CHANGE

Change is an absolute must, sometimes by circumstances or by choice but it's happening one way or another.

I'm not the person I used to be back in the day. I have done a lot of growing and changing some by force or circumstances and some by choice. And it happens to all of us.

Yes somethings stay the same, like the little corny stuff that makes me Bana. The core of my personality maybe the way i speak or joke, basically the things that makes us who we are as individuals.

But views, beliefs, morals, attitudes, especially towards certain topics or passions, you know our human software is always being upgraded or new versions being built in.

Sometimes caused by hurt, pain, deceit and deception or it could be the total opposite love❤ family or even things beyond the reach of other humans health issues, losing yourself just giving up on yourself, whatever it may be it causes some sort of change.

And change can make you a better human or an even bigger asshole. The effect and how you use each experience, trial or test is totally up to you. You are always in control of the end result.

So the blame game is a hard No! My point of view of course.

I have been a work in progress for a long while and will continue to be so until the good lord says it's time to go home. Because you never stop working on you. Life will always have challenges may it be good, bad or indifferent.

I have changed a lot but some traits i can't shake maybe because i just don't want to or I am a bit of an asshole personally 😎 and i know it. I will only change those things when i see fit and on my terms.

Alterations are to be made only by you, may it be growth or whatever reason it must be your choosing. I have learnt making alterations for the sake of others and what they will say or think for example is the fastest way to lose yourself.

This life is your story, your journey not your parents or your friends. So take ownership! Do you! As respectful and kindly as possible. You can't and will not make everyone happy.

Your happiness is first!

I have to remind myself of these things all the time i fall into the self destructive, self hatred fazes every now and again. But i try not to vacation there to often. Self love and preservation is yet to be mastered.

Enjoy the life you are blessed with be kind, respectful, but also be honest and pure in your feelings. I know its so complicated but that's a big part of the journey to find the right balance of just enough nice with just the right amount of badass 😎

Or the amount of facks to give and amount of facks to hold on to😂

I write these as i said before for me it's my way of self therapy i guess...

Have a blessed day all.

Always wanted to talk about this but... I was always a bit hesitant because it's not something that is openly discussed.

Depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, you know all that cringe topics no one likes to talk about. But I feel it's more rampant than we wish to admit... unfortunately.

I have never been diagnosed by a professional to be depressed or suffered from anxiety or panic attacks just wanted to state that before I continue.

I have been through alot of unfortunate events in my life health wise and because of the early age and the snow ball rate it all happened... it took me a while before I really got a chance to realize the magnitude of what was really happening.

I was strong at first and decided to take on this battle head on. After a while of fighting and being positive it started to get to me.... it was getting so hard and exhausting.

The days i was at home alone was the worse😑 those were my hardest battles harder than the actual sickness. Your mind can be a very scary place, you can be your worse enemy at times.

You know your deepest darkest secrets, insecurities, fears, failures, embarrassing memories... anything that can be used to break you is stored in you mind and when you are alone that's your only friend.

Friend! yeah right! more like demons pretending to be different friends giving you advice that is in your best interest. Hope I'm not confusing any one. Let me break it down.

On this particular day I was at home alone in my bed feeling really sick in alot of pain...😷🤕🤢🤧 now i will take physical pain any day, than deal with my mental demonic friends, they hurt more.

Because they break you down when you are at your lowest by giving you ideas of how to feel better and stop the frustration... "it will be better for everyone" the voice wispers "don't you think your parents had enough to deal with?" Your mom looked so tired this morning and your poor dad is at his wits end.... everyone is tired of you and this situation you should set yourself free.... yessss.... be free don't you want to be free from this pain? Everyone would be sad for a while but think about how better it will be for them to be free from you and all this. But God was present that day thankfully.... otherwise i can almost guarantee i wouldn't be here writing this long ass post😎

Thank God that he never gave up on me because those demons tried really hard and i came so close to giving in... they had all the answers all the solutions and all the methods in which i would end it all... the wispers never stop they are always there reminding you of how much you and your life brings unhappiness to your family and everyone around.

