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scalpelsculptures · 4 years

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I woke up 2am one morning in August 2011, there was one point in time where I slept as early as 5pm after school only to be awake as early as this the next day.

I sat in the living room alone, “Another day with them delusional fucktards” I told myself as I face down staring on our cream-colored table. Last year in high school isn’t as exciting as people normally romanticizes it. I’m not excited. I’m tired and I now have 3 and a half more hours until 5:30 am for me to prepare for my 7am class. I then heard some rusting sound on the other side of the door in front of me. My heart was filled with joy with what I saw when I opened it: a small furry brown puppy jumped out of its box as soon as it realizes that someone is nearby. I forgot how it felt like having a puppy as our current dog, Puti, has been with us for around 7 to 8 years.

This puppy followed me and I’ve never been more energized minutes after I’ve just woken up. I will never forget how soft and small he was. How he fell adorably whenever he failed to climb the stairs. I’m just so happy.

We eventually named him Neso (my youngest sister can’t pronounce the word Keso before, which is derived from the Spanish word Queso that means Cheese).

For the rest of that goddamn year, with all the unnecessary drama that my classmates’ pettiness brought, I have always something to look forward to at end of each day: going home to our new baby.

In Neso’s first years, we’re worried as we noticed that we haven’t actually heard him bark. He is so friendly which also made us worry about him being stolen (we once saw him held by a stranger because Neso came up to him to play), but eventually he did, and that’s when one of our family friend brought live crabs that Neso never saw and found a threat.

Having two dogs, it was pleasant to see how Neso, the younger one, tries to play with our older dog, Puti. Puti sits in peace on one part of the house, then there goes Neso randomly barking at Puti, attempting to bite Puti’s tail and then releases loud crying noises when Puti threatens him with a growl. It was safe to say that the age gap made it hard for both of them to get along, until one fateful day.

One morning we heard Neso crying. We saw Puti giving Neso a “bath” which we found odd as Puti hated being in contact with Neso. We also noticed Puti’s behavior that day. He’s unusually salivating. Thinking what might caused it, my parents gave him first aid: Sugar solution drink. Puti went out afterwards and never returned.

We searched for Puti, but it was unusual for him not to go home at the end of the day. It’s impossible that he has been impounded as he escaped all authorities’ attempt for the longest time. Wherever he was, we’re confident that he’ll go home by dusk. But he never did.

Then out of all research, we found one common result: Our dog is sick, and saved us the trouble of burying him. It was a hard pill to swallow, but we were able to accept it as years went by.

With the anxiously friendly Neso left in our home, we gave him all the love and care we could. He then grew up into a really good affectionate boy that seems to undyingly want pets and treats and rushes to welcome us whenever we arrive home.

It was all this for the next 9 years of his life.

August 12, 2020, my father’s 50th birthday, dad noticed Neso getting weak. He placed food on his bowl but Neso doesn’t seem to have enough energy to run towards it. When dad checked, he saw that Neso is covered in scars that might’ve been caused by bites of insects or parasites invisible in our eyes. Mom and dad ended up shaving Neso’s entire body to avoid further infection and to treat his wounds easily. Since Neso’s fur were shaved off, he was given an old shirt to keep him warm for the rest of the night.

The next day, Neso is given an antibacterial bath of extracted guava leaves. He turned green that day, but I thought it’s the best for him and he’ll soon be okay once the scars are healed.

August 14, Neso is undeniable getting weaker. He can no longer stand up to eat so we fed him by hand and he gladly ate whatever we handed him.

August 15, I was in shock to see Neso’s condition got worse. His scars were healed but I saw his leg flinching. Indication that something is wrong with his nerves already. He drastically lost weight that his bones felt like the’ll pierce through his skin. He can no longer eat, and I have to ask mom to buy liver, something goddamn delicious for dogs just so he would eat. My boyfriend asked me to check if his nose is dry, which is not, an indication that he has fever. Fever = infection. And seeing Neso, I know it’s going to be his last day with us.

I thought that the parasites or insect that bit him might’ve caused the infection which went through his blood and affected his nutrition that went conspicuous with his weight. Seeing how this also affected his nervous system made me felt like this is something really worse where rushing him to vet won’t help, in short: It’s too late.

After a short afternoon nap I went to check on Neso and I saw that mom is giving him cough syrup that is alright to be given to animals. I sat beside Neso. I heard him starting to breathe heavily. I felt like he’s catching his breath. His eyes all wide. His muscles immovable. I was petting him and I know it’s near. I was whispering that it’s okay and I’d understand. That I’d want him to be free from pain and all this suffering, that I love him and thanked him for all of the years that he spent with us. That he spent loving us. After just a brief amount of seconds, his breathing stopped. No more pulse. No movement on his chest that would indicate breathing. He’s no longer blinking. His tongue out from the previous breathing. He’s gone. And mom told me to stop checking. I took my hand off of him and started crying.

