this so tmi but literally no one sees this blog so like. anyways last night this girl was hitting on me and touching me and i felt so scared but it also felt really good. i know bodies are weird and it makes sense, its nice to feel wanted and it’s scary after you’ve said you’re not interested except maybe you actually weren’t clear enough because you were drunk and didnt think she meant anything by it. but also it makes no sense at all. and i simultaneusly think that it’s entirely my fault for leading her on and also that she’s a creep who basically assaulted me instead of being normal about it. oh and she’s a friend of a close friend so i will see her idren

i always think of my body as separate from me because i can’t control it. the knot that forms in my stomach when i see you isn’t me. the bubbles in my chest when i smoke too much isn’t me. the itch at the back of my neck, the headache from too little sleep. i’m lagging like a computer, overheating so i’m frozen in place and can’t go on. my worst fear is that one day people will realize i’m just as bad as him. that they’ll joke about that girl they used to be friends with before they knew better. it’s why i masculinize myself when i feel guilty. it’s like a part of my body, some awful thing in my blood clawing at my skin and begging to be released. (it’s why i like when someone else says they could love a monster.)

there’s a part of my body (always my body) that reaches for her like a blanket. that wants the security of having her to fall to and pretend like it isn’t fucking monumental that she feels safe to fall into. the part that screams for proof i was loved, once, despite how fucking horrible i am.

it’s the part of me that remembers the Before and not the During. the sweet nothing of a teenage crush and making eyes at each other in secret. sweet nothing but it’s nothing still.

“girls are more drama than guys” is kind of true but only by quantity not by severity. girl drama is like “she was rude to me so i’m mad at her” and guy drama is “i am a fundamentally different person than i claimed to be”

i feel drunk but i would say it sober. i miss you so much, i loved you so deeply. i have never loved anyone the way i loved you then and i think i never will again. i love you now and always, in the way the kid in my heart will always love the kid she knew. i miss you. thank you for showing me how to love.

my childhood best friend has me on my main so i can’t post there about how she joined a sorority and broke up with her long term bf and likes girls know and i only know by speculation from her instagram. i have our wedding in my calendar because we made one of those ten year marriage pacts last fall. we haven’t seen each other since august. she doesn’t know about the car accident i got into over winter break. the dude who befriended and betrayed me in the span of two months. the project i’m doing that’s been my dream since we were kids. the class i took with my idol. she doesn’t know my ex and i are on good terms and my friend who always gave me good advice doesn’t talk to me anymore. i wonder if she knows i love her and i miss her every day and i grieve for the girls we used to be like they’re dead and not just a few years in the past

i have this girl on my main blog and i wish i could block her but i know her irl and she’d probably be hurt but i just dont like that she can see my posts. i dont know you like that girl you’re in my class

dear people with vulvas who don’t shave their bikini area: how??? how do you not get uncomfortable?? do you just have less hair than me? and i mean physical discomfort like when i havent trimmed it in a while it either gets itchy or just feels weird? not even mentioning if you get your period and you’re using a pad/etc that isnt internal and it like clings to the hair?? this is not judgement its a genuine question. what is your secret teach me your ways.

unpopular opinion: “cheating” in open relationships is very often not cheating.

obviously there is such a thing as cheating on an open relationship. HOWEVER. it is so so easy to not have clear boundaries in and what one partner considers “cheating” and a violation of those boundaries, the other might believe it’s totally within those boundaries. so now person A is telling everyone person B cheated on them when in reality they’re the one who didn’t communicate their own boundaries properly and person B just made a completely honest mistake

i know i look like someone who would watch doctor who but i don’t need to, like, be reminded of it

all my stuffed animals, brendon urie, and adam pascal watching me get railed like👁️👁️

instead of being normal i tend to split in half and cling to both extremes with each half of my body. half of me will never look you in the eye again, will have a damn hard time trusting anyone new. the other half seeks comfort like a child, wants to curl up into the closest arms and rest there. half of me knows you’re evil and the other half knows it’s all lies.

i know the truth is likely somewhere in the middle. i know i will probably never know the truth. i know i push people away at the slightest conflict because it’s easier.

what a waste. what a damn shame but most of all what a waste.

had this dream where i slept in your bed for some reason. i don’t really remember why, i think maybe i just needed a place to sleep and i felt like you owed it to me to give me your bed for the night. i must have just crashed because i was still wearing skinny jeans. i know you woke me up in the morning because someone had put sugar in your things and you thought it was me, but i told you it wasn’t and after a moment of convincing you believed me. i got up and took my bag and left, then, and said goodbye. i thought maybe you’d have something important to say to that, something big and dramatic, but you just said goodbye back to me.

then i went back home and told my roommates where i’d been. i told them i’d done something terrible, i was a horrible person. but they disagreed, they seemed to understand. when i saw you again that day it was stilted and awkward in a way it’s never been and probably never will be. the details from then on are fuzzy. i think i woke up soon after.

i’m still parsing through but i think this might be my closure. i did something selfish but understandable, and in the end it never went back to the way things were. i think this was my goodbye, not just to you but to everything about it. to the whole ordeal taking up space in my mind. to you taking up space there.

it’s strange how quickly you can erase a person. i feel like a dead chunk of matter that used to be so full of life, full to bursting. like a soaked-up sponge full of tears that just dried out overnight.

they were right that ignorance is bliss, i guess. i guess that’s all there is to it. i’m grateful for dreams.

“so did you hear about” YES i heard OBVIOUSLY i heard literally everyone is talking about it! you are the fifth person to ask me about it directly! i know this is funny to you but this is a real person who did real things to real people!! and i am lying awake at night wondering what wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t decided he owed some other girl a favor so we never would have met and i wouldn’t know about it or even care so yes i fucking heard about it!

Great Depression-era Christmas card on recycled paper (via here)

as someone who is the same age as noah schnapp i think it is so clear that he is just a teenager who has been fed a certain narrative his entire life. who made one statement very early on which, while not a statement i agree with, very clearly comes from a place of fear and naivety. like it’s so clear to me that he is not a bad person he is just ignorant and i don’t think ignorance constitutes malice in this particular case.

but the more important thing that bothers me is that we are combating this ignorance with hate instead of education.

like, let’s step back for one second. if you’re an american with the privilege to not only be informed about global events but also watch from the safety and comfort of a home that isn’t under attack. if you have the privilege to talk politics online without fearing repercussions. i think you have a responsibility to use that privilege to educate others in a way that’s actually effective. don’t shit talk random celebreties who don’t know you exist, start with your well-meaning liberal mom and your friends and social circle. and if you’re gonna shit talk celebrities start with the ones who are actually malicious maybe?

why is this so funny to me

my best friend and i are fighting a bit and i literally haven’t been this sad since i got brutally dumped in high school. on the bright side though it confirms my theory that the reason i went into a three month depressive episode over a man despite being a lesbian is because i did care deeply for (and maybe love) him as a friend and then i woke up one day and he was gone