schittyfic
schittyfic
*walks into fandom 5 months after the show ends with a caramel latte and armfuls of smut*
alison | 25 | she/her | UK
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Do you think your family would appreciate knowing you write smut all day long and also encourage others to write it? Mmm. Doubtful, bitch.
Oh, hey! You’re back!
Your ongoing obsession with how I spend my time is absolutely fascinating. It also leads me to wonder what exactly you’re doing with your time. But you wanted to talk about me, so let’s focus.
There’s just so much to unpack here, I kind of don’t know where to begin.
First, the whole “shame on you” tone is just an odd choice, because clearly you’re familiar with the smut that I - and others - write, which would make you guilty as well.
Second, who are you to say my family doesn’t know? I know plenty of writers whose partners/families are very encouraging of their creative endeavors. I know just as many who have decided to keep their writing for themselves. Both options are totally valid and I support them, no matter which side I'm on.
Third, “all day long” just makes me laugh. I have ADHD, I can’t do anything for an entire day. Plus, there’s that whole work thing that really cuts into my smut-writing time.
Additionally, out of the 59 fics I have posted, only 13 of them are rated E. That’s 22%. Less than a quarter of what I write is smut. If you’re going to try to come for me, at least check your facts first.
I encourage everyone to write what makes them happy. (Unless, of course, what makes you happy is anon hate, in which case I suggest you start writing in a journal to show your much-needed therapist.)
Fandoms love smut. There is not a damn thing wrong with reading/writing/enjoying explicit material. Erotica is a legit, recognized genre and more than that, it’s really fucking (ha!) fun. But again, I don’t have to tell you that, since you’re obviously reading it.
You want to come on here and try to make me feel bad for .. what? Being creative? Supporting of other writers?
Do you think your family would appreciate knowing you’re a coward who hides behind "anonymity" to spend all day being hateful to people online?
I feel confident saying that I’m not the person who’s wasting their time on the internet.
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The farm witches would like to wish a fantastic Friday to everyone, but especially our favorite married couple who are celebrating their (mumblety) wedding anniversary today! Congrats on your ongoing love for one another, David and Patrick!
In honor of their nuptials, it just feels right to have a collection of all David and Patrick fic recs today. Leave the creators some comments/kudos if you love them!
Breakfast (@hatepotion) *ART* “A sweet, domestic morning for our favorite husbands.”
Can we always be this close? (patrickbrewer) “A soft 601 coda where David reflects on all the ways his time in Schitt’s Creek has changed his life for the better.”
Cluckin’ Around (walnuts_and_berries) “David and Patrick raise chickens together in this adorable window into post-canon life!”
Home, sweet home (poutini) “There’s only one thing to do when David and Patrick move into their new house. And they’re gonna do it in every single room.”
Make it better (agoodpersonrose) “This is a gorgeous 5+1 from Marcy’s POV. David and Patrick visit the Brewers as husbands for the first time since Patrick left. We get glimpses of the things about Patrick that have changed and stayed the same since he left, through Marcy’s eyes.”
————-
FROM THE HEARTH
We know David is still a little disappointed he didn’t get the wood-fired pizza he was dreaming of on his wedding day. But we also know that Patrick has made it up to him many times over.
We’re not sure how well this particular attempt went over with David, but we love that it’s just Patrick’s style.
Keep reading
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Hello!! Looking for fics in that time of David and Patrick's life pre Patrick's apartment where they probably would have used the storeroom at RA to hook up after work (or during, we aren't that silly). Send me any and all of your favorite store room hook up fics please!
Appreciate your work. Always love having more fic recs!!
Ta!
Hello, you!
We know those boys were hooking up back there on the reg, they weren't fooling anyone. There are many fics that mention storeroom sexytimes, but we chose some fics for you that focus specifically on the workplace getdown.
Baby blues - @schittyfic
A beard in the hand - @delilah-mcmuffin
Behind the curtain - @blackandwhiteandrose
Have you got colour in your cheeks? - BatKate
Like a slow fire burn - Bigficenergy (@fraudulentzodiac)
Sometimes when we touch - @delilah-mcmuffin
Tea on Tuesday - olivebranchesandredwine
Thanks for your support!
