of this.“
He scratches the side of his face awkwardly. He’s never had good plans but this might be up there for one of the worst ones yet. But had had to try. He owed it to himself to do that much.
“I’m sorry I can’t think of anything smarter. But those are my true feelings.“
Laid Them Beneath the Juniper Tree || Closed
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ryokaumehara:
These past few days Ryoka was afraid.
Not of the motive, the others, or of any lingering fear of death that came with being in an isolated winter wonderland like this. More than anything after watching those broadcasts on TV she was terrified of herself.
Or perhaps it’d be more accurate to say she was terrified of the girl she saw on TV. She wasn’t sure.
No longer was she the calming and peppy presence here to cheer others up and try to keep the mood uplifted. Instead she was a mess. Hair disheveled, cross long discarded, and generally looking like she hasn’t gotten much sleep. After the whole stabbing incident with Kou, Ryoka had done her best to avoid people as much as possible. Mostly by keeping to herself in her therapy room with her interactions with others brief and almost skittish. If the girl she saw on TV was really her then how could she trust herself to be around the others? How could she trust herself not to hurt them?
Currently she found herself staring into the fireplace of the therapy centre, having not wandered into her own therapy room just yet. As she was getting lost in her own thoughts the sudden sound of footsteps made her jerk in surprise. Turning around with wide eyes she was surprised to see a familiar face standing right in front of her.
Oh. Shizumaru.
Ryoka shifted around awkwardly, not wanting to meet his gaze. Her relationship with him had always been rather… Strained to put it lightly. As much as she tried to offer out her hand of friendship to him he always pushed her away. Even when they were paired up during the last motive as much as she tried Ryoka could never get through to him. Eventually she just decided it wasn’t worth the trouble or backlash and simply left him to his own devices.
Very carefully she listened to his words, listened to his apology, and stared out curiously at the stuffed animal in his hands. Did he bring this for her? For a moment she reaches a hand out to the stuffed animal… Before hesitating.
“You… After everything that’s happened you really want to apologize? To me of all people?”
She almost couldn’t believe it. Didn’t want to believe it. Despite her initial hesitation, or simply not wanting to leave him hanging, Ryoka nods and gently takes the stuffed animal out of his hands.
“…I– It’s okay… I forgive you.”
Ryoka had seen better days. To be honest, he was almost... it wasn’t quite happiness. But it was some sort of relief. Ryoka had been steadfast in her cheerfulness. Part of what irked him so much about her was the way her face never seemed to change; how her mood always seemed so even. That was ‘kindness’, he was sure, but to him it had always seemed forced at times. And he had trouble dealing with that. It was like talking to a porcelain doll. But this Ryoka... was a real person. And as grief-stricken as she was now, he couldn’t help but partly think it was a relief to see her express something he could see as real.
Perhaps it’s because his own emotions were a little rough and he a hard time understanding others well. In all honesty, even now, he wondered if she was going to accept his apology. And understand what he was trying to say. Thankfully, she did seem to, but... she was still sad.
Well, of course she was. Seeing that would shake up anyone. And for someone as gentle as Ryoka, for someone who put so much work into being nice... it was probably an even bigger shock. He could comfort her, yes. Tell her that’s not who she was. But maybe it was who she was after all and... maybe telling her that even if it was true wouldn’t help much. It was the height of arrogance, he felt, to tell someone who they were or weren’t.
“... Well, because of everything that’s happened... isn’t that all the more reason to say it? Regardless of who you are, or who you think you are, I believe I’ve acted out of turn. That’s why I’m apologizing. You... can’t control nor expect from others. So it’s good to act how you think is best instead. I suppose.”
Putting it into words makes it feel awkward. But he feels he has to make such an effort, especially these days. It’s better than the risk of being misunderstood.
“Thank you for accepting it. I have to admit, I didn’t know what I’d do if you hadn’t.”
He really hadn’t planned that far. And... he hadn’t planned much for what came after, either. There were certainly things he wanted to ask and things he wanted to know but in what order... he wasn’t sure. And how to say it. Shizumaru gave up on thinking about it and spoke up anyway. Whatever happened happened and hopefully it would go well.
“Umehara-san, do you want to sit somewhere? I’m sorry to say it, but, I have a lot of questions. About you. About what we saw and about what you remember. I don’t want to pry but it’d be good to be clear about it.“
What One Keeps to Oneself || Closed
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What One Keeps to Oneself || Closed
There had been ups and downs with his relationships. He’d never really considered himself close to anyone, not until Yukari had asked to be friends. But there was a time he was bound in some fashion to Ryoka. It had been a strange connection they held - he couldn’t see her so much as a person at that time. He had felt too guilty. And that guilt had made him do something awful. Something he was still coming to terms with. His relationship with Lotus had soured. Still, he had no one to blame but himself. Blaming LISE was an easy out - he wouldn’t allow himself such an escape. He wondered... had Ryoka seen him in a similar light? As a figure, more than a person?
