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10
Ten years ago today, I attempted to commit suicide in the washroom of my elementary school. Luckily, I was saved by my best friend who stopped me right in the act. I was 12.
To be honest, there are days where I wish I had gone through it. And those days are the hardest and the darkest. They exorcise every thought, goal, and dream that radiates positivity. And at the end of every one of those days, they leave you with nothing but the echoes of a hollow core and a stream of never ending tears.
It is a haunting memory.
I wish I could have told you, my 12 year old self, that it doesn’t get better. It doesn’t get better, right away.
I wish I could have told you that you'd meet great people along the way that are willing to help you overcome life’s hurdles. But please don’t push them away.
I wish I could have told you that people leave. They all leave. But you’ll be okay. People are blessings and lessons in disguise.
I wish I could have told you that you'd achieve great things. Please don’t let the dark days win.
I wish I could have told you this before you walked down those halls. Maybe you would be stronger today.
But I continuously pray, or atleast try, that one day I will gain the strength to overcome this agonizing memory. A memory that has dwelled in my heart for so long. A memory that has crippled my soul for so long. A memory that has caused so many internal battles.
I pray that we find peace.
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Caught
This post is part of a photo-journal project called Park Series
Lately I’ve been caught in my emotions. They often get the best of me.
But steady and cautious, I make sure they go unnoticed.
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Somewhere, out there
This post is part of a photo-journal project called Park Series
A lot has changed in 3 years.
I wish you never left.
But I am assured that you are always with me,
with a much better view.
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Leave me alone!
This post is part of a photo-journal project called Park Series
The bike path is probably my favourite part of the park near my home. I usually use that path to think and most of the time, overthink lol.
But my train of thought was abruptly stopped by a yelling toddler.
“Leave me alone!”
Fatigued, the parents watched their boy run down the path as he was grunting to himself. Seemed like it was time to go home, but the boy wasn’t ready.
He ran far down the path but looked back to realize that he was way too far. He looked around, but he was alone and he no longer recognized his surroundings.
This year, I ran a bit too far. Figuratively, of course.
This year, I pushed a lot of people away.. I told a lot of people to leave me alone.
But I guess it’s time to run back now, huh
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One Day
This post is part of a photo-journal project called Park Series
I stepped out of the playground and walked towards the baseball field. Spectators were on their feet as the players came out of the field and it seemed like I missed a pretty good game. As I lifted my camera to capture a glorious moment, I heard:
“Dude, one day.”
Two young boys on their bikes watched the crowd celebrate. After a few sighs and glances back at the field they biked off in laughter.
After witnessing that dramatic reflection, it made me realized how much hope they still had in their potential dreams.
Three words.
Three simple words.
Three reassuring words.
There’s always something refreshing about encountering young people. They always seem to put complicated situations into simpler terms. Which is funny, because it’s usually the other way around.
Today, as funny as it may seem, these kids reminded me to have hope. Whatever tiny bit of hope thats still in you, hold on to it and let it lead you.
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Monkey Bars
The following posts are part of a photo-journal project called Park Series
Today I went for a stroll to our neighbourhood park. I’m not too sure what got me to leave the house today, especially with the excruciating heat, but I did with nothing but my camera, cellphone and water bottle.
I have a tendency to just walk out with my camera and just capture whatever seems pleasing to me. Unimpressed and uninspired, I decided to just walk around. Since I left my earphones at home, I was more aware of my surroundings, especially since it was particularly crowded today.
“Right now, just focus on what’s in front of you!”
This is what a mother told her child as she was teaching her how to conquer the monkey bars. The child was so eager to reach the end that she would skip bars to get to the other end as fast as possible. But she fell every single time after failing to catch a grip on the few first bars.
“Right now, just focus on what’s in front of you!”
Oh how timely.
Lately, I’ve been setting way too many goals for myself. Long-term, short-term.
And I just want to get there. I feel so rushed and stressed and just like that little girl, I fall constantly on my way there. I seem to constantly forget that there is a process. There’s always a process.
Maybe because the process makes it real?
I don’t know.
But I do know that I have a goal and right now, I need to focus on what’s in front of me to get there.
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Let Faith and Joy collide
I’ve been back home for officially a month now. Til this day, I still can’t believe what I was privileged to experience. As I try to recount every single day of my month long stay in the Philippines, I am reminded of how gracious the Lord has been to me and my family. Through every tear, every laugh, every wound, every smile.. the Lord has allowed me to feel His presence in every experience.
