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sebthealchemist-blog · 7 years

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Hello all.

There are a few things I want to address, considering the fact that you are only going to receive the NYADA is Magic! admins’ side of the story on this subject. I know many of you are very close with the admin team and you’re not going to appreciate what I have to say and that’s completely fine. There are things I haven’t mentioned to anyone and I’ve bottled up so much I’ve what I’ve dealt with out of respect for the admin team. But after this, I’m going to make my concerns public. I’m going to start from the beginning.

I spent about a month on my original application for NIM. I was very excited about the political climate of the verse and wanted to do something incredibly controversial. I spent more than a month on my application, doing research, reading every inch of the main blog, wanting to do something groundbreaking with the beautiful material we’re given to work with as the blueprints for our muses. In my original application, I wanted Sebastian to have recently been changed into a vampire. The idyllic Bloodline son... having his entire life taken away. Having his parents sending him to NYADA with heavy payment for discretion and still considering whether or not they would have him killed. It was roughly five pages worth of an application. I had a clear understanding of how this would affect Sebastian, and the Smythes, because I had done my research. I learned everything possible about NIM and was so incredibly excited to challenge myself with this writing adventure. Speaking through first Rach, then the IM on the main, the admins requested we do a workshop. This was for me to discuss my questions about the strife this interesting decision would cause. Just imagine-- someone who was raised to despise LNs waking up one morning as one of them!

The admins explained that I didn’t understand the implications that this would have in the verse, how it would cause too many issues, but they’d be happy to look at an application for a Bloodline Sebastian, or allow me to transfer my application to another character. They didn’t even look at my original application. With the story I’d spent months toying with before putting it in print. They turned it down without even glancing at it.

I deconstructed my application, stripping away the parts that they felt I didn’t understand before even giving me a chance. I gave them the application they wanted and was accepted.

The first time I went to the admins for help was shortly after I got here. I made it known from the beginning that I have a lot of anxiety and struggle with talking about my feelings. I was feeling stressed out because comments in the OOC chat were making me uncomfortable and I felt like I was being cornered with a ship and I didn’t know how to address it. The problem was handled seamlessly, though would later be brought up, because apparently this was seen as a personal vendetta I had against someone.

The downfall of Sebastian at NIM started when he got a crush on Mason while he was interested in Marley, and later dating her. Everyone here loved both of the players, and I realize in hindsight I was probably seen as the jerk newcomer who was trying to ruin an IC relationship with the people you were already friends with OOC. I understand now why I became unpopular and why everyone pulled away, but at the time? I couldn’t see it. I was letting Sebastian take the wheel and really thought all of the IC drama wasn’t bleeding over into OOC. This was not just hard on me, but the other player as well, whom had been so well liked previously and was now being treated differently. As time went on, it became apparent that this treatment was what happened when characters associated with Sebastian. The notable difference in OOC treatment of my partners made it difficult to reach out and improve things, as it felt that not only was no one interested in supporting Sebastian or his growth, but that in fact the mere association of characters with him was a damning indictment. I don't want to speak for others in this post, but other players have told me that they felt this way after our characters plotted or associated in any way.

I started to struggle. The admins made it clear to me during these times that Sebastian’s views, especially on other races, were changing too quickly. I tried desperately to explain that even in the application, it was made clear that Sebastian regularly partied and hung out in seedy bars with LNs and New Ages, and that his hatred of them was more of a front. To me, the story I was trying to tell was clear. It was clear to me, it was clear to those I was close with, and it was even clear to some in the group I’d never really spoken to much before. But the admins didn’t see the story. And my explanations of why I was making the choices I was making weren’t accepted. Instead, I was told, “We are here to help you out all throughout the way, but we need your cooperation and no more excuses.”

No more excuses. The defense I tried to create for what I was writing and why was seen as nothing more than an excuse. This is what I was told after I took a month off in January and spent the entire time creating an entire web of ways for Sebastian to connect with other characters, because he’d gotten in a rut of communicating with the same five people. I dropped the ball here, and for that I’m very sorry. I wasn’t replying to starters and I wasn’t reaching out to you guys because I was scared. I understood you no longer liked me and it made it very, very hard for me to reach out IC. But I should have pushed through. My drawbacks made Sebastian fall short. When I returned from my hiatus, I received a very long critique from the admins. This took place before they even looked at the pages of plot I’d come up with. It was so much like how they hadn’t shown any interest in my original application. They, again, didn’t have faith in me. This time, though, it was my fault. I wasn’t what they wanted me to be.

