sdnimer
Enim fo sdnimeR
A little rant about the advertising world in a small studio.
39 posts
Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.
Last Seen Blogs
nado-ts
شيميل عربيه في اسطنبول نادو
aurelian-s
it's all the same
riotstructure
ALL I WANT YOU TO DO IS CHASE ME
buckscountylawyer
Personal Injury Law Firm
souridealist
we gather up our hearts and go a thousand kisses deep
Text
Journal Log #02
Closure (?, Yes Matt, goddamn)
Monday, January 1st 2024
Yello, old friend. This is the first entry of 2024, and it’s time to finally put an end to one of my biggest mental decline closure.
Sophie A.
It feels weird and different to write and to see the name at the same time. A mixture of hatred and love. We wrote so much in a love letter and yet we’ll never able to express that to her. Was it our fault that we weren’t consistently and fast enough? Was I too slow while it was hot and I just let it simmer too long?
I wonder if it was really all my own doing that was achieving nothing that made her think since I’m not so aggressive and too little too late, I might as well go ahead with somebody else? I don’t understand and yet here I am blaming myself for something I didn’t do anything about it, or do so little about it.
Looking at the past timeline, we were trying to find our own ways that we didn’t really put much thought and attention to it. I guess because I was going for the safer route by giving her space and time for her to do whatever things she wants to do. I hardly knew her schedule and even if I did, I didn’t put too much thought into it.
I waited too long and there was no follow up in-between of conversation during that period of time. I really had no conversation topic to talk to her or to ask her. I also simply was to scared to do so because I was too scared to commit. I was entirely shocked by her respond on being reciprocate with my feelings. I was too stunned for myself and wasn’t really sure how to go about it.
Looking back, I simply could not have made that far. I’m overthinking my previous ways of reaching towards her. I simply do not understand myself enough to be able to court her. I was too selfish on myself and pride on the things that I did but never a concern towards her or simply ask her days. I was too scared, and now I suffer the aftermath and revelation.
Am I sad? Terribly yes. I pride on communication to my team and such, and self-reminded myself on that and yet I didn’t do so with her. My mental was declining even more when she reveal it to me, shyly, and convinced me to commit a post for something she should have done it herself. It was punch after punch and I simply felt regretful.
My entire week has been declining ever since with migraines, forgetfulness and hives. Hives is the worst and I still don’t know the cause. I really don’t get it but at the same time I’m blaming myself for things that I didn’t do. And now, we’re just friends? Honestly, it was my mistake for saying such thing but it was too late to ingest such as I’ve already knew it too late.
I just felt cringe with the paper craft I’ve made for her. I feel extremely embarrassed and regret for making such craft. I simply just stupid.
Do I like her now after all the things that had happened, yes, I am still. But, it’s more of friendship love that I like about her. I don’t think I would ever walk past liking her more than a friend. I found closure at the very least and now I can take a step back and regain my own strength. My own personality. I’ve asked myself, if I could tell her one thing if she gave me a chance, this is what I would say:
I can’t simply say I love you more than a friend as I do not know you well. I wish that I had taken the extra mileage of asking you out but I was too scared to do so because I felt that taking you away from your schedule isn’t what you want, and yet that was simply my assumptions. I should have asked. I wish I had taken more photos with you because you’re beautifully cute and pretty. Your smile lit up the room, yet you have this hidden motive behind those strength shield you put up for yourself for others to see. It’s like, was the smile really true?
I just want to rage right now. My mind is everywhere. I just don’t feel like finishing this journal but I know I need to get a closure. This may take time and I may need to detach myself away from her if I possible could. It’s gonna be a hard long endure of longing for love. Am I not loveable?
I couldn’t even bring myself to cry for this mistake I’ve made. Was it ever a mistake? I don’t know. I hate this feeling of uncertainty and yet I know the result of such. I love her? I wanted to be her best friend but I never tried to be so.
Nonetheless, I’m always happy and proud of her achievements. I will never stop supporting her. She is my friend and I love my friends. I care for my friends very much. She lost some respect from me but I would be able to separate the work and the person itself.
I don’t know. I’m clueless as to what do I do now. My year has been clueless since the I quit my job. I’ve had enough with everything and everything just came at a halt. I don’t know what to do. How do you tell someone you like them so much and yet you didn’t do anything about it beforehand? Definitely my fault.
