Thought about this movie today and got hit with that nostalgia of being at my grandparents house , in the little play room watching this movie.

The Princess and the Goblin will always have a special place in my heart: the scene of when she first meets her grandmother has stuck with me just because of the aesthetic and the colors as well as Curdie's song *chef kiss*

something is calling to me. i can feel it like a muffled voice just above the surface but I can't make out what it's saying. i can't understand the language of the messenger yet. but i know that the messenger is me - maybe a me from the future, a future that feels far away. but the gap of time between me and her is closing and the whisper is getting clearer and clearer with each passing moment. the harder i fight to uncover the secret message, the further out of reach it gets. if only i could understand the voice, the message, everything would all make sense. but where is the mystery in that? the mystery is what keeps the curious wanderer searching. one day i will close my eyes and the whisper will be so loud that it drowns out everything else and it's all i can hear. i'm sure of that now.

goodbye 2022

a look back at 2022 ~ 

I’ll remember this year as the year that I was laid off and had to do a lottttt of maintenance on my inner world. I thought that being in one place, not moving around, and finally settling down a bit would bring me peace and clarity and honestly - even though it sounds cliche - like the world was my oyster and lots of fun endeavors were waiting for me. That all changed when 3 weeks into 2022 I was laid off from my job: The foundation on which my false sense of security rested upon was pulled out right from underneath me. Even though it was terrible and lame and annoying and stressful, I still managed to do a hell of a lot of fun and cool things this year - of course, with my amazing partner by my side. Here’s some of the highlights as I look back: 

1. We got to experience PA winter in full swing! It snowed a few times and we cozied up in our new place at the beginning of the year. I think there were even some fun photo shoots in my underwear dancing around in the snow in our backyard?

2. Sean got me a Tiffany’s necklace for vday and I got him gold roses - quite boujie I’d say! We always spoil each other and this year was no different. And we had a super fancy dinner in Philly, got a free entre, and free dessert! Just our luck.

3. For Sean’s bday we fulfilled his one request - eat lots of different cakes! I think we got 5 or 6 slices of cakes from Paris Baguette and enjoyed every bite. And lottery tickets. Lots. And Lots. Of lottery tickets.  

4. I started writing movie reviews and turning them into youtube videos! It was fun for a little while.. I thought with all of my thoughts and ideas i’d be able to sustain a channel long term but that sh*t is a lot of work and in the end it wasn’t for me. HOWEVER, I did continue to make youtube videos all year - mostly doing nails which have gotten better and better all year long.

5. Living closer to home paid off. We got to spend a lot of time with my family this year. Going to the butterfly garden for my mom’s bday stands out as a highlight as well as shopping with her at Suburban Square, going to my cousin’s wedding, and seeing each other on every major holiday. I used to despise family gatherings, and now I cherish them deeply.

6. My sister was pregnant the first half of the year and I got to go to Florida to throw her a baby shower with my mom and our extended family. It was such a wholesome and fun trip. Usually the Florida sun and humidity isn’t my thing but I thoroughly enjoyed walking to the beach and experiencing being with my Grandma. 

7. We went to ITALY! Even if Japan didn’t open its borders to tourists just yet, we still made international travel happen and it was very romantic and fun. Especially Venice - what a gorgeous city, the canals, Doge Palace, aperol spritz and the fancy 10-story walk-up airbnb. We walked like 10 miles a day and throughout Venice, Florence, and Milan we stumbled upon all different kinds of hidden gems (the alchemist’s lair being very memorable, and the view from the top of that hill near our airbnb where i cried lol). The food was a solid 6.5 out of 10 (lol) with shining stars like the sandwiches in Florence and the lows being Cibreo -_- . Sean is an amazing travel buddy and makes anywhere feel like home.

8. We got more tattoos! I think Sean got 6 tattoos?! I got 2 new ones. And counting!

9. We had some solid exercise habits that started by going to the gym together like 4-5 times a week from January through May! We fell off the wagon, then got back on with Peloton, then fell off again. Lol

10. I got a LOVESAC for my bday!!! Which completely changed the game for me with reading. I read 25 books this year which blows my mind. But that was one of the ways that unemployment was productive! We also went kayaking for my bday - so serene, so nice. It was moody and cloudy that day so we were alone on the Schuykill river which was perfect. 

11. We made friends! And did things like The Bachelorette weekly watch parties, went to engagement parties and danced our pants off, hosted a labor day picnic and Friendsgiving, and I joined a book club. Friendships are a fun social outlet but Sean is still and will always be the one I love hanging out with the most.

12. We went to Cape may beach and Sean actually went in the ocean with me!!! I loved seeing his smile floating around and letting the waves sway him up and down. And we managed to not get sunburn!

