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saidbywho · 4 years

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BERNIDO '19-'20

to be honest, i couldn't help but feel like i've failed this year... like no, this wasn't the goal i was aiming for. i've let myself down numerous times, but this... this is greater than all those other let downs i've ever had; the kind where your heart just sinks again and again in an endless cycle. and it feels awful because my parents never dared to tell me that i wasn't doing my best; that i was a failure and a dissappontment. because of that, i am grateful. not just for them, but also for you. i want you to know that i am proud of everyone today. and i will be proud of you tomorrow, the day after that, and for the rest of my life. you have been my querencia; my resting place for 4 years. it's sad knowing that i won't be seeing the usual 49 faces coming through the entrance at 6 in the morning again.

thank you for letting me become a part of your narrative (sum Hamilton reference), and thank you for being a part of mine. it was fun writing all the best parts, creating mistakes and correcting them. i wish this year could've ended differently. i wasn't even able to write you individual letters or make you small gifts. i don't want to worry though because our story's unfinished. i'm confident we'll meet again at some time in the future. complete, all 49 of us. for those still staying in the same school this year, i look forward to seeing you and making memories with you again until the legit "see you soon" (because i'm not keen on good byes).

i hope you don't find this too cringey or dramatic :::( i was tearing up :> and the words were voluntarily flowing out. anywayy i don't want to end this on such a serious note...

I MISS YOUUUU. SEE YOU SOON.

ps. miming pls

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saidbywho · 4 years

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saidbywho · 4 years

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unsent voice record

"eherm—"

it was probably the eleventh time i cleared my throat.

i knew my voice was no where close to the smooth, honey-lemon kind, so recording it wasn't exactly a piece of cake. i wish it was though, so i need not to worry if the boy i like will spare even a minute of his time to listen, or delete the whole thing the moment he hears the first word.

"oh my flippin' blueberry pancakes please don't let me mess up," i silently prayed, clutching my phone hard.

"three, two, one,—"

[recording]

"hey, how's it going? i hope you recognize me from the sound of my voice, which i apologize for. this... is something entirely foreign compared to what i usually do, and maybe now you're wondering why i ditched the usual letter-writing. atleast, i think you are. writing is my mistress. but today, my words won't be expressed enough if i serve them to her. i have to speak myself, but without having to actually face you. so grab some cereal, or atleast drink a bit of coffee while this audio plays.

*takes deep breaths*

on the night after our last, and sadly, cold conversation, it seemed like i had all the hours, minutes, and seconds to myself. every corner of the room i sleep in anticipated tales of my frustrations that day, and every other day before.

there's no doubt i enjoy every moment i get with you, an actual angel sent by heaven to earth. while every moment without you was an unbearable torture, i had my ways. in times where all i wanted was to see your face amidst hundreds, a glimpse at your picture was enough. it fills in that small void in my heart, and narrows down this huge gap keeping us apart until it feels like you are no longer out of reach. i guess that was what i've always wished for, on every star that shoots across the sky, as i toss coins in every wishing well i pass by.

every day i am tempted to tell you of my frustrations, my longing, and the fact that you've unintentionally let my hopes up. if you would just admit and slap the truth in my face, that i have lesser than a snowball's chance in hell of actually winning your heart, then maybe i won't be having these conversations alone at night. I won't be asking myself ridiculous questions, and leaving them unanswered as i shut my eyes. but i never told you, and i never blamed you for my misfortunes, because i am aware of how wrong it is to all of a sudden accuse someone of something without hearing their side. i still believe you were just kind enough to put up with all my corny jokes and cringey statements. i push forward, because a spark of hope continues to flicker brightly inside me.

i have ideated every possible gift and crafted them in my own space at home, because i wanted you to see, know, and feel how my heart pounds for you so. behind every corny joke was a struggle to search them up online, and a struggle to create one myself. the courage of spewing each cringey statement comes from this very strong feeling slithering through my veins and entire being.

before i knew it, i was running impatient.

i yearned to grasp the sensation of having someone by my side, someone who is inlove with the way i oddly act on some days. someone who could keep up with the stories i have collected on a blissful afternoon. someone who replies with memes and selfies the way i do. someone i can share all my poetry and songs with. someone who would never tire of reminding me that i am not a bother, and that i am not some kind nuisance you want to throw off a balcony.

waiting was a game i could participate in but refused to, because there were days when i thought everything has finally made sense between us. i have finally gained that staggering someone in my life. unfortunately now, all i have to come back to are the crumbled parts of those rapturous days. you broke them when you said sweet words, it broke more when you never said them again.

it's ok. it's alright. it's absolutely fine. i came to realize that this may not be the right time for me, for us. we have a lot of chapters to unlock, and we still have a long way before we get to the part of date nights and morning videocalls. you have magnificent dreams that i surely might not be a part of, and i have mine. though the gap remains, let's reach them together!

today, i won't be waiting for your face to appear amidst hundreds. but when the universe suddenly decides that the time is right, i'll wait again. i will take the risk of waiting despite having nothing to wait for anymore.

well, that's it. if you reached this far, all i have to say is thanks a lot! i'll see you when i see you.

bye.

[end]

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saidbywho · 4 years

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Wolves of the Night

They stay awake at the brink of nightfall, sniffing for the next prey to devour; skin and bones to scarf down their throats.

Haunting, their howls carried by the East wind and unceasingly rings in and out of my head;

Bellowing, their growls that threatened to pry me away from peace and a good night sleep;

Hideous, their intentions of tearing and scratching my skin with their huge clammy claws.

They came for the taste of blood. My blood.

Their eagerness to see me bleed is a loud cry that echoed through and beyond. Bleed of the unanswered questions that lay on the ground for them to trample on. Bleed of the wrongful accusations I've thrown upon people for years. Bleed of the guilt harvested from unfortunate situations. Bleed of the abominable regret, a blight that I must endure. Bleed for them to satisfy their thirst and greed. Bleed for them to survive the night. Bleed so that they may use it to water the seed of a greater pain, and to grow it until it's thorns prick me into bleeding more and more, until no certain patch can ever restrict it from gushing out.

When the full moon rises and appears for everyone to spectate at it's majestic glamour, the true wolves of the night rejoices at the torment they've caused. After that, they manifest an excitement, and look forward to another night of creeping in the vulnerable walls of my long-known safe house, and torture me with endless thoughts of the past.

They're coming,

and they are close.

#late night thoughts

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