She extended her graceful hand of friendship to all that would accept it. Even to the violent. The selfish. Did she need that attention, crave that friendship or was it a front? Did she even know it herself? All he knew is that he felt very plastic to him. Perhaps because he’d never had a friend. He didn’t hold it against her; likely, it was his own fault and people really did make friends like that. It just struck him as off, somehow.
Yet, what was more off was... well. What he saw. What they all saw. She had appeared, with that same face, those same pigtails and she had spoken in such a sweet way... she’d spoken such toxic words. He’d been shocked. Perhaps at first some thought of vindication crossed his mind: ‘I thought it was funny. I thought that friendship seemed cheap’. But after everything that had happened and everyone that had been lost, Shizumaru wanted to take some time to truly consider this. There was a chance that was her true nature. But, there was a chance she didn’t remember any of that, as well. What would he do in that position? Forced to watch a stranger with his face perform such acts of evil? This seed of distrust... is surely what LISE wanted them to consume. He had no idea what to make of it. Even on a good day, he didn’t trust people. But fighting them didn’t seem ideal, either. After all that thinking and all that stewing, one main thing was clear to him: he would never know if he didn’t go to the source. And that meant talking to her.
It had been a while since they’d really talked. And what talks they’d had, as he recalled, had been clipped. Awkward. This conversation, if he could have it, would likely be just as awkward. But... it was important. If they didn’t talk about it, they’d never get anywhere and he’d never feel this was resolved.
So, he walked and he searched. It seemed as though he did a lot of it these days; and why not? There were many people he had to talk to and many feelings he had to sort through. He had an idea of where she’d be though, somehow. The Therapy Centre. Ironically, it’s almost where they met. Or first talked for real, anyway. He clearly has something hidden in his hand as he approaches her. And... she’s definitely seen better days.
“Umehara-san. There’s a lot to say. I have... some questions, if you don’t mind. But, before that...“
He bows his head and then shows her his poorly hidden present. As it turns out, he’d picked out a stuffed animal from the ski lift cabin.
“I apologize. I hope this token helps you forgive me. I know you meant no harm when you wished to be friends. Our... values... are different. And regardless of who you are, who you were... I remained in the wrong in that moment. Will you forgive me?“
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Laid Them Beneath the Juniper Tree || Closed
So much had happened. On the island, and even just in the last few days. He had made his first friend and then, in the space of only a few hours, likely ruined that bond for good. He had saved Satoko from a fall only for it to blow up in everyone’s faces. Their concerned faces... Yukari, Lewis... those stuck with him. The adrenaline of the moment had long since passed but sometimes he could still feel his hands shake with an indescribable dread. The smoke of a future that could’ve been. A vision of a bad ending. Even so, it wasn’t quite the fairytale ending one may have hoped for. But at the very least, she was alive. They were both alive. Yukari could’ve had an accident, as well. It could’ve gone wrong so many ways. If this tension was the price of it, so be it.
Then, on top of that... the motive. Yukari had seen nothing. Neither had he, but he felt her ties to family were much stronger than his. Then... Lewis and Satoko... both namedropped. Both had places to go back to, people to be with. He worried; about all of them, really. But how to put that into useful action? How to put those feelings across?
It was hard.
WIth all the new areas, it felt oddly nostalgia to be back in the Garden Shelter. But not unpleasant. The weather seemed more picture-esque when you saw it from the glass’s reflection. And no matter what the humans here did, the plants grew on. There was something courageous and meaningful about the tomato plants crawling up their vines. The proof that life can go on, perhaps.
Still, he wasn’t here for that. He was looking for someone in particular. Well, more than one, perhaps, but for this time, just one would do. He’d searched the guesthouse and some other areas first. He’d actually more gone to the shelter for shelter but as luck would have it, this is where she was.
“Ihara-san... can we talk? Whenever you have time, I think... I think we should.”
Shizumaru honestly wasn’t sure what he’d say yet. There were things on his mind but more than anything, he hoped for some closure to his jumbled thoughts.
#in character#re satoko ihara#abnormal days#aice closed#tale 3#thread laid them beneath the juniper tree
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theonlyori:
Before Ori can say anything a snowflake lands squarely on the tip of their nose. They blink at it and then look up. Maybe it hasn’t quite stopped snowing after all. It’s not snowing so much that their pattern will disappear, not for a little while longer.