13. We celebrated 3 years of dating! 

13. I made a looooooooooot of salads. Famous Rudi salads.

14. I got really into K-pop.. like more than ever before. Even got to see Blackpink which was a once in a lifetime event! Probably one of the happiest days of my life - not exaggerating! 

15. Sean got raise after raise after raise and is bringing home the bacon like I’ve never seen him before. It’s been wonderful to see him feeling secure and buying whatever the f he wants!

16. I got a job!!! And in the same month, I bought a brand new car. Goodbye rusty old volvo - hello 2023 soobie :) Adulting. 

17. I got to visit my new nephew, Juju, in San Diego and spend a week with my sister. She’s such a good mom and I can’t wait to see juju again this year! 

18. We got a PS5 and finally got to play Genshin which is now an obsession - a healthy obsession ;) 

19. Sean built an enormous tea collection, decked out his office in a bunch of cool decor & peloton, grew herbs and plants in our backyard, stood up to our cranky neighbors, discovered his new fave store (rikumo) and got us to start doing Japanese workshops, booked us a trip to Japan for 2023, and help me through a lot of mental struggles. He’s been the one constant, amazing part of my year and I can’t wait for 2023′s memories to be made. 

Euphoria (2022) Season 2 Review

now live on my youtube channel! check it out, let me know what you think since it’s my first time XD

The Fallout (2022)

The Fallout is an HBO Max original drama based around a school shooting set in present day. The film really focuses on how people process trauma differently and all of the many effects it can have on our lives. Friendships that are broken, friendships that come out of no where, all the while being a teenager and dealing with the confusing nature of the world and discovering new things as is - it’s a very relatable film even for those of us who have never experienced such a tragedy as this. One of the standout scenes for me was when Vada’s dad takes her on a hike and she accidentally swears in front of him. Ashamed, she apologies and he tells her not to be sorry, that it’s ok to yell, and then proceeds to yell what he’s feeling like “The world is fucked up” or “I’m scared to take my kids to school every day”. It was so honest and real and connected with a part of me that keeps my own emotions like fear and anger bottled up. This film also portrayed adolescence in 2022 better than any show or film I’ve seen in recent memory. The influence of social media on teenagers and pre-teens, the self-awareness and connectedness of Gen-Z. Those were just a few things that also stood out to me and there were some scenes where Vada or her little sister would make a comment that their parents weren’t exactly sure how to respond to, which just reminded me how far apart those generations really feel. I admired Vada’s honesty and authenticity with her friends, her family, and herself. The character development really pulled me in and kept me watching. Maddie Ziegler’s performance as Mia was interesting and made me wonder if any part of the character was a reflection of her own life - an online influencer and tv star with lots of fame and a big online persona who is really just a lonely girl with no one to lean on for support in times of distress. The final scene of the film was bold and went full circle on the story line, bringing us right back to the feeling from the beginning of the movie and I thought it was an excellent cinematic choice. Overall this was great, sad film that opened my eyes to the hardships of the modern world we live in. 

Belle / 竜とそばかすの姫 (2021) 

**This review contains spoilers**

Saw this movie in theaters (subbed) after hearing great things about it. Overall I thought it was a very solid movie with outstanding animation and soundtrack. Even though it is framed as a modern retelling of Beauty and the Beast, the story is much more complex than that, drawing on mature themes such as domestic violence and child abuse. Aesthetically this film is a dream, especially the VR world. I liked the contrast of the real world being in 2D animation and the VR world being 3D animation. The story line could’ve gone a lot of ways and at one point I was thinking, man I really wish they don’t reveal the beast to be that one character. And then it took a totally different turn. It shows that the writers didn’t just want something predictable that anyone could figure out. My favorite character was Suzu’s friend who challenges her, supports her, and is smart and witty with her comebacks. I also liked the little AIs that led Suzu to the beast’s castle! They were just adorable. Even though the soundtrack was undeniably beautiful, I did feel as though some of the songs were dragged out a little bit too long for the audience. I wasn’t sure if it was supposed to be a kids movie where they usually have full length songs, or if it was supposed to be for a more mature audience, where you’re looking around thinking “ok can we go to the next scene now?!”. But that is one of my only criticisms and I thoroughly enjoyed the experience. Would watch it again :) 

when life gets hard it doesn’t seem so bad because I have you. That’s the cool thing about love - the power it has as the highest vibration above all else

always looking externally for answers, to see what someone else is doing, or which path they are going down. Can I come too? This is what I resort to in times of big decision making. Well, what is everyone else doing? But what I noticed is that everyone else is thinking for themselves. They are forging ahead based on their needs and beliefs and values. In times of distress, all of that fades away for me. All of my internal sense of self vanishes. I turn to mimic someone else. Because even if it’s not working out perfectly for them, at least it’s doing something. Instead of twirling my thumbs asking continuously “what should I do?” and not getting an answer from within for years. Just echos of the same cry over and over. Maybe I can read an article for ideas, listen to a podcast or find someone to talk to. That only gets me so far. Where is my internal voice when I need it? Why can’t I hear you now? When you’re usually all I can hear above everyone else’s voice. You leave me during the hardest times. 

who’s the judge?

