stuck

2020 simultaneously felt like the longest and fastest year I had had. It felt like too many things were happening all at once but at the same time nothing really happened. 

2019 ended with me feeling like I finally had the confidence and the energy to open myself up to other people and experiences, but now I feel like I’m just back to where I was before college started. I feel stuck. And I guess that’s what 2020 felt like for me, I felt stuck despite the fact that everything but nothing was happening all at once. 

i miss:

mcdo mornings – the same playlist every morning,  breakfast combo F (hashbrown, cheesy eggdesal, coffee upgraded to iced), cramming, waiting for my friends, doing requirements, the list goes on. 

in between class “breaks” spent at satellite/FH hallways/FH lobby with friends – either ga chikka/libak lang, exchanging answers sa quizzes, studying(?), eating, making reqs, copying homework and stuff, etc. and idk if it fits under this but i also rly miss using my elevator pass HAHAHA 

believe it or not, studying. and genuinely learning bc i love this course and all the things I learn from it, honestly. i loved all the random medical related new things I would learn knowing that i’d be able to apply them in the future. and making notes, most especially, because not only was it therapeutic (for me), I liked the idea of providing notes for other people and helping them out?? wow who is she 

all the free time and after school time spent at tea o’clock, sarge, split pour, tangkal and everything that comes with it 

going on duty – and along with that, my NC RLE group. duty was just more bearable and enjoyable with this specific group of people, that it hardly felt like a chore or a requirement. aside from that, I enjoyed being able to practice my future profession 

the feeling of having routine – waking up early, having deadlines, requirements, writing the things i have to do in my planner, arranging my bag, making lists and lists and lists, doing more or less the same thing everyday, or rather, actually having a sense of purpose amidst the chaos and hectic days

having an excuse to go to coffee shops: to study HAHAHAH – I honestly study better and focus better outside my house despite some coffee shops being really loud and busy. also the new office :( my favorite branch is closed now tho :(

the commute/travelling within the city – not just back and forth from my house but also to duty, to malls, to friend’s houses. i actually really miss riding public transportation?? 

going out with my family - breakfast/lunch/dinner outs, having coffee and/or dessert, watching movies, going to the mall, buying stuff huhu. going out with my fam is a consistent part of my life and I miss it and all the food, coffee, dessert and movies that come with it 

my essentials - eyebrows, hair cream, wipes, highlighters (although I use them at home rn, its not the same!!), pei pa kua, post its, hair gel (for duty), all the random things in my bag that are not necessary but I simply need to carry around with me

i feel like i miss my friends the most - both the ones i made in college and those from high school. i’ve only really acknowledged the fact that mingawunon kaayo ko. recently, my dreams were of my friends and my family and I hanging out and catching up and it’s :< making :< me :< very :< sad (hehe kapoyan kog expound and i dont want to sound too clingy but bottom line is i miss my friends so much)

SAOIRSE RONAN AND TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET AS JO AND LAURIE IN LITTLE WOMEN          The worst fate is to live my life without you in it.

long post ahead

Today marks my 20th day of staying at home since my city has declared Community Quarantine in response to the spread of COVID-19 in the country. To be honest, I’ve been enjoying staying at home.Because of all the time on my hands, I had been able to allow myself to do the things I’ve been meaning to do but haven’t because of school, or because I deemed I didn’t have enough time/energy/focus for it. 

I had found a way to keep myself busy the past 20 days:  

cooking (-ish, i don’t exactly cook cook, but I have been able to spend more time in the kitchen)

eating healthily (I have to admit my daily intake isn’t even close to ideal, and it’s a known fact to my friends/family that i’m a very very picky eater, which is why really I’m proud to say that I had been trying - my very best - to eat more food that would be healthy for my body.)

watching tv series and movies (during school time, I prefer not to start on a series that I would likely not be able to focus my attention to or would likely distract me from the tasks I should be prioritizing. I find it hard to focus when I know I should be doing something more important first e.g. school work, duty reqs, or simply studying; which is why I’ve only found the time to do this now)

reading (I’ve probably posted more than once about how I miss being able to read freely and for long periods of time without having to worry about all the other responsibilities I have, which is why this period is the perfect time to finally be able to read something other than nursing books again)

needlework - crochet, cross stitch, embroidery (if you’ve known me since grade school, you’ll know how engaged I was with needlework back then and into early high school; but for some reason, I had stopped doing somewhere in the middle of junior high school and since senior high, I had been meaning to get back into it again because for one, I missed it - it was peaceful and therapeutic and stress relieving and it gave you something to focus your energy and attention to; second, it reminded me so much of Nanay, it was one of the things she had taught me back then and something we would bond over and I liked that doing it again makes me miss her in a good way) 