God wispers were faint and distant but was worth more than the millions of negative ones. I fought my way out and found different avenues to keep my mind occupied so that i could not hear them anymore.... and eventually not as much and now their wispers are the faint ones and worthless.

I wrote all this to give an idea that i got a taste of what it is like to have a sick mind and it may not be the entire story or exactly what a truly mentally ill person experiences but i needed to let it out.

Chester from Linkin Park committed suicide and i was reading some of the comments that was left by people and it was so heartbreaking how mean some people can be. Mental illness is real and very scary and just like a physical illness it hurts and breaks you down from inside out any one willing to know more can contact me and i will get into my experiences more but for now... just try and be kind to everyone it may save a life.

Don't judge some thing that you have no idea of or experienced... we all have battles and trials to face. It will cost you nothing to be kind it takes the same energy to say something nice as it takes to be nasty just saying.

There is much more to this but i will end it here because i think you get it. God is great and leave judgement to him. Be your brothers and sisters keepers be kind and live life and love 😘

😥

I have been spiraling out of control lately... well im actually always having some sort of mental spiral to be honest 😔 but these pass few days have had me a lil more out of wack than normal. Why? So many things...

As i have stated many times, time is abundant and i tend to be my own worse enemy. It's a constant abuse mentally. Thinking, regretting, blaming just a constant battle.

FED up! Is an understatement. I just want to give up already. Why am i here? To just exist, for what? For who? I just see myself as a burden, a problem, a task. And i don't care what anyone thinks this is how i feel... and i don't want to hear all the generic bull shit spare me please.

I know, i know be greatful, be patient, be thankful you still have life....

What kinda ah f**king life is this huh?

I always wanted to get out of this place.... find my person feel needed have a family that i felt wanted in, take care of my brother see him become as great as he can be.... take care of them.

But here i am being a big nothing! I'm a part of this f**king house like furniture... not even furniture because that serves purpose.

I was not supposed to be this way! I had a plan. But here i am listening to the same song of how fed up and tiring i can be thats why i tried to escape so many times but yet here you are not allowing me to live my life to it fullest.

I'm so sorry that im so weak and afraid because I don't have the guts to end my own f**king misery.

People claim to care and want the truth but that's also bullshit! Because the minute you try to explain or say what's really on your mind they shut you down with the same fackrey "be greatful"

Some times i just want to SCREAM!

I have no one! I'm alone, fed up, tired!

As long as im not hospitalized and in the routine of dialysis, home and quite life is great!

No need for feelings or wanting just carry on for the comfort of your existence. As long as I can act normally and just there being alive then it's all good.

Don't have feelings, don't even mention feeling a bit unlike yourself NO! What about the little life i do have? You want to disturb that also? I hope you would of been out of my life by now but here you are at F**KING 34 draining the fuck out of me.

As long as you smile, laugh and DON'T complain everything is fine.

It such a confusing mental state, i hate the loneliness but yet i find comfort in myself. This is what insanity looks like i think.

Is this life that im living a test or a punishment? It surely feels like im paying for some sort of wrong doing. I keep waiting on a change or just to feel anything but saddness.

If i wasn't so afraid of death and God i would of ended It all. Because there is actually nothing else to live for Im just holding on and fighting for NOTHING!

I will be just one less block and with time be replaced by life....

I'm not being dramatic or looking for pity Im really in a dark hole looking for some sort of light a flicker of what was ME.

God really has a sence of humor you know, all i ever wanted was to get far away from HERE but here i am unable to walk and dependent, useless...

Maybe it's a good thing i can't walk i would of walked straight into traffic or just walk and never stop walking.....

I will end my shit soon. Please no calls or messages just let me be. I just wanted to vent i will back to smiling and waving as always 😁 no need for fake concern and awkwardness.

As you were.....

Wondering...