They plod over to Shizumaru, tracking a line of footprints partway across it to the shore where he’s standing. “I’ve been out here for a little while,” they say. They pat their face with their mittens, their cheeks all red from being outside for a couple hours now.
They turn to look at the pattern from Shizumaru’s point of view. It still looks basically the same. They shrug. “Just something to pass the time…” they say, “It’s not really hard, you just have to put a little bit of thought into it before you start.”
They look at Shizumaru. “What do you do to kill time around here?”
He’s not sure if it’s his imagination or reaching worry, but something about Ori just walking by themselves out here seems lonely to him. Not that he supposes he’s one to talk, but the image sticks in his brain, somehow. Even before answering, it feels as if Ori’s been here for at least a little while, given their face. It was peculiar, in some vein. Despite having a reddened face from the cold, they really didn’t give the appearance of someone particularly bothered by the weather. Perhaps they had gotten used to it. Or were simply less bothered, like he was. Shizumaru himself didn’t even need to wear long sleeves. In the end, their backstories and origins, despite everything, were still a mystery.
“I see... it goes without saying, but make sure to take care of your health. We have no idea when the weather will change for the worse.” he glances up, as if to check the weather again. Being fine with cold weather is one thing, but it can still get dangerous. Even for him.
Shizumaru turns back to Ori, a little puzzled by the question and perturbed by the word choice.
“I... am not sure. You mean to say some sort of hobby? I haven’t really done anything to spend time like that. Most of my days I study the island and try to find some new clue. Otherwise, I suppose I am talking to people... it helps to check in, even if you don’t have the right words. I think...”
I am not an interesting person.
That thought crosses his mind, but he feels no need to share it.
“I feel... the more comfortable we get, the harder it will become to leave. Not that I feel you could get comfortable here...”
mandalas | open
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theonlyori:
[♫♫♫]
Ori remains pretty unbothered by the stuff the cube had told them. They didn’t hear anyone looking for them on that tape, so they don’t even remember who would be out there for them to talk to if they did go to all the effort of actually killing someone. As for the scenes of the others doing awful things? Well, two people had been murdered so far. Seems pretty par for the course, actually.
So they’re doing what they do best: idling away the hours doing nothing much at all. It’s the day after those strange videos, and while everyone else seems to be in a state about them, Ori remains perfectly calm and at ease with their surroundings.
They’re at the lake, the one down the hill by the guesthouse, edging onto the woods. They don’t have skates, nor would they know how to skate, but they have boots, and the ice is thick.
Ori amuses themselves by bootskating this way and that around the lake, cutting patterns in the fresh snow. Looking down from above would show that they’re drawing simple mandala-like patterns, almost perfect, save for a bit of human error and one messy section that looks suspiciously like Ori slipped and fell.
They’ve been at this all afternoon. They spend a few minutes making a pattern and then stop to admire it and let the snow cover it up, and then they start again. It’s calming work. Very zen.
Now, though, they stop, and look up at the clear blue sky. It’s stopped snowing. They look down at their pattern, marred only by a single butt print, and are satisfied with it. And then they turn to whoever they hear crunching their way through the snow nearby and give them a little wave, their hand covered by a kitted mitten.
Nobody was looking for him. Whether it be on this island or outside of it, he knew now that he was alone. Once he got over the initial shock and disappointment, Shizumaru did his best to see it as a net positive. It meant nobody would be grieve for him if it came to the worst. What really came as a concern was what he saw after all that. To think that people on this island, people he had talked to casually were capable of such horrific acts... could they become like that again? Were they like that now? Did they remember it... or was it a vague blur to them?
It was an obvious concern but he wasn’t sure how to handle it. Whenever it came to people and their feelings, he seemed to mess it up royally. And every time he tried to help and protect the others, it was criticism after criticism. At this point, he just wasn’t sure how to do it ‘right’.
And so, he walked. And he thought.
His routine these days had been to wake up at the Confinement Centre, eat at the guesthoue and then train himself by subjecting himself to what lay in his room at the Atonement Facility. The timing of which could change, depending on what was around him. Like now, for instance, as he caught sight of a figure near the lake. He hadn’t visited the lake often. It was frozen over and bore no clues nor tools with which to get out of this situation. But there was some aesthetic appeal, he supposed, in the smooth blue surface. Interestingly, there appeared to be something even more aesthetically impressive to see; patterns dotted into the snow with an almost expert precision. He had never been one for arts, so this sort of talent seemed otherworldly.
