i dont wanna be alone forever but i feel like im gonna be i always feel sick i always feel. idk. everyone hates me im so anxious i cant breathe or sleep i just wanna breathe man idk 

our entire bedroom smells like my pussy. i’m at that point in my cycle. my body wants to be fertilized. im soft wet puffy horny available. smell good. eden says she can always tell by my smell were in my cycle i am. i can see how thatd be true.

we see a marriage counsellor. face time. she has experience with lgbt couples. our marriage isn’t falling apart no we’re very in love. no. its our sex. embarrassingly. well embarrassingly for eden, she’s the embarrassed one. she’s all humiliated, keeps talking about how she’s failing me. but it’s just frustrating for me. i’ve never been good at abstaining for a while. it’s trauma. i guess. it’s hard to fuck in our bed after stuff that’s happened in it, i get that. when we do fuck it’s always in missionary. eden stays clothed, uses a vibrating strap on, looks everywhere but at me and my face. waits til i cum, winces a bit at whatever unimpressive orgasm i muster up, pulls out, apologizes curtly, retreats to the balcony and sits in silence on her phone or doing work for an hour or two then comes back and we don’t talk about it.

its like a duty she has to perform. a stupid, unemotional ritual.

experiment, says our counsellor. take the focus off orgasm. stop when either of you needs to. eden, take your clothes off, allow yourself to experience that vulnerability and sierra to see you and make you feel comfortable in your skin. just work on finding what feels good again. so i half sit half lie here, sprawled on my back, horny, anticipating, knowing that nothing is likely to come out of this, anxious, frustrated. not with her, never. it isn’t her fault. just with the state of things. just what other people decide to do. and just with my inability to ever be satisfied.

um, this is the most, eden says. i-i think this is the most i can do. she’s wearing her boxers still. i nod. she creeps towards me, looks me over. she looks attracted to me, at least. i did try. i put a little makeup on. im still wearing my underwear too. a skimpy thong. its getting pretty damp, though. eden inhales deeply. it’s, she says. you smell good. she looks me over again. you look good too.

thanks, i say. she scoots towards me. she touches me slowly, grabs my hips, my ass. squeezes a little. she likes the feel of my flesh in her hands. i like the way she handles me. i squirm, rubbing my thighs together. she just keeps touching and grabbing me. she reaches a hand into my panties, finally. she seems surprised at my wetness. i breathe heavy. take the focus off orgasm, says the little voice in my head. 

do you want, i say, even though my clit is pretty desperate to be rubbed. me to use your special vibrator? eden stares at me and then shakes her head. no, i just.. she rolls her shoulders loosely. i just want to fuck the shit out of you, actually. i blink. im not just saying that, she adds. you smell really good. and you.. you’ve been eating more. getting healthy. i’ve got more to grab and i like that. turn over, i wanna see that ass.

i roll over. she breathes. yes, she says. thats nice. in almost no time at all i feel her pushing up behind me. she puts a hand to steady me, and i feel her finger tease my entrance. i arch my back. so sensitive in this moment. i feel myself flood her a little with liquid. she smiles. pushes her finger into me. my breath stutters and my hips rock back. this is already better than the emotionally distant missionary. my thighs are wet. i smell my arousal. sharp and crisp wafting against my nostrils.

the smell of it drives eden crazy, almost. i hear her breathing deep. you’re so hot, she says. fuck, you’re so hot. i almost feel like im wetting myself, im so wet. the sounds are slick and filthy. she’s deep in me, knuckle deep and its wet, and im breathing hard and so is she. its so hot in the condo now that its summer so we’re both sweating too. she pulls her fingers out and pushes her cock in instead. 6 inches, rubber. i stretch around it and groan, eden.

i can tell by her breath that she’s excited. im still slick as a river. she fucks me hard and fast. her breath starts skipping too. her cock must be rubbing back against her with her strokes. she pauses for a moment, breathing slow- trying not to finish. s-sorry, it’s been a while, she stammers. i haven’t even been jacking off, i guess i’m a little pent up..? i-

you can cum, i say with amusement. not before you, she says. i’m really sorry about how- it’s not about that, i say. about orgasms. i like doing this with you. i like this way better than just. i dunno. fucking. you were just fucking me before. but right now we’re having sex. i like that.

