“I like cancelled plans, and empty bookstores. I like rainy days, and thunderstorms, and quiet coffee shops. I like messy beds and over-worn pyjamas. Most of all, I like the small joys that a simple life brings.”

— EXTRAMADNESS.COM

ok guys i’ve been dieting for the last 6 days and i’m back at 157.5 lbs which is the weight i was at before christmas break. i’m definitely calling this a win because being home with my family for long periods is stressful and there were a lot of binge days that i have now counteracted with this very low cal week. my classes are a lot easier this quarter so i’m manifesting that doing well in school will remind me that i am capable and restricting will be easier. wish me luck <3

having to relose weight feels humiliating

5/30/22 12:05pm - binged on almost 5,000 cals yesterday, gained literally 5lbs overnight, highkey wanna leap into a human size blender

The next few months of my life I’m dedicating to becoming the skinniest, hottest, smartest, prettiest and kindest version of myself that there is.

I'm okay, I just need someone to be a little obsessed with me in order to feel validated and loved.

my ideal future

Pink>>>>

all it should take if you’re disciplined enough is three to four months. you’ll be at you goal weight in four months.

the food will still be there in four months. mcdonald’s will still exist in four months. that donut place will still be there after four months. food won’t leave, it’ll still be there when you’re skinny. why eat it now? why not eat it when you’ve reached your goal?

[ what i tell myself every time. ]

5/7/22 2:35pm

4/28/22 8:46AM - @literal1legend1 HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS OF ALL TIME I LOVE YOU SM CROW AND I WISH U HAD MORE SOCIAL MEDIA SO I COULD SAY THIS ON EVERY PLATFORM IN EXISTENCE. YOU DESERVE THE PERFECT DAY I HOPE YOU ARE SMILING AND LAUGHING THE WHOLE DAY. YOU ARE HILARIOUS AND KIND AND AMAZING AND FLAWLESS HAPPY BDAY💝

4/23/22 10:16AM - guys. this is a fucking emergency. i was texting my bf this morning abt hating myself, wishing i wasn’t so self destructive, wishing i was dead, not understanding why him or anyone else loves me, etc. it’s rare for me to text such dark/depressing stuff to him. i normally keep it to myself & avoid him until i can get my shit together mentally & physically. but he was very comforting & reassuring for the most part until he asked for me to be more specific so he can understand me better & i said it was abt something i still don’t feel comfortable telling him. i told him i’d talk to my therapist & one of my online friends who knows what’s going on. then he responded with two gigantic fucking paragraphs. “if this is about your eating disorder, i know. i’m not stupid you know…” “it absolutely pains me because i’ve known about this for a while. since december i think?” “i’ve seen you count macros and eat little to nothing for days.” like what the fuck am i supposed to say guys. i feel like a deer stuck in headlights. i feel sick to my stomach. the guy i love most in this world now knows this deeply personal embarrassing thing about me. i feel so fucking violated. & vulnerable. no one in my family knows about my ed. none of my friends know. how am i supposed to look into his eyes now? how do i respond? where do we go from here?

i need to get better at romanticizing the glorious fairytale lovely euphoria moments of my life… and these pictures fit the bill

3/10/22: here’s where i’m at rn: somehow it’s march of 2022. i’ve been the same weight since october. i’ve gained & lost the same 15lbs abt 14 times. i wish i could wake up & smoke weed w/o it making me feel irresistibly hungry all fucking day. my bmi says i’m at a healthy weight & i wish i could just believe it & love myself. i wish i could read the articles online abt how data & studies show that men actually prefer curves to someone stick thin & just fucking believe them. why can’t i be enough for myself? when will i be enough? i’m moving out of my college apt into a different one, & while the process is going on i’m staying at home w my family. i cannot do this for much longer. i need to go back. my gf dumped me bc i cheated on her. then the guy i cheated on her w also dumped me. last time i visited college though, even though my ex gf & i are broken up we slept together. i told her i’m still in love w her & she told me the same. but she can’t trust me. so idk where anything in my life is going. i’m failing one of my classes & my parents don’t know. my dad’s alcoholism is at its worst. my sister’s autism is spinning out of control & my parents won’t get her the behavioral therapy she needs. i can’t fall apart bc my 4 other family members fall apart at least once a day every day. i don’t want to lash out at anyone. but i’m sick of my room & sick of this house & sick of this town. i wish i could wake up tomorrow 40lbs lighter & have my ex gf be magically ok w the polyamorous relationship that i so desperately crave bc i have an innate need to fill both feminine & masculine love roles in my life LOL WONDER WHAT THAT’S ABOUT

1/21/22 5:36pm - i binged sunday-wednesday night. it’s friday evening & i haven’t eaten since then. i am on hr 44 of my 60hr fast. i gained 15.5lbs in 4 days. yesterday morning i weighed in at 153lbs, today i weighed in at 140. the human body is fucking insane. how in god’s name did i lose 13lbs in 1 motherfucking day. idk. but i’m very grateful. i’m excited to see how much i weigh in the morning. the longest i’ve ever fasted before is 45hrs so i’m rlly excited to accomplish a longer one. today i had raspberry tea for breakfast & iced coffee for lunch & dinner. my gf & roommate got high & ordered fast food last night & they’re doing the same thing tonight. i smoked weed last night but didn’t eat anything. the plan for tonight is the same and i’m proud of my self control <3 hope u all r well, like usual feel free 2 message me abt anything at all i love all my moots sm