Moon, please tell me, how could you be so beautiful yet so painful for me to look at now. Everything seems so blur, am I stupid?
I guess the sunset is beautiful now, isn’t it?
I'll be damned if I do it, damned if I don't I'll be lost if I love him, lost if I won't
My human heart won't mend itself When my own two hands are ripping out the seams Oh, it seems I'm my own worst enemy Oh, I'm doing it to myself
Can't feel your heartbeat If I never get a chance to say I miss you If I never get a chance to say I still do
0 notes
Text
Journal Log #01
I have been making my own private journal, but I also would like to share a little bit from it over here. I felt like, if somebody ever found this, this is the part of me that I want them to read.
AND, I can't believe this journal log has been self-harm for years! I'm happy to say I've grown out of it. So here's some refreshment on how I've been writing my private journal logs. (hence the new number) I might share more if I ever felt like I want them to read too.
1:01 AM - Monday, December 11th 2023
It has been a rollercoaster ride of information, huh? Things are moving so fast that you didn’t had enough time to process and this cause a little delay in your business.
Let’s rewind and unwind. We can’t sleep anyhow since we keep thinking about it and although writing about it out on our previous journal is so worth it, I can’t find it. So, typing on our old method again.
I liked her so much. I cared for her too much that I slowly lost track of myself a little bit. I wanted to impress her with my card skills and my only way of saying “I love you” or “I wanna keep in touch with you” is through card, and I couldn’t express them outside of my craft. This is a new territory because the new environment was because they reciprocate our feelings back, and even though in my heart that we aren’t together officially or even mentioned on the same page, I knew there will be a moment that she will find somebody else that fits better for her relationship needs.
People meet new people all the time, especially in an industry that are build through communities. You have to stand out and be in the crowd. So, it’s really not your fault that you couldn’t make it into fruition or towards what you think it should be. You did your best in telling them how you felt, because that is the most genuine thing that comes from you.
Deja vu isn’t it? With "Z" and now "S". The only problem is that they are everywhere and it is a small world. You’ve made promise that even if this doesn’t work out, way before you pursuit her, you will still support her in the smallest way you possible could in your own capacity. Let’s be honest here, you wanted to impress her on what you can do as a person. Yes and she’s totally out of your league.
Looking back, maybe you push your luck too much or you were too late. There're gaps in-between and you were too afraid to pursue since you haven’t gotten that point for yourself. Honestly, this was our very first love that we thought we could work it out. Giving her space to grow and guess she found somebody. We are gonna feel sad and we are gonna celebrate for her.
Whether it’s an actual thing that we heard, or we’ve heard it wrongly, maybe "O" was right. The closure is to not have any of it. You still have to move on. You got better things to worried about then a girl who doesn’t share their days with you, even after you’ve mentioned your interest. They say that your vibe attracts your tribe. And that Bug Hunter said, “So many lives to still impact, some still have yet to cross path.” so maybe with us stepping into our business-hood, we’ll find someone who appreciate us and our crafts. Our personalities, our intentions, and our care. Which we have, platonic-ally, and isn’t that better?
To Sop, I don’t know if I heard was what I think it was, but I had wish you would just be honest and tell me about it. Tell me gently and lead me into it. It is totally understandable that I would be crying about it, it’s a heartbreak after all. All heartbreak will go through sadness and tears. With open-minded conversation, it wouldn’t even be tears, just relief. Right now, I have no idea what I heard was right or not. And if so, you don’t have to hide, you can just tell me. I would rather have it confrontational by you then anyone else.
Anyhow, I’ve said my piece in my recent card to you, and I don’t need to repeat it ever again. I don’t need to be try hard making you liking me or getting your attention. And "J" can finally stop pestering me about rizzing you up.
Tough industry, huh? You want the best but balance is needed, silence is needed, proper structure is needed, but it is what it is. It’s a corporate industry world. You have to let it go and let them settle it themselves. Be there when they needed you. You’re a listener, only a doer when it is within your spectrum.
Although this anger can’t be translated anywhere else, we suffered a stiff migraine that was ultimately result in our 4th attack this year, I think it’s a sign to let go of the industry as a whole. Go back to where it made us feel having fun wasn’t a chore and being alive forgetting the horrors of reality for a moment. Like what we’ve said, fun and alive is what I want to be remembered.