I’ve always despised people who judge others harshly and dismiss their entire character for one aspect of their personality. Being judge or shamed by someone feels terrible! It hurts and makes me feel bad especially when it’s not backed by anything real. But a few days ago I found out a piece of information about someone who I thought I really liked, had cool ideas, and may have even put them on a bit of a pedestal subconsciously. I had never really questioned much this person said, and if I did it was always for intellectual fun or a game of devil’s advocate. When I found out this piece of information, a choice that she made that I stood in strong opposition against, it really put into question her whole character. Every idea she had that I found interesting or relatable, I was now re-evaluating with a new lens of skepticism and judgement. She fell of the pedestal in my mind and it had me shook! I was like, oh shit, I cannot listen to anything else this person has to say for fear that if I agree.... well I’m not really sure how to end that thought but I just started judging her and questioning her character because of this one thing. I started to make assumptions about her that would be in line with this decision she made. I started to wonder how many other questionable things she was partaking in that would invalidate some of her ideas I previously got behind and integrated into my life. It felt like a kind of unweaving of our digital history had to occur. 

This led me down a path of trying to understand my own judgements. Why do I judge others harshly? And what actions or behaviors or character traits are worth judging at all? This really got under my skin because before this moment I had never considered that I might be a judgmental person at all. And judgements are interesting because people are changing all the time. Like someone might judge something that I’ve said or done during a brief interaction, but those words or actions may not necessarily be part of my identity. If I was like “I hate sushi”. The receiver of that information might judge me and be like wow, well since I love sushi, this person must have different taste than me, and since I have good taste, that means they have bad taste. What else don’t they like that I like? Does it mean they don’t like Japanese stuff at all? Wow they might be closed minded” blah blah blah I mean these are the types of rabbit holes our brains can go down and it’s like omg STOP! But that example I gave of “I hate sushi” might not be a permanent unchanging thing about my personality. I could go try sushi the next day and change my mind and love it! But this person who judged me has no idea that I changed. Am I making sense here? Judgements don’t matter because people are changing all the time. This is a fact. We change constantly so how can we really judge someone and let it effect any future exchange with that person? We can’t. It’s simply so irrelevant. 

I’m going to challenge myself this year to not let my judgements about people change my overall opinion about them or make me dismiss them as a person. I certainly wouldn’t want someone to treat me differently because of one small aspect of my personality. And notice my goal is not “don’t judge anyone”. That’s literally impossible. Judging things and people and situations is part of our human nature. More often than not, we don’t need to listen or pay attention to these judgements happening in our minds but rather just let them come and go. 

300 (2006) 

This is my review for the movie 300 starring Lena Headey and Gerard Butler and a special appearance from the lovely Michael Fassbender. I was drawn to this movie because of my recent interest in greek epics / mythology / period pieces. We also went to the Philadelphia Museum of Art yesterday and they had a whole ancient weaponry exhibit with tons of cool swords, spears, armor and breath taking shields with intricate carvings and designs. Little did I know going into the film that it would have a very artsy feel. At first I found the high contrast filter applied to every scene to be a little distracting and overkill but as the film went on I saw why the director intentionally made that choice. If you were to pause this film at any point, the stills resemble high contrast oil paintings, similar to ones I saw in the museum earlier that day. Very dramatic and composed of epic scenery and symbols. Some that stuck out in my mind are:

- The messenger arriving on his horse to Sparta and standing up on its hind legs at the gates

- King Leonidas climbing up the mountain with his cape flying in the wind when he goes to consult the oracle

- King Leonidas kicking the messenger to his death in that giant gaping hole in the ground

- Any scene with Queen Gorgo aka Lena Headey!

And upon further investigation, I learned that this film was actually a shot-for-shot adaptation of a comic book which makes sense considering the 3rd person narration over the entire film. 

Visually this movie was a work of art and I was blown away at the attention to detail on the costume design and imagery throughout the film. We also saw strong performances from the lead actors, especially from Lena Headey who was really the glue that held the rest of the film together. She embodies a queen’s energy very well and I loved the part where she was speaking in front of the council to ask to send all of Sparta’s army to go fight along side the King. 