I sometimes wonder off into a different world with my thoughts, thinking about everything from the past to my current situation or even dream scenarios that i make up in my head.

I guess with my strange and colorful imagination mixed with an over active mind, adding an endless amount of spare time makes the perfect recipe for major daydreaming, reminiscing on the past and mourning over regrets.

My go to thought is always what my life would of been like if things were different or what type of person i would of been. 🤔 so many "what ifs" and also alot of replaying of bad memories that were so painful. 😔

And yes i know i can't change, alter or erase anything but it's always my go to pass time....

I know... I know... it's all in God's plan and everything happens for a reason but that never changes the fact, that i have all the time in the world to wonder, replay, regret and even dream..... of a different life under different circumstances and even being a different person.

But at some point you always have to return to reality...

Snap yourself out of those thoughts, dust off all the regrets, wake up out of that dream and keep living in the presence of now, today as me Shabana.

It's sometimes really hard being me... that's why I prefer escaping my reality and hiding in my daydreams. Unfortunately thats also where i keep the saddness, loneliness, anger, frustration, regrets and suicidal thoughts.

My mind can be my bestie or my worse enemy... sometimes my happy place or my worse nightmare, it can work so well for me but even better against me. It's the love hate relationship that madness is made of.

And as i dig deeper into it's depths and crevices, exploring, searching even discovering more about me the less i understand...

😎🤘Bana 😘

Smile😊

Smile... smile... smile

All the while slowly crumbling inside.

You were my voice, every time i tried

Try to breathe

Try to deal try to get by...

No one cares as long as you smile, smile, smile....

But I'm fucking dying inside!

I put you on every single time

This other me that everyone likes😊

She is strong

She fights

Oh she is alright

She is laughing isn't she?

Yes... i can see her smile, smile smile😭

Questions

How could our 7 odd years mean nothing?

Did you ever loved me?

Why was it so easy for you to end us?

Were you ever faithful in our time together?

Was I just like any other girl?

Was our relationship real or convenience

Did I mean anything to you?

When I asked for other chances why was it so easy to say no?

Do you know we could of been 3? Did you care?

Are you happy?

Well that's all that matters your happiness

Him.

I always had a crush on him…. i was about 13 the first time i laid eyes on my first crush. I remembered it all to well…. my mama sent my cousin and I on one of our many trips to the shop to get a list of things for dinner that evening. On this odd day our usual place was closed and my cousin insisted that this new place would have all that we needed. Unknown to me my cuz had a hidden agenda, he wanted to go there for the arcade games, so we did i stood in the front of the establishment waiting patiently for him to play and then go on to purchasing our stuff. While standing looking around i noticed him, my first crush… i never felt anything like this before… it feels like a ball dropping in your stomach causing a reaction of shyness and unwilling awkward smiling alot of involuntary bodily actions drawing unwanted attention to yourself. Thinking come on Bana you don’t like him right? What is so special about him? And why do i feel sick and yet glad all at the same time, i need to leave was my last thought. “Hey!” i yelled at my cousin “let’s go mama is waiting” so he hurried up played out his game of course and then went on to get the things, all the while i stood next to him pretending to be unaware of the one selling him Mr. Crush of course…. Don’t make eye contact and be cool was my plan of action, for getting trough this transaction. I left there with the biggest smile on my face and the giddyest girly feeling that i have ever experienced. For the rest of the evening i was consumed by thoughts of what my next encounter would be like… would i be cool and calm or witty and funny cracking a joke to make him laugh but not being to obvious. I wanted to see his face again that gorgeous face of his and those eyes how soft and brown… his eyes were just beautiful. I was unable to think of anything else his face consumed my every thought.

The Ride

This life is such a beautiful sometime scary, magical, momentarily perfect, even seems unfair at times. Rollercoaster of emotions and events that I can't help know that there is an almighty making these plans for you, me, us.

I have seen it and also experienced it first hand, the wonders of the ride called life. And by no means do I have any idea when and how it will end. I have thought about it many times even at certain points in the ride I wanted it to end just stop and get off…. But thank God I didn’t.