Let’s also disclaimed that why we’re having so much anger was because of how we were in a company with their 5 core values. We are passionate in what we do, we have integrity, we hate stagnancy, we do something about it, and we give value to each other. What was missing in these cases was integrity. That’s why we’re so angry and adamant to call out since that was what we’ve been practicing for almost 3 years, and that’s what kept us strong for 6 years.
Without saying it out loud, it’s like we’re fighting against our morale integrity. At the same time, everyone deserves a second chance, and I would like to believe that he is genuinely sorry and would make amends. The only way I could forgive someone when it comes to integrity is that they’ve genuinely show results. Wow, a company really taught us about performances in another level, huh?
You can take myself out of the company, but you can’t take the values of the company from me.
0 notes
Text
The Missing - Journal Log #36
1:29pm - Home (7th July 2017)
This entry is going to be written when it’s the day that I’ll be working on my current job for the last time. A day when I get sentimental for someone else, but never of mine own. It’s a well-known fact that I’ve always done something wonderful for the people who left before me, and while I do not expect much when I’m about to leave, I’m ready for what’s gonna come for me.
For 4 years I’ve incubated in this company. And after 4 years, there were many lesson to be told, but only one stands out among the rest. And that is, the lesson of letting go.
I’ve let go the projects that I was excited to meet and spend my hours on it, but yet it was never brought before me, so I let it go and hope the best for the ones that are appointed.
I’ve let go the projects that we were able to win but lost because the judges goes along with the other ones that either affordable for them or ours are too balls deep to shown.
I’ve let go the ideas that were do-able with the financial status of the client, but was altered in the last minute because of miscommunication.
I’ve let go the ideas that weren’t do-able with the financial status, but was amaze of how we’ve gone extreme on the ideas.
I’ve let go the ideas that were thrown out and never to be revisited again.
I’ve let go the
[not gonna finish this, but it’s in my draft. So posting it.]
0 notes
Text
Journal Log #36
6:51 PM, January 5th 2020 - Home
I’m back alive. I have not been logging into tumblr and to my shitpost journal for so long.
I’ve realise checking back my logs, I didn’t put in the dates. I don’t know if that was on purpose to let everyone know when I wrote that post, or I forgot to wrote it down.
Anyhow, my life have been quite eventful. I came back to continue doing this journaling. Writing have been stressing my fingers out so typing is the best way, and also because when I typed things out, my brain just narrates it. It’s amazing. It’s like writing but also typing out the thoughts in my head.
Moving forward to this blog post, things are going to be a little more positive and different tone. I back to shitposting my thoughts and maybe after a decade I can come back and read them and see how far I’ve progressed.
There’s nothing much for me to write down on this post, just something new to start. A hobby I’ve put it to rest, trying to revive it and see where it goes. There’s nobody found this blog yet, and if you do, congratulations you still have no idea who I am.
Here’s to a new year and a new decade. No new year new me kinda thing, but new year new things to explore. Cheers.
0 notes
Audio
Journal Log #35
12:40pm - Office
Have you felt a little off today
Had a lot to say
But wound up talking to yourself?
I've been hunting for a kindly ear
But couldn’t find one near
And wound up talking to myself
0 notes
Text
Journal Log #34
8:00pm - Office
Nevermind, I just found another reason to add another cuts. Not sure which part should I do it. The hand it’s pretty obvious. So maybe somewhere hidden.
Legs.
Let’s do legs. It’s a leg day!
0 notes
Text
Journal Log #33
7:45pm - Office
Another cut? That’s what I’m thinking as of now. Right here right now. After 3 cuts a few nights ago. I have reached my most lowest point of my entire life.
It was a deep cut. 3 deep cuts to remind myself the pain I’ve caused towards people; the people I didn’t want to hurt; the pain I caused to myself.
This first self-inflicted deep cuts, are just a reminder. This big patch white bandaid, it’s a sign. Not to show off, but to say, something.
We kept quiet because if we ever did mentioned a thing, people will take it as an attention seeker. A pride that the victim would love to own. To have. To feel. To be appreciated. But it’s also a sign, a sinner, saying, this is what you caused. One of the many reasons, this is what you’ve caused me.