Ori Okinose... so they were the one responsible. They seemed as placid as ever. In the vaguest sense, they were in the same boat. Neither of them had seen relatives begging for their safe return. Neither had Kou Tsukino. Nor Yukari Murofushi. He only briefly pondered what they could mean before returning Ori’s wave with a nod, his arms folded.
“You seem to have worked quite hard on this... it’s uh... I commend you, I think. It looks good.“
He tosses his head up to the sky, watching to see few flakes fall down. It must not’ve been snowing much today... or at the very least, it wasn’t over here.
“Have you been out long? I don’t mean to fuss... I’m just... curious.“
mandalas | open
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Just To Keep Alive Isn't Enough || Open
He had never considered himself an optimist. If anything, Shizumaru considered himself more the opposite. But even in all this, shockingly, he found a silver lining in all this. This confirmed something for him.
There was no one waiting for him.
Given the memories he had, he supposed that made sense. A father left hanging and a mother no doubt... well. He hadn’t had that picture finished but it didn’t matter. A tree fell... the fire that filled up his nose. It painted enough of an image to piece together the rest. There was a part of him that felt empty. The thought that, even if he did escape, there’d be nowhere left for him in the world. He doubted he had family or anyone looking for him. Even on this island, he had doubts many people cared about him. It felt like the more he showed his concern, the more he distanced himself from people. How? Why? He couldn’t understand. Nobody had written a book on how to express such a thing. Nobody had told him what to do or what to say. These social conflicts and meetings were minefields and somehow he ended up triggering every bomb on the ground. How could he fix that?
He didn’t know.
But, the bright side was the distinct feeling he could tough it out during this motive. Just because no one was looking for him didn’t mean no one was looking for the others; indeed, some people were already called out directly. Others, perhaps, would become more desperate as they prayed for their own loved one’s survival. Just because he had certain knowledge didn’t mean they did. As depressing as it was, knowing they were likely dead gave him some sort of clarity on the matter. It meant he could better reach out. Though... he had never been particularly good at that, it seemed.
Now, what was a concern was the other half of it.
Ayaka Tamura, Ryoka Umehara, Madoka Tanaka and Tatsuya Ryuuko...
All of them guilty of heavy crimes.
Was it a crime if they couldn’t remember the act? He wasn’t sure. Some people had certainly already shown signs of such things, he belived. Tatsuya, for one, had always reacted with aggression and violence. But the likes of Madoka and Ryoka who put on an angelic face... they were more tricky to understand. Madoka he didn’t know very well but... Ryoka was... Ryoka he knew but always had mixed feelings about. Someone who claimed she could be friends with everyone. Someone he felt was just... insincere in her kindness. Perhaps it was his prudishness - that is what he initially believed but... perhaps it had been some sort of sixth sense.
Whatever it was, it certainly bore thinking about.
Shizumaru did what he often did when overwhelmed - he just cooked. It was never anything fancy; he could never do a fancy place but he was at least confident about the taste. Soon, the counter in the kitchen of the Crystal Cafe was just full of little side dishes.
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theonlyori:
Ori fixes Shizumaru with a look, dropping their chin and slightly cocking their head to one side as they do. “You will burn out if you keep thinking like that, Kirikubo-san… You… expect too much of yourself, I think. There’s-” they pause and actually count on their fingers “-fourteen of us left here, thirteen if I don’t count you. You can’t have eyes on everyone all the time.”
There’s a moment where they look like they’re about to hop up onto the table, but then they reconsider. It’d really suck if the whole thing shattered. Frankly, Ori thought, with everything happening here, dying like this would be embarrassing. Instead, they sit down on the edge of one of the booth seats, sideways, with their legs sticking out into the hallway.
“Do not… misunderstand me,” they say, leaning forward onto the table, “I know I don’t need to worry about you, and I won’t. This conversation is… selfish.” Their gaze keeps drifting around but then it snaps back onto Shizumaru. “I don’t want you looking out for me and trying to tell me what I can and can’t do… You’re very fond of getting angry at others when they do things you don’t like, but then you go off and do those same things yourself. It’s a pain in the… in the bum, and I don’t really want to deal with it.”
For a second, there’s a sense of warmth. Was this a sign of concern from Ori? Perhaps they simply didn’t want to see a companion stress themselves out. Shizumaru was eager to insist on his health before realizing Ori’s true intent. There was no such soft concern; perhaps it was naive to ever expect it.
“You don’t want that... why? I can see no harm in working together. The more we pool together ideas and supplies, surely the easier it becomes to survive this ordeal. I admit, I might come on too strong sometimes but... I truly have everyone’s best interests at heart. Furthermore, if we’re together often, people won’t have as much time nor space to plan out a murder. We would all be witnesses.“ Though he says that, even he doesn’t enjoy the idea of spending all day watching people and hounding them. While that strategy has clear pros, he can’t help but figure the close proximity will only stress everyone out more. He’s never been... good with people. But he’d had some time to observe those on the island. And he’d grown to at least try and understand them.