We all are on this ride called life with evey twist and turn being as different and surprising as the next….

SCHOOL DAYS

I went to a junior secondary school, Chaguanas junior sec to be exact. I had a blast i enjoyed it made some friends that i still have up to this day. I went on to senior secondary and although it was fun and i also made friends i didn’t do so well academically.

And i will never put any blame on my parents or the teachers they all played their part and never gave up on me. But honestly i just was not into the hype of you need to do this work to make it, get a better job so that you will have a better life. My life was good it was fun i was enjoying myself playing the ass as my dad calls that faze.

But honestly what do you expect i was about 15, 16 and now crushing on my first love and that’s all i was thinking about honestly, was it the best choice? hell NO! but its the truth. Results for CXC came around and i was so scared i know my mom would kill me for the shit was about to hit the fan.

Well long story short i didn’t do well… i guess i already knew that… seeing that i didn’t give an eff or put no effort into any of my work. I collected my results shamefully and i knew i was surely getting my ass handed to me when i got home.

I showed it to my mom and she didn’t reacted how i expected it was the complete opposite. She was very sad and i could of seen the disappointment in her eyes she looked so sad, I felt so ashamed… she said nothing to me for a while, eventually she had a plan as usual she always bounce back with a solution you will repeat and we will do this and this and you will go here.

The shame and disappointment i saw in my mom’s eyes i knew i had to get my act together and do better if not for me but for my mom she deserved a better daughter. She sacrificed alot for me and still do up to this day. My mom and dad lives was not as nice and comfortable as mine and my brother’s. They had the carry water for miles and walk for days to get to school type of childhoods. And i was just being a jerk plain and simple for wasting time and money and resources to do a whole lot of nothing.

I told my mom after alot of arguments and fighting that i don’t want to go back to school i wanted to work. She was so mad😠😡 her exact words were “What kinda work you going to do with no experience and no qualifications?” I said i will do anything im just not going back to school. And its not that i didn’t want to go back i just wanted to do it on my own take the pressure off of my parents they did enough and it was my turn to prove myself.

So the job hunt was on, and boy was my mom right it was so hard to get something, anything and slowly i started to realize what both my parents were saying all along. Thanks to my aunty i got an interview with a manager at a call center who was willing to give me a shot but first i had to write an exam, it was a practical and written exam and according to my results and performance i would get a chance and be on probation for 3 months if successful with the test.

And so my journey began to becoming a better version of myself… I aced the test didn’t even get the entire probationary period she took me on. It was my first job it was late hours and hard work for very little but i was greatful because that manager took a chance on me and i was not going to disappoint anyone else, my aunty also put her head out by asking a favour and getting me the interview. My eyes were now open on how difficult it is to make something of yourself. And i no longer was doing it for my parents only but for myself and i wanting a better future for ME.

I was going to make myself something and do great things and eventually take care of my wonderful parents, my plan was all laid out, i had time periods and goals set i was destined for greatness. I became very determined and driven on making something of myself and wanting success.

Greater things was my only focus. But as we may all know i didn’t get very far with my plans the almighty had his own plans for me and I’m currently work in progress.

God is in control and is first place in my life so worried i am not…. some times frustrated and impatient but working on that but never worried more relaxed and all round happier 😁 and far from perfect. Mouth still hott🔥🔥 that will take a while to get under control 😎

God is great 👆🙏 God first everything else will fall into place.

I may want to forget you, but my heart will always find its way to remember you.

ma.c.a // Not Never (via vomitingwords)

This is so relatable at this point in my life huh...

Rest in paradise my unknown friend

I have said this so many times for this week but I’m still in shock. I can’t believe this, how could I be so emotionally taken up in a person i don’t know or ever met personally. But yet I’m heart broken like i lost a long time friend. Never fan girl on any band or actor or actress but yet i now understand how some people feel when their favorite celebrity passes.