It’s an on-going debate. A pressure for the cryer. The loner. The sufferer. While maintaining a mask of happiness. To push aside the darkness. So that the bandaid, the white bandaid, doesn’t shout, doesn’t stand out.
Suicidal is closer. The closer the day it is, the better it is. The phrase “it will get better” is just a hoax. It’s a fantasy that the sufferer could not achieve. It’s never gonna be achieved.
I’m saying goodbye.
I’m sorry.
Forgive me, sin. Forgive me, hurt. Forgive me. The pain will go away.
0 notes
Text
Journal Log #32
6:11pm - Office
It’s raining outside right now. The chances there’s going to be an influx of people on the train is 80% fullness. So I rather take the next few hours of train ride. Letting the ones that are rushing home to go first.
I haven’t been feeling well. Not in the terms of physical sickness, more of the kind that I know there’s something wrong but I can’t seems to put my finger onto it. I have a feeling it’s something to do with my mental problems, which is buggering me right now, but there are other things that is triggering me.
Is it the sense of denial or acceptances of what had happened a few days ago? The graduation event that a few of my close friends encourage me not to go? And we all know how that turned out. I went.
And I kinda know now where do I stand in that situation. I just seems to fail to learn from my previous attempts. So now I’m kinda idle. Idle of dying. Is this the feeling what people feel before they actually attempt to suicide?
I really have a feeling this is it.
I’m resigning soon on July 7. And that’s a really good date. 7/7/17. Call the Satan, he’s not wanted either is the heaven. I was thinking that would be a great date to suicide as well. As that is like, the day I’ve ended my job as a graphic designer and my entire life as a human being.
I get it. I won’t be able to be who I am. Transistioning is hard. Even after being transistioned I doubt that I could even find someone to hold hands with. I don’t think the issue was finding love. But more of an acceptance in the society.
Reading the book “Quiet” by Susan Cain really speaks the silence I have inside of me. It also really opens up my mind, and I guess the sentences of “God has his ways” works this time. The books speak loudly of my mind. But there are still some emptiness inside of me. Not loneliness, but anger, empty.
I haven’t been able to cry. Most likely because I don’t want to. After the accepting of “It’s not gonna happen” because maybe I fucked up at some point, but that accepting period of time, it didn’t really hit me that hard like it had last time. Maybe I was ambitious last time, but this time, I knew.
They say it’s not a good thing to avoid the ones that you might hurt them, because you haven’t hurt them yet.
Basically this log, is just to pure out the things that is happening in my head. I really have no other medium to purge all this, these, things that is happening. I wouldn’t call it memories, but, I guess in my own terms, learnings. Because we never stop learning from our failures. I guess I’ve also glad I did it. Going to her graduation and did the things that I feel like it’s my last resort. Didn’t had time to write a proper letter thou. Cause that’s what I like to do, my last resort, my last communication. And after that, I doubt I will ever meet them again. Bumping into each other sure, but a proper meet-up is highly un-doable. So the letter is also like my farewell to her. To the memories that I’ve kept for so long.
It’s almost a year.
It’s almost 4 years.
I really want people to read this. But I can’t be bother to give more burden to others when they already have had enough of my bullshit. And so I kept quiet. I keep distance. I keep solitude.
If you’re listening, reading, breathing, shocked, let me tell you, you will know if I’ve ever going to suicide. Asking me “why” is the most stupid question I’ve ever wanted to hear. It’s not exactly I want to hear either. It’s really weird. It’s really hard to communicate with suicidal people. It’s just that our last effort is to tell people, we’re in trouble, but we’re too shy to say so, and so we kept a mask, under another layer of mask. Some even tripled the mask we have, to be able to get into an infinite amount of mask we hide behind.
I think, I’ve said enough. Maybe I’ll get back to this journal log. And keep logging my feelings, my thoughts. I have lot to say to many people, but the real question is that, Will they eventually hear my cries under my happiness?
Maybe you should ask yourself that, dear reader.
EDIT: From my looks on the graduation photo, you can literally crop me out of the photo. And you can also hear my cry as if I’m saying “Help me. And then kill me. Please”
I really wish the photo is crop and then upload. That would be awesome. Maybe I should untag myself. Just to feel better (?) Nah, not gonna lie. Let’s just leave the photo as it is. Silence is a great tool.
