In light of recent events...

what do you do when the job you interviewed for said they'd call u but it's an hr after they were supposed to and u KNOW that the interviewer liked you and wanted to work with you but she just hasn't called yet to tell u good or bad news

seeing people who have the wonder of creation in their souls but lack the skills to create the universes trapped in their minds brings me such sorrow. they can describe to me the most beautiful palace down to the intricate details etched into the stone that lines the halls and yet, when they put pen to page the words can't be recreated with nearly as much meaning, like sandpaper when read. or when brush meets canvas. and the paints blend such that what was supposed to be a rich crimson now appears as a distasteful brown, and it saddens me. the worlds that I will never experience as if our universe could only contain them as a concept, as if their flaws and beauty would be too much to experience as more then imaginative places stuck inside the minds of those who can't do justice to the wonders of the world's trapped in their heads. maybe to some creativity isn't a gift, because without the ability to bring the ideas life its hell like a reoccurring itch you cannot scratch.

happy birthday to me

18 I finally made it

I don't know what to do with myself now any sage advice from Tumblr?

I'm gonna start using Tumblr like no one can perceive my existence much less find my account

I'm done being emo it's time for the next phase

hey I mean I'm coping with turning 18 by trying to make this summer more fun by trying to get as many people as I can to listen to cringe 2000s music now so hopefully the vibe is there by summer, can't have a birthday party because all my friends are going to someone else's on my birthday which is shit but eh life is that way I'll just have a sick ass 19th and not invite them

sounds like a sick as hell time (minus the freinds bot being there part)

I turn 18 soon, and I feel...

honestly, I'm not really sure. am I supposed to feel happy or excited? I'm not exactly sure it is my first time turning 18, and there's not exactly a wiki-how on it.

eighteen. Eight, teen. I'll be an adult. I'll have responsibilities. big ones too. and I just can't help but feel like I'm not ready for it all but I guess that's just how it goes. one day your a kid and the next your not. funny, because I still feel like a kid.

I mean I don't really know what it's like to be a kid. I never had a childhood. I grew up moving my whole life because of my dads job. never staying anywhere for more then 3 years. it really stunted my growth but I wouldn't notice that until years later. I never had freinds for long always moving and losing contact. it really takes its toll on a kid yknow?

and around 9 years old it really started hitting me I had to completely restart my life so many times. having freinds that I remember only by the traits I picked up from them not the names or faces. I fell into a depression. and to make matters worse I had started to realize I wasn't like the other kids

covid hit and things only got worse I didn't see anyone of my freinds and realized that I was transgender and had to figure out all the problems that arise with such a revaluation and a family who weren't helping me

then I went into highschool and when it got out that I was trans I received death threats. that with my teachers were denying my very obvious and prevalent learning disabilities I was taken out of school with no freinds and no one to talk to i was alone

by 15 I had realized I couldn't remember anything but a select few memories of my my closest freind, I'd suffered from untreated depression for so long my memories were lost. and everything is a blur still to this day.

now I'm turning 18 and I feel like only now I'm getting the childhood I was deprived of, I actually have freinds who I can talk to granted they're all online. but I habe a group of people for the first time in years but I still feel like I shouldn't be an adult yet I've grown up too fast.

I'll never get my own prom. or late nights out with freinds making highschool memories. I feel cheated out of growing up. I know that I was a kid once but I don't remember it and all of the memories in highschool I hear people talk about I will never experience. i don't think I'm ready to grow up but just like before I have to grow up to keep surviving.

so Eighteen

I turn 18 soon. and I feel; as much as I want to say lied to or cheated I just feel sad. but not int the way your sad when you lose someone close to you. I'm sad like when you first learn that dogs can see all the colours you can. when you feel sorry they cant see the world as beautifully as you can. i feel sorry for a happy kid that never got the chance to experience being a kid

I turn 18 soon, and I feel like so much is expected of me now. I turn 18 soon, and I feel that I'm not ready. I turn 18 soon, and I feel scared of what's to come. I turn 18 soon, and I feel sad. I turn 18 soon, and I feel that nothings really changed

I turn 18 soon, and I feel.

my body tingles crying I say to the world this body isnt mine

sometimes i wish I could tear off my own skin but I cry when there's blood

being trans is a unique experience and I do belive that there's something beautiful in it. I get to meet wonderful people and I've been able to experience amazing jobs in my life because of it but it's also something I would never wish apon another living being. the pain and suffering that you go through makes the end goal seem so far away. and your worst enemy often times is not the random people in the street but it is yourself. you for a long time are your greatest enemy. you grow up thanking that being trans is forsaking everything good and that you will be losing your humanity by pursuing it so you berate yourself. you think that your a monster something not worth living; and if you make it out of that you never truly leave it behind somewhere deep inside those thoughts sit and lie in wait for when you start to reach an all time low. you learn to manage as time goes on you suppress hose thoughts or you somehow make peace with them and you continue on. at some point you start to learn of how your identity is used as a political point to argue something else and you have to watch as you are decided if you have the right to humanity as all should be but that isn't the case for you. your a political pawn your image slandered without anyone asking who you are beyond that. during your research into why you were chosen to be the political pawn you will learn of countless tales of violence against people like you and you will have to come to terms that you will not only receive hate in social media but that you could be in danger in public doing just the same thing as everyone else. but still you continue on. you continue on not because you are someone who wants all of this but because you know better then anyone how before this you felt like an empty husk. you do this so you can look on the mirror. you do this so when someone passing by in the street says you look nice you think to yourself "yea I do look nice." you do this because no matter the hard ships thrown at you all the hard ships and roadblocks and hours hoping that they won't hate you or judge you baised off of one aspect of your self you can atleast be a little bit happy woth yourself in those moments where no one is around to stare or judge. the screens are off and your by yourself you can think in the silence "yea, I guess I do like myself now."

this is something I've had on my mind for a long time I wanted to try to write something that speaks to people's humanity rather then trying to have people understand exactly what it's like.

*smoke emiting from clenched fist*

woman: OOOOoOOH NoO!!!! It’s meelltIINNGG!!

*ring melts off woman’s hand*

woman: MY PRECIOUS POWERRrRR RING! GONE FOORRVVERrrr..

woman: *screams like a pterodactyl* 

You cant win

If I die think back to me not as I am but as I wish to be