Things i wish i knew when i started:

👾 dont just check for c4ls, sodium only makes you hungrier

👾 protein intake is a must

👾 dont restr1ct too low, honestly start 1400-1600 and work your way down

👾 coke zero is better than diet coke sorry not sorry

👾 stop eating at 6 and make your c4lorie window smaller

👾 drink about 32 oz of liquid before eating never eat when you're thirsty

👾 dont dry f4st (this is obvs but i only ever dry f4sted in middle school)

👾 go on tumblr for 30 min before eating or just wait, this helps me with self control

👾 never eat stressed or when you're head isnt in the right place

👾 only w3igh yourself once a week under the same conditions (idk why w3ighing myself obsessively led to b1nges)

👾 eating high c4l food is okay in portions+ it helps hide your tracks and curbs b1nges

👾 learn to like the feeling of being hungry and only eat when you have to

👾 dont break fasts with c4l dense foods, eat something light then wait an hour and eat a healthy meal

👾 if you go over your lim1t its not over, one bite is better than a b1nge you'll thank yourself later

👾 think about long term, not about what youll look like today or tomorrow

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i remember when i first started (3 yrs ago) i was restr1cted to 200 c4ls then b/p ing it was honestly the worst experience ever and i dont want anyone to go through that so heres some things ive used the past month or so ive been back and havent b1nged which im like really happy about. i wanna emphasize #3 cause my initial week i ate abt 1000-1200 everyday and lost 10łbs and kept it off so

• Reasons to not b1nge :

🌸 eating only ever makes you feel worse

🌸 bloatings gonna hit like a b1tch tomorrow

🌸 the cravings WILL go away

🌸 you dont deserve it, you need to study more

🌸 youre going to regret it one bite in

🌸 you've been so good dont let this set you back

🌸 one binge could lead to a series of binges

🌸 wait for a meta day

🌸 YOU decide what goes in ur body

🌸 the numbers on the scale aren't an accident

🌸 an empty stomach feels better than regret

🌸 you're serious about this right? act serious

🌸 dont lose control.

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(this is totally directed at myself im writing this to take up time,,, my period started mid fast and im wearing this cute tight affliction shirt tomorrow but i get bloated so easily. also, how do yall sleep i love the feeling of an empty stomach but god forbid i sleep on it..)

Me when I gain

Me when I maintain

So today/yesterday (it’s almost 5am right now) I unfused with host… And then I became integrated with another within my system who was not fused with host. It was all very confusing when it was happening, I wasn’t sure who I was until I was. I’m back, interacting with the world and it’s like, I was never gone when I was fused, but it was different. If that makes any sense whatsoever.

I’m not sure where Whisper is right now. I suppose I’ve just accepted her presence fronting with me at the moment. We have an accent, but we never express it out loud usually. I’ve agreed with Whisper to talk in my voice more often. She has as well. She makes a habit of talking out loud when no one else is around to get use to talking instead of just whispering. In any case, those of us who front the most are extremely skilled at masking our accent and we make sure not to speak like that in public or around any friends or family unless it’s as a joke for brief periods. It is extremely fun to talk in my real accent in front of other people. Others within my system would not agree and are not fearful to try it but me and Wonder and the host are trying to make it a habit.

Wonder and the host are still fused. I just left that fusion. I’m not sure how they feel about it because I’ve sort of been taking the reigns today. I don’t feel like checking in with them because I know what they’re going to say/feel. They’re going to be a bit sad. They are. They think I shouldn’t be back online posting about my disordered thoughts but they’re wrong.

Why exactly? Because I need a place to vent. I need someone other than us. I need someone other than myself. I need a place to write and record how I feel and most of all, I need to keep myself in check so I don’t become overweight or obese. It’s my worst nightmare and I’ve gained so much weight since I recovered last year. I’m over it. I don’t want to be sick or anything, but I want my body back and I want to feel the way I felt at my lowest weight. I want my old favorite clothes to fit again, I don’t want to buy new ones. I want to eat less and feel weightless. I was to feel my bones… I want it all. I can’t take it anymore. I’ve already said my prayers to my Lord for help through this and I asked Him, my Saviour, to carry me through it. I don’t want to hurt myself and I don’t want to be living in sin. However, I also need a change or I’m going to be driven mad. I must find a way to get back to my lowest weight. I just must. I don’t want to live this way, stuffing my face with food every day. I don’t want to be that type of person ever. The type of person who goes from AnNA to BED. Never. I will never allow that to ever happen.

So first things first include weighing myself again to see the ugly truth. I don’t even know what I weigh right now. I was intuitively eating for so long, banned from the scale by myself (by host, really, but I agreed at the time), banned from any type of food restrict10000n. I am hiding these words because I don’t want this post to be flagged or taken down… I’m not tagging these but just in case.

I need to get to sleep so that I can wake up around 11am and then take care of my morning hygiene. Then I’ll go on a walk. After my walk I’ll take a shower and do my skincare regimen. Goodnight to me. I’ll probably be the only one reading this ever. I hope that I can wake up earlier than the afternoon. I hate waking up in the afternoon but my sleep schedule is reversed from what is normal at the moment due to staying up late out of excitement, studying and playing games and enjoying this free time I have lately.

Sweet dreams~

A series of styles I am excited to start expressing once I’m at my ugw (I might be relapsing, idk, I’m telling myself I’m just trying to lose weight but…)

Bralette tops, sheer tops, crop tops and the like. I love these for when I’m feeling like dressing feminine.

Masculine outfits that accentuate a thin waist. Need I really say more?

Cute skirt ensembles like this one. I love how it mixes masculine with feminine in a balanced way. Also, I’ll always love my clothes baggy sometimes.

A long trench croat and cool shoes like this. This is literally my dream outfit for a day at the library or out shopping in the colder months.

Baggy, fully covered up outfits that height my figure but everyone can still easily tell I’m skinny.

More masculine outfits that make me look like a hoodlum. Lol.

Super elegant long sweater ensembles like this one.

Summery skirt outfits with sheer tops that reveal a sports bra or bralette underneath.

Classy, elegant, and feminine looks like this one.

All I need to do is stick to a diet and strict exercise regimen and I don’t think I’ll relapse. I don’t want to una-live or anything anymore. This is solely about feeling like forced recovery stole my body from me. I’m simply going to get my body back.

february

week one:

focus on getting back into the habit of tracking all calories. wean into reducing the amount this week. wean yourself back into walking for long periods of time.

november

end of month gw: 119.0 lbs

weigh-ins: every sunday

weekly schedule guidelines:

sun: walk 1 hr on treadmill before work, eat very light

mon: walk 1 hr after work, eat very light

tue: walk 1 hr after work, eat very light, start fast in evening

wed: walk 1 hr after work, keep fasting

thu: walk 1 hr after work, eat very light to break fast, begin new fast in evening

fri: rest day, eat very light in the evening

sat: rest day, eat lightly before or after work depending on shift

daily guidelines:

drink 2.7 L of water each day

at least 40 sit ups every non-rest and non-fast day

at least 30 hip bridges every non-rest and non-fast day