#omgggg#it me#with a storeroom hookup featuring SURPRISE patrick wears panties#fic rec#that bigficenergy one.....holy fuuuuuck#thank you witches!!
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Do you have any good light-hearted recs? I've been reading too much angst and need a break.
Thank you, you are all awesome!
Oh, the angst. It hurts so good. We love it, too, but some times you just have to give your tear ducts a break and read something that will make you smile.
We'd like to suggest you give these a try.
All the other boys try to chase me - @designatedgrape
Can’t conceal it - @fishyspots
Checkin’ you out - houdini74 (@mostlyinthemorning)
Creative freedom - @delilah-mcmuffin
Darling, je vous aime beaucoup - high-seas-swan (@noahreids)
Fade to grey - @schittyfic
Fall off a bridge, please - @hagface
First of many - @blackandwhiteandrose
If I lay here - alldaydream (@maybewecandreamalittle)
If you could see the other side of me - @yourbuttervoicedbeau
It feels like a dream when you love me tenderly - wanderhomeagain
Light up my world - @dessertwaffles
Like waves in the water - @davidbrewer
A little too corporate for my brand - @dinnfameron
Love without sacrifice - beanierose
Never again - @lastchancecafe13
A new day has come - @lisamc-21
Ovadia & Sons - falconeggs (@focksii)
Putting my roots in dreamland - @lilythesilly
Roses and tide - fairmanor
Scavenger hunt - @resilientrose
The windows to the soul - @agoodpersonrose
You got me breathing sunshine - seadeepy (@oceangenasi)
#!!! im super proud of that little fic!#thank you mysterious witches#fic rec#god so many i need to read
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I've been in the fandom for a little bit but have really only read fics from a couple of people that I know. You all seem to read a little bit of everything so what would you rec as your essential fandom fics for D/P?
Welcome to the fandom and to fanfic! That being said, this was an evil ask, anon. The coven has dabbled in many fandoms, collectively, and we are continuously impressed by how much truly phenomenal fic exists in the Schitt's Creek corner of A03. So this was really, really hard. And even though this list is long, it could have been so much longer. So, consider this your introduction and we've got plenty more where these came from.
We've broken them up into categories, so you can decide where to jump in first.
Canon-compliant
The Rooms Where It Happened - ahurston, blueink3, DelilahMcMuffin, thedidipickles, Distractivate, Elswherefumbling, etben (@angryonabus), High-Seas-Swan (@noahreids), ladyflowdi, MapleLeafSquareRoot, missgeevious, RhetoricalQuestions (@rhetoricalk), samwhambam, sonlali (@landofsonlali), sullymygoodname, thingswithwings, unfolded73, WellSchitt (@well-schitt)
Have You Met My Family? - TheSuperDandy
Helpless - codswallop (@codswalloping)
In Progress - nameless_bliss (@my-nameless-bliss)
The Little Things - JaneBlack
The Pleasure, The Privilege is Mine - @schittyfic
Take My Heart and Make it Strong - cartwrite
What Happened Outside - Anonymous
Wild and Wired - lettered (@letteredlettered)
Yes, There is a Chain, and No, You’re Not On It - strictlybecca
Future Fic
He Sees You - distractivate
It’s Brighter Than the Sun - wildxwired
The Love Left Behind - @DelilahMcMuffin
Slowly I Turn, or Niagra Falls - cartwrite
Sometimes Home is a Person - houdini74 @mostlyinthemorning
Watching Through Windows - helvetica_upstart
AU
All the Songs I Sing Are About You - missgeevious
Blackbird, Fly - distractivate
Bound by Symmetry - barelypink
A Fair Return - thingswithwings
Favored nations - @blueink3
Fifteen Hundred Miles - MoreHuman
For Feelings Unbound - wardo_wedidit
A Holiday Escape - @lisamc-21
How Patrick? - @madlori
I’d Swing for the Fences with You - @nontoxic (@danverses)
The Last Rose Video - @distractivate
Lies, Damned Lies, and Fake Dating - @vivianblakesunrisebay
The More You Know -likerealpeopledo (@likerealpeopledo-on-ao3)
My Gambling Days Are Gonna End Like This - whetherwoman
My Heart is Like Paper (Yours is Like a Flame) - smallumbrella (@smallumbrella369)
My Heart was Broke, My Head was Sore - @blueink3
One Star at a Time: A Survival Guide for the Reluctant Camper - cinnaluminum
Thanks for Choosing Bagged! - @dinnfameron
Sometimes Good Things Fall Apart - @blueink3
#it is literally INSANE that i am on this list omfg#THANK YOU WITCHES!!!!#fic rec#dear god what a list!