working out!! (this is probably one of my proudest achievements during this stay-at-home-time not only because I’m known to be very lazy when it comes to physical fitness and any and all related activities [I made sure to make my way out of having to do high school PE, a story for another post i guess, which is why I have never participated in a proper PE class until I was in college], but also because despite my body aching, badly, from it, I’m actually having fun??? +++ I do it with everyone in the  family which makes it more enjoyable)

learning how to drive (I literally had my student permit since I was 17 but had only started learning how to drive now, which I am slightly embarrassed about. the real reason why I hadn’t been able to learn earlier was because my parents believed it was better for me to learn and master driving a manual car first before settling into driving an automatic one, and our manual car had only been recently fixed [about 6-10 months ago]. on the other hand, by the time the car was fixed, I was too busy and tired with school and duty that I opted to use my time on school stuff or to rest during sundays [my father worked on weekdays and I had saturday classes, so he could only teach me on sundays]; my progress has been slow since I only started 3 days ago but I’m really glad that I’m learning na)

learned more songs on the kalimba (I learned Maybe the Night, Here Comes the Sun, How Deep is Your Love, etc. but I have yet to master them heheheheheheheh)

doing household chores (to be honest, doing household chores is actually therapeutic and I additionally enjoy doing them now that I’m not time-restrained and I don’t have to worry about neglecting school-related responsibilities. the smol oc part of me enjoys all the cleaning to be honest)

the biggest takeaway from this is that my family has been spending a lot of time together and it’s been really fun and sometimes it makes me soft thinking that (although, no offense, compared to other families, we spend time, go out, have fun more often than others) we hardly get to spend time like this and do activities for long periods of time without me interrupting that I still have homework or studying to do or without my mom worrying about the business and etc. In the last 20 days, we had cooked, binged tv shows, played board games, worked out together, and had even moved all the mattresses from our bedrooms into the living room floor and we’ve all been sleeping there for a week now because it was easier for us to watch movies together. 

Despite my being perfectly content with having to stay inside for long periods of time, being active on social media and reading current news daily has truly put things in perspective for me. 

For the longest time, I had chosen to ignore engaging myself in political discourse with other people simply because I didn’t have much to say - I knew very little and basic information about what was going on in the Philippine government and had never bothered to learn more. In high school, I was not very invested in trying to figure out and understand how politics worked. I found it boring and uninteresting and frankly, I had found it better not exhaust myself trying to argue about something I did not properly understand and I left it at that for years. 

Because of the response of the government to this pandemic, the shortage of health workers in the country, and everything else happening in between, I have arrived at quite a few thoughts: 

At first, I honestly found it annoying that people kept going out and disobeying quarantine rules. It was only later on that I had realized that I was speaking from a position of privilege. Because of all the discourse online regarding that topic, it was only then that I had realized just how blessed I was to be enjoying community quarantine - to be able to stay at home with my needs provided for and not having to worry about my safety, my health, and my finances. I found it unsettling, that I was not able to think of the millions of other people out there who were struggling amidst the current situation, that I was so focused on myself and the people I knew that I completely forgot to look at the bigger picture. 

Moreover, it was more unsettling to realize that the government was doing visibly minuscule if not irrational and unjust responses to combat the situation and ones without clear compassion for the general public and for the greatly impoverished. It was frustrating to think that from my position, I could only do so little.

On the other hand, what frustrated and bothered me more was that there still are a handful of people who continually dismiss and/or condone the actions made and orders mandated by the government and are too close-minded and apathetic to understand what exactly the general public is demanding for and enraged about. 

To add to my frustration, I find (present tense) it hard to voice my opinions. I am afraid of having to engage in full-on active arguments with strangers, with people opposing the general public’s unanimous views even though I know in my heart that I can and that my stand is valid and important. Perhaps I am not used to debating and fighting for what I believe in, or perhaps I find it exhausting to aimlessly argue with people who have their minds set on one thing. But for now, I merely repost and retweet the things I support and find relevant -  just to let people know where I stand among all of this. I cannot bring myself to voice out entire full-length opinions and to be so out there yet, but I would like to try to voice out my concerns more effectively in the near future. 