“You would... imply I’m a hypocrite of some kind. Yes? Arrogant, maybe? My standards for myself are different from those I place on others. I appreciate that you are not worried for me. But you’re asking... what you’re asking for, I cannot do in good conscience.“
He pauses, eyes averting as he considers his words. This, too, is something he’s made an effort to do more of, the longer he remains around these people. At a time like this, word choice is important. ‘I’m bad at it’ can’t be an excuse.
“You would consider yourself intelligent, correct? I think I would agree. Okinose-san, you know how to take care of yourself. But if a snow storm hits us, will you know what to do? If someone attacks you, will you be able to navigate the situation without committing murder? ... Remember, ‘self-defense’ is no excuse here. I am not doubting your abilities. Please believe that, just... it helps a lot, for someone to have your back. I imagine you and many others consider it a pain. But maybe that pain will save you. That’s... that’s my thought on it.“
Though, if he’s being annoying he should really tone it down. It’s just... a difficult subject, the idea of balancing something he finds so crucial.
“If I’m pestering you too much, I will attempt to give you more space but... I can’t give up on helping people out like this. I’m sorry, annoying or not, I feel this is something I have to do.“
late nights | open
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shsllotus:
Of all the people to have encountered here, Shizumaru Kirikubo was not the worst person. He was neither outwardly aggressive, nor was he the type to needlessly chatter on with no regard to those around him. And yet, with his attempts to help only hurting, he was not the best person either. Tolerable. That’s about what he would be as of now. Hopefully this encounter would not tip the scale in either way; she was not of the mind to deal with it.
“It is alright. This is a sore sight. I would be a fool to think only I wish to see it more.”
Turning back to the item in her hand, she notes it’s a box. A broken one at that. Upon opening it, there is….certainly a lot of papers. The more alarming thing is the knife, and this she elects to ignore until her company leaves. Speaking of which, she had questions, ones she could not ask during the trial.
“Since you are here, tell me. You found a way here before it was okay. I would ask for a better story. We were…not in a good place to tell it, but now is better.”
Or as better as the charred remains of a helicopter was, anyway.
Alright... is it?
He has his doubts but she has a point of her own. Such an ugly affair warrants being checked out by many. In his eyes, in a sense, business should come first. It’s quite alright if they dislike each other but if they can at least stand each other enough to work things out as a team, things... things’ll be alright. They’ll go smoothly. But he couldn’t quite believe that.
“...You have a point. What happened here is... tragic. I can only pray it was quick. I wonder if it will forth any memories or answers... that is certainly reason enough to be thorough.”
Lotus seemed to already be rather thorough as she looked through some things near the back. He kept his distance and maintained a vague watch but did not move to interrupt not peer at what she was doing. That would be rude.
The silence was slightly tense; perhaps not quite unpleasant but something close. It left a scratchy sensation in his throat as if something was caught there. That is, until she spoke up once more. Ah, that question. It wasn’t like it slipped his mind but after the execution, after everything... it somehow seemed so pointless now.
“You’re correct. It... isn’t as grand a tale as some might think. Many seem to have assumed I found some way out. Everything honestly happened so quickly. But I will relay with you what happened...“
“There was a small break in the wall. I moved some of the rocks to see if I could make an entry-way and sure enough... I did just that. I would’ve gladly gotten everyone together to check it out but something... peculiar happened. I saw someone in the distance. I wasn’t sure who it was so I called out. They seemed... startled. When I asked who they were, they turned and ran. I wasn’t sure if it was one of us or some new ally or enemy... so, without thinking, I gave chase. As you can see, though, the area is quite misty and I had hard time finding them. When I lost sight of them for good, I came back and that’s when...“
It’s when he bumped into Ryoka and hear the bad news. He wasn’t sure what disappointed him more, that he let the person just flee like that or that he wasn’t even here to try and protect Giselle. That she had been lost for so long, then extinguished, just like that... it still made him feel sick.
“That person... seemed pretty feminine. And they had long dark hair. Black, I think. But other than that, I can’t say what or who they were... I’m sorry. I keep thinking ‘if only I was faster’ but I couldn’t keep track of them. Rather than having that chance run from us, I just wanted... to try. I guess. It’s no excuse, though. That... is what happened. I was in a rush, so I hardly even noticed these new buildings and sites.”
Crash and Burn ❃ OPEN
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