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she-is-becoming-herself · 26 days

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I get nervous when you look at me.

Because when we make eye contact, there’s a secret conversation happening.

It’s secret from the world, and it even feels secret from me.

When I look in your eyes, I’m telling you I love you. When you look in mine, there’s something. I don’t know what it is. But it feels big. It feels real. But, I don’t know what it is.

When I look in your eyes I imagine the secret conversations we would have when it’s just the two of us. If it was just the two of us.

I get nervous when you look at me.

But, at the same time, you make me feel safe.

You’re there and I know it’ll be okay.

My brain can relax for a moment when you’re there.

Do you feel the same? Do I make you nervous and bring you peace? One or the other? Neither?

I get nervous when you look at me.

Because I want to tell you everything.

What I did that day, what I want the next 10 years to look like, the scariest parts of me.

I want to tell you everything I love about you. But friends don’t do that.

I want you to tell me you love me, too. But, friends don’t do that.

I get nervous when you look at me.

Because I’m waiting.

Waiting for the day you tell me there’s no chance. You’ve chosen someone else.

And I’ll have to accept it. I can’t ask you to change your mind.

I can’t put my feelings above yours. Or hers.

I get nervous when you look at me.

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she-is-becoming-herself · 26 days

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good grief. today is sunday. sundays are weird. there's no plan, no responsibility, and yet. And yet I feel like I'm doing sundays wrong. should I be doing something else with my time? who decides that? who decides how sundays should be spent?

you can decide your own sunday.

what kind of sunday do I want?

what if I can't have the sunday I want?

is that what it is?

there are plenty of things I want to do. or things I could do. but it's hard to do them. it never feels quite right. like no matter what I pick to spend time on, it's still the wrong choice.

where does that come from?

I would love to blame everything on capitalism, but I think it's fomo.

I think I wish I had better options or opportunities for sundays. I wish I had friends for sundays. I wish sundays were easier.

even when I have things, the whole day is still weird.

anyway, I'm getting a tattoo today. I'm really excited about it. I'm trying to express myself. I'm trying to figure out who it is that I want to express. life is short and life is long. do things you want.

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she-is-becoming-herself · 5 years

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8/15/19 (233/?)

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she-is-becoming-herself · 5 years

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Who inspires you most in life?

Inspiration comes in many forms or styles and in waves. There are days in which I feel hopeless for the world, and others in which I see the endless possibilities. Hopelessness and possibilities are realities for the microcosm of my life, as well as the larger picture of the world. I cannot pick one person who inspires me the most, because as I mentioned, inspiration comes in waves. And, as we should all recognize, no one is perfect or happy or inspirational all the time, and while we can be inspired by their perseverance in times of trouble, that burden is not always theirs.

First and foremost, I am inspired by my dad. My dad is an incredible person who has encouraged me to do what is best for me through my whole life. I often get told, “your dad is an amazing man.” To them, I say, “I know. I’m pretty partial to him,” because I don’t have the words to describe how much he has shaped and supported the life I lead, nor can I explain how much I still need him despite being told again and again (by him) that I can do this.

This blog will be honest. And these next few to whom I credit my inspiration, I’m sometimes embarrassed to say, but that’s because I am too concerned with how I am perceived, but I’m working on it.

Briana Buckmaster. A boss ass babe. I first discovered her as a relatable character on Supernatural. She played Donna Hanscum, a plump police officer who’d been left by her husband, but was still berated by him following. She was positive and a ray of sunshine although things bothered her. Like mood. Briana played her and so I looked more into the actress and I fell in love. She is beautiful, down to earth, genuine, inspirational. She was bullied for being overweight when she was young and although I wasn’t ever explicitly bullied, that resonated with me as a plus sized woman. Briana lives her life authentically and uses the fame and stages she has to inspire others to do the same. Love that bitch.

Misha Collins - Really all I need for this one is to refer to a post I saw about him once. It was something along the lines of “Sometimes I remember how good Misha Collins is and I want to be more like him. But then, I remember Misha Collins would want me to be more like me.”

A lot of people in my life are inspirational. They’re supportive and loving unconditionally. When the thoughts creep in of not being good enough, of not being good period, I think about how incredible these people are, and I know they wouldn’t be friends with me if they did not truly see the good in me. (Jon, Bella, Bill, Zack, Julia). I want to be the person admired the most by someone. I want someone to think, “Even when I can’t see it, Catie thinks I can do it. And that helps.”

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