For now, I truly hope for more assistance to be carried out for the marginalized and less fortunate - for those without a steady income due to the community quarantine; I hope for more deserved compensation for all the frontliners, for the implementation of mass testing and to abolish the prioritizing of government officials in this process as well as for the government to adopt and embody the responses and values of notable local governments in the country such as Iloilo and Pasig, instead of seeing these as threats to the presidency. Seeing everyone actively engaged in the current issues the country is facing is empowering and inspiring and I’m hoping more people follow suit, in order to send a powerful message to the government. 

I apologize (but not really?) for the long post AHASHASB my mom has been trying to wake us all up early in the morning for the 2nd day in a row now and I have all this ~peace and quiet and calm to myself and I’ve been thinking about a lot - just trying to get these thoughts into writing so it doesn’t feel so heavy. I hope everyone else is finding a means to keep themselves busy and to help in the ways that they can and I pray pray pray that all this will end soon.. Hoping for better days :) char

stuck at home

I know it’s been the longest time since my last post and frankly, I’m tired of trying to explain how busy I am or making up excuses for not having been able to post - bc like who reads my blog anyway hahahahahha

Due to the Corona Virus Pandemic and the increasing number of people testing positive in our country and my city, class has been suspended (both the university I go to and my brothers’ school, as well as other schools within the city and in other parts of the country) and the government has issued mandatory community quarantine - compelling all of us to stay at home. 

Yesterday marked the family’s first day of staying at home the entire day. All of us were home and idk but it was pretty chaotic but also calming to know that all of us were home for the first time in a really long time. 

I made notes for school, since, as of yesterday, exams were still postponed and no further announcements had been made regarding finals; so I thought it made sense to continue studying so I don’t feel guilty about all the free time I had. We also collectively cleaned the house. A lot of boxes and other things still weren’t cleaned out and organized since we moved late last month and this house arrest finally gave us the time to “semi-general clean” this tempo house. 

Mommy cooked her spaghetti with white sauce yesterday for dinner and my grandparents came over. It was refreshing to have all of us eat dinner together at home on a weekend instead of outside at a mall. Afterwards, I persuaded my grandfather to create a netflix account for the entire family (hehe my persuasion skills are still top notch ;p) and we watched A Wrinkle in Time together. It was nice. What’s sad is that it took a virus epidemic for the family to spend wholesome family bonding like these - which I’m sure holds true to other families affected by this quarantine as well. 

Truly, despite the widespread fear, panic, and uncertainty presently, this event allowed each of us to pause and reflect or rethink our individual lives, the current reality that the world is facing, as well as what more we could do individually and collectively, as a nation and as a community to save humanity. 

(very char ending for this post but rly, if you think abt it, all this free time being spent at home has rly given me the opportunity to realign my goals and the things I want to do hehe)

2019:  A Year in Review

2019 was a challenge, but nonetheless a year of growth.

I faced the anxiety of being put in a class of people about 90% of which I did not know or aren’t friends with. And to be honest, making new friends, establishing new relationships and adjusting to a new environment with new people – was an experience I am most proud of conquering. Although I have not fully put myself out there in terms of making new friendships and socializing with other people, I believe that this year was a good start for me. Being surrounded by and working with people I am unfamiliar with may be one of my biggest anxieties and challenges of 2019. As someone who enjoys the company of few to little trusted people I am comfortable with and as someone who gets extremely worried over thinking about having to socialize and interact with new people, I am proud to say that I was able to survive this shift in my life and have gained new friendships I don’t totally regret making.

I always put myself under the pressure of having the need to do well and I felt it a necessity to organize and align my responsibilities efficiently. This year, although there were a number of days that I had unavoidably gone off track – experiencing feelings of disappointment over myself, breaking down due to the stresses placed by school, feeling generally lazy and not good enough – I believe that I had powered through the year without much regret with regards to the effort and hard work I had put it, academically speaking. Dividing one’s time over schoolwork (which was 31 units!!), including lectures, assignments, studying, projects, duty days twice weekly, and maintaining grades I deemed appropriate, with spending time with one’s family, friends and loved ones, as well as *trying to* stay physically and mentally healthy and allocating time for myself to keep me sane – it’s been a pretty hectic year for me. I was able to successfully finish my first year of Nursing and was fielded for the very first time as a student nurse now in my second year.

Being exposed to the Philippine hospital setting was eye-opening. I got to experience firsthand the gravity of the Philippine health care situation – multiple patients occupying a single bed, taking hours of lining up in order to get checked up, more patients to nurses ratio, and so many more inadequacies I cannot begin to explain. Seeing this setting only makes me want to do better and do more in order to pursue my dreams – in order for me to give back and work/serve to make this situation better in my own little ways soon, once I get that RN, MD after my name.