0 notes
Text
Journal Log #31
10:34am - Office, Work
Just wanna let know something because I just want to type something. It’s been awhile since I’ve type something useless or even informative.
Also, I miss the days of actually chatting with people through the internet. Mainly named, Gendounians. Or Gendou.com
Either way, just a little update on life. After a year and 6 months or so, I went back to self-harm again. Although it’s a teenie tiny scar. But, I don’t feel it anymore. I don’t know. It feels fun to do it again.
Oh yes, I’ll do it again defo.
Okay now back to work.
0 notes
Text
Journal Log #30
10:43pm - Home
Today was a good day to kill myself. First, I didn’t know that my parents were going out of state. So they did. And my brother went to work. So it’s safe to say that nobody will be at home for the whole daylight.
But I didn’t do it.
Second, I meet up with my previous crush. And she looks vibrant as always. That night after the meet, I cried in my sleep. I was dozing off, but I knew I cried. But was too tired, so I wept while sleeping off.
But I didn’t do it.
I might have missed the chance to actually do it, but I didn’t had a gun. And there wasn’t a place for me to hang myself either. Cause I didn’t had a rope.
So, I just live my life as it has always been on Saturdays. 5pm bike ride, coming back and everything is back to normal again.
0 notes
Video
youtube
Journal Log #29
2:47am - Home
This is the soundtrack of victory when you finish your list of items to be done.
0 notes
Text
Journal Log #28
9:11PM - Office
Working late again. Guess who got everything slow down just because of a few speed bumps.
When I’m in passionate working, I will work double when I’m not suppose to. I guess when you hit some speed bumps you’ll probably just move along.
Well, I’m the opposite. I freaked out. I’m debating to hit the gas pedal or the just put on the breaks. It’s that moment it would take not just a 5 minute break or a few seconds shut eyes, but an hour or 2.
Is this what depression is? I hate it when it’s back. I have to put on extra push on myself to get me going again with the gears turning.
I guess I have to go back to work before depression takes over me again. It sucks. But I have to move on. There’s no turning back. There isn’t a chance to turn back anyway.
Just to add things into this, I think I’ve tolerate my sadness and disappointments into nothingness and my life is a blur. So when someone asked if I’m alright, I either shrug or pretend I didn’t hear their question. It works most of the time, because they would eventually dropped the question.
Sometimes leaving me alone is great, but at the same it’s a risk would you be wiling to take? Because damn right I will be down the depression hole again. There’s no escaping it. But I can push myself and live with it.
0 notes
Text
Journal Log #27
3:57pm - Office
It seems someone needs a class of anger management.
Me.
But still, even though everyone is demotivated to do anything, right now it’s really hard to get supporters going on when it resolves with not only one person working on it.
It’s exhausting.
But I can’t help but not to blame them. It’s not their job either. It’s fun when you got the client, but it isn’t fun to do the jobs that nobody expect much and yet expect much yet.
It’s pretty much bullshit to me. It’s just sad
0 notes
Text
Journal Log #26
1:04am - Home
Hello old friend, it’s been awhile since we’ve last spoken. I’m not sure if any of my followers are even reading my logs.
If you do, then I will congratulate you for being patient with me for all these weeks or months that I have yet to update on you on anything.
It’s been such a tough week and months. There’s the up and down rollercoaster ride of life as they say. But it isn’t easier when you’ve made your work life as part of your life.
For some of you, you may not know who I really am, and some may do. (because I’ve asked them to follow this blog because that’s how I feel, and I intend not to share anything on Facebook. Although I keep doing it on Snapchat)
I am back again to release my fears, my weakness and my tension with anxiety on the blog again. I feel like I’m talking to someone I may not. Maybe myself. Little did I know.
This seems smoothing and helping in many ways. Sometimes when you’ve talked to much to your closest friend, they can get bored with the topic that you’ve been talking, every single day. I guess my brain have the rights to speak for itself and needed a space to cool down. Tumblr is the good place.
I’m going off topic again as I have always been doing in real life. Let’s get back to the point that I would like to vent out. Maybe someone, maybe you, could help me ease my pain.