After this, I tried to get back on track. I tried starting to show things on the dash with self paras and thought posts and replies as opposed to headcanons, but I felt so downtrodden. To me, NIM had been the place where I had never measured up to expectations and didn’t fit the way everyone else seemed to so easily, whether it was IC or OOC. But I tried so hard to be more present in the group chat. I tried to make myself liked again. Because there had been a small window where I really had been, I think. A small window where there were “love fests” about me and Seb in the group chat, where there always still are consistently with some of our other players and characters. But in this period of me trying to reach out, hoping to desperately reconnect to everyone that I wanted so much to impress and to like me, I screwed up. I made a comment that I thought was helpful advice about a situation. It had the opposite effect. The player went to the admins about how I’d been mean and hurt their feelings. Later, I apologized to them at length. I had never meant to hurt anyone.

I was then informed that they were not the first player to do this. It turns out that over my course at NIM, many of you felt ignored and as if I didn’t like you. You came to the admins saying I’d hurt you or offended you in some way. During this, I had a hard time. I lashed out. I cried and cried, and dealt a lot with feelings of lack of self-worth. I felt that I had been foolish, caring for the people I’d hoped were still my friends. My NIM family. But it turns out, many had felt hurt and disliked by me. At this time, when I was struggling with this discussion with an admin, I was angry and hurt. I was told this: “Seeing as such, please take a hiatus from the game. This hiatus meaning IC blog, ooc chat, ooc blog. Take a step back, reevaluate, and then let's talk. Everyone else in the admin team will be notified on this.I would like for you to give me a written confirmation as well as a time limit. I will set for 1 week minimum.”

I think this is the point when I should’ve known that the admins were going to ask me to leave. Since when does NIM order hiatuses? I guess I was the first for a lot of things here. I was told this hiatus was “for my health.” Much like now, my health was being evaluated by someone who was not myself, nor a trained professional. This didn’t sit well with me.

But after the week was through, and my birthday celebrated, I came back and was chomping at the bit, ready to work out the kinks. I hated nothing as much as the two hiatuses I’d taken from the group. Take a moment to try and imagine how to quell the urge to refresh your dash as soon as you see notifications, or to check in with the group chat. Wouldn’t you feel like part of you is missing? I wasn’t willing to do that. So I put both of my best feet forward. I had a voice chat with an admin, cleared up every misconception that we’d ever had between each other, and had an incredibly heartfelt conversation. For the first time, I think we really heard each other. And I was so grateful. I don’t know that I’d ever had a conversation that had been quite so cathartic. We’d both needed it.

And we were ready to move on. I plotted endlessly through March, and then April. And even though the game itself slowed down, I pushed through. Many of the people I speak to frequently in the game were worried about the prospects of it closing, myself included, but I felt after that long conversation that it was important to push through. As long as some of our members were still posting, the game would hold on. We could support NIM in the times when the admins couldn’t be here, and we’d all be eagerly awaiting their return. I, as I imagine many were, was so excited and ready for them to be back. For summer plots! For further development.

And after they returned, activity picked back up And it was awesome. I was doing my absolute best to have Seb communicate with more characters, and myself with more of you. So you would understand, individually, how important you were to me, even if I’m absolutely terrible at showing it. I thought I was succeeding. And Sebastian was all over the dash, and even arguing with other characters, which is the most fun to play out. And he said some horrid things, as he does, because he thinks in absolutes. It’s one of his fatal flaws. And during this argument, a comparison was made. And while Sebastian, as a Bloodline in the magical world, didn’t understand the full implications. I, as a Common, did. It made me uncomfortable. I went to the admins for help because during in the long discussions with the admins I’d had before, I was always told to come to them. In regards to triggers, they said, “We do this because the agreed-upon rules of the game is to create a space that is safe for people.” And it should be.