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i finished schitt’s creek a couple of days ago and i’d like to announce that i’d die for david and patrick
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Beautiful farm witches! I've been feeling a bit down, hello Virgo szn am I right?
Do you have any humor fics with david + patrick that made you laugh out loud? Love you lots!
Hello lovely, friend! We're sorry you've been feeling down. It's not just you, though, it's a hard time for everyone right now- which is why we really appreciate all of you and all the writers who continue to give us amazing fic to get lost in.
We definitely love humorous fic and we answered an ask not too long ago with some of our faves (we'll link it at the bottom) . Here are some additional fics that tickle our collective funny bones.
Close Shave - @schittyfic
David Rose vs. the Canada Geese - houdini74 (@mostlyinthemorning)
The Dog - MoreHuman
Hearts & parts - @5ambreakdown
I did that in front of you last night - @vivianblakesunrisebay
I swear I just found everything I need - @yourbuttervoicedbeau
Knock on Wood - @princess-tiger-lily
Like nice people do - houdini74 (@mostlyinthemorning)
A little too corporate for my brand - @dinnfameron
Pandora’s Box(es) - @lisamc-21
Tweets in the life - @agoodpersonrose
Want another taste, I’m begging - @yourbuttervoicedbeau
When one door closes - @schittyfic
Other fics that make us laugh
#oh my goodness#thank you kind witches!!#two of my questionable attempts at humour are featured here#fic rec#so many gems here!!!!#and some i have yet to read
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Abraham: Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?
Sampson: No, sir, I do not bite my thumb at you, sir, but I bite my thumb, sir.
-Romeo and Juliet, Act 1, Scene 1
+++++
I just thought we needed a little fun today. Happy Weekend.
Photos: Toronto Life Magazine, DL Eyewear, Erica Cloud IG, Bello Magazine, Bustle Magazine, Vanessa Heins, Matt Martin, Hudson Bay
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I was the one at the consulate sending you temporary passports and colored contact lenses whenever you needed them. I was the one at home, not having fun, because I was constantly worried which East Asian palace Alexis was being held hostage in this week. Not Mom and Dad – Me! Well, you didn’t have to worry about me. Well, I did.
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Thanks for all u do! Would you be able to rec some marital david/patrick tender smut?
The witches are learning a lot of things in coming up with recommendations for these asks, so we should really thank all of you (thank you!) for posing these questions.
The discovery on this one was - there's not nearly as much tender married smut as one might think. So, farm witch friends, there's your next writing prompt! Give us some more hot, hot (married) sex!
40? How Dare You?- @delilah-mcmuffin
All The Ways He Loves Me- @delilah-mcmuffin
Be still, my heart - @blackandwhiteandrose
Caught in the slightest wind- foxtails (@ratchet)
Grass Stains- @delilah-mcmuffin
Is your sex life alight?- pine67
Picturing Us Together- @lisamc-21
Suddenly you’re mine- railmedaddy
Termites of Endearment- @unfolded73, @vivianblakesunrisebay
this is where i love you- @schittyfic
you gently lift my chin so i can look into your eyes- @hullomoon
#omg!!! the farm witches smile upon me once more#I'm so blessed#also... I'm v proud of that fic#and it is indeed the tenderest smut i have ever written#fic rec
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Ummmmm yeah anyone who's coming for bwr can catch these tiny angry hands thanks so much. I'm genuinely sorry that you apparently don't know what it is to, like...what? Have friends? Be liked and valued and vocally appreciated by others for your creativity and support? Sad really. Sucks for you. Sending shitty messages to people on the internet won't fix that though.