Before leaving for the Philippines, I carried a heavy heart, much heavier than all my luggages combined. I was so anxious. I was so anxious because I knew God had something going on for me. But what? Our God is soo good at surprises and I, on the other hand, am often not too receptive. I began to constantly analyze each experience, trying to link it to certain aspects of my life. I would constantly question His motives and try to decipher His messages.
But in the end, all God wanted for me was to feel and to live freely. As much as I overthink a lot, God truly just wanted to pamper me with love, to let my guard down and to let myself be surprised. He wanted me to leave my sorrows, my anxiety, my fears and just trust Him.
I’d like to think that this was being revealed to me in three different ways: through food, prayer, and love.
Eat
Wake up. Breakfast. Snack. Lunch. Snack. Supper. Snack. Sleep. Of course, you’d want to add the daily activities but essentially that seems to be the daily eating routine in the Philippines. Non-stop eating. Even when you’re not even hungry! But refusing a meal is not an option in a Filipino family, so you have no choice but to eat. Don’t get me wrong, Filipino food is the bomb.com pero sometimes… ayoko na.
But as much as I found it tiring to constantly eat, one thing strucked me during my final days in the Philippines: how blessed I am to have shared each meal with my family. The food was always delicious, but what I truly savoured was being able to start each meal with a prayer. Food always brings people together, but being united in prayer, in the presence of God is much more beautiful, and brought me so much joy! Praise God.
Pray
As a Catholic, I was excited to experience Holy Week in the Philippines. I was excited to feel the true spirit of Holy week, especially coming from a province like Quebec. I wanted to experience every Filipino-Catholic tradition. I’ve always been fascinated by stories told by elders and I wanted to deepen my faith in that same unique way.
But I didn’t. I didn’t get to experience the traditions. During my 33-day trip, I’ve only been to a Mass in a church.. once. And this fact bugged me a lot during my trip. I was missing my Sundates. But truth is, this only pushed me to pray more and harder to keep me spiritually in tune with the Lord. I believe this was to teach me not to pray only when I’m in need or in fear, but to continually learn to converse with God. Shout out to Mama Mary, she never fails to cover me with her mantel of love and protection during my travels, as I joyfully pray the Rosary.
Love
One of the challenges I gave myself before leaving for the Philippines was to find the good in each person I encountered. To find the God in them. Though it was hard at times, it wasn’t impossible. If God is love and if God is found in each one of of our hearts, then ultimately we become temples of love. In each person I met, love was present. God was present. Present in every smile, hurt, high five, tear and laugh. Even if I wasn’t able to meet God through the Holy Eucharist, I was able to encounter God, EVERYDAY, through each person I was blessed to meet. It’s through them that I felt the Love and felt loved, each and every day. Lord, how beautiful is Your dwelling place!
I am thankful for every person who took the time to know me, love me and pray for me. I can’t believe I almost missed the best trip of my life.
Thank You!
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Lost and Found
Today, I lied. I told everyone that I finished at 5pm, when I actually finished at 2pm. The lie wasn't necessary, but I did it anyways. Forgive me.
For awhile now, I've been carrying this really heavy feeling in my chest. A feeling mixed with fear, anxiety, sadness and incertitude. So after work, I decided to do what I always do whenever I feel this way; hop on a random bus until I don't know where I am anymore, and walk until I find my way- without the use of Google maps.
And that's exactly what I did. I was somewhere in the East end, with my head down, not paying attention to any of the street signs, hoping to walk out the heaviness of my heart and the loudness of my thoughts. Figuratively and literally, I was so lost. My surroundings were so unfamiliar to me. At this point I wasn't listening to my music anymore, but I began to walk to the beat of a fast-paced song.
After many turns, I heard cars and I figured I was reaching a busy/main street. As I reached the main street which happened to be St-Hubert, I was faced with a great surprise.
Paroisse catholique Ste-Thérèse de L'Enfant Jésus (St-Hubert/Mistral)
"What are you looking for?" "Que cherchez-vous?"
I stood in front of this parish in awe.. and in tears. I have never heard of this church but I felt so relieved and at ease. I spent the whole day trying to run away from my demons, that I forgot to turn to God first and ask Him to cast them away for me.
But God found me exactly where I was. And in that moment, he stilled my fickled heart.
Moments like these remind me of how Great our God is but also how little of a chance I give Him to work in my life.
But It is an ongoing process.. slowly, but surely.
ps. I travel cautiously and always let friends know where I'm going
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