There’s a few times that I doubted myself why do I keep staying in the same company that loves to take advantage on people who are feeling less appreciated of themselves and some of us who really can’t so “no” to certain projects. I have been going back and forth with the pros and cons and I just couldn’t bring myself to leave. The many reasons are the part that it literally have taken half of my life into it. I have decided that working is part of my life and nothing else.
Comfort zone is also another reason why I’ve been staying for so long. I am aware that once I’m in the comfort zone there is no way of bringing me back out to the wild. It’s harder. Especially when your gender is being judge at every corner. It’s harder when your religion stated that what you’re doing is a sin. Restriction is always harder. I have come to terms that I am in total tolerance of what’s going on and what’s going to happen. History repeats itself as they say. And no one would learn from it until it’s too late to retreat.
I have blame myself every single day that those who didn’t learn enough in their internship and those who were suppose to be permanent have turned into something they are despair of. I’ve felt I could have done more than just a smaller scale something.
I’m out of breathe. Things just keep moving fast and nothing is set. Yet we’re like headless chicken learning new things, but learning new things isn’t what will be the solution to all.
It will be my 4th year in this company. And I haven’t done much. I’ve realise my ex-colleagues have done more in their life and more things in their portfolio. I’m slowly realising, I have none. I’m blaming for everything that I have yet to update to anyone. I will to keep it to myself and because I know how stressful and busy we are, things tends to be unheard from me of all times.
I’ve always wonder what would happen if I ever got into an accident or even a suicidal event, would things have gone wrong or right? It’s been so long as I have not been this depress, as I’ve always tried to keep things positive. But I’m tired. When things just getting better or I’m being too generous of keeping things positive, there is a downfall. A downfall that I can’t hit the break too fast.
And until this day. I have always thought that I could move on with what I never could have. But I know, my heart and brain, once their set to a point or an objective, it’s hard to turn things away. This is speaking of a manner that, I could never move on after liking her.
And until this day, I was never a leader. I may have the leadership skills, but when things are anchor down on responsibility, I can’t. You’ve mentioned 3 years I’ve been with this company, yet have you not known that I could have an anxiety attack at times when things just went haywire? Well, you should have. If you want people to connect you, you’ve gotta understand what’s going in their heads. Why haven’t they’ve spoken to you in years when you’ve never did spoken to yourself.
And until this day. I still don’t have the courage to leave.
I keep saying I’m running out of options, and oh how my life has been miserable just cause I’ve swallowed part of my work life into my life... It does felt useless at some point, but sometimes, you just gotta feel the miserable feelings in you so you can stand up again.
But I know, that’s bullshit.
0 notes
Text
Journal Log #25
12:05am - Home
It’s been a few weeks since my last episode on a chronic stress panic breakdown. If my life was a TV series, that would be the episode of that day.
I was in control. I could feel it. I know I was.
Adderall Scene (Kernal Panic), from Mr. Robot, is what I’m experiencing. Not high on drugs. Nothing was taken. Just water, some sugar beverages.
But I know. I know myself damn well. I’ll get back in control. I’ll get back into ego-ness. Thinking I’m way high above the rest. I’m thinking I could be powerful. I’m thinking I could do so much and be in control of everyone.
Time is running out. The feeling of escaping depression and such.
And it did.
I didn’t get to hit the brakes before it actually happened itself.
Shit.
I’m back on track. I’m back on toning down my wackyness.
I’ve shouldn’t have said anything. My soleness of egoistic is back. And I know, I will hurt you.
0 notes
Video
youtube
Journal Log #24
11:56pm - Home
When a computer gets hit with a kernel panic, there's only so much you can do.
An internal fatal error is hard to recover from. I mean, listen to that: internal fatal error.
Sounds pretty f*cking bad, you ask me.
0 notes
Text
Journal Log #23
12:53am - Home
2 days ago scene:
A girl walks into the frame.
It’s another day at the office. She walks in the office and went upstairs as the creatives are sitting at their own table.
“Good morning,” she said.
“Morning Sophie!” exclaimed Mark.
She went up to her sitting, which is the opposite of Mark’s sitting. She went to put her things down and said, “Why is there such a sweet smell scent?”
Mark look around the table and shrug.
“I don’t know. Maybe it’s you.” said Mark with a shy laugh.
Sophie took a moment to digest the answer and laughed. “Okayyyyy.” she said.
-
End scene
That is the most smoothest I’ve ever experienced.
0 notes