I never cried in front of my mom, but now I didn’t care. It was a painful sight. How the adorable puppy that made me happy ended up like this, almost skeleton and cold. But at the back of my mind I know that eventually he has to go. And if there is a spark of positivity in what happened, it’s the fact that I’m with him, beside him, holding him, in his last breath.

I closed his eyes and left. Mom will take care of his burial.

Thank you Neso for loving us. Whole 9 years of dedication and making our lives a whole lot lighter. Our memories will never be forgotten.And I’ll continue to love as much as we loved you for all the future doggos we will have.

Cheers to the goodest of the good bois, run free Neso <3

June 2011 - August 15, 2020.

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#dog #dogoftheday #dogs of tumblr #run free #doggo #love dogs #dogs #love dog #angel dog #dog angel #rainbow bridge

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scalpelsculptures · 4 years

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You know I love oranges. You bought them even if you find them expensive.

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scalpelsculptures · 4 years

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004508052020

I’ve been very enthusiastic about the free time this quarantine caused. I wanted to paint, draw portraits, take pictures, read more books. It appears that I now have all the time in the world to do everything I want. And I did. For the first few months I was happy. But the excitement faded away. I’m no longer satisfied painting, I easily got bored reading, and I tried studying in advance about complicated subjects since I recently got admitted to a med school in Manila but I thought of skipping it (the study lol) since I don’t want to burn myself out especially when the school year hasn’t started.

I figured that I might be able to do stuff when I receive my new laptop and phone, however, it only caused me to scroll longer hours online. Netflix made me guilty about the time I spent watching when I should be studying or learning things - and even guilty if I don’t use it since I pay for it lol.

I can’t wait to go back to Manila and have my own place there. As much as I’d miss my family, I need to figure things out myself. I know there are some things that the mind can simply command and force the body to execute with mere discipline, but if our soul has colors, I know I lost mine. At least for now.

I wish I can find a podcast about motivation maybe, or something that relates to the inexplicable dullness I feel. Maybe it’s just exercise? The food? Maybe I need longer baths? I just want to be alone and think. I can’t have the peace I need. It’s frustrating but I always remind myself to be kind on my own thoughts.

When I catch myself doing nothing, I tend to think of the things that I can do to make sure that I don’t waste that idle time. Because usually I look back and think of all the spare time that I have and regret not being productive. Now it’s the fifth month since quarantine and I wish I’ve memorized the 20 essential amino acid + Selenocysteine and their structures back in March.

I could always think that I can always start, that’s better than starting tomorrow or next month. I’ll see. I need to sleep now. Or not. I don’t know.

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scalpelsculptures · 4 years

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Knowledge of the complex might be impressive but genius are those who gets to simplify it.

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scalpelsculptures · 4 years

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#ThoughtDump 3

Yesterday, my friend's brother and the mother of my sister's classmate died. Both due to illnesses. And sure enough not everyone expected their own death, because I know a few who did.

The inevitability of being in their situation is one hard pill to swallow. One day I'll be parentless, and God forbid I lose one of my siblings when I'm the eldest.

Disagreements are normal in a family, however when I find myself annoyed by them, I ask myself: what if it's the last time I'll be with them? Then their irritating hum becomes pleasant, I suddenly realise my favorite memory, and the things I would regret.

They say that regrets are late realizations. Late since no one can ever turn back time to apply whatever they figured out. So before I lose them, I ask myself the same question, and give myself reason to love them more. Because people may come and go, and as impermanence prevail, family remains irreplaceable.

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scalpelsculptures · 4 years

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Patience is very rewarding but I've noticed that I've been very impatient lately :( I have forgotten the importance of process and it only causes unneeded infuriation :(

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scalpelsculptures · 4 years

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Aww muy guapo mi amore ❤

Sometimes I think of writing about you but I end up being all speechless about how I feel. For a person to have such goodness in his heart is a rarity and truly I am blessed with one.

Been more than a hundred days since I saw you and I terribly miss everything about you: your smile, your scent, the way you'd try to piss me off, the face you make when I annoy you, I miss doing chores with you, cooking, and simply binge-watching koreanovelas while devouring an entire bucket of crispy fried chicken from our favorite fast food.

I secretly made a playlist of all the songs you play when I'm at your place. I've been also wanting to buy that sweet red wine to relive the times we just drink and watch the stars to recuperate from the stress of a work-laden week.

I never understood how loving someone so much would end up paining you, until I hear old love songs that makes missing you feel a lot worse. I've been saving all these love and I can't wait to share it with you, only you.

I will never be able to thank you enough for the love and support you're continuously giving me, for the care you've shown that made your mere presence my home.

My heart aches with this desire of being with you as soon as possible, so I pray for your safety and health, that God's will for you may be done and that He blesses our relationship. I love you bb, and a million of this can never equate as to how much more it actually means and how much I actually feel.

I love you, forever.

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