Although I have admittedly shied away from leadership roles, school organizations, and all the other things I would have actively participated in back when I was still in high school, I had only little regrets. With such, I was able to allot more time for myself and my growth. I can’t say I didn’t miss being active in school activities, but I can also say that I enjoyed the peace and free time I had that could have otherwise been devoted to such.  

This year I learned to prioritize my responsibilities and allocate time for them accordingly. Even though I had already been doing this for the past years, I think that this year, I was able to do so more effectively. Being a Nursing student has truly taught me to manage my time appropriately. Although I can personally say that for the most part of the year, I felt very exhausted – it was the worthwhile and fulfilling and right kind of exhausted in the sense that I felt that this is what I truly wanted to be doing and this is what I was meant to be doing. Moreover, I learned to acknowledge and validate other people and their struggles and feelings. Not everybody was facing the same stuff as I was and different people had different perspectives from mine, and I had to deal with that. One should not force one’s beliefs and principles upon other people and just because people differ in those, does not mean that yours or theirs is better or worse than the other. I learned to make do with what I had and with what time I had left. I learned not to force myself unto people who did not want to reciprocate the kind of energy I gave them – and that was okay. I learned that sometimes people grow apart and that sometimes, there was nothing more you could do to save the friendship. Some people walk into your life and you realize just how much more meaningful they may be to you compared to people you met earlier in life. But that doesn’t mean that you forget the friendships you forged and fostered in the past because they were still a part of what made you who you are today.

Most importantly, this year, I had come to acknowledge my own growth. I am extremely grateful for all the people stood by me and were key presences in my struggles and triumphs this year, without whom I would not be who I am today. I aim to do more and put myself out there more in the next year, to be able to fully rise to my potential this 2020, and to utilize my skills and determination for better, bigger opportunities.

I’m excited for what the start of a new decade has in store for me, 2020 come through!! Here’s to more breakdowns turned breakthroughs <3

Some days are worse than the others and some days are far better than most. Despite the words we throw at each other when we’re angry or tired when we fight, at the end of the day, it’s still you. 

it’s the week before finals and i am sick and i am exhausted and i am crying and i have zero energy left and i feel like i have no one 

I hope there are days when your coffee tastes like magic, your playlist makes you dance, strangers make you smile, and the night sky touches your soul. I hope you fall in love with being alive again.

ily

Some days, I get tired too. And I’m sorry I can’t adjust on all the days. I would do anything for you, I do my absolute best to be there for you and to understand you and to be the bigger person and to give the most of myself when you need me. I’m so soft for you and you know that and you know you have me. It’s just that some days I only have little to give because I don’t have anything left in me and I hope that you see that. Some days, I get tired too and I’m sorry for not being there 100%.

Getting your shit together requires a level of honesty you can’t even imagine. There’s nothing easy about realizing you’re the one that’s been holding you back this whole time.

Jayde (via deeplifequotes)

His hand is firm and warm, and somehow, big as it is, it fits with mine.

to more bright colored days with you.

b r i g h t   o r a n g e

I have been stood up since Friday not only by my family but also my old high school friends and I’m the type of person who would get really affected by something like this and the type of person who will endlessly brood over why why why.

I went out today. And it was spontaneous in a way that we didn’t exactly plan what to do, we just planned to meet up. And it was really fun. It’s been a long time since I went out to a friend’s house to spend the entire day just hanging out and having fun and not worrying about and being stressed about academics and responsibilities and it made me really happy. I miss the old days when life was simpler with fewer things to get anxious over. 

I’ve had blue-black-blue green days to end my January and I’m glad to say today was a bright orange. I need more yellow-bright orange days this month to keep me sane. 

This is me uncontrollably crying at 3am because I was on tumblr and I randomly remembered the virtual scrapbook that was made for me and so I went and browsed through it.

Sometimes, the people that you love and the people that you trust the most will disappoint you. But that doesn’t mean that they don’t love you, or that they’ve stopped loving you. It only evidences their being human, their being imperfect and flawed. And we shouldn’t hold their mistakes against them because sometimes, these actions get in the way of the right intentions. Mistakes and disappointments and not getting what you expect or want is inevitable and some days, we just have to live with that. Some days, there’s just nothing we can do about them but to accept them, to understand them, and move on - to free your heart from anger and dismay in order to make room for the better things and the better days in life.