Mental health is important. Worked two hours extra to help my work pare down some craziness and thought about signing up to do more today. Laid flat in bed at 8am and decided against it. I’m almost finished with my 1-2yr sweater, then I’ll be making more hats and scarves. I gotta get crackin’ on these for September.

I’m almost out of my depression meds. I have one left. I sent off for my prescriptions by mail like I’m supposed to, but apparently 4648247428575992 other Americans have the same affliction I do, and my refill is mad late.

I’m sitting here at 430am and in tears and panicky because I have to touch base with my boss tomorrow and she’s going to write me up for missing days. I can’t breathe. I’m trying my best and I’m not getting any affection.

I tried another person, but he’s too busy too and barely talks to me. I typically don’t need to be dependent upon someone, but when your husband does a full 180 from being a grouchy but funny metalhead into a yoga fairyboy, it really fucks with a relationship.

I feel like we’ve drifted and there’s no rope in sight to grab onto. He doesn’t like BDSM, and I always have. I have to reach out to others for pain. It doesn’t matter how many times I try to talk about this - he won’t go to a counselor because he doesn’t like people in our business. He hates social media and Facebook.

Meanwhile, my Mom keeps telling me that her and Dad’s sex life is great. She’s almost 60.

And I’m sitting here in tears because I’m exploding with love and cuddles on the inside and no one to share it with. Poly doesn’t work when so many just want to one-night-stand.

I just want to love someone. And make love to them. And be there for them. Take care of them when they’re sick. Worry about them. Be strong for them because I’ll have someone and something else to focus on. Not how much I hate myself and feel like a monster that takes up space.

In literal tears right now at almost 430am because I’m alone and feel like nobody gets it. Hubby wants me to do Reiki, but I also don’t like people touching me. I’m stuck and feel like I’m going to throw up. I also have work tomorrow and missed two days and will be wrote up because I don’t have a doctor’s note and can’t afford to go get one.

totally forgot to share this on here! my first animated video ever and also the intake assignment I had to use for getting into art academy :-) it’s about agoraphobia, which i’ve coped with myself when I was younger. I was too afraid to go outside and when I had to for simple tasks I got mad panic and cry attacks.

-going back to work after taking a few days off as “sick” and scared you’ll lose your job but could use one more day because you don’t have the strength to do “today”.

Fun Agoraphobia Things

- The rare occasion when you do try to make plans and the other person ignores you - School in general - Needing to get your hair cut but the people at the salon want to Talk - Yes netflix, of course I’m still watching this, what else would I be doing? - Getting paranoid every time someone messages you - Getting paranoid every time you message someone - Never answering other people’s messages, but panicking when someone doesn’t answer - *anybody laughs* Fuck what did I do now - Public restrooms? Funny. - When you don’t like the weather so there’s DOUBLE reason to not leave the house - When something bad is happening at your house so you have nowhere to go

Feel free to add your own!

There’s a reason why I’ve been fired from three jobs in the past.

Reminders for people with agoraphobia

You’re not lazy

It’s okay if you can’t work

It’s okay if you need a day of self-care

It’s okay if you have to take a break from school

It’s okay to ask a friend to come over because you can’t go out

It’s okay if you have to do phone appointments for therapy sometimes

You’re worthwhile

and most importantly

Every panic attack will end.

Or “that exists?”

Uh, YEAH. I’m not a hypochondriac. It sucks and I’m still here breathing, but it’s not enough and I’m fucking lonely.

I love how everyone is like “we support you!!!” until I show a symptom and then they’re like “well you’re obviously not trying” �� like if you think me just knowing about and trying to recover from my illnesses makes them disappear just get the fuck out of my life and stop guilting me for being sick