Just gonna go forth and continue putting my friend's name on my goddamn everything because she's a goddamn blessing 💛
Why is your name on everyone’s goddamn everything? Do you do anything else with your life? There is more to it than this.
Oh, hey there, anon. Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule tracking who does what where to send me a(nother) message!
Since this seems to be a hot topic for you, I'm going to take a few minutes out of my day as a thriving professional individual to let you in on some of my tried-and-true tactics.
BWR'S Guide to Getting Your Name on Everyone's Goddamn Everything
1) Find something you're super into and join the fandom.
2) Be nice to fellow fans and make some friends.
3) Support your friends in their creative endeavors by:
* cheerleading their ideas
* encouraging them when they get frustrated
* brainstorm with them when they get stuck
* provide useful feedback and flails when they ask you to take a look at something
4) Sleep when you're dead because you stay up late to work on fics- your own and others - since you're busy as an Actual Working Adult during the day and you need to do something for fun/for yourself.
5) Keep an iPad in your bathroom to maximize your productivity.
I hope this helps, anon! Maybe you, too, can go find some talented friends who value your thoughts and opinions and are kind enough to thank you for your contributions to their work.
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heartstrings by @schittyfic (sixtysevenImpala)
[Patrick Brewer/David Rose, Stevie Budd & David Rose - M - 15,182]
In the wake of the Jake fiasco and still stinging from the Blouse Barn, David finds himself with far too much free time and a creative itch that needs scratching. On a whim, he decides to take beginner’s guitar lessons. Unfortunately, his tutor is extremely rude, and how dare he have such nice forearms, anyway?
An enemies-(idiots)-to-lovers fic set between 3x03 and 3x08.
#it's also me!!! the longest thing i have ever written and also definitely the most plot I've attempted#my fic
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long way round by @schittyfic (sixtysevenlmpala)
[Patrick Brewer/David Rose - T - 3,804]
“Did you, uh… walk here?”
David nods. “Mm-hm.”
“Can I give you a ride home?” Patrick asks, almost shyly. David feels just as silly, like a fucking schoolboy with a crush, glancing away from Patrick’s wide-open gaze and mumbling that he’d like that, very much.
“Great.” Patrick flashes a chipper smile. “I brought a spare helmet.”
Or: as David’s birthday dinner draws to a close, Patrick has a little surprise up his sleeve.
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patrick + flirty/sassy moments // requested by anonymous
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Look at me. Two years ago, I thought I’d have a wife and a kid at this point.
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the fact that in the truman show truman doesn’t know about the product placement is so funny. imagine you’re a coffee company and you spend thousands of dollars to have truman’s fake wife talk about how great it is and truman tries it and is like this coffee tastes like shit actually
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It’s another fine Friday here at the farm and we decided to lean into a theme this week! Hold onto your phones, friends, it’s about to get sex(t)y.
breathe (@schittyfic) *RPF* “After hosting SNL, a phone call from Noah is exactly what Dan needs to take him out of his head. Featuring a healthy dose of praise kink and a whole lot of tenderness.”
conference call (@januarium) “A must-read for fans of thirsty!Patrick and dom!David. David talks a tipsy, horny Patrick through a downright filthy threesome fantasy while he’s away at a conference.”
David Rose + text posts (@oscarspoe) *GIF SET* “This hilarious gifset captures some of David’s many quirks in text post form.”
hot sext, wrong text (@simplytheschittiest) “It’s sexy and hilarious. And an important reminder to always, always double-check who you’re sending that text to, right, David?”
low impact is still some impact (meadowharvest) “A moment of literal gay panic followed by some sexting to make everything better.”
miles to go (@reginahalliwell) “Patrick claims he’s not good at phone sex. After this experience, he might never try it again.”
religion’s in your lips (@thedidipickles) “Sometimes you just want the phone sex. So that’s what this is, hot and dirty.”
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BEVERAGE BREWS
The farm witches have been known to send an errant message or two, so today’s tasty drink for Of Age Witches is appropriately named “delete that text”.
Keep reading
#AHHHHH#the witches did phone sex recs??? AND IM ON THEM????#THIS IS A DAY OF DAYS#fic rec#i'm actually super proud of that fic it's one of my faves I've written in SC or SCRPF
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