So I was incredibly triggered, not by the description of qualities (because they were beyond fair, and tame in comparison to what Sebastian had said) but to the comparison of Sebastian to Donald Trump. I personally feel, and know that some others also feel, that that is a line you don’t cross. Even in “real life,” it’s a comparison that no one I know would make because of the harsh implications. And it really bothered me. I was tempted to address it with the player directly, simply to ask for a trigger warning and consideration that the comment be removed, though the descriptions remained in place. (Though I never spoke to the player, a trigger warning has since been added.) But for fear of hurting the person’s feelings as I had many of yours in the past, I reached out to the admins for help. I was told such things as, “Honestly, my initial thought was and suggestion would be that if the response from [them] is that overwhelming and provoking such a strong emotional response, then it is probably wisest to first take a step back, take a breath, and leave the reply alone for the time being.” As well as, “Call it a night, don’t think about it until you get back online tomorrow.” Is this how events that trigger people are now handled? If you come back to it later, you will no longer be affected by the issue? While I’m not triggered by the use of Donald Trump’s name, a comparison drawn between him and any character is something that I find really overwhelming. My exact words to one of the admins were these: “That is the honest to fucking god most offensive thing? Like, in or out of character, about real or fictional people? It’s not fucking cool and I have no goddamn clue what to do.” (I do apologize for my language. I have a mouth like a sailor, but I know you’re all used to that by now. The expletives are not meant harshly, but with general expression as they always are with me.) Later, I said, “If [they] would have literally left the Donald Trump comparison and just listed the qualities? I wouldn’t haven’t give a shit, and the argument could have went on as it was.”

I didn’t realize that this had sealed my fate.

I was told this ([Brackets] have been used for anonymity): “Lola, I don't think this role play is okay for your mental health. Sebastian was the one who went after [them] in the first place by calling [them] names? There was also the casual toss of the word homicidal?” That word ‘homicidal’ was used in regards to animals. I owned up to the intensity of the argument and also that it would have continued, had Donald Trump simply been left out. After the election, we were asked to keep Commons’ politics out of the OOC chat, and they also weren’t discussed in-game.

The admin then listed all of the people they felt I have “problems” with OOC. Because, starting from the first time I was feeling pressured about a ship, and then about some comments made in the OOC chat about Sebastian being manipulative, and then a comment I’d hoped to be helpful, it had been decided that I can’t get along with anyone. So a list was made of the people I allegedly had issues with and I said this: “I came with a simple problem of ‘hey, this comparison makes me so uncomfortable.’ Sebastian went for the throat, as he does, and [they] should too, if that’s in [their] character. I have no problem with [them]. I don’t even know [them], so how am I supposed to have a problem with [them]?”

To which the admin countered, “This is a tough decision and I know that this wasn't the answer you wanted to hear. However with everything that we've witnessed, this is not a good environment for you. I am not changing my mind. This is better for your health. I remember that we had talks prior where you said that I was giving you panic attacks. This is not about you having problems with other players. It's about this role play causing you to have really intense pressure and making you suffer for it.”

I have major anxiety and PTSD and the pressure of talking to the admins about things I really struggle with has induced a panic attack on two or three separate occasions. I had admitted this to them in hopes of explaining why I sometimes come off as cold and calculating. I am trying to protect myself from this OOC stress. I couldn’t understand why, when I’d come to the admins for help, I was being told to leave the group. I said, “And no one could just pop over to [them] and say “hey this kinda bothered our players! If we could just avoid that, it would be awesome!” And then tell me how Seb should proceed? That’s literally all i needed. Some support. And guidance.”

The response was this: “I know, and it's awesome that you talked with us. But this only shows to me and all of us that this is not a single event. No, this is not if you got triggered by one thing. This is a series of events that proved to us that this is not a place that is good for your mental health because you told us that many times. I am not making stuff up. I am aware of all the things you've tried to do and I'm proud of you for it.”

I want it to be clear that I have never, not once, told the admins this game is not good for my health. NIM was my passion. I had things plotted out as far as two years in the future. I poured my heart into this game. In response to the admin’s comment above, I said, “And instead I’m having decisions about my health made for me? I know what is best for me. I’m an adult. If I thought I was in an unhealthy environment, I’d take myself out of it. You’re so proud of me that you’re taking away one of the most important things I have that I’ve been building for almost a year.” Below, I’m going to transcribe the remainder of the conversation after I made that comment. I’ve removed the skype name and timestamps for sake of anonymity.

Admin: Excuse me. What? Would you like to leave with souring my point of view about you?

Lola: I don’t understand why I’m being forced to leave at all. I don’t understand why I can’t make a decision about what’s best for me. I’ve spent so long trying to do everything I can to do all the things the admins have asked [of] me. I’ve tried to [change] how people see me and feel about me and I’ve built this awesome story which I have been working on non-stop especially since the conversation we [had] and I don’t understand why. I just don’t understand. i don’t understand why. I went to the admins which is what I was told to do and now I’m being told I have to leave *corrected typos are in [brackets]

Admin: Honestly this is why I think it's best that you aren't in the group environment. I don't want you to be stressed out any further. I know this place is fun and it hurts to be let go, but I also think a private role play experience where you don't have to engage in something that leads to frequent emotional turns is something that is better in the long run, instead of deteriorating health. I'm not saying you cannot contact anyone else in the group again. You are free to write with whomever you wish. It's that this roleplay, single role play, NYADA is Magic, is and has been consistently stressing and making you feel bad.