I found it interesting that when King Leonidas was gathering his 300 men to go fight off the crazy Persian tyrant’s army, he commented on how young one of the soldiers was. He said something to the tune of “he hasn’t even laid with a woman and therefore he isn’t old enough to fight”. At first I thought he meant he wasn’t old enough to have hit puberty and therefore may not be at his strongest physically, but seconds later I realized he meant that men who have had sex, fallen in love, etc know what type of profound pleasures exist in life. The love and affection of a woman is something worth fighting for, something motivating in the fields at battle, something to yearn for on the long nights away from home that keep them going. Without these intimate experiences, the young boy may not have the same drive to succeed as the other men with women or the promise of sexual release waiting for them at home, if they ever make it home. This idea stuck with me throughout the film especially in the battle scenes and gave the film a more romantic undertone. 

Overall I really enjoyed this movie and will be watching more period pieces this year! 

it’s been a little over a month since we moved into our new place and both Sean and I are adjusting to a lifestyle where stress and chaos aren’t at the core of all our decisions. Like for a good solid year we were obsessed with moving. Searching for a place, not finding anything, searching for a new town, new state new anything to be closer to home. In the back of my mind there was a constant noise telling me I shouldn’t be calm or bored or relaxed because I could in some way be “productive” - whatever that meant - towards our move. Well fast forward to present day and these problems and worries don’t exist anymore. When I’m not doing anything I can simply exhale and be. Some things I’ve been doing to occupy my time, which said differently just means living my life are: nesting in the new house, decorating my office with cute nail stuff, pics of inspiration, organizing my books that I’ve managed to keep throughout the years, doing nails and making videos, connecting with my sis via text or call, making delicious and nourishing meals, eating a lot of fish!, playing with the cats or watching the cats play and run around this giant house (relatively speaking compared to our old 1bd), collecting journals, listening to podcasts, stretching. A note on journals... I now have 4 if you count this tumblr. One for all things nails, one for my planner/keeping track of stuff, one for larger drawings and random Pictionary games, and one for more thoughtful writing (this blog). This is how I’ve always been. This is my nature! Kind of all over the place, probably more complexity than simplicity but still very organized and methodical. 

Before I stray too far from the initial topic, let me just say that when all of the stress and chaos melts away, we are left with just ourselves and that freedom can be overwhelming in itself. How do we occupy our time on this planet? The best ways I can think of are either creatively or in the company of ones we love, or both at the same time. I can feel this new time in my life pushing and pulling in 2 directions, the energy unsure where to go. Path 1: seek sources of stress to fill the void that was once occupied by external stressors as a way to maintain the level of cortisol in the blood that feels “normal”, meaning scroll on instagram, watch tons of TV, distract myself as much as possible, etc. And yes, when given the choice, I have gone down this path before, namely when I lived in Japan and was presented with tons of free/alone time and chose to fill it with thoughts and words and voices in my head off the screens of anyone but me. Path 2: learn to live without constant stress. Slow down, smile, dismiss the concept of boredom completely and value the time I have with nothing to do. Fill it creatively, force myself to write, read, or pick up a paintbrush and try something new. Talk to strangers, ask where they’re going and if I can come along. See the opportunities that life presents in mysterious and hidden ways. I’m in between these paths right now. Doing a little bit of both and a lot of neither. 

when I’m pms-ing it’s like I’m looking for something to be sad about and my mind will rummage through all of my trash memories with toxic people or shameful mistakes until I can find something to blame the sadness on! why does this happen? I settled on watching Girl, Interrupted which brings back 6th grade nostalgia, reciting vulgar quotes from the movie with my friends at our lockers between classes. Find mature movies at age 11 felt very “coming of age” for me. The perils of adulthood seemed complicated and exciting. I mean seriously, a movie that glamorizes mental illness! It was like finding a long lost big sister’s diary and reading about all her secrets and thoughts. But anyway this movie is perfect for PMS blues and angst.

goals for 2022 

I keep writing “2020″ and referring to 2022 as 2020 because I still feel like we’re in 2019 waiting for the next year to start and it’s all very trippy! anyway

1. watch one new movie per week and write a review 

2. go to pilates 2x per week

3. plan a vacation for sean + me

4. make a new friend

5. go to a silent meditation retreat

6. sing and dance whenever I can

7. make a podcast

8. be picky about the advice I take and listen to intuition more! 