Linkin Park music played a role in keeping me sane. Music is a therapy on it’s own… but LP was for my darkest days some very questionable moments that could of had some very bad end results…. but God of course and LP helped me back from those dark places my mind some times take me to.

LP spoke to me personally most of their songs was the theme to that episode of fucked that was taking place at that time. Chester was a tortured soul i think 🤔 he knew to much and his screams stung my soul like a war cry…. i felt his emotions like a heart beat… i could feel his every gasp of air that flowed into his lungs that allowed the sound of lyrical poetry to consume my mind body but most of all he touched my soul.

His voice was like no other his screams were mine. I really pray for all the people he saved with his music God give him a second chance and give him the peace he deserves and allow him a place of clam and comfort. Rest in paradise my unknown friend.

God is great and first always Keep fighting never give up. 👆🙏💔

Linkin Park forever 🤘😭😭 R.I.P Chester

The demons and their wispers

Always wanted to talk about this but… I was always a bit hesitant because it’s not something that is openly discussed.

Depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, you know all that cringe topics no one likes to talk about. But I feel it’s more rampant than we wish to admit… unfortunately.

I have never been diagnosed by a professional to be depressed or suffered from anxiety or panic attacks just wanted to state that before I continue.

I have been trough alot of unfortunate events in my life health wise and because of the early age and the snow ball rate it all happened… it took me a while before I really got a chance to realize the magnitude of what was really happening.

I was strong at first and decided to take on this battle head on. After a while of fighting and being positive it started to get to me…. it was getting so hard and exhausting.

The days i was at home alone was the worse😑 those were my hardest battles harder than the actual sickness. Your mind can be a very scary place, you can be your worse enemy at times.

You know your deepest darkest secrets, insecurities, fears, failures, embarrassing memories… anything that can be used to break you is stored in you mind and when you are alone that’s your only friend.

Friend! yeah right! more like demons pretending to be different friends giving you advice that is in your best interest. Hope I’m not confusing any one. Let me break it down.

On this particular day I was at home alone in my bed feeling really sick in alot of pain…😷🤕🤢🤧 now i will take physical pain any day, than deal with my mental demonic friends, they hurt more. Because they break you down when you are at your lowest by giving you ideas of how to feel better and stop the frustration… “it will be better for everyone” the voice wispers “don’t you think your parents had enough to deal with?” Your mom looked so tired this morning and your poor dad is at his wits end…. everyone is tired of you and this situation you should set yourself free…. yessss…. be free don’t you want to be free from this pain? Everyone would be sad for a while but think about how better it will be for them to be free from you and all this. But God was present that day thankfully…. otherwise i can almost guarantee i wouldn’t be here writing this long ass post😎

Thank God that he never gave up on me because those demons tried really hard and i came so close to giving in… they had all the answers all the solutions and all the methods in which i would end it all… the wispers never stop they are always there reminding you of how much you and your life brings unhappiness to your family and everyone around.

God wispers were faint and distant but was worth more than the millions of negative ones. I fought my way out and found different avenues to keep my mind occupied so that i could not hear them anymore…. and eventually not as much and now their wispers are the faint ones and worthless.

I wrote all this to give an idea that i got a taste of what it is like to have a sick mind and it may not be the entire story or exactly what a truly mentally ill person experiences but i needed to let it out.

Chester from Linkin Park committed suicide and i was reading some of the comments that was left by people and it was so heartbreaking how mean some people can be. Mental illness is real and very scary and just like a physical illness it hurts and breaks you down from inside out any one willing to know more can contact me and i will get into my experiences more but for now… just try and be kind to everyone it may save a life.

Don’t judge some thing that you have no idea of or experienced… we all have battles and trials to face. It will cost you nothing to be kind it takes the same energy to say something nice as it takes to be nasty just saying.

There is much more to this but i will end it here because i think you get it. God is great and leave judgement to him. Be your brothers and sisters keepers be kind and live life and love 😘