Admin: I wasn't doing this to hurt you further, and I know that it is a painful experience, so I understand my intention and this action can have different consequences. I'm not going to have the party you wanted be cancelled either. You can have whatever you wanted to do to be done, you can just hang out with friends. However after today, this is all of us in consensus, I am going to let you go from what is a toxic environment to your health. I don't want you to think you let down our expectations. This is a series of events. Based on our history of interaction with you. This was not a fun decision. This was a hard one by all of us. You don't have to empathize because I know you're feeling not that great right now but I wanted to at least know that it was not an arbitrary decision.

I think there are a few important things to address about the way this conversation went. Additionally, another of our players was informed that this was a “decision made over time.” The admins had decided to ask me to leave long ago. And just now found a catalyst to do it. And they’re cloaking it in this idea of mental health simply because I went to them for help.

For as all inclusive of an environment as NIM is, with all of its trigger warnings and styles of magic to include all aspects of life, my anxiety was the basis for my removal from the group. Because I have this issue that I deal with constantly, they managed to spin this as if they are looking out for my mental health.

No one, and I mean not a single human being on this planet who is not a licensed professional, should ever be able to tell someone something like this. What they have done is taken away my solace. My story. My outlet. My passion.

Additionally, you cannot look at another person an attempt to prescribe what you feel would be a better situation for them to be in. I have been roleplaying for nearly six years. I have always been in group environments. I have never had a problem with a group the way I have with NIM, but I’ve also never had people try to exert such control over my muse and my muse’s story. The admins do not have any right to tell me, or anyone else for that matter, what kind of group experience I should be in. And the fact that they think I would ever assume that they were forbidding me from contacting any of the players again, but gave me their express permission to keep speaking with my friends? It truly shows how far they think their control reaches. But it does not reach me. It has never reached me.

The chatzy party that was pushed back several times and then postponed indefinitely was still supposed to take place, as the admin said above. Without me being contacted further, and still assuming the chatzy would happen, my character was removed from the RP. I was promised one last thing, perhaps to say goodbye, and even that was taken from me.

With comments like, “However it is not only our decision but our responsibility as admins to decide if we want to put a person through what happens in our roleplay” and “This decision was made for the best for the member” and “We value real life over a role play,” as was posted on the nyadaisooc blog, the admins are making it sound as if they made this decision with my best interests at heart. And while they will continue to claim that was the case, that is not true. They made this decision because I was too much to handle. Because I stood up for myself and my friends and wasn’t able to morph into the person, player, and muse they wanted me to be.

“This is something that we all had discussed at length and chose to go through.” This decision was made and I was informed of it within about 8-9 hours. This was quite literally overnight, between 3AM and 12:30 PM, EST. So it was either made at length and decided long before I came to the admins for help, or it was made rapidly and not thought through at all. I don’t know which of those is worse.

While this post will be controversial, and it will permanently ruin myself in the eyes of the NIM admin team as well as many of our players, I felt that it was important for me to say these things. I wasn’t going to give a final response to the admins, because I am incredibly heartbroken, but upon being informed of the post on the OOC blog and people’s responses in the OOC chat, and about how they are still trying to make it sound as if this decision was done to help me, I needed to make one thing clear: this decision was not done to help me. It was done as a way to finally get rid of me. And it has, in fact, done the exact opposite of help. I feel worthless. I feel as if all of my hard work doesn’t mean a thing. I’ve learned the hard way that people I thought were my friends never actually cared for me at all, or they wouldn’t have done this. They wouldn’t take away something that means so much.

Even an admin said to one of the players who had, I guess, reached out on my behalf and expressed that the decision didn’t add up: “Okay, I can understand that. Our reasonings don’t match up with what’s happening, and asking Lola to leave may hurt more than help.”

While some of you will now be glad for my absence, please still know that I cared about each of you so very much. And I will miss you and miss this game dearly. Try to forgive my shortcomings and the way I let you down. Having to leave NIM is me leaving a piece of my heart behind. Thank you for everything you did while I was here. I wish you all the best.

#cw: donald trump #cw: mental health #cw: harsh language quoted #sebastian smythe rp #glee rp

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