9. make myself a matcha latte with almond milk every morning as a wake up ritual

10. visit my sister in san diego

last day of 2021

when I look back at this year, here’s what i’ll remember:

We moved 4 times (berkeley, portland, parents’ house, philly-ish). I realized my goal of living closer to family thanks to patience, determination, and sacrifice by my partner. We celebrated Sean’s bday in Berkeley and had a nice strawberry mouse cake then had a getaway in the mountains near tahoe. We touched snow and I did a naked catwalk runway in the cabin haha... We celebrated Valentine’s day too and Sean spoiled me so much with a cute book about 50 things he loves about me, roses, chocolates, a nice puzzle of hands and flowers. We got vaxxed! And I got bangs! Why did I get bangs? I don’t remember, but it was completely necessary to reinvent myself at the “end” of the pandemic. My mom came to California to visit my sister and I. We went to Santa Cruz and I made them ceviche and we watched Sleeping with the Enemy and giggled a lot. We also went to the freezing cold March northern CA beach which makes me smile and laugh when I remember it. We felt like we were in an alternate reality. I got a tattoo from Sai in SF. We packed up the uhaul, cats, and car and drove to Portland and got scammed hard, contemplated all of life’s decisions and ultimately survived one of the most emotionally and physically challenging summers ever. But we did drink delicious iced matcha lattes with almond milk from the Flying Cat Cafe next door and did a good bit of window shopping. I had the best birthday ever at Oma’s in pdx followed by great gifts, cake, and playing basketball at the park (lol). I got another promotion at work to secure the bag !! And finally in a healthier position in terms of stress and alignment with my creative skills. We swam in a hotel pool in Seattle which was very reminiscent of childhood and I met Sean’s sister. I flew back to PA for the family picnic and cousincation 2021! Our hotel had a lovely view of the bay and we danced and drank and ate soft pretzels at Seacrets all night long. I’m pretty sure I did the “Lovesick Girls” dance barefoot in the sand that night too. After arriving back in Portland, we slipped the kitties a few relaxation pills and hopped on the plane back to PA where my parents welcomed us with open arms, a whole lot of patience and support, and a cozy home to stay in while we searched and searched for a home of our own. We went kayaking, hiking, drove to Raleigh, went to NYC and dined at many amazing restaurants. Things were starting to feel normal again. Except for cats living in the basement! I got to meet Charlie and we discovered the Folklore Cafe together, talked all day, and got a tour of the van. We went to many arcades and Sean won me stuffies over and over. We celebrated Thanksgiving with my family after 2 long years of not seeing them. I hugged my nana so tight. Finally we signed a lease, the same day we went to see Murder by Death, ran into old friends, and found the parking spot of a lifetime. We moved in the day after thanksgiving and have been nesting ever since. We went to a party! I haven’t been able to socialize like that in years and it was such a gift. We built a cat door, and rebuilt our home and lives from the ground up. I’m seeing a doctor I like, I got off my medicine, I go to pilates 2x a week and I’m really taking care of myself. We celebrated christmas in our new place with a beautiful tree, hot chocolate, a strawberry shortcake, and cajun chicken alfredo. My parents had us over yesterday for more gifts, scrabble, giggles, and cookies and mom sent us home with leftover food, as always. The only thing missing was my sister. I feel a deep sense of peace and love as the long year comes to a close. xx

-  

My Octopus Teacher (2020)

Rewatched this film for the 2nd time the other day while slightly stoned and was having some very existential thoughts. My first reaction was wow, this is amazing. So inspired! This octopus is so cool, intelligent, beautiful, weird and alien-like. We really need movies and educational documentaries like this to expose living creatures and species we may never know about otherwise. 

But then of course I went down the path of “why can’t humans be this cool? we suck” mentality lol. Maybe if someone captured all of our abilities and intelligence that makes us sophisticated and unique on film, that would make us seem as cool as the octopus. But isn’t that what movies and TV shows or I guess documentaries aim to do? Are we making them for ourselves, or for others/outsiders, potentially? Who looks at humans and thinks “wow, beautiful aliens!”?? 

The thing about movies whether it’s documentary or an actual production with actors and stuff is that either way, it’s so performative so it’s not really capturing and telling the whole story when it comes to the human experience. Humans and all living things are different when observed (when they know they’re being watched or filmed). How do animals, such as the octopus behave when they don’t know they’re being filmed? Surely they can feel the presence of camera equipment invading their natural environment, even if the person behind the camera steps away for hours or days or weeks. Is it cynical to think that way? To believe that nothing can be truly authentic under the gaze of the observer?

I think this is why it’s important to capture and create art and the human experience, even if it is performative in the end. It might not be everything, but at the very least we are recording and documenting and leaving behind the facts about what humans are capable of for when we’re gone. Art is really one scientific documentary of our species, and thus, one of the most important things we can do.