i look back at her. her lips are turned up in an awkward, apologetic smile. i like it too, she says. sorry for trying to force things, before, then. i guess i put too much pressure on myself. you always do, i say. on your back? she asks me. i roll over and spread my legs. she takes off her strap on. i blink, thinking for a second she’s going to go down on me, but what she does is she aligns her dick with me and pushes it in. puts her finger on my clit and starts to rub as she thrusts. neither of us are going to last long like this and we both know it. eden whimpers and moans. i pant and pant and my back arches and straightens. she cums more than usual, hot and runny and brilliant inside me. and i cum too, clenching around her and pulling everything in. i gasp. oh, fuck, i say. oh, fuck, eden. that, i smile at her, close my eyes, laugh weakly.

best sex we had in a while? yeah, eden pulls out and flops down beside me. by far. 

except eden but i dont wanna bother her shs so happy rn

but i dont. i mean who could i tell that would care

i feel so bad it hurts and i feel alone

still dont know how 2 talk about it to other ppl 

i have tob e here bc my kids need me and i cant go anywher and i wont but idont wanna cut again eanymore but idk what else to do i feel like im idk i juts idk everything idk idk idk everythign jsut sets me off

shouldnt i be better now why am i still here?

i wish i wasn’t such a pussy so i would just be done with things but i am i dont know what to do every day gets worse and worse

i hate crying so much

like i realy don’t see one

does it stop? im .. i want to see a path. i’m trying really hard to see a path but i don’t

is there ever a time it won’t hurt. you know what i mean ? like is there ever

Feel like im gonna vomit. end up here every time. Disappoint him every time. i don’t mind what he says about me, he can say any shit about me he wants. But i hate when he talks bad abt my friends, i don’t know. i’m lonely. i think about dying. always do whenever i think about what i should do to please him. to not die. would this be a good time to end things? is there such thing as a good time? is there such thing at all? death is Dumb. life is hell. i have no future i think. can’t see it at all anywhere. i’m a failure. i guess. I wanna throw up. i wanna die. i wanna do everything nd do nothing nd i dunno. i don’t wanna be a disappointment or a failure. i wish i wasn’t gay i wish i wasn’t dumb and stupid im sorry fro struggling for. i don’t know. i wish i was better i guess . i’m bad.really bad.

sometimes i wonder if there’s even a point like.. if here is awful and there is awful and everywhere is awful then where do we go?? i’m scared i made a big mistake. i’m scared there’s nowhere safe. i’m scared there’s no way out. i’m scared there’s no hope, i’m scared i ruined everything.. does that make sense?  a lot of the time i feel like i’m just... i don’t know maybe i’m stupidly optimistic. i have to hope for something though. i’ve already been hopeless too much i have to hope there’s a way, and pray for something to be possible, because i can’t switch bodies and i can’t change who and what i am. so there has to be a place i can exist and be fine. there has to be somewhere. i have to keep believing that or i’m not sure what i’ll do

sierra, um.. you okay? eden asks. her eyes show concern, her brows are scrunched up slightly with her worry. 

my first instinct is to lie so i do. i nod my head and say yeah i’m fine. but 20 minutes ago i was just sobbing and hitting my head against the wall in the bathroom with the bath faucet running to muffle the sounds and thinking about how great it would be if something heavy fell on my head and i died. my expression wavers. no, i admit. i swallow and look away. i’m not.

okay, she says softly. like a person afraid of spooking an animal. d- do you.. would you wanna maybe talk about it? 

it hits me that i don’t know what to say. i don’t know how to do this anymore. i lick my too-dry lips. i just, i start, hesitantly. hearing the sound of my own voice talking about this makes me physically recoil a little bit. it hurts so much to be here, i confess. i don’t think i can do it anymore. b-but i’m too scared to do anything about it. and i don’t want to let anyone down. my palms start to sweat. i rub them against my thighs. i feel like i’m in hell.

it feels embarrassing and overdramatic but it washes over me so hard i shake a little. cause it’s true. feels like the truest thing i’ve ever said. so true it leaves the taste of blood in my mouth. it feels like every other day i just- i just think about.. about doing it but i don’t have the courage. 

oh sierra, eden says, shaking her head. oh my sweet angel, she wraps her arms around me and holds me tight. i start to cry. she pulls me down gently on the bed and pulls me in towards her. just holding me. i sob into her chest. and eventually i cry myself out. and i just lay there, head resting on her chest, sniffling. feeling like a 17 year old being held by a greasy-haired gentle-faced 18 year old on a blowup mattress.

feeling safe.

ki ms